Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DP, pets vs relationship

90 replies

YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 17:21

DP hates the responsibility of owning pets. We have a dog and cats and he blames the mess in the house on them but doesn't clean up after them imo. We both look after them but I do it alone when he's at work, I'd do it myself all the time but i say if he lives in this house (my house) that he has to help clean the litter and take the dog out etc so that it's fair. I gave him the option of leaving many times, he doesn't want to go.

Today we had a row because he wants to give them away so we can have "a nice home" but before we got a cat I was very depressed, they help soothe my mental health issues and yes they do rip things up and occasionally pee where they aren't meant to but I think it's worth it. I told him (exact quote) "you will go before a single one of those cats" and his response was "yes and I'll take 6mo DS with me!" I am absolutely furious, can he do that? I think it's a terribly nasty thing to say and if he choses to leave he can't just take my baby away! I'd never restrict access and he works 12 hour shifts where as I'm a SAHM it doesn't make any sense Sad

He says that I have put them "before" him and it's nice to know he's not even second best Hmm But I think any reasonable person who loves someone else would never ever make them chose.

AIBU or are they "just pets" as DP says. To me they feel like family Sad

OP posts:
Babynamechange · 12/09/2016 17:56

It wasn't just one 'crappy' comment though.... He threatened to take the OP's baby away. The Op is the primary carer and that's about the worst thing he could threaten... I think there's more to this x

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 17:57

Also I don't demand or force he does anything it's just he chose them as much as I did so why should I do 100% of all the cleaning? Which I do most of the time anyway. His shifts means he gets 7 days off in a row regularly and is generally not pulling his weight which is why I sound so harsh Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 17:59

Thanks babyname you're right I think its the worst thing anyone could threaten. You're also right about there being more to this I was trying not to drip feed but think I've missed too much out the original post so sorry to everyone about that

OP posts:
SaggyNaggy · 12/09/2016 17:59

Od question how much he wanted the pets.after all, ypoure the one with depression, you're the one that they help etc etc.

Rightly or wrongly it may well have been that he agreed to keep you happy. He works 12 hour days after all so he may have figures that you would do the vast majority as you're a SAHM and will spend far more time with the pets than he is able too.

Rosae · 12/09/2016 17:59

The way you phrased it seems like you make the rules cos it's your house. A condition of him living in your house is he does what you want. I wouldn't live like that. And if I was with someone and they were constantly offering me the option to leave then I would. I'd take that as them not really being bothered if I stay. And tbh, it sounds like you aren't really bothered.
People can change their minds especially if he's not had pets before. Maybe a compromise could be training the cats to go outside, no litter tray then so no pee inside the house.

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 18:00

I do the vast majority though Confused I only ask for a bit of help when he's off work

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 12/09/2016 18:02

You have a responsibility to the pets. Frankly he could sod off if he was my dp.

Rosae · 12/09/2016 18:02

I do think it's a horrible thing to say btw. But if you want to be with him and he's this unhappy then something has to change.

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 18:03

He doesn't want them in the house at all and I said as a compromise to make/buy a cat run they can spend the day in weather permitting but he won't help do it

Sorry I'm just naff at phrasing things, I just meant if he choses to live here with them he can't just decide not to help. He just wants to play on the PlayStation all the time i sound like im not bothered because I'm trying to prepare for the worst I think I'm at "dealbreaker" stage

OP posts:
BengalCatMum · 12/09/2016 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Babynamechange · 12/09/2016 18:04

If someone was continually on my case to get rid of something I really loved/needed then I'd be digging my heels in too. The fact that he then threatened to take the OPs baby when she stood her ground speaks volumes x

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 18:07

No offence but if your house is messy and thats the real issue; then I doubt it is the animals, sorry.

You have absolutely hit the nail on the head, he says the animals are the reason it's messy. I say it's because I've got to clean up after everyone on my own and look after 2 kids under 4 all day (which he thinks isn't a proper job I assume) while he monitors a computer screen on a comfy chair plus his mess because he doesn't do his own washing etc. I think he wants a housewife and I want an equal partnership.

OP posts:
Cocklodger · 12/09/2016 18:08

I think you're being U to say you'd get rid of him before the cats. It's not a nice thing to say but taking updates into consideration YANBU about the rest of it

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/09/2016 18:15

I've got to clean up after everyone on my own and look after 2 kids under 4 all day (which he thinks isn't a proper job I assume) while he monitors a computer screen on a comfy chair

So you don't value his job either then....

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 18:17

I do but he doesn't exactly have to do anything strenuous in comparison, I'm more annoyed that he thinks my job is easy. I don't think people who monitor alarms don't have an important job and I'm sure time drags in when you don't have anything to actively do.

OP posts:
Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 18:19

But yes I do apologise if that seems I've demeaned anyone's job I certainly didn't mean it like thatBlush

OP posts:
BengalCatMum · 12/09/2016 18:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 18:22

Yes it's just general household mess, he moved in with me after living with his DM into his 20's and she cleaned everything for him so he says he's just not used to it even though hes been here for 2 years

Thanks so much for the link I'm on it right now Grin

OP posts:
MaddyHatter · 12/09/2016 18:25

so its YOUR house and he's telling you to get rid of YOUR pets?

I'd pack his bag and tell him to fuck off.

i'm married, and my DH would be out the door before my cats.

BengalCatMum · 12/09/2016 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

harshbuttrue1980 · 12/09/2016 18:29

Something sounds not right with your relationship...he works 12 hour shifts to support you being a SAHM, and what you say goes because it is YOUR house?? If I was him, I'd be running for the hills. He has to support you financially, follow your house rules, clean up your pets, and you won't put his name on the mortgage?? Stuff that for a game of soldiers - he'd be better off leaving and getting joint custody.

DeathStare · 12/09/2016 18:33

I think there's more to this than the pets. You both sound unhappy, you're both unwilling to see the other's point of view or recognise the impact of your own behaviour, and you both day really hurtful things to each other that imply that other things are more important to you than the other. It also seems like there is an issue about whose house it is and what that means in terms of setting the rules.

Have you thought about relationship counselling?

WannaBe · 12/09/2016 18:34

How long have you had these animals?

I've always had pets, currently have a dog (he's a guide dog so not a pet per se) and a parrot, and prior to that have had a variety of cats/budgies/rabbit etc... The one thing I did notice though was how eXH's attitude towards some of the animals changed after we had DS. When we got our two cats we got them together. In fact it was eXH's idea to get two kittens instead of one as they would keep each other company and play together etc. They were allowed to sleep on the bed, one of them was eXH's cat in particular etc. And then when DS came along he became less tolerant of the cats. He never suggested getting rid of them, but he certainly didn't seem to feel the love for them any more after DS came along. And when we split it went without saying that all the animals came with me.

Is it possible that your DP feels the same way about these animals? Especially with a soon-to-be crawling baby in the equation? A husky and two long-haired cats are going to shed an almighty amount of hair, the kind of amounts which will mean needing to vacuum every day. If they pee in the house and are destructive then I can see that tolerance of that might be short-lived.

Given the animals are now here you've made the commitment to them and pets are not disposable and your DP needs to realise that. However if the house is constantly covered in hair and smells of cat litter trays and cat pee then that in itself would test the patience of most. So if you don't want that then you need to keep on top of it more. And TBH as a sahm you have more of the time to be able to. It takes two minutes to empty a litter tray. Cat pee is revolting, and you need to stay on top of that. If your DP has indulged your desire for animals because of your depression then it seems as if he's said yes to something which he didn't entirely think through. However it also sounds as if the animals are more of a chore now that you have a baby in the equation too.

gamerchick · 12/09/2016 18:34

They always threaten to take the kids, always! It's not easy to ignore but ignore it anyway.

Send him back home to mummy, it doesn't mean you have to split up.

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 18:34

Well no he had that job before we met and I was a SAHM before we met Hmm It's my council house, he does put some money towards the rent but I pay the bills except sometimes he puts the electric on and does pay for half the food.

They're our pets. Why should they just be mine if we both got them? Of course we have joint custody I'd never restrict access

OP posts: