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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is DP, pets vs relationship

90 replies

YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 17:21

DP hates the responsibility of owning pets. We have a dog and cats and he blames the mess in the house on them but doesn't clean up after them imo. We both look after them but I do it alone when he's at work, I'd do it myself all the time but i say if he lives in this house (my house) that he has to help clean the litter and take the dog out etc so that it's fair. I gave him the option of leaving many times, he doesn't want to go.

Today we had a row because he wants to give them away so we can have "a nice home" but before we got a cat I was very depressed, they help soothe my mental health issues and yes they do rip things up and occasionally pee where they aren't meant to but I think it's worth it. I told him (exact quote) "you will go before a single one of those cats" and his response was "yes and I'll take 6mo DS with me!" I am absolutely furious, can he do that? I think it's a terribly nasty thing to say and if he choses to leave he can't just take my baby away! I'd never restrict access and he works 12 hour shifts where as I'm a SAHM it doesn't make any sense Sad

He says that I have put them "before" him and it's nice to know he's not even second best Hmm But I think any reasonable person who loves someone else would never ever make them chose.

AIBU or are they "just pets" as DP says. To me they feel like family Sad

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 12/09/2016 18:35

Did he GENUINELY want all the pets as much as you did?

Or did you want them more and push him into agreeing?

Did he really understand the implications of living with those types of animal, with regards to hair shedding, exercise requirements, hygiene etc?

If he DID want them as much as you, if he did understand the work level involved and the implications of not doing that work, ie, messy house, unruly animals... then YANBU.

IF however you pushed him into agreeing and if he didn't understand how it would be... then you are possibly being a bit unfair.

I think this is about more than the pets though, I think theres some serious misunderstandings about everyones expectations as to what the other should do and be responsible for.

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 18:35

He can have his name on it if he wants.... All i meant was if we were to split up then why would I leave a house that is solely in my name Blush

OP posts:
GoldFishFingerz · 12/09/2016 18:39

Do he agreed to having pets but then decided he didn't like the responsibility.

What does he do in the house generally? Housework wise?

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 18:40

I thought we both wanted them, he didn't show any resistance and I didn't push but I agree that i don't think he understood how much you have to actually do to look after a pet, but I only know this in hindsight really

I think this is about more than the pets though, I think theres some serious misunderstandings about everyones expectations as to what the other should do and be responsible for. I think you're right

OP posts:
Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 12/09/2016 18:42

My ex got stressful with our rottweiler that we bought together. Actually he was just stressed full stop and turned the focus to the dog. He turned into a bully with the kids and as I can actually stick up for my self he turned his fists to the dog.

I filed for divorce for unreasonable behaviour - ob not just because of the dog but his attitude /behaviour /lies and temper. Maybe your dh had underlying issues and your pets are taking the blame when it's really himself or other things that he is pissed of with? Sounds so like my ex.

Screenburn · 12/09/2016 18:44

OP what possessed you to get a husky cross when you have serious mobility difficulties (as you described on your previous thread) and your DP works 12hr shifts? Anything with husky in it is going to need LOTS of exercise which it sounds like neither you nor your DP can offer.

BengalCatMum · 12/09/2016 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BengalCatMum · 12/09/2016 18:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 18:50

Screenburn I have a dog walker that I pay for Hmm like I said the dog is an absolute angel it's only his hair that DP kicks off about. I only ask DP to take him for a nighttime poo or wee in the garden or down the road Blush

OP posts:
bilboteabaggin · 12/09/2016 18:53

To me it sounds like you keeping adding little extras to your story because you weren't being agreed with at first. Anyway you told him he's not really that important to you and so what if he said he'll take his Dc with him it's his child too, perhaps he be a sahd. You don't have any more right to your son than he does.

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 18:55

Also I didn't chose his breed he was a rescue as an unwanted pup who I had the resources and love for. His exercise needs have never been neglected (hence why he doesn't destroy anything) and my mobility issues began a year after I got him.

OP posts:
Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 18:56

I get that every time I post bilbo I'm not very good at explaining things and sometimes forget to put stuff in the OP but I thought a lot of people accidentally did that Blush but happy to answer questions

OP posts:
kali110 · 12/09/2016 19:02

I wouldn't get rid of my pets. Neither would dh.
They're a handful at times.
All cats are different. Just because some people's never wee anywhere but their litter trays doesn't mean it doesn't happen Grin
Mine have! He was stressed about a move and a new cat.
If your dp didn't clean the litter trays then no wonder the cats pissed else where!
That's his fault for not looking after them!
I also agree with 'you have an animal for life not till you get annoyed with them'.
It's not their fault he didn't realise what it took to take care of an animal.

sparechange · 12/09/2016 19:03

I have a dog that moults like mad, and I love her a huge amount. But it doesn't come at the expense of having a half-clean house and there is no bloody way I would put up with pissing inside or ripping things up.

If the mess is driving your DP mad, and you can't stay on top of it, then the animals need to be restricted to parts of the house which are easier to clean, and the dog needs regular regular grooming (preferably out of the house!)

You've said something spiteful and childish to him, he has hit back with something equally stupid.
You need to work as a team to decide what the acceptable standard is, how you're going to collectively reach it and remind yourselves that random threats and insults help no one

Welshrainbow · 12/09/2016 19:09

It sounds like he agreed to get them but wouldn't have chosen to have animals if it weren't for you. Personally my cat and my dog are part of the family and I wouldn't give them away for the world so could you come to a compromise and do the work involved in keeping them, I can imagine working 12 hour shifts then coming home to hoover and groom the pets would be more than he wants to do, especially if he also wants to spend time with your little one when he gets home too. Obviously there will be times when you need him to help with them but maybe not all the time.

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 19:13

He doesn't want to look after DC either. Just wants to play on the PlayStation and gets annoyed if I put the telly on instead

OP posts:
kali110 · 12/09/2016 19:15

Sounds like you're betteroff without him.
Wants the fun of having pets and kids but none of the hard work.

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 19:15

I can agree with that Welsh, I don't mind doing all the work involved with them but I feel like he just does nothing except work and I think I'm done with him

Weird how MN is the first to say LTB unless you actually want to and then you're in the wrong Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 19:17

Kali xpost sorry Grin

OP posts:
BipBippadotta · 12/09/2016 19:25

I agree that pets are for life; I can get very judgey when people rehome animals because they can't be arsed to look after them properly or find they are inconvenienced by a bit of fur.

I can see how you'd tell your partner that he'd go before the cats would, if you're at the end of your tether with his uselessness and he wants to chuck out creatures that (a) you love very much and (b) he committed to looking after with you, simply because he can't be arsed ever doing the hoovering.

It sounds like there's a lot more to this conflict than the pets, and it might be helpful to reframe it in terms of domestic and family responsibilities more generally. My dad used to claim that he and my mother split up because of our cats; in fact they split up because he kept shagging other women & my mother threw him out! Pets are quite easy to project onto when there are bigger issues afoot.

Do you love him?

Secretmetalfan · 12/09/2016 19:33

My DH moved into the house I owned but it is very much our family house now. If the pet thing is the only thing wrong with your relationship (doubtful) you are basically putting your pets before your child by saying I would rather the father of my child moves out and the father and baby see less of each other )which would be inevitable) than get rid of a cat/ clean up after them. I'm with your DP on this. one of the more shocking things I've read on MN to date tbh.

Original poster
YourNewspaperIsShit · 12/09/2016 19:37

"you are basically putting your pets before your child by saying I would rather the father of my child moves out"

Why should I make cats end up in a shelter because I've been forced to give them away? I think that is disgusting

OP posts:
cansu · 12/09/2016 19:41

I don't think you should be obliged to get rid of your pets, but he may have a case for saying he doesn't want to get any new pets. As for the comment about your ds, it is nasty but rubbish. If you did split, the most he would be likely to get would be shared care. Given he works long hours and is not the primary carer he would be unlikelŷ to be given any more than this. He just wanted to upset you and possibly assert his authority. I suppose the house being yours makes him feel vulnerable. You shouldn't have said that about him going first.

pinkdelight · 12/09/2016 19:50

A debate over the pet situation shouldn't escalate to being about getting rid of your DP and then to him taking the DC with him. It all sounds very unhealthy and it's hard to know where to start. You could be hard done by with a lazyarse DP who is being a twat saying he'd take the DC, or you could be one of those mad pet people who don't realise/care that their house smells of pet wee and animal fur, and DP might mean he'd take the DC because it'd be the best thing for them. It's hard to know as we only have your side and even from that perspective, it sounds like you don't love him and aren't far from getting rid. I think you're both being unreasonable, but it goes much deeper than the pets, but maybe if you can start to hear each other's needs - he really doesn't want the pets, and you really need him to step up as a partner - then there may be some hope. Otherwise, it's not really a matter of who's right. It's unfortunate all round.

user1471438981 · 12/09/2016 19:54

I am in a similar situation to you OP - I love my many furry and scaly pets, but my partner doesn't. So they stay, with the proviso that I do all the care and they behave. He knows that I value him above them, but at the same time, if he asked me to abandon them for no good reason I would ask him to leave, as he knows how important they are to me, and if he cared for me he wouldn't force the issue.
^is this why you are upset OP? Personally I think your DP was pretty awful threatening to leave and take your DC over cat fluff!
Maybe have a proper talk about how you both feel about the animals/distribution of their care, and see if you can reach an agreement.

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