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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not have given a lift?

84 replies

Rosycheeksforthisone · 04/09/2016 00:37

I had a massive falling out with a family member last week, he verbally abused me and my husband and threatened my husband.

2 relatives of the nasty family member were attending a party tonight and asked for a lift, I agreed days ago, however tonight they text to say could I head down to collect them and that there would be an extra person to give a lift to, I asked who and they said 'don't worry we will walk' I figured they had relative with them and offered to collect them on there own, and I couldn't collect relative after their behaviour and not an apology.

They refused to leave him and have had to walk in the rain. I feel awful 🙁

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 04/09/2016 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YellowDinosaur · 04/09/2016 00:42

Why do you feel awful? Their choice to walk in the rain, not yours.

No bloody way would I be doing a favour for someone who had abused me and my husband without an apology

EttaJ · 04/09/2016 00:43

No YANBU. They were BU and it was their fault they chose to walk. Sounds like even through they knew what happened, they weren't going to tell you who the extra person was until you asked ,which would have been really awkward and unpleasant for you.

Original poster
Rosycheeksforthisone · 04/09/2016 00:45

I usually would have said sure that's fine and just turned up, but at 24 weeks pregnant I'm emotional and hormonal enough without seeing him after last weeks abuse.

The people who I was offering a lift was my parents, my dad actually told my mum he'd sorted it with me earlier, when he had not so they were just expecting me to put it all behind me when I arrived and give him a lift, feeling a bit annoyed actually.

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 04/09/2016 00:54

YA totally NBU.

Your parents are grown adults and old enough to understand that if they want to go out for the evening with someone who has verbally abused you and threatened your husband, then they're going to have to make alternative arrangements for a lift. Their choice.

Original poster
Rosycheeksforthisone · 04/09/2016 00:59

Thank you all, I feel so much better - I suffer from the worst guilt over silly things.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 04/09/2016 01:00

Yanbu. And don't feel bad either!

allsfairinlove · 04/09/2016 01:01

Gosh this sounds a bit complicated.

How do your parents feel about this relative having threatened you and your DH? Aren't they furious with him?

Arfarfanarf · 04/09/2016 01:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Rosycheeksforthisone · 04/09/2016 01:04

He is their son, my brother.

He lives with them so they won't speak to him about his actions... It's causing a bit of a rift as it is, and I didn't want to complicate matters further so I was going to get them all and be the better person but my husband said no way!

OP posts:
Piscivorus · 04/09/2016 01:06

Your husband is right. If your brother has been abusive and threatening then he should not expect you to overlook it and your parents need to face up to the fact that he is a rude dickhead

allsfairinlove · 04/09/2016 01:11

Why on earth wouldn't they want to confront him, especially since he lives with them? Are they scared of him or something?

Original poster
Rosycheeksforthisone · 04/09/2016 01:14

He's just nasty to everyone who confronts him, my dad can be quite scary so I'm unsure why he's not but I think he just ignores things for an easier life.

My brother has hit my sister and mum before and nothing has ever been done. After this I've told them we will no longer be going round with the children and that if they want to see them they'll have to come to us but they don't.

OP posts:
allsfairinlove · 04/09/2016 01:19

Bloody hell OP this all sounds pretty bad.

How old is your brother?

Original poster
Rosycheeksforthisone · 04/09/2016 01:21

He's 20.

It's all such a mess really, he's just so selfish - he even conned all his friends a few weeks ago telling them since March he'd booked and paid for a lads holiday and then it transpired that he blew all the money.

OP posts:
diddl · 04/09/2016 01:55

It sounds as if you didn't even refuse the lift-they changed their minds.

I can't think why you feel bad about that at all.

Were you supposed to be going with them?

If not, why were you even involved in getting them there?
(Especially if it was walkable!)

TheMaddHugger · 04/09/2016 02:05

Mega soft ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))). none of this is your fault, None Nada NOPE

Original poster
Rosycheeksforthisone · 04/09/2016 02:14

I wasn't going to this event, they just wanted a lift home to save walking at 12am, it's a 50 minute walk so not ideal but they said they were not leaving him.

OP posts:
diddl · 04/09/2016 02:57

I wouldn't dream of turning out at midnight to fetch adults who could have driven themselves or got a taxi!

Hariasa · 04/09/2016 03:13

Erm, they called their pregnant daughter to come out to get them at midnight Shock and tried to con her into give a lift to her physically abusive brother?

Fucking hell.

allsfairinlove · 04/09/2016 03:34

Jesus it gets worse.

Hariasa puts it well.

Original poster
Rosycheeksforthisone · 04/09/2016 08:57

Thank you for the replies, glad I posted as I would be feeling even worse this morning - woke this morning to 'wish I had known, I'd of booked a taxi'

Constant guilt trip in this family.

OP posts:
AlpacaLypse · 04/09/2016 08:59

Strikes me that your brother has learnt selfishness off your dad. Your poor mum!

ConvincingLiar · 04/09/2016 09:03

My parents do tonnes for me, always have. They wouldn't dream of asking for a lift in unsociable hours unless I was already going that way.

It sounds like your family is pretty dysfunctional. You aren't obliged to go out late at night to save them a walk. You certainly aren't obliged to spend time with your abusive brother. See your parents on neutral ground.

Birdsgottafly · 04/09/2016 09:13

Your Parents are doing your Brother, no favours, he's either going to end up in Prison, or getting done in. Have they paid off the people who he's robbed?

They're letting all of their children down.

Break free of this, your doing the best for your children by making them take action or be distanced from you/your children.

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