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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy MIL bought DS gift?

112 replies

LetMeBe · 30/07/2016 20:08

Ive had my ups and downs with my MIL but nothing too serious and overall our relationship is pleasant. Her intentions are always meant well, even though she always gets carried away with them which most of the time is where we have our conflict.

i'll try and keep it brief, my DS is 4 and recently spent a couple of days with MIL and whilst with her he saw some boys on their bikes and said that he does not have one.
My MIL and DS have an amazing relationship he's the first grandchild and the connection they have to be honest is nowhere near how it is with other GC.
Other day MIL told my DS she had a surprise gift for him and after much guessing she told him it was a bike. She would give him the bike next time she visits us and then would keep it at hers for when he visits.
MIL then explained she had heard him say he didn't have one and couldn't resist buying him one. DS is over the moon and has mentioned many times he's waiting to see the bike.
Now this is where I would like to know AIBU...myself and DH had planned to buy my DS a bike for his 5th Birthday in a few months, we have been looking so forward to seeing DS's face when we give it him and DH being able to teach him. Ive been looking online at best ones to get in preparation for his big day. DH and I both feel like MIL has taken this away from us and gone off and bought this bike without even consulting us first. if she had, our suggestion would have been to still buy one for his birthday and go halves. We feel for any expensive presents it not acceptable to buy with out speaking to us first as this has now ruined us getting him one for his birthday.
I totally understand she meant well, but feel she's got excited and carried away. Now trying to think of best way forward, I feel like saying please just return it as my DH doesn't even like the type of bike she has purchased and not one we would have chosen at all. And then to say heres your gift but you can only use it at MIL house, where he visits probably every 5-6 months.
It was the perfect idea for his birthday present and now stuck as to what to get him, DH said to still buy one anyway.

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
MitzyLeFrouf · 31/07/2016 07:01

'I feel like saying please just return it as my DH doesn't even like the type of bike she has purchased'

Is your husband not capable of discussing this with his own mother? Weird.

MrEBear · 31/07/2016 07:06

Mitzy, read first post, 3rd paragraph. She intends to give it the next time she visits and then keep it at her house.

I am fairly new to mumsnet and don't know how to quote.

MrEBear · 31/07/2016 07:09

Mitzy I have copied & pasted
She would give him the bike next time she visits us and then would keep it at hers for when he visits.

Crusoe · 31/07/2016 07:10

My DS has 2 bikes, 1 at his grand parents and 1 at home. He loves both, uses both no problems.
I think you are making an issue where there really isn't one.

cexuwaleozbu · 31/07/2016 07:13

The bike your MIL is getting isn't a gift for your child, it is a purchase for herself. A genuine gift doesn't come with restrictions about where it is to be used and kept. Your child is not going to remember who gave him which gift and will need many bikes over the next few years as he grows. He is not going to be particularly attached to the one kept at grandma's house.

Don't fret about this. Buy the bike you planned to when it is his birthday - he will still be just as delighted.

MitzyLeFrouf · 31/07/2016 07:14

Okay fair enough so 'She would give him the bike next time she visits us and then would keep it at hers for when he visits.'

So you interpret this as 'manipulative to give something then take it away again or not really give it in the first place'

Bit hysterical don't you think? From everything the OP says she sounds like a loving grandparent, not one who would try to play games with a child. And from the OP's following posts it sounds very much like she keeps granny at arms length as much as possible.

MitