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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to avoid these people???

78 replies

Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 08:55

I posted yesterday about being unsociable but I have proved to myself why now! had arrangements for drinks sat night with daughters friends parents. didn't really want to go but had resigned myself to making the effort. however daughter having her ears pierced Saturday so had decided didn't want to stay over at girls house so I text the parents and explained that she would just walk home with us. I phone them as didn't hear back and the dad starts saying oh well their daughter is very upset and he will have to speak to her when he gets home. spoke to mine and she starts crying saying the girl is always so dramatic and shes scared to upset her all the time. I text dad to cancel as cant be doing with it and get into a debate with him as mine cancelled sleepover last time too. she went to town but again didn't want to stay over due to getting her period.
am I over reacting by just saying forget it I cant be bothered? am I wrong in thinking this girl is ruling the roost a bit here? I was tempted to forget after he told me he would ring me back after speaking to her as I would have just told mine to get over it!

OP posts:

fussygalore118 · 14/09/2016 09:05

I can see his point... I think my daughter would be upset if she was looking forward to a fun night with her friend and she cancelled again.

Squeegle · 14/09/2016 09:09

Don't be silly fussy , the sleepover is sat, there is plenty of notice. If she doesn't want to stay it's scarcely a problem. The dad needs to teach his daughter to accept occasional disappointments!

Amandahugandkisses · 14/09/2016 09:10

You've cancelled on a sleepover twice by text. They have every right to be a bit upset with you surely you see that.
DD talks about her pending sleepovers all week so they are probably dealing with the fallout from that with their DD.

Original poster

Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 09:11

well I wasn't sure what to do as she didn't to sleepover due to having ears pierced so I thought was a good idea to go for the evening then her walk back with us. mine worried about being sore etc.

OP posts:

SaggyNaggy · 14/09/2016 09:16

I o t get why ear piercing = no sleep over?
If they got sore? What would you be able to do that her friends pare ts couldn't? Her ears aren't likely to fall off.

KoalaDownUnder · 14/09/2016 09:17

Okay...but which did she book first, the sleepover or the ear piercing? Either way, you shouldn't have agreed to the second thing after the first thing was arranged, IYSWIM.

I can see that the drama is a pain, but so is people cancelling things.

Original poster

Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 09:17

I was going to leave it til Thursday just to see if mine changed her mind as their friendship is very up and down at the best of times. she is 12 so I cant make her go tbh and usually would not get involved in her squabbles as they are all as bad as each other. this girl has cancelled many arrangements with us and my daughter had told her at school so I cant help that so was trying to solve it by still going etc.
I was just quite shocked and stressed out by the whole thing!
there is also more dramas in the past and the girl struggles hugely with friendships which I think puts pressure on my daughter. they were saying the mum has cancelled to have my daughter over last time etc which I think is a bit much to put on a 12 year old tbf.

OP posts:

witsender · 14/09/2016 09:18

Yeah, I kind of get his point.

enoughsleepmakesmesmile · 14/09/2016 09:18

Maybe it's best if your dd doesn't make any sleepover arrangements if she backs out regularly.

Could your dd could have her ears pierced another time? Why did you schedule it for that day, knowing she had a sleepover planned?

YABU and impolite and you are teaching your dd that it's ok to cancel social arrangements repeatedly, in my family that would be considered totally unacceptable. I know the feeling of wanting to back out or not quite feeling up for socials nearer the time but it's one of those things, you just get on wit it. Teach your dd to see things from her friend's perspective and consider another person's feelings.

KoalaDownUnder · 14/09/2016 09:20

they were saying the mum has cancelled to have my daughter over last time etc which I think is a bit much to put on a 12 year old

Eh?

Squeegle · 14/09/2016 09:20

It doesn't sound like your DD really likes this girl. In which case best not to make the arrangement in the first place

Original poster

Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 09:21

ok! I booked the ear piercing around the same time as inviting her to stay as its my first weekend off for ages. the girls parents then asked to change to drinks and my dd going to theirs. which I think may have been half their dd not wanting to stay out tbh. then mine thought about it and decided she didn't want to stay out. which I thought was fair enough.

OP posts:

GingerbreadCake · 14/09/2016 09:24

YANBU

Sounds like your DD is in a bit of a controlling friendship with this girl. I remember being friendly with someone like that at school. Don't push your DD to pander to her if she doesn't want to.

Stillunexpected · 14/09/2016 09:26

Jeez, the whole thing sounds like a load of drama to me. How many adults and children and how many texts are involved here?!

