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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy MIL bought DS gift?

112 replies

LetMeBe · 30/07/2016 20:08

Ive had my ups and downs with my MIL but nothing too serious and overall our relationship is pleasant. Her intentions are always meant well, even though she always gets carried away with them which most of the time is where we have our conflict.

i'll try and keep it brief, my DS is 4 and recently spent a couple of days with MIL and whilst with her he saw some boys on their bikes and said that he does not have one.
My MIL and DS have an amazing relationship he's the first grandchild and the connection they have to be honest is nowhere near how it is with other GC.
Other day MIL told my DS she had a surprise gift for him and after much guessing she told him it was a bike. She would give him the bike next time she visits us and then would keep it at hers for when he visits.
MIL then explained she had heard him say he didn't have one and couldn't resist buying him one. DS is over the moon and has mentioned many times he's waiting to see the bike.
Now this is where I would like to know AIBU...myself and DH had planned to buy my DS a bike for his 5th Birthday in a few months, we have been looking so forward to seeing DS's face when we give it him and DH being able to teach him. Ive been looking online at best ones to get in preparation for his big day. DH and I both feel like MIL has taken this away from us and gone off and bought this bike without even consulting us first. if she had, our suggestion would have been to still buy one for his birthday and go halves. We feel for any expensive presents it not acceptable to buy with out speaking to us first as this has now ruined us getting him one for his birthday.
I totally understand she meant well, but feel she's got excited and carried away. Now trying to think of best way forward, I feel like saying please just return it as my DH doesn't even like the type of bike she has purchased and not one we would have chosen at all. And then to say heres your gift but you can only use it at MIL house, where he visits probably every 5-6 months.
It was the perfect idea for his birthday present and now stuck as to what to get him, DH said to still buy one anyway.

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 30/07/2016 22:32

I think yabu. It's a present your ds will love and his grandma will get great pleasure from giving it to him.

I second others saying he won't remember who bought his first bike. I can't remember any of those things from my childhood though I was always happy to receive them.

Blu · 30/07/2016 22:37

Say it might be best to keep the bike that she has bought at her house...from the outset. That it would be upsetting and confusing for DS to see the bike at home and then have her keep it at her house. So why doesn't she leave it where it is and let it be his special bike for her house.

As you say he only visits there every 5-6 months, delay his next visit until after you have given him the bike for your house for his birthday!

youarenotkiddingme · 30/07/2016 22:39

a 4 1/2 yo likes the idea of having a bike, doesn't have one and his nan bought him one.

Lucky boy!

I don't get this things of firsts. My mum and dad have DS lots of his first things or taken him to first things. I just think yay - cheaper for me and yay - I get to do lots of other stuff with him that's less painful on the wallet!

For example they buy a bike, I bought an annual pass for DS and I instead. Both different, both given us hours and days of fun. Does DS even care who bought it? No! Kids like memories of being loved and cherished - they shouldn't have memories based on who spent what and when.

Mycraneisfixed · 30/07/2016 22:41

Just get him a bike now not in a few months. You can take him out on it during our all too short summer.
Stop making such a drama and get on with it.

chattygranny · 30/07/2016 22:52

As a Nana I see both sides. It sounds like you and MIL are both kind caring people so I agree with others who have suggested a compromise. I have had similar situations and try terribly hard not to get over excited. Now I'm worrying about a little rucksack of travel amusements I've prepared for my grandchild to go on holiday with (as a surprise) in case this backfires and my DIL thinks its controlling. They're borrowing our car and I was going to leave it on the booster seat. Sorry not meaning to hijack thread just worrying.

myownprivateidaho · 30/07/2016 22:58

I don't think you should get him a second bike, that would be madness and a complete waste. I get that you're disappointed, but I'm sure you'll be able to think of another lovely present to get him over the next few months, and you'll still be able to teach him to ride the bike and watch him enjoy it. Children don't think about who buys their stuff.

Was1969 · 30/07/2016 23:10

My MIL used to be and to some extent is like your. She buys gifts with very good intention but it always feels like her gift has to be the biggest and the best. It's hard not to sound ungrateful because I know it is done out of pure love and kindness but it can grate on me.

CurlyMoo · 30/07/2016 23:23

Sorry but I don't really see the issue here. It will be at his DGM's, he'll be excited at his new bike at your house. This isn't 1960 OP, your ds clearly gets a lot of toys etc so I doubt the anticipation/excitement is going to last very long about "first" anythings. The "firsts" are more for the parents rather than the children nowadays (and the fact that your dh said he didn't like the bike confirms this)

Anyway here's one to beat...I was planning to get ds a first bike for his birthday in the autumn, had picked out one I thought he would love. Last week a friend of mine dropped in an old bike she was going to dump (rusted, brakes not working) on the off chance that it might do someone. Well to say ds was over the moon with it was an understatementGrin He rode on it all weekend (didn't even need to be taught) and announced that it was the bestest bike ever in the whole wide world. Three days later he said he didn't like bikes anymore and wanted an electric scooter...

Kallyno · 30/07/2016 23:24

Avoid falling into the pattern of micromanaging other people's relationships with your son. She has bought him a bike but fortunately she plans to keep it at hers leaving the path clear for you and your husband to delight him with a bike for home on his birthday.

Don't tell her to run purchases past you unless she is buying him something that runs contrary to reasonable parenting principles (drugs, expensive electronics, tons of lollies, etc.).

