Or is DP, pets vs relationship

[YourNewspaperIsShit]

DP hates the responsibility of owning pets. We have a dog and cats and he blames the mess in the house on them but doesn't clean up after them imo. We both look after them but I do it alone when he's at work, I'd do it myself all the time but i say if he lives in this house (my house) that he has to help clean the litter and take the dog out etc so that it's fair. I gave him the option of leaving many times, he doesn't want to go.

Today we had a row because he wants to give them away so we can have "a nice home" but before we got a cat I was very depressed, they help soothe my mental health issues and yes they do rip things up and occasionally pee where they aren't meant to but I think it's worth it. I told him (exact quote) "you will go before a single one of those cats" and his response was "yes and I'll take 6mo DS with me!" I am absolutely furious, can he do that? I think it's a terribly nasty thing to say and if he choses to leave he can't just take my baby away! I'd never restrict access and he works 12 hour shifts where as I'm a SAHM it doesn't make any sense

He says that I have put them "before" him and it's nice to know he's not even second best But I think any reasonable person who loves someone else would never ever make them chose.

AIBU or are they "just pets" as DP says. To me they feel like family

[PepsiPenguin]

Agree with Bengal it does sound like there hasn't been much discussion on roles and responsibilities.

Two children under 4, cats (not sure how many) a husky and a man child sounds like a lot - so after the updates I can kind of see now why you said what you did, because at first I was thinking you were being a bit unreasonable but as more as come to light, he sounds pretty useless to me and that he is looking for you to step into his mummy's shoes.

But I also think you may have bitten off a bit more than you can handle with such a small baby and new relationship (I couldnt cope with that and have a supportive DP) How many cats do you actually have? I think this will make a difference as to whether you could/should compromise.

But I 100% do think he should be helping not just being a man child and playing his Xbox.

As for taking your DS no he can't do that, mothers have all the rights in the absence of a court order so if he did you could call the police.

[FairyDogMother11]

My partner and I got our dog together. He really pushed for us to get a pet as he was bored and lonely a lot working opposite (long, 10-12hr) shifts to me. We're both dog people, however I admit fully I wasn't as keen on the idea, I liked not having ties etc. Despite this, I look after our dog everyday and I love him loads. Yes it's hard work getting up to walk him at 8am when I get in at 2/3am four times a week after work, yes I'm boring because some days I can't stay late at things as it's not fair to leave him. No one LIKES hoovering fur (or anything) but we do it. We made a commitment to him together and even when I'm exhausted I wouldn't change him for the world. I think, and understand, why you're probably frustrated with his lack of involvement, I think you both need to sit down and communicate to each other what it is you both expect of the other. For example, if you're home most of the time, I can see that he probably does expect you to do the main amount of housework. DP and I work similar hours and split the housework fairly evenly, including pet duties. However if I'm working all weekend or a considerable amount more hours, and he's not, and vice versa, for example, the housework and pet stuff does fall mainly to him. It is about finding a balance and I think unless you find that balance you're going to get more and more resentful. You'll start rows for no reason, but it will all be coming from that issue that hasn't been solved or even properly looked at. Good luck x

[Welshrainbow]

OP if it's the end of the line for your relationship and the pets have just become a symptom of that then I agree it's time to end it. If you think it might be worth saving the relationship if he wasn't meaning about the pets etc then have a period of doing all the work and see if things improve, if they don't then probably time to think about ending it.

[Seeyouontheotherside]

I left a relationship before because I hated living with a dog. It was hell. So my sympathies are with your partner. He didn't realise how awful, smelly and filthy living with animals was going to be and now he's trapped. His pet ownership was a mistake and he hates it. Who can blame him for wanting to live in a clean, pleasant home?

You have a choice, do you want your child to grow up with you and his dad in the same house? Do you want your marriage intact? Or do you want to live with your child and pets, sharing custody with his dad who will get a nice, clean house?

