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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DP, pets vs relationship

90 replies

YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 17:21

DP hates the responsibility of owning pets. We have a dog and cats and he blames the mess in the house on them but doesn't clean up after them imo. We both look after them but I do it alone when he's at work, I'd do it myself all the time but i say if he lives in this house (my house) that he has to help clean the litter and take the dog out etc so that it's fair. I gave him the option of leaving many times, he doesn't want to go.

Today we had a row because he wants to give them away so we can have "a nice home" but before we got a cat I was very depressed, they help soothe my mental health issues and yes they do rip things up and occasionally pee where they aren't meant to but I think it's worth it. I told him (exact quote) "you will go before a single one of those cats" and his response was "yes and I'll take 6mo DS with me!" I am absolutely furious, can he do that? I think it's a terribly nasty thing to say and if he choses to leave he can't just take my baby away! I'd never restrict access and he works 12 hour shifts where as I'm a SAHM it doesn't make any sense Sad

He says that I have put them "before" him and it's nice to know he's not even second best Hmm But I think any reasonable person who loves someone else would never ever make them chose.

AIBU or are they "just pets" as DP says. To me they feel like family Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 17:24

Ps I don't have like 60 cats, just read the OP back to myself Grin Sound like a hoarder, just a couple but they are long haired and the dog is part husky so there is a lot of pet hair in my house

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 12/09/2016 17:26

I can't work out whether you chose to have the pets together or you had them yourself before you met him?

namechanger1981 · 12/09/2016 17:26

Oh no!! Well I feel for you both.

It's no fun if you don't love pets especially if they are peeing and stuff. We have long haired cats who can be a nightmare but both of us love them and just get on with it when they do that.

But he shouldn't make you choose either.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 12/09/2016 17:27

I was mostly with you until you said they rip things up and pee where they are not supposed to. Living with animals when your not keen on them is one thing but as an animal lovers who at one point had 4 cats, 2 dogs and several small furries. I could not have lived with destructive or unclean behaviour. Why are they being destructive and peeing in the wrong place? Why not try and resolve those issues then DH might find them easier to live with. Also if they are your pets not his (which is what is sounds like) then I think the ownership of cleaning up should be on you. My animals are mine not DHs he will help if I specifically ask but would never clean up after them of his own accord. Same way I would never clean his car without him asking me to.

willconcern · 12/09/2016 17:27

Same question. Which came first in time - him or the animals?

ts.

Yambabe · 12/09/2016 17:27

If they are your pets why does he have to clean up after them? No wonder he resents them.......

phillipp · 12/09/2016 17:28

My dog is my baby. I wanted her, I clear up after her.

However I would not be putting up with pets that rip stuff up or piss everywhere.

What happens when the baby is crawling?

Neither of you are right or wrong. Pets should be treated like family imo. But something needs to be done about the destruction.

Really how bad is it? I suspect it could be a lot worse than you admitting.

The relationship doesn't sound it's best anyway. You don't want to change anything even though he is unhappy. Surely there can be compromise somewhere.

Also you refer to it as 'your' house. Surely it's both of your home?

He shouldn't be threatening to take your son.

stayathomegardener · 12/09/2016 17:31

Huskys are hard work with exercise so I wonder if you chose the wrong breed. Who picked or did you have the animals before he moved in.
Wee in the house is not good, I would hate that. I have two dogs, one of which is a 17 week old puppy and I do make sure they are out enough to never wee indoors.
Do you not have enough time or too many commitment with a young baby to deal with the animals properly?

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 12/09/2016 17:31

Why are you furious with him. You told him he would go before the cats did. How's he supposed to feel of course he retaliated with something equally as hurtful.

You need to come to some sort of compromise together instead of both of you giving ultimatums.

You're expecting him to clean up after animals he didn't want which is also unfair.

Having animals pissing in the house, ripping stuff up and shedding hair everywhere isn't a great environment for a baby tbh.

Pineappletastic · 12/09/2016 17:33

Hmm, in our house the person who wanted the pet does he lion's share of the care, so I do the cats (they don't have litter trays anymore thankfully), and DH does the dog, I stipulated when we got her that I was not training or walking the dog (I do sometimes). We do a bit of cross care on request if the other is away or whatever, DH fed the cats a lot when I had HG. So I probably would say you're BU to expect him to walk your dog. As for the seeing where they shouldn't - I'd say this needs addressing unless one of them has an ongoing health condition?

However, he is totally U to expect you to discard a pet in order to have a nicer house, this would be a total deal breaker for me as well. This is twattish.

I imagine it's pretty unlikely that, working 12 hour shifts and having left your house, he'd be likely to get full custody of your DC.

Unhelpful, but why did you have a child with a man that obviously wants a different home and lifestyle to you?

ScarletForYa · 12/09/2016 17:35

I told him (exact quote) "you will go before a single one of those cats

He says that I have put them "before" him and it's nice to know he's not even second best

Well he's right. If they're your animals you clean up after them. It's unreasonable to expect him to do it if they're not his.

NicknameUsed · 12/09/2016 17:36

Who came first?

Pets shouldn't be ripping things or leaving messes behind. I used to have 2 cats and they never did this.

If you got the pets when your partner didn't want them why should they be his responsibility?

honeylulu · 12/09/2016 17:37

I agree that pets should be considered family members. But also that each adult member of the family should agree to getting pets. Were they yours before you met? Or did you get them after without his agreement? If they're your pets then you should be solely responsible for their care.
It's poor show to take on a commitment and then decide to offload it on someone else who hasn't agreed to it.

Salmiak · 12/09/2016 17:38

You've told him he comes second in your life "you will go before a single one of those cats"

You force him to clean litter boxes and walk your dog as a condition of him living in 'your' house

They make a mess, rip up furniture and piss everywhere in his home (delightful)

He works 12 hour shifts and you are a sahm and the owner of these pets. Not him, yet part of the burden of looking after/ cleaning up their mess is his role - you have decided this is fair.

He is unhappy. Really unhappy. He is telling you he's not happy. You are not listening, not thinking of ways to resolve this - you just want to stamp your foot when it doesn't all go the way you have decided you want things to go. Instead you post one crappy comment he made on an Internet forum hoping he'll get flamed and you can play the victim.... Listen to your partner, before you lose his love.

Mysterycat23 · 12/09/2016 17:40

Another dog owner here. It's not normal for dogs to have "accidents" once they're past the puppy stage. If you don't have time or energy to take the husky out for proper exercise (2 hours per day intensive as a minimum, not just walking round the park, they are a high energy breed) just pay for a professional dog walker. We pay £8 per day for ours and she is fantastic. It's cruel to the dog otherwise and also destroying your relationship by the sounds of things. You've made the first step by admitting there's a problem - you can sort this. Good luck.

takesnoprisoners · 12/09/2016 17:41

You Partner does not like the pets. Why should he clean up after them? Get a cleaner if you can't do it and if cleaning up after them is not something you can do on your own then you need to consider finding them another home. YABU.

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 17:45

Sorry, to clear things up we both got the animals together

They just do an 'average' amount of cat destruction like using bumpy wallpaper as a scratch post which we're replacing with non-textured or leaving hair on clean clothes. The pee thing was due to DP leaving the litter trays mucky while I was bedridden after a hospital stay they didn't want to go inside them Sad They aren't bad cats just you're average pesky type Smile

OP posts:
Rosae · 12/09/2016 17:45

You've not only told him he's second best to a few animals. You've also told him the place he lives in is not his home. It's yours. Both are big hurts and will give huge insecurity. If I were him I'd leave. And he may not get full custody but he would get access which would take your baby away from you sometimes. Do you really want to be with this man? And respect him enough to listen to his feelings? What would you do in his place?

Rosae · 12/09/2016 17:47

Bit of a cross post. If you got them together it's a little different and he has responsibility there. But still. Maybe a compromise? X

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 17:47

He did want the animals until he realised you actually have to look after them that's what is upsetting me the most, dog is only a husky X his behaviour is impeccable just sheds a lot of hair and DP detests hoovering

OP posts:
Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 17:48

House is in my name, he moved into my house. I meant if one of us had to go I wouldn't leave my own house Hmm

OP posts:
Blueskyrain · 12/09/2016 17:52

A commitment to an animal is for it's life as far as I'm concerned. You agreed to get the pets together and he should honour that promise. Giving away pets because children come along or because it's inconvenient really isn't on in my opinion, unless there are exceptional circumstances.

SaggyNaggy · 12/09/2016 17:52

Sontheure both your pets.
If he'd said that he'd kick you out before rehoming a single one of them how would you feel?

Right now, the poor chap is running 2nd to a child, 3rd to a dog, 4th to a cat, 5th to second cat. If I was him I'd be wondering exactly why I'm there? Is he basically a paycheque right now?

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 17:52

salmiak Everything you said is very incorrect please read the update.

OP posts:
Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 17:54

I don't think it's acceptable to buy a pet and then change your mind because you cannot be bothered to look after it Blush

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