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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not have given a lift?

84 replies

Rosycheeksforthisone · 04/09/2016 00:37

I had a massive falling out with a family member last week, he verbally abused me and my husband and threatened my husband.

2 relatives of the nasty family member were attending a party tonight and asked for a lift, I agreed days ago, however tonight they text to say could I head down to collect them and that there would be an extra person to give a lift to, I asked who and they said 'don't worry we will walk' I figured they had relative with them and offered to collect them on there own, and I couldn't collect relative after their behaviour and not an apology.

They refused to leave him and have had to walk in the rain. I feel awful 🙁

OP posts:
diddl · 04/09/2016 09:19

If they had any decency they wouldn't have asked in the first place, let alone even consider that you might have given your brother a lift.

BalloonSlayer · 04/09/2016 09:47

I'd reply with "What do you mean you wish you had known? You knew how he had behaved to us, you knew he hadn't apologised, why didn't you "know" I wouldn't be driving him anywhere?"

PGPsabitch · 04/09/2016 09:55

What do they wish they'd known?

Your parents are clearly placing your brother over everyone else. If they see no wrong in their son hitting his mum and sister, in him threatening and verbally abusing his other pregnant sister and her family then there is no hope for them or him.

All you can do is protect your family and keep then far away. If you send anything back, which I probably wouldn't I would just ignore, it would be: I wish I'd realised you were trying to guilt and manipulate me into giving a lift to soneone who threatened and abused my family. Now I do I know where I stand. Obviously we not as valued as brother.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 04/09/2016 10:03

Your parents sound as if they want to pretend everything is fine and back to whatever passes for normal, after each of these unpleasant incidents is over. At some point someone has got to make a stand and it sounds as if you have. You and your husband are perfectly correct. Be dignified and rise above it if you can, but don't cave in. No one deserves to be subjected to this sort of bullying and emotional blackmail.
You are pregnant, too, and there is no way this should be happening to you. Stay strong.

Original poster
Rosycheeksforthisone · 04/09/2016 10:05

I replied saying after last night it was clear to see that they thought brothers actions were not a problem, and that if they wanted to see the children they could come to us as we didn't want the children around him anymore.

Mum just replied saying ' you can't avoid our house or brother forever'

OP posts:
DelicatePreciousThing1 · 04/09/2016 10:06

Is your brother the youngest? Is he the only son? These things might also be giving him the power to behave as he does. He knows your parents will put up with it and "forgive" his bullying each time it happens. He enjoys the control. And he has certainly got issues of his own but you are not responsible for that. You have done nothing wrong, OP.

Original poster
Rosycheeksforthisone · 04/09/2016 10:11

He's the middle out of 5, I'm the eldest.

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 04/09/2016 10:13

Sorry, OP, but your parents sound like bullying fuckers that place their precious son's status above you and your sister, simply because he has a dick. You have a family, that's your DH and kids. Put them first.

PGPsabitch · 04/09/2016 10:15

Can you not avoid them op? Do you rely on them for childcare or anything? I'd make other arrangements otherwise and just ignore your parents.

That reply only emphasises that they believe you will do what they want and you have no choice. To protect yourself and family you do whatever you have to.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/09/2016 10:16

Jesus. I think I would move town or something. Your brother sounds like very bad news. Get your own family away from this dysfunctional mess.

PGPsabitch · 04/09/2016 10:17

Quite honestly I'd say that to protect your family then yes you can and will be avoiding them. Then I'd block them.

Oh and be prepared for them to use your sister and other relatives to change your mind.

Original poster
Rosycheeksforthisone · 04/09/2016 10:18

Yes, I'm going to.

This is just a nail in the coffin really, last time I was pregnant at 36 weeks, my mum pretended to be mugged in London and miss her flights so they tried to guilt me into giving them the money for the missed flights.

My dad lied about money to get us to give him money on plenty of occasions, such as he was going to go to prison for a fine which we later found out he wasn't.

My parents went away and left said brother and younger siblings with no money for the electricity meter or food and I had to sell their TV for them 😳

There was a family argument and my mum pushed herself into my husband and told the whole family he'd hit her, luckily my sister had seen and set the record straight.

Time to move on, still it hurts though!

OP posts:
user1470041360 · 04/09/2016 10:23

A lot of people have misplaced loyalty to family members as it seems to be the right thing to do. Fuck that. Get these people out of your life and concentrate on the family you have made.

JudyCoolibar · 04/09/2016 10:24

Good grief, why are you having anything whatsoever to do with these people? I'd have gone no contact long ago.

WatchingFromTheWings · 04/09/2016 10:24

Yeah I'd definitely be going NC with parents and brother, especially after what you've said in your last post. I'd be concerned there may be no witness present next time there is an incident.

PGPsabitch · 04/09/2016 10:27

Sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree then! Somehow you managed to be different Rosy but your brother and patents sound very alike.

If your mother can lie like that and accuse your husband then I'd be all the more wary having yourself and your family around her.

They all sound manipulative and abusive.

Arfarfanarf · 04/09/2016 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Happyinthehazeofadrunkenhour · 04/09/2016 10:29

Oh my god. Toxic is the word! They all sound bonkers. Distance yourself and move on. I've got nutters in my family my sister who I've given chance after chance, the final straw came a couple of months ago and since I made a nc contact decision I've not looked back. Put yourself and your immediate family first. Life is too short for shit like this. You may give them chances but if you're anything like me you'll always be wondering when its all going to kick off again. Good luck. Flowers

Arfarfanarf · 04/09/2016 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 04/09/2016 10:30

OP:
The more you write, the worse it sounds. You can choose your friends but not your family, as they say. The behaviour you describe sounds totally unacceptable so I would think carefully about whether this putting up with all sorts of bad behaviour from them, is worth it. You are allowed to decide not to see people who cause you such distress. After all, you would avoid people outside the family who would behave like they have done. It's a no-brainer.

LagunaBubbles · 04/09/2016 10:30

Poor you OP. Of course it still hurts but you need to do what's best for you now.

2kids2dogsnosense · 04/09/2016 10:34

If he's diddled his mates out of the cost of a holiday, he could be living on borrowed time!

You did the right thing - he ought not to be getting away with this dreadful behaviour. As long as your parents, and others, indulge him, he'll continue to act like a git.

2kids2dogsnosense · 04/09/2016 10:36

Mum just replied saying ' you can't avoid our house or brother forever'

I would be tempted to send one back - "Challenge accepted". Grin

TaterTots · 04/09/2016 10:36

If you haven't replied to the text saying 'You can't avoid our house or your brother forever' yet, I'd be tempted to reply 'Can't I? Just watch me.' Then go very, very quiet if they try to get in touch.

TaterTots · 04/09/2016 10:37

Jinx!