He will love a bike for his birthday - possibly even more for having one at his grandmother's house that doesn't come home. Perhaps just give mil the heads up that you intend to get him for his birthday also so it would be great if that one defo stays with her so as not to spoil your surprise.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 30/07/2016 23:24

monkeyPJ's. God alone knows. I know this sounds awful, but I can only hope she felt at least a fraction of the pain my Dad felt when she saw the bike box at my parents after my Dad died and I hope she thought about it every damn time her other children rode it. There were lots of other things her & her DH did that hurt my very lovely, kind, thoughtful Dad a lot in the 2 years before he died. I can't forgive them.

Kallyno · 30/07/2016 23:27

Hey chattygranny, that sounds adorable :) What a lucky grandchild you have!

Sellingyesterdaysnews · 31/07/2016 00:14

YABU and a bit ungrateful. This is all about control, and I don't think you like mil having any, but you have to think instead, what is in your ds interests?

Yes you are the parents, but still, she is grandmother and I think you are being unfair and a bit controlling.

giantcar · 31/07/2016 00:49

I don't understand how mil has overstepped the mark by buying the grandchild a gift?

During my pregnancy my MiL wanted to buy us one of those large expensive cots. I didn't want to spend a lot on it, as I wasn't sure if DS would sleep in, so wasn't keen, so said we'll look for it later. Now I wish I had just let her buy it, even though DS didn't sleep it in a cot at all, because I think it would've made a feel like she was part of DS's life, and had made a big contribution

maninawomansworld01 · 31/07/2016 01:17

Large purchases (either physically large or large = expensive) need consultation with parents first - end of!

let it slide this time but have a firm word about what you expect in future.
We soon learned with my IL's to be very clear and firm. They were sooooo kind when the twins were babies, buying loads of really useful baby things but it continued over the next couple of years In to crappy plastic toys and other junk (which always broke or got 'lost', there was the occasional larger gift and the tin hat was a fucking huge trampoline!

I refused to even let them unload it when they brought it round unannounced . I just told them to take it back and don't dare buy anything like that again without talking to me first. I was much ruder and more pissed off than I should have been and did apologise afterwards (I had just had the day from hell) , but getting my hair off did work. All the junk and unsolicited gifts stopped overnight. They are still very generous and enjoy a great relationship with their grandchildren but gifts are agreed beforehand.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 31/07/2016 02:10

YANBU! My own DM just did this on Friday. A much smaller thing but still really annoying. I watched my son adore and play with a toy all day that I'd specifically told her not to buy as I was buying it for him. Of course my DM has a history of this sort of thing and maybe your MIL really is trying to be nice here. I'd tell her you'd planned to buy him the bike and thank you but could she please check with you before buying big presents in the future. I'll be telling my DM to run every single present by me before buying, not that she'll listen...

VioletBam · 31/07/2016 02:46

For me it's the "to use at my house" bit. It's disgusting.

I am giving you a bike but only I can have the pleasure of seeing you use it.

Fucking weird.

Janecc · 31/07/2016 03:02

Exactly Violet, which is what I said upthread. This isn't a present if there are strings attached. End of.

RosieSW · 31/07/2016 04:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MonkeyPJs · 31/07/2016 04:32

RosieSW the only way I can think of a bike being only appropriate for boys is that you somehow need to use your boy bits to steer it

xinchao · 31/07/2016 05:25

Grandmother buys grandson a bicycle to use when he visits her house.

This is not a real problem.

squoosh · 31/07/2016 05:34

sometimes needs reminding to calm down. She lives alone and often tries to be too involved in our lives so DH has to often have long conversations that his our priorities are different now

OP you sound quite cold to be honest. As though your MIL is an irritant who needs to 'know her place'. She's bought your son a bike, that's a nice thing. No need for this over the top reaction.

squoosh · 31/07/2016 05:36

Also the bike is very boyish and not all GC are boys, so not much thought put in there

Hmm

You're determined to be pissed off aren't you?

Sellingyesterdaysnews · 31/07/2016 06:32

Yes this thread is pretty horrible really.

The reason for it being kept at her house will be so that his parents can get the one for at home. How thoughtful of her.

MrEBear · 31/07/2016 06:42

You mentioned that she plans to give it to him the next time SHE visits. Does that mean she will arrive at your house with a bike, get him all excited, then take it away again, leaving you with a disappointed child? Who is then "when can we go to Grans?"

I think it is manipulative to give something then take it away again or not really give it in the first place. My ILs have tired it with smaller toys. DS was collecting Disney Cars my MiL tried to buy ones he didn't already have to "keep at grannies", one turned out to be a duplicate he already had, the other, I ended up buying a duplicate just to end the disappointment.
Unless GPs are baby sitting regularly (once a week) I see little point in them having bundles of toys in their houses. Going to visit my DS like to cart with him his toy of the moment. My normal rule is whatever he takes must fit in "a bag" meaning his smallish backpack. But its not the first time he's filled a hessian Tesco shopping bag "mummy I've filled 'a bag'"

I think you should insist that the bike stays at grannys, ie waits until you visit and make it clear the bike is for him and cousin to share. It is not his bike, it is Grans bike for them to share.

He can still get his OWN bike for his birthday.

MitzyLeFrouf · 31/07/2016 07:00

You mentioned that she plans to give it to him the next time SHE visits.

I've read all the Op's posts. She doesn't mention this at all. It's implied the bike will be at her house for when her grandson visits.

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