If you don't love your husband, let him go, if you do love him, let the animals go. There is no compromise that he can be happy with.

[YourNewspaperIsShit]

He isn't my husband but I get the jist. He is DC2's dad. I respect that pets aren't for everyone but I don't feel that they are something you can just "give away" when you change your mind and if he doesn't want to live with them then he has the option of leaving and buying a clean home (which I can garuntee he won't keep clean as he hasn't even wiped down the bathroom in 2 years and didn't know what toilet bleach was for).

I think if he loved me he wouldn't make me chose.

[YourNewspaperIsShit]

Why does everyone else have to suffer except him. DD would be utterly distraught and we are both autistic (I'm lower on the spectrum, she's high functioning but still reacts badly to change)

[kali110]

Really don't blame you op! Upsets and disgusts me how animals are so easily discarded!
He was on board with the animal, he shouldn't be wanting to make it homeless again just because he doesn't now want to put the work in.
My dh wasn't too keen on one of ours at first but agreed because i was so excited.
I was happy to do all the work and upkeep, yet my dh helped with the cleaning every week.
Agree with another poster, sounds like this is not about the pets.
If you got rid of them would it then be something else?

[Blueskyrain]

I find it shocking how disposable pets seem to be, to some people on here. It's a commitment for life

You don't just give them up when they become inconvenient. How awful.

[BipBippadotta]

Same here, Bluesky. If the adults in a household jointly and voluntarily take on the responsibility of a dependent living creature, is it really OK to just chuck that life on the rubbish heap when one of them decides they can't be arsed with hoovering so much? Would it be OK to adopt a child, decide you're bored of all the noise and mess and school runs, and send it off to an overcrowded orphanage so you can get back to relaxing in your clean and tidy house? What are people like.

It's bizarre that people are saying the OP is putting her pets above her child's welfare, in potentially sending her DP packing and therefore limiting the time their child spends with its father. If she hadn't mentioned pets, and had just mentioned the rest of the situation - that her DP is a lazy shiftless man child who won't let anyone watch TV in case it interferes with his hours on the Playstation, won't look after his children, won't do any cleaning or cooking or general household maintenance, and yet expects to dictate how the house must be kept and who gets to live there, and threatens to take one of the children away if she doesn't do what he says - would people be so quick to tell her she absolutely mustn't split up with this gem of a man, because of the terrible effect his absence will have on the children?

[passingthrough1]

You ask him if he wants to leave all the time?

Well I think he's right, you do clearly put the pets ahead of him. Which I guess is ok if you don't really expect the relationship to last anyway ..

[AgentProvocateur]

I couldn't bear coming home from 12 hours at work to a home covered in hair and pee (and I have very low housekeeping standards) so I get where he's coming from. It does sound like you put the pets before him, and nothing you've said here suggests that there any love or affection in the relationship. What do you want, OP?

[Spring2016]

Have you heard of a Furminator OP? It sounds like something that you could use. Our son has a long haired cat, and it really helps the cat hair situation. Here is a youtube video of a husky dog being groomed with one, they have them for cats, and if you search youtube there are more videos.
Meanwhile, somebody has to take care of the litter boxes daily. I am not getting anymore animals due to my own health, much as I would love to.

[kali110]

BipBippadotta applause

[brambly]

Bloody well said BipBippadotta.

[tootyflooty]

as he is working long hours, I would say that you should take main responsibility for the pets. We have cats and an indoor Rabbit and guniea pig, my dh agreed to have them, and is quietly quite fond of the cats, but only agreed because it meant so much to me and the Dc, he would gladly do without, as he sees them as pointless, but he will feed them and fuss them , but I do all litter tray and cage cleaning, and general pet maintenance. I think you should acknowledge that they mean more to you than they do to him, and agree to take more ownership for their care, however ,what he said was also very harsh, I think you need to sit down together and have a proper chat about what the real issue may be.