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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to avoid these people???

78 replies

Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 08:55

I posted yesterday about being unsociable but I have proved to myself why now! had arrangements for drinks sat night with daughters friends parents. didn't really want to go but had resigned myself to making the effort. however daughter having her ears pierced Saturday so had decided didn't want to stay over at girls house so I text the parents and explained that she would just walk home with us. I phone them as didn't hear back and the dad starts saying oh well their daughter is very upset and he will have to speak to her when he gets home. spoke to mine and she starts crying saying the girl is always so dramatic and shes scared to upset her all the time. I text dad to cancel as cant be doing with it and get into a debate with him as mine cancelled sleepover last time too. she went to town but again didn't want to stay over due to getting her period.
am I over reacting by just saying forget it I cant be bothered? am I wrong in thinking this girl is ruling the roost a bit here? I was tempted to forget after he told me he would ring me back after speaking to her as I would have just told mine to get over it!

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 14/09/2016 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 09:46

I don't know as other girls have filled her with horror stories of infection and not being able to sleep lol! I cant remember having mine done as was tiny x

OP posts:
VioletBam · 14/09/2016 09:47

Francis me too! I also thought that....and that's also due to parental arranging of things for them at this age....by 12 most kids organise their own sleepovers.

It sounds as though your DD doesn't want to be this child's friend really....and that's fine...it's up to her....but it's not on to cancel repeatedly.

Far better to cut her loose and not keep getting her hopes up.

Squeegle · 14/09/2016 09:48

I don't think YABU by he way, but I do think he best thing is to tell the girls to make their own arrangements. Parents shouldn't fall out over the kids, as 10 minutes later they will be best friends again, and the parents won't be speaking.

Original poster
Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 09:51

yes that's what I thought. I think she is maybe looking for excuses. I hadn't actually thought of that. I feel very sorry for the other girl knowing she has anxiety etc as they have had a lot of financial problems and have actively encouraged my daughter to make plans with her as she has never kept a friend for more than 3 months according to her mum. again all this has scared my daughter a bit but when they invited us for drinks she genuinely seemed quite happy to go x

OP posts:
VioletBam · 14/09/2016 09:55

if DD really doesn't want to go, then don't make her BUT you probably need to explain to DD that in future, she's not to agree to things she's not bothered about doing....it's hurtful to cancel.

And perhaps take a step back from the family. You're not fussed about being their friend and neither is DD.

Original poster
Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 09:55

and each time mine hadn't cancelled the whole thing just the sleepover part. but at times this girl has actually been quite rude refusing to let mine sit on her bed lol.
another thing I found quite strange is they invited mine to spain next year. I instantly thought that we don't even know if they'll be friends by then. they asked for joint birthday party which normally I would consider but I was just surprised as I consider their friendship quite rocky. maybe the other parents are pushing her too as they seem to be quite intense. I'm not saying that in a horrible way btw

OP posts:
VioletBam · 14/09/2016 10:03

Lisa how old is the friendship?

Amandahugandkisses · 14/09/2016 10:03

Just leave it and distance yourself then. But don't make anymore plans and back out. Also have words with your daughter about messing people around.

george1020 · 14/09/2016 10:04

It really sounds like their DD and your DD are not a good fit.

It would be better for the friend to find someone new to hang around with. Your DD obviously doesn't want the hassle of the girls anxiety impacting what they can and can't do which is understandable but must be pretty heartbreaking for the friend feeling like she can't do something and your DD almost punishing her for it. Anxiety is a horrible thing and it is very isolating but it would be better for the friend to find people that are willing to understand her issues and happy to work with them because they value her friendship, your DD wants to have other friends and do other things and sounds like she would rather not have the hassle of the friend hanging around.

It does sound like DD is using her a bit so that if nothing better comes along and she fancies something to do then the friend becomes convenient but you know your DD and I might be way off.

It is setting both girls up for a fall TBH and would be better for friends parents to gently suggest she needs new friends and to just let the friendship naturally finish.

Original poster
Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 10:06

just under a year. mine moved into the form at half term as was not settling at high school as knew no one. she had made some friends in this form and settled straight away. actually after xmas she noticed the other girl alone a lot and I encouraged her to speak to her. the school then picked up on it and asked mine to buddy up with her as she didn't attend school often and was shy whereas mine had a group she she could try and intergrate her into.

OP posts:
Barksdale · 14/09/2016 10:07

So you know this young girl suffers fron anxiety, you've repeatedly allowed your own to cancel plans at the last minute for selfish reasons, and you call the poor girl "dramatic"?

All sounds very mean girls.

Original poster
Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 10:11

and I really do understand anxiety as have had panic attacks for years and health anxiety and that's probably why I wanted to help her. my daughter has tried so hard to introduce her to people. the girl does also get quite snappy and rude at times which my dd would not usually be so kind about but tries to understand and be patient. when they have been here I have earwigged and can tell mine struggles to make conversation at times. maybe mine actually feels guilty for not wanting to be friends? she has never actually said she doesn't want to be x

OP posts:
gleam · 14/09/2016 10:13

So they changed the arrangement and are put out that your dd's changed it as well.

I'd just say, let's not do sleepovers atm.

Obviously the girl doesn't want to come to yours, why should your dd have to go to hers all the time?

Original poster
Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 10:13

I honestly didn't think a heavy period and having ears pierced were selfish reasons. my daughters other friend had hers done and got infected which worried mine and the original invite was for her to come here. we were trying to be friendly by changing the plans to include drinks x

OP posts:
hownottofuckup · 14/09/2016 10:15

I wouldn't want to encourage mine to go along with other people's demands because otherwise they'll have a mood.
If she doesn't want to sleep at someone's house she doesn't have to, not wanting to is reason enough. It's that simple.

gleam · 14/09/2016 10:15

I think the other girl sounds controlling! Always sleepovers at hers and not letting op's dd sit on her bed. Sounds like she likes to be boss. Maybe that's why she has no friends.

Original poster
Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 10:21

I did feel we were all on tenterhooks waiting to see if the girl was happy for mine to just do a film and not actually stay over. I'm talking going home around 11.30 so a reasonable time. yes mine can be a bit easily influenced by horror stories and said if she couldn't sleep if sore etc she would rather know I was there. I didn't think that was terrible and quite a reasonable evening. I know we can be unsociable but we were actually trying to be outgoing and meet them!
however when the dad said shes not happy to say the least I was feeling that I'm not going to be dictated to by a 12 year old. its tricky due to the whole anxiety thing tho

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 14/09/2016 10:21

I have had friends like you. Cancel on me once, I'll let it go. Cancel on me twice and your history.

Really can't be bothered with people who continually cancel

Are you using the excuse that you are unsociable as a polite way of saying you are lazy when it comes to making an effort about anything. It is no easier for the other person but they have put themselves out, probably rearranged stuff and probably think they have better things to do with their time than waiting around for you to deign to make an appearance or wondering when they are going to get the call that your dd and you won't be coming.

Word at school will get around about how unreliable and untrustworthy your dd is and like you might be left completely alone.

If your dd is that worried about her ear piercing then maybe you need to leave it till when she is more mature. Agree with other posters about your dd's lack of maturity. You are teaching her that it is ok to cancel plans which will get her a bad reputations.

enoughsleepmakesmesmile · 14/09/2016 10:23

Heavy period is a perfectly valid reason to cancel a sleep over imo.

I wouldn't have schedule the ear piercing on the same day.

"and I really do understand anxiety as have had panic attacks for years and health anxiety and that's probably why I wanted to help her. my daughter has tried so hard to introduce her to people. the girl does also get quite snappy and rude at times which my dd would not usually be so kind about but tries to understand and be patient. "

Interesting. I can see where you are coming from but would say (gently) that you are projecting your own issues on your dc's social life. Possibly put this down to experience and don't meddle in your dc's friendships again. You encouraged dd to strike a friendship and 'rescue' the other girls. That is a huge ask and your dd is probably feeling pressured by it and guilty for feeling ambivalent about the 'friendship' and keeps arranging things and cancelling. I am appalled the school has suggested your dd befriends this girls to encourage other girls' school attendance. That's not on.

AReading you subsequent posts, I'd still say go for the drinks, don't do the sleep over if your dc doesn't want to but do not agree to sleepovers again with his girl. Normal day-to-day play dates can be arrange by the girls.
I dod feel a bit sorry for your dd.

george1020 · 14/09/2016 10:25

It's pretty clear your DD doesn't want to be friends and really the friend is going to be snappish and not want to do certain things at times, that's part of anxiety.

I feel it was unkind of all the adults involved to set her up for a fall TBH.
I understand what they were trying to do but it just doesn't work like that with nearly teenage girls.

From the more you post it is quite clear your DD doesn't want the friendship, feels embarrassed by her or at least thinks she doesn't fit with her and her 'cool' friends and feels a bit guilty about it all but wants rid of the hassle. Which is a shame as when they are older she may find she has missed out on a lifelong great friendship.

I would tell DD to be upfront and truthful to the other girl as it must be horrible for the friend. It may also be why she gets a bit cross as she wants to be friends with DD but knows she isn't all that interested and feels upset and frustrated by herself and her anxiety (you have to remember she will have underlying issues that are causing the anxiety in the first place)

Original poster
Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 10:25

and if mine was upset if situation reversed I wouldn't dream of phoning the other parents. I don't know what he was expecting me to say. did he want to make mine go? my dd other friend cancelled tea weds on Monday mine asked why I said struggling settling back into school and tired. my dd said ok ill check shes ok tomorrow. so in my eyes shes not a mean girl. although I know I'm biased ;)

OP posts:
gleam · 14/09/2016 10:26

Sometimes I wonder if people bother reading op's posts. Hmm

hownottofuckup · 14/09/2016 10:26

you are teaching her that it is OK to cancel plans

It is OK to cancel something that you are not comfortable with. And to cancel at any point. It's a good lesson to teach her in fact.

george1020 · 14/09/2016 10:31

I'm sorry if my mean girls comment upset you.

I am only going by what I read and how I took the situation. It might be nothing like that at all but that is how the situation came across to me.

I can see both sides TBH and feel bad for both kids involved, I would just let them get on with it and distance myself from it all, just be there for advice if DD asks.