Original poster

Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 09:27

the last time mine cancelled due to her period which she hadn't had for 3 months her mum had apparently cancelled plans to have her over. I didn't think that was my daughters problem as I wouldn't have done that. I know she was being nice but all this being thrown at her just makes their friendship more dramatic. I invited their dd to stay at ours due to mine having gone to theirs loads when I was working. not for childcare but as a social thing it has then turned into this somehow!

OP posts:

bakeoffcake · 14/09/2016 09:27

I think it's all part of being 12. From your last post it looks like both of them have changed their minds.

I'd just leave them to it if I were you. Get the girls to communicate with each other then ask their parents to OK arrangements once the girls have decided what they want to do.

enoughsleepmakesmesmile · 14/09/2016 09:28

Ok, so they have changed arrangements as well. Sounds like hard work. I wouldn't be happy changing plans back and forward, it makes life just too complicated and flakey. It sounds all a bit entangled.

Maybe give it this time, go there, have drinks with the parents and let dd stay over if she feels up for it. If it's all a bit of a drama, i suggest the parents stop socialising and live the friendship up to the girls. I would definitely to arrange any more sleepovers.

Irisagogo · 14/09/2016 09:29

You cancelled twice, my dd would have been heartbroken. ...yes it sounds dramatic but it is such a big thing for children.

If you dd doesn't want to sleep over say that, don't except and offer and cancel so late. It's mean.

TheGruffaloMother · 14/09/2016 09:30

Not a great example really is it? Showing your DD that its fine to cancel on friends repeatedly for no good reason. I'd be irritated too.

Amandahugandkisses · 14/09/2016 09:31

I don't think you are seeing that you've been a bit out of order here. Nothing terrible but you have been a bit rude esp as you say they had your daughter while you were working.
You are just seeing it from your perspective. You need to look at how they must feel.

george1020 · 14/09/2016 09:34

It seems strange your DD wanted to cancel the sleepover because of having her ears pierced a few days ago I think there must be something more to it.
I hope you don't take this as me insulting you but pretty sure you will..,,.Are you sure your DD isn't being a bit 'mean girl' with the other child by saying she will be her friend and have sleep over then, I don't want to sleep over or be your friend now, for whatever reason? It seems a bit precious that DD cannot sleep over because her ears might sting. It also looks a bit flaky that she has cancelled twice now, it does make it look even more 'mean girl'

I can understand the other parents TBH as they only have their DD side and for all you know there might be real friendship problems between the two of them your DD hasn't told you about. (I.e the other girl feels a bit bullied by your DD or is playing it up to family for whatever reason)

I also would cancel drinks if the other family cancelled sleepover as would be dealing with disappointment from own child and would be a bit awkward and elephant in the room type thing. (Especially if DD keeps cancelling)

Maybe better for all involved to let DC get on with it and all of the adults have a polite but slightly distant relationship, no meeting for drinks etc.

Original poster

Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 09:37

its a bit of a difficult age as I feel she is old enough to decide if she wants to go and I cant make her. she would have felt uncomfortable going to stay on her heavy period but still wanted to see her and go to town. they clearly weren't that upset as they invited her back the following day then. when mine told the girl at school she said it was fine then I get a message saying shes terribly upset :( I would not have done that.
I then felt we were all running round after her waiting to see if she still wanted to do it. this is one of the reasons I didn't want to get too involved as any friendship we had would be based on their very up and down friendship.
on the other hand mine is normally very upfront and would I assume have just told me to start with if she didn't want to sleepover there!

OP posts:

Original poster

Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 09:44

I really don't think that mine is being mean. she was set up with this girl as the other girl has anxiety issues and was not attending school hardly ever. that would explain why the girl has no friends that she keeps. they get on ok but mine also has other friends at school that she wants to go on the field with etc and has tried so hard but feels torn as this girl wont join them and has got angry with her for not staying in the form room on a lovely sunny day.
this in itself makes her feel very pressured and she still sees her out of school as they live close by. my dd invites her to parties etc but she cancels if anyone else going which mine accepts is just her.
she is having her ears done on the same day as staying over and my daughter has not gone there because I'm working as my husband was at home. but I felt it was my turn to return the favour on my weekend off x

OP posts:

VioletBam · 14/09/2016 09:44

Cancelling due to ears being pierced is a bit lame and flaky sounding. As though your DD is looking for an excuse

monkeywithacowface · 14/09/2016 09:44

You're unsociable by your own admission and if you don't value a person's company you are happy to flake out on plans, now you are teaching your daughter to be the same.

It's fine to not want to socialise but it's not fine to mess people around

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