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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to avoid these people???

78 replies

Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 08:55

I posted yesterday about being unsociable but I have proved to myself why now! had arrangements for drinks sat night with daughters friends parents. didn't really want to go but had resigned myself to making the effort. however daughter having her ears pierced Saturday so had decided didn't want to stay over at girls house so I text the parents and explained that she would just walk home with us. I phone them as didn't hear back and the dad starts saying oh well their daughter is very upset and he will have to speak to her when he gets home. spoke to mine and she starts crying saying the girl is always so dramatic and shes scared to upset her all the time. I text dad to cancel as cant be doing with it and get into a debate with him as mine cancelled sleepover last time too. she went to town but again didn't want to stay over due to getting her period.
am I over reacting by just saying forget it I cant be bothered? am I wrong in thinking this girl is ruling the roost a bit here? I was tempted to forget after he told me he would ring me back after speaking to her as I would have just told mine to get over it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 10:33

I really don't think mine is one of the cool set. she was in pieces when she started high school. made some friends in her lesson all of who are different in their own way but they just seem to get on mine then moved to their form. mine was happy to introduce the other girl but whenever she tried the girl wouldn't speak or would not come to for example my dds end of year party. according to mine she just sits on her phone at break but gets upset if mine tries to do something else. however I feel mine has still tried to just see her on her own and does sit with her fairly but probably doesn't actually want to I'm guessing :(
I'm just trying to explain her side as I really don't think shes a horrible girl x

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 14/09/2016 10:34

It is OK to cancel something that you are not comfortable with. And to cancel at any point. It's a good lesson to teach her in fact.

One thing to cancel once but don't go making the same plans again if you are going to come up with excuses and cancel a second time.

Ditsy4 · 14/09/2016 10:34

I would ban sleepovers for a year till they mature a bit.

Next time she wants to go she has to follow through. Explain that people will get irritated about chopping and changing and you are not prepared to put up with the flak. Ban the sleepovers and see how the friendship pans out in the mean time.

Original poster
Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 10:38

sorry I don't know how to tag at the moment lol. ditsy4 though very good advice. every time she comes home from them she moans lol. it didn't smell right or the friend didn't stop eating sweets typical stuff though. they all seem to want sleepovers at their own houses and not at others it seems.......

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Original poster
Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 10:45

I think one of the reasons I'm unsociable is if there are issues alcohol always make them worse and I know the parents argue loads which would explain why my dd doesn't want to go though she hasn't said it. sorry it is slowly dawning on me that she probably doesn't enjoy staying there just feels guilty and doesn't want to say as when I suggested the walking home with us she jumped at that plan.
next weekend I'm going to cinema with another mum so whilst I'm typing its all becoming clearer

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Original poster
Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 10:48

my brother mentioned doing a party for my mums 60th next year I'm already dreading it. my family and alcohol don't mix. there were arguments before at my brothers wedding and another of my mums birthday neither caused by me and hubby but we ended up losing our flat 3 weeks before I was due to give birth! then my fil caused a scene at a wedding in france. my limit is few glasses of wine then I'm ready for bed minus the drama!

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george1020 · 14/09/2016 11:00

Of course she's not a horrible girl, she wouldn't have bothered talking to the friend/making an effort to begin with if she was!

It's just teenagers are finding their way with friendships etc and it can all turn really mean really quickly (not saying it is) but it's just something to keep in mind and that there is always another child on the other side probably just as upset/confused but it's easy to get caught up in how your DD feels and what's important for them, which is natural, but not always the best way of dealing with it all for DD.

Oliversmumsarmy · 14/09/2016 11:30

What has alcohol to do with your 12 year old having a sleepover.

Original poster
Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 11:32

I was just explaining the original post from yesterday and that the whole original inviatation had got got changed when they invited us for drinks. Imy first reaction was to dread it but we were trying to be sociable and go x

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 14/09/2016 11:45

yeah, when they tried to change it to the arrangement at their house, that was the time to say no thanks. then it wouldn't be you messing them around. which is of course how it seems now. ear piercing is a weak excuse. the piercing's can get infected any time, not just on the night of the piercing. she obviously just doesn't want to go, which is fine, so don't say yes to sleepovers. hope you can patch it up maturely with the parents and just agree that neither girl wants to be away for a whole night, nothing personal. Just takes time. but be grown up about it. the avoiding thing comes from the same place as the saying yes to something you don't really want to do and it all gets out of hand, like this.

enoughsleepmakesmesmile · 14/09/2016 11:51

OP, you sound conflicted Thanks

Stop saying yes to thing you don't want to do but feel you ought to. That way you don't have to cancel them nearer the time.

Stop sleepovers for a few months. Let your dd handle the friendship but be supportive also, acknowledging that people can have mixed feelings about things, it's ok. What is not ok is to agree to doing something and repeatedly cancelling with all sorts of excuses.

Take a step back, do things you feel comfortable with and teach your dd he same. Of course it's ok to cancel something but doing this more than once is messy and hurtful.

It seems to me that low-self esteem on your part is contributing to all this, hence my pp about projecting. Step right away.

Reading this, I have learned that I am either going to have to be a meditating Yoga bunny when dd reach puberty or buy lots of Gin.

foamybananasweets · 14/09/2016 15:06

The other girl sounds very much how I expect my daughter will be in a couple of years. She has autism and anxiety. Social situations are very difficult for her, so she goes over and over things in her head and when plans are cancelled it affects her badly. She masks it well at school and then gets very upset at home (where she feels safe)

We have had a family try to prevent their child from being friends with our daughter because I contacted them to try to find out why my daughter was so upset after spending time with their daughter. I was not accusing them or their daughter of doing anything mean, merely trying to work out what normal pre teen behaviour my DD could not cope with in order to try to help her. But they decided that it made our daughter an unsuitable friend for their child (not that it worked, they are still friends at school even though there have been no play dates for 3 years)

Girls with autism can be hard work, but the rigidity has its positive side. I am guessing that this girl will be an incredibly loyal and caring friend for your daughter (who sounds lovely by the way. It always warms my heart when another child notices mine by herself struggling to fit in) My daughter is very intense about her friendships and this can be a problem, but she is never bitchy towards her friends and puts so much thought into how to make them happy.

As the school have tried to facilitate the friendship between your daughter and the other child it may be worth asking them for advice on how best to proceed. I'm not for a moment suggesting you force your daughter to be friends with this girl, but she may be able to develop an unconventional but mutually rewarding friendship if she understands this girl a little better

Original poster
Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 15:12

it does sound like the other has 2 very different personalities. she comes here barely speaks or one word answers when I'm in the room. she is very loud and rude to her dad particularly according to mine. but as soon as things don't go her way very stroppy with dd and ive seen the texts shes sent. but not wanting friend to sit on bed was strange. one night my dd was sleeping on an airbed at hers that kept going down but the other girl refused to help her get the pump or switch the light on not really the actions of a friend I thought but again mine gets over it and stays friends. I know just by knowing my dd that she only lets this girl treat her like this anyone else she would say the same as me

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Kanga59 · 14/09/2016 15:13

Kids like your daughter piss me off, and probably lots of other people too. I can't do this because of that. I can't do that because the moon is shining all wrong. I'd be advising the other family to be avoiding you. Your daughter keeps letting her friend down for no reason. If I were the other family I would not bother making plans /waste my own time with your daughter any longer.

Original poster
Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 15:18

please remember that we are talking about children here and there is no need to be rude

OP posts:
allsfairinlove · 14/09/2016 15:24

I think it's one thing to teach your kid that cancelling something they're not comfortable with is OK but you should also teach them that being flaky and unreliable is disrespectful and rude. It's like saying "my time is more valuable than yours". I'm not surprised the other mother was annoyed with you for cancelling when she had changed her own plans to accommodate the sleepover. You say that's not your problem which is quite a selfish attitude TBH

Ifonlyiweretaller · 14/09/2016 15:25

I used to regularly stay at a friend's house when in my teens. I hated going, but always did because I felt sorry for her. Her parents would have screaming arguments most nights, and I used to feel physically sick when i stayed over, it was liike trading on eggshells.
My mum would have been mortified if she'd known and would have made sure I didn't have to go again, but i was too embarrassed to tell her - too bothered about everyone else's feelings. Looking back it was so stupid of me not to be honest to myself and my mum!
Maybe your daughter is experiencing similar?

Original poster
Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 15:26

I mean that wouldn't base my plans on my daughters friends and its a bit much to throw the mum cancelling plans at my dd. this is why she feels extremely pressured by the girl.

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wannabestressfree · 14/09/2016 15:26

Your posts are difficult to read as they lack punctuation.
I would just back off for a bit both with the other girl and with making plans in general if they are difficult for you. Could this be rubbing off on her?
I don't socialise it's not the end of the world.
I totally understand the period cancellation but honestly? Ear piercing and infection? The very same day? That's when a brisk 'don't be silly you have plans' would have helped. Or offered to cancel the piercing if she was going to be all drama lama.
I just feel there is a LOT going on here.

Squeegle · 14/09/2016 15:28

but don't forget, the OP originally asked the girl to stay, and then the girls parents dictated the drinks at theirs with the two girls staying. The OPs DD obviously didn't want to go, but had it all organised by the parents! It seems to me that the other girls' parents are trying to organise "entertainment" for their daughter, without actually seeing whether everyone else wants to do it. Then they get strongarmed into it, and cancel the arrangements. I think it would be rude if it was Friday or Saturday night. But there is plenty of time to do something else.

Original poster
Lisajane2810 · 14/09/2016 15:30

Thanks for the tip I didn't realise. wannabestressfree. As I think about it I also think there is more going on. I'm going to have a chat with my dd and get to the bottom of it.

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EttaJ · 14/09/2016 15:31

monkeycowface is right. Be antisocial all you like, I am antisocial or rather socially selective BUT this is just letting the same people down again. Children really look forward to sleepovers and the friend is justified in being upset as are the parents. Your DD may find the boot on the other foot soon and she then will understand.

allsfairinlove · 14/09/2016 15:32

If your dd doesn't want to sleepover then she shouldn't feel pressured into doing so.

It's the convoluted yes then no and cancelling of plans that is the problem here.

Which, as you have said yourself, is quite an unsociable attitude.

clippityclop · 14/09/2016 16:02

The friend sounds intense and a pain, but do try and balance the situation by getting your dd to understand that she has to think of other people, changing plans causes upset which is best avoided unless there's a proper emergency. Possible ear infection and periods do not come under this heading. Get her to be honest about the friendship and encourage her to have other girls over to stay at your house.

foamybananasweets · 14/09/2016 16:53

Lisajane. I frequently have to plan my life around my daughters difficult social life as she needs the support. That's what you do if your child has additional needs. The 2 personality thing is very typical of autism in girls as there is a personality she presents when she needs to get by with people she doesn't know, but can relax when just with her family or your DD (if she comes out of her shell with your DD it's a massive complement to her)

My daughter can also get stroppy when things don't go right/as expected. It's not that she is deliberately being mean to those around her, but that she is struggling to deal with the unexpected. My DD could not cope with getting up in the night to help someone else with a deflating air bed!! She would struggle to even think to get me. She would probably just get cross. It's not meanness.