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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to say thanks?

84 replies

Lizkmg · 13/09/2016 10:50

OH went away on a stag all weekend, I stayed at home with our 6 month old baby. His Mum was away as well leaving me to feed her cats and clean her 6 (yes six!) litter trays. The cat thing wasn't his fault, his mum just went and expected us to do it, but still, they're not my cats.

Anyway since He came home on Sunday he hasn't said thanks. I don't want a big fuss, just a quick thank you for looking after the baby and cats all weekend.

I feel like because at the moment he earns and I don't he doesn't need to thank me.

OP posts:
QueenEnid · 13/09/2016 10:56

YABU. You havent done your OH a favour. Youve looked after your child. He WBU if he expected a thank you from you for doing the same.

However, its not U to expect your MIL to say thank you for helping her out.

MiddleClassProblem · 13/09/2016 11:00

I don't understand why you would expect a "thanks". For what? I would expect him asking how it went, if your ok etc

TheNaze73 · 13/09/2016 11:02

YABU. It's the MIL who should be thanking you, not your OH

DoubleCarrick · 13/09/2016 11:05

Personally, I think a thankyou would be nice. I thank dh if he cooks dinner/cleans the bathroom etc, but he also thanks me when I do the same.

Acknowledging that someone has done something that benefits you is nice and makes a person feel valued

Monochromecat · 13/09/2016 11:05

YANBU. You've covered his share of the weekend with the baby - at a difficult age and it's his mum's cats. I'd expect a thank you and a cuddle - just some acknowledgement...

Original poster
Lizkmg · 13/09/2016 11:05

Probably expected a thanks because I was on my own all weekend while he got to go on the dream know with friends. If I was going out to socialise while he stayed alone with the baby I would thank him.

Actually makes me feel better that you think that's unreasonable. I thought he was being really shitty to just come home and not say thanks for cleaning and single handed lay looking after the baby and his mums house while she was away. Maybe I shouldn't expect thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizkmg · 13/09/2016 11:07

For minding our baby on my own for 48 hours without his help while he went out on the drink. I would thank him, roles reversed....although in reality I wouldn't go away for a weekend right now and leave him, but that's more because I don't want to leave the baby in fairness.

OP posts:
AnUtterIdiot · 13/09/2016 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lizkmg · 13/09/2016 11:08

Thanks, yes it does feel nice to be thanked. I always thank him for working and when he mows the lawn etc. We are different though, maybe he doesn't need the thanks I give him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizkmg · 13/09/2016 11:13

Thanks

OP posts:
DoubleCarrick · 13/09/2016 11:14

It may not occur to him to thank you? Could you say to him in a lighthearted way, "oi, where's my appreciation?" Guess it depends on your relationship

Zippidydoodah · 13/09/2016 11:22

At a difficult age? Really? Six months old is a difficult age?! Hmm

No. You should not expect a thanks from your husband, but you absolutely should from the mil!!

Waltermittythesequel · 13/09/2016 11:25

It would never occur to me to thank dh for parenting his own children.

It doesn't mean I don't appreciate or respect him. But it doesn't take two of us to keep the children alive.

Waltermittythesequel · 13/09/2016 11:26

And his mother should be thanking you for minding her house. It's not his house.

MiddleClassProblem · 13/09/2016 11:31

DH and I say thank you for chores but it sounds like you want him to say thanks for letting me go away. It is tough being solo for the weekend but I wouldn't expect him to say thank you. I would expect him to let you have some respite when he got back. His mum's cats are not his responsibility either so doubt he would think to thank for that but a bonus if he did.

Sorry I'm just confused why saying thank you is more important than showing thanks. Did he do neither?

kurlique · 13/09/2016 11:32

Actually he had a weekend off from his shared responsibility of parenting your baby... IMO he should let you know that he appreciates you holding the fort singlehanded whilst he was off having fun. I wouldn't expect an explicit thank you but an acknowledgement that he has had time out because you stayed at home, by being thoughtful, making an extra effort to give you a break or something to make you feel appreciated is not an unreasonable expectation. My DH has trips away with his friends most years and I don't so much but that is my choice but he does encourage me have "me time" when he takes the reins at home alone even if is, by my choice, a few hours out and a takeaway (his cooking is awful so a takeaway is definitely preferable!). Of course nowadays holding the reins here involves being a taxi and nagging rather than changing nappies but you are still responsible and time out from the buck stopping with you has become more and more important to me over the years... So... Plan your own timeout, though I appreciate it might be a while before you want/can head for the hills from your DC for a day or more, but do do it eventually - a shopping day, a spa day, a day paragliding with your friends! Whatever floats your boat!

The Cats? The SIX Cats?!!! Your MIL is BU but not really your DH, not his fault that his stag do clashes with his MIL's holiday, she had better buy you a bl**dy nice present for looking after all her fur babies.

EdmundCleverClogs · 13/09/2016 11:38

Sorry but I think yabu. His mother owes you a thanks, but not him. Thanking you for parenting, the thing you do every day? Do you thank him for looking after his own children Hmm. God forbid you were an army wife, single parent etc, who would you expect to 'thank you' then?

Cakeycakecake · 13/09/2016 11:39

Nobody thanks me for caring for my 3yr old and 5week old alone :( sorry but I thank yabu, the cat thing is gross and Mil should thank you with chocolates and flowers, but you obviously discussed ohs weekend away in advance, and I'm sure if you've a decent relationship you can have him show his appreciation in lie-ins for a couple of weekends :)

EdmundCleverClogs · 13/09/2016 11:40

kurlique, what's wrong with having six cats? And did you really just suggest a 'spa day'?

Cakeycakecake · 13/09/2016 11:41

Actually I read it as expect him to say thanks. Yanbu for wanting him to. Expecting and ywbu

Lapinlapin · 13/09/2016 11:45

YANBU I don't think it would hurt him to thank you. Dh went on a stag do recently and thanked me for look after the dc so he could go. Mind you he always says thank you for cooking dinner etc too. And when he makes me a coffee every morning I thank him.

Surely all this is perfectly normal among polite, civilised adults?! I'm not sure why other posters think you are unreasonable op. Even if he doesn't actually say the words 'thank you' at the very least he should show some appreciation.

softboiledeggs · 13/09/2016 11:46

Maybe you could have a general chat about appreciating each other, it doesn't cost anything to acknowledge what your partner does and say thanks / vice versa. I think it helps both parties to feel better about the mundane jobs we all have to do. Sometimes ppl are busy and forget to say thanks and just need a reminder as I think if thanks are forgotten again and again it can start to grate and make you feel a bit taken for granted.

Monochromecat · 13/09/2016 11:46

Zippidydoodah - yes, 6 months old was a fucking difficult age. Waking up at least 4 times a night, still screaming with colic...
I do get fed up with smug parents who only had babies like my second one, and really have no fucking idea.
My husband had an op when my first was 6 months old and I really struggled.

nancyblackett80 · 13/09/2016 11:47

YANBU He went off on a jolly for the weekend, abdicating his parental responsibility to you, yes he's the one earning right now but when he's not in work he's sharing parenting with you.

A thanks for taking on his responsibility for the weekend (when you can justifiably expect to have his time to help) is not unreasonable.

Being grateful costs nothing unless there's more to the story?

kurlique · 13/09/2016 11:48

Hey Edmund a DP having a fun weekend away is not the same as a DP being away working, whatever their job is, saying thank you for doing parenting isn't required but an acknowledgment that you have given them the chance to go off and fun is not unreasonable.