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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy MIL bought DS gift?

112 replies

LetMeBe · 30/07/2016 20:08

Ive had my ups and downs with my MIL but nothing too serious and overall our relationship is pleasant. Her intentions are always meant well, even though she always gets carried away with them which most of the time is where we have our conflict.

i'll try and keep it brief, my DS is 4 and recently spent a couple of days with MIL and whilst with her he saw some boys on their bikes and said that he does not have one.
My MIL and DS have an amazing relationship he's the first grandchild and the connection they have to be honest is nowhere near how it is with other GC.
Other day MIL told my DS she had a surprise gift for him and after much guessing she told him it was a bike. She would give him the bike next time she visits us and then would keep it at hers for when he visits.
MIL then explained she had heard him say he didn't have one and couldn't resist buying him one. DS is over the moon and has mentioned many times he's waiting to see the bike.
Now this is where I would like to know AIBU...myself and DH had planned to buy my DS a bike for his 5th Birthday in a few months, we have been looking so forward to seeing DS's face when we give it him and DH being able to teach him. Ive been looking online at best ones to get in preparation for his big day. DH and I both feel like MIL has taken this away from us and gone off and bought this bike without even consulting us first. if she had, our suggestion would have been to still buy one for his birthday and go halves. We feel for any expensive presents it not acceptable to buy with out speaking to us first as this has now ruined us getting him one for his birthday.
I totally understand she meant well, but feel she's got excited and carried away. Now trying to think of best way forward, I feel like saying please just return it as my DH doesn't even like the type of bike she has purchased and not one we would have chosen at all. And then to say heres your gift but you can only use it at MIL house, where he visits probably every 5-6 months.
It was the perfect idea for his birthday present and now stuck as to what to get him, DH said to still buy one anyway.

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
PeekAtChu · 30/07/2016 20:10

If MIL is keeping the bike at hers I'd still get one for his birthday for your house.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 30/07/2016 20:10

Not much you can do now...

Bit tight for her to buy him a bike just for her house though.

Original poster
LetMeBe · 30/07/2016 20:10

sorry meant we are not happy at having to tell DS you can only use at MIL house as you can't get him all excited and then kind of take it away till next time which won't be for a few months.

OP posts:
ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 30/07/2016 20:11

Get him a bike for your house. The novelty of the one your MIL bought him will have worn off by then and he will be just excited to get one from you.

Your MIL sounds lovely.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 30/07/2016 20:12

Yes, still get him a bike.

The MiL's one isn't actually his, is it? The one from you will be.

RubbleBubble00 · 30/07/2016 20:14

Give it a little space then ask her nicely if she's going to make any large purchases for ds could she just run it past u and dh

NeedACleverNN · 30/07/2016 20:15

Yes just buy him a bike for your house and still teach him.

He still gets this lovely bike and your visions of you teaching him. It's just when he goes round his nans house he has a bike there too

primarynoodle · 30/07/2016 20:15

I think yanbu

My mil is like this - totally oversteps the mark, and although it seems what she is doing is nice it is actually quite controlling and often robs us of situations that as parents we should have (or at least have the choice to not have)

Unfortunately the damage has been done here, but I Would get dh to have strong words so it doesn't happen again

That1950sMum · 30/07/2016 20:16

I can see why you're disappointed but she sounds like a wonderful Granny.

Your DH can still teach him how to ride it.

AThousandTears · 30/07/2016 20:16

YANBU - I'd be disappointed too. We nearly ended up in this exact situation before Xmas. It was only by chance that MIL happened to say something about needing FIL to go with her (she doesn't drive) that I found out she was going to buy one. I had the chance to tell her that DS' main gift from us was his first proper bike so she didn't get it.

But it has happened now and as your DS knows about it there is nothing you can do.
I'd still buy him one anyway as he'll not get much use out of MIL's. He'll still love your gift because he can ride it whenever he wants!
This also doesn't take away the memories he will make learning to ride with his Dad.

Original poster
LetMeBe · 30/07/2016 20:16

Yes she is lovely, but sometimes needs reminding to calm down. She lives alone and often tries to be too involved in our lives so DH has to often have long conversations that his our priorities are different now. We do involve her in family events etc but then she can't help herself and I end up getting annoyed.
What I'm more upset about is DS would have already got excited over this one, not going to be the same as his birthday is it?

