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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want him to say thanks?

84 replies

Lizkmg · 13/09/2016 10:50

OH went away on a stag all weekend, I stayed at home with our 6 month old baby. His Mum was away as well leaving me to feed her cats and clean her 6 (yes six!) litter trays. The cat thing wasn't his fault, his mum just went and expected us to do it, but still, they're not my cats.

Anyway since He came home on Sunday he hasn't said thanks. I don't want a big fuss, just a quick thank you for looking after the baby and cats all weekend.

I feel like because at the moment he earns and I don't he doesn't need to thank me.

OP posts:
kurlique · 13/09/2016 11:51

*have funBlush

CatNip2 · 13/09/2016 11:57

I wouldn't expect a thanks for that from the DH, I would however expect a fridge magnet if he went anywhere good and a bottle of Chanel from the airport as standard.

CatNip2 · 13/09/2016 11:57

..oh and 2 bottles of Bombay Sapphire for £20

mouldycheesefan · 13/09/2016 12:02

I wouldn't have done the cats.
" sorry no I can't do it"

mouldycheesefan · 13/09/2016 12:03

Showing appreciation and thanks to ones partner is surely essential? Otherwise taking them for granted. I agree with you op.

Memoires · 13/09/2016 12:04

Why would he thank you for looking after someone else's house and cats. MIL should thank you, but she probably doesn't know it was you this weekend.

It would be niceif he showed some appeciation for the things you do, like you do for hm, and you can have a chat about that.

Damselindestress · 13/09/2016 12:05

I don't see why someone wouldn't say thanks. I thank my husband for helping round the house, he thanks me when I cook dinner, all the little things. Yes these are things we are basically expected to do to keep life running smoothly but it's still nice to be acknowledged and appreciated. In this case OP's OH had a lovely weekend away and didn't have to worry about doing any of the childcare while she's had her hands full, it would be nice for him to acknowledge that. Why not?

kurlique · 13/09/2016 12:05

Edmund 6 cats is not an entirely average number for a household... And they make itch😣

I think you have missed my piont, I am not particularly extolling the spa day concept - only been on one and that was for a friend's birthday - but they are very, very popular with people, paragliding perhaps less soGrin What I was trying to say, obviously very badly, is it isn't unreasonable for parents to give each other time off from parenting from time to time to have fun but from my experience it's important for BOTH parents to appreciate that they don't have the automatic right to do so without acknowledging it and offering a similar opportunity to the other parent, even if the other parent isn't inclined to go away and just have a few hours of free time/headspace instead.

Rozdeek · 13/09/2016 12:05

zippidy

What's weird about saying 6 months is a difficult age?

Most of babyhood is a difficult age IMO. My DS is 6 months and he's a bloody nightmare.

pictish · 13/09/2016 12:10

Mono 6 months is not a difficult age. Every age is 'difficult' in some sense or other and all things being equal, 6 months is no more so than any other age.

OP...I have thanked dh for happily watching the kids while I go off galavanting, but he tells me not to be daft.

I can see where you're coming from and recognition of your efforts would be nice...but I don't think you've gone above and beyond or anything, so it probs didn't occur to him to thank you.

His mum should say thanks though.

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 13/09/2016 12:11

I think it depends on your nature & your relationship.

I tried to explain more, but it looked like War & Peace so I deleted it! 😁

I don't think 'Thank you for holding the fort & looking after mum's cats' is too big an ask though. However, some people just don't say it, it doesn't mean it's not appreciated or that he wouldn't do the same and wouldn't expect you to actually say 'thank you'.

BUT all that said, IF you genuinely think it's an 'I'm earning you're not therefore I'm entitled' type thing, then get it sorted NOW. Also, look at your future plans re returning to work, staying in some kind of position where you can return to work, easily.

TendonQueen · 13/09/2016 12:11

Politeness costs nothing, and this is a person he's supposed to love. What miserable lives people must lead who imagine it's wrong to want a verbal thankyou for someone taking on your cleaning/cat feeding so that you could go away for the weekend. Do you also not say thank you when you are given change in supermarkets, on the grounds that the check out assistant is being paid to do it, so why would anything else be necessary?

LagunaBubbles · 13/09/2016 12:13

If I was going out to socialise while he stayed alone with the baby I would thank him

Why should any parent expect thanks for well actually parenting? I dont get that. Of course showing appreciation is important, but I dont think thanking someone for looking after their own baby is necessary.

Monochromecat · 13/09/2016 12:17

Pictish at 5 years and 7 years my kids are currently a walk in the park.
My point is that everyone's experience is different and op would not have posted here if she hadn't felt that looking after s 6 month old all weekend was difficult.

60sname · 13/09/2016 12:24

I would expect a thanks for facilitating DH going off for a whole weekend as it would mean no downtime for me during the day.

In fact he did have a stag when DS was 6mo and going through a particularly horrible period of not sleeping for more than an hour at a time. It was hellish, and yes he did say thanks and I appreciated it.

damngirl · 13/09/2016 12:33

I don't think YABU at all.