OP posts:
fabulous01 · 30/07/2016 20:20

I can understand with this. Yes she is excited etc but she needs to speak to you about presents particularly as it may have been the wrong one.
You are going to have to speak to her and possibly rethink present.

hownottofuckup · 30/07/2016 20:21

I don't think it's the big deal you are imagining it to be.
He knows the present is coming, he will get all the excitement of seeing it then all the joy of using it when visiting MIL.
When he gets a bike from you for his birthday, he will have all the excitement and joy of having his first proper bike with ready access.
Whether you and DH like the bike MIL has purchased is neither here nor there unless it's dangerous.
Honestly, just be pleased your little boy is so lucky and loved to have 2 and how much joy he will get from that.

Floralnomad · 30/07/2016 20:22

Just carry on and get him one for your house as planned ,honestly can't see what the problem is .

giantcar · 30/07/2016 20:23

I think yabu.

She meant well. How was she supposed to know you planned to give one?

Just buy him another present! Or use that money on a family outing.

hownottofuckup · 30/07/2016 20:23

Having a bike at GP's and having your own bike at home really isn't comparable. Honestly.

Ameliablue · 30/07/2016 20:23

I think if this one is kept at mil's he will still get excited over one from you for his birthday, particularly as you probably know his likes and dislikes better so you can use that to make sure he likes yours better or accessorise it appropriately.

Griphook · 30/07/2016 20:26

I get you feel disappointed, but honestly just have a word with her later.
The bikes will stay at mil and his bike from you will stay with you.
He's lucky he has people who are generous with their love, time and money.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 30/07/2016 20:27

Please don't create a big deal out of this, it really isn't worth it.

My Dad went to his grave with a family feud over a 'first' bike.

My parents bought it for my sisters eldest for Christmas, when they mentioned it my SIL wouldn't let them give it to him and went absolutely batshit over it.

I 'get' they wanted to buy it as a 'first' but my parents just thought they were doing a nice thing and saving my sister & her DH some money. My parents even offered to give it to my sister to give to their DS, but even that wasn't acceptable to her/her DH.

The one they bought was almost identical.

The bike sat there in the box, a short while later my Dad died (very unexpectedly) and eventually it was given to the younger one.

It upset my Dad so much.

Really, it's just a bike, so many other firsts and he'll love his bike you buy him every bit as much.

CoolCarrie · 30/07/2016 20:34

Go ahead and get your ds a bike to ride at his own house. As you say the bike at mil will only be used when ds is visiting her, so he can get the hang of riding it with you & dh at his own pace. He is a lucky wee boy, just wish my mil would get ds gifts unrelated to the bible! Thats what she always buys. No problem with moral guidance, but not putting the fear of god into my ds.

giantcar · 30/07/2016 20:36

My DS doesn't like his bike, and prefers his scooter. You might find your DS doesn't like his either!

MammouthTask · 30/07/2016 20:38

I can't see the issue TBH.
Your issue here is that you wanted to be the one to give him a bike and you feel like your pleasure has been taken away from you.
In the eyes of your ds, iot's the same. Someone has given him a bike and he is over the moon. I would just be happy for him.

As for whether to buy him another bike, it depends on how often he can be at your MIL to use the bike and how often he is likely to use at it home.
Nothing is stopping you from buying a bike for home (even if it won';t have the same impact and wow factor)

neonrainbow · 30/07/2016 20:43

You sound really bloody ungrateful. She didn't do this on purpose.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine · 30/07/2016 20:45

It would be very very rude to tell her to return it as your DH doesn't like it.

It's a gift, be thankful he has a loving granny that wants to make him happy. Preciousness over pointless firsts just causes upset and rifts.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 30/07/2016 20:49

Honestly it's a first bike, he will grow out of it quickly and then you can get whatever model you prefer. Really at that age the type makes little difference. Yes it's massively annoying but think of it as a gift horse for you as you no longer need to spend the money and really get over it.. He won't care/remember who it's from just be excited with him that he has a bike and create memories teaching him to ride it..

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