Me and my OH say thank you to each other if we cook, wash up, help each other with chores etc. It's basic manners and it's nice to show and be shown appreciation.

Your MIL is fucking rude.

Original poster
Lizkmg · 13/09/2016 12:54

Neither. You misunderstand, I didn't want him to thank me for letting him go away. I didn't grant permission or anything like that, he didn't ask for permission the relationship isn't like that. I just thought he could find some way to show, or say thanks (or even just ask how i got on) for being alone for the whole weekend, after being alone all week while he worked as well. I cleaned the house from top to bottom, and yes it's my house and my baby, but it's also his house and his baby and he had a weekend free from any responsibility.

Maybe I'm crazy, but roles reverse id have said thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lizkmg · 13/09/2016 13:10

MIL is extremely rude, I accept that. She basically told us whilst laughing to herself that she hasn't made any arrangements for the cats so that we had no choice but to sort it. They were her actual words. He was going away on a stag so it was left to me. My 6mo obviously can't walk, so I have to push her up the rickety old path to MILs front door in the pram, get her up the high step, into the house, find a cat free room, leave her there (usually crying or a bit upset by this point) while I empty 6 trays of dusty poo litter, fill the food and water bowls and then lock up. Oh and she lives in town so I'll be parked miles away too.

I don't know whether 6 months is a difficult age, she's my first baby and to be honest she's an absolute dream to look after, I'm besotted. I didn't actually say it was a difficult age, some nice people who sympathise with me said it. However I will say it makes the cat job harder than it would be, but that's fairly obvious.

I don't expect any thanks for normal parenting. My OH does 60 hour weeks at work, and I thank him for that and have told him we don't need all the money and of he wants to take something easier /
Lower pay that is more than fine with me. I don't begrudge him a weekend away, I don't want him to throw a party every time I wash his undies. I just thought going away for a whole weekend might be something he would appreciate, and she is my baby but she's also his so the fact of the matter is that I facilitated him going away without having to worry about the house, baby or his cats (they are his, they still live with MIL but they were his cats too)

Anyway opinion seems divided. I don't think I'm unreasonable to have expected an acknowledgment, maybe a thanks, or maybe even a present from his trip!! (thought hadn't occoured before someone posted that Smile )

But I didn't get one and life goes on. I love my baby and love looking after her, it's hard with no respite but Christ, there are plenty of people with harder lives.

OP posts:
attheendoftheday · 13/09/2016 13:14

I think yanbu. My dp was away last weekend and definitely said thanks afterwards! He is getting to go on a jolly because you are doing his share of the childcare, so thanks are definitely in order I'm.

Original poster
Lizkmg · 13/09/2016 13:21

By the way, thank you for all the replies, I don't post very often, but it's really helpful to get opinions instead of sitting at home twirling it over and over in my head.

On a separate (but probably completely relevant) note, I am struggling with the adjustment from full time work in Manchester city centre, to being a SAHM in a sleepy terraced street :)

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 13/09/2016 13:25

Oh come on, of course he should show his appreciation! Yes, the baby is hers too, but he's had a weekend away so he can afford to thank her for that. As for his mum - SIX cat litter trays? I wouldn't do that for anyone.

ImperialBlether · 13/09/2016 13:26

Liz, do you go to any toddler groups with your baby? I made some great friends that way.

DorothyHarris · 13/09/2016 13:28

Wow there are some really odd responses on this thread. FWIW I don't think you are being u reasonable. For those saying he shouldn't thank you for parenting, I'm presuming that you aren't on your own all the time and the weekend is the time where he can help and share more of the care for your baby and housework. This is how it works in my house anyway, so I absolutely would expect a thank you from DH for you taking on 100% of the responsibility for 48 hours for a pissup.
Those with partners who work away is not the same as people going out socialising at the weekend at all. Ps I've got 6m old twins are are a nightmare. For those saying that 6m old babies are easy can fuck right off. I've got a 2.5 year old as well so I know this too shall pass haha.

phillipp · 13/09/2016 13:29

I don't think there is or right answer to this.

Me and dh thank eachother for doing stuff. He cooks everyday, I always say thanks when he hands me my dinner. He says thanks for making sure he has clean clothes for work (I do all the washing).

He would thank me for having the kids if he was away, I would too. More of an acknowledgment that we had put ourseleves out to benefit the other. It's not about thanking people for looking after their own child. It's just a bit of appreciation that they have had a more difficult few hours/days so that the other could do something.

But I also don't think there is anything wrong with not saying thank you and can see the other point of view.

It's about expectations and communication. Op if this is important to you, tell him.

timeisnotaline · 13/09/2016 13:32

Woah - of course you should expect a thanks! Yes you are parenting because you are a parent, but he's not parenting. You're doing it solo so he can have fun. You didn't get married to do the tough stuff on your own and small babies are very much the tough stuff. If he was working all weekend it would still be hard on you even though he's contributing to the family by doing that, in our house weekends we are both parents and have to consult before booking other things in rather than assume I am the default parent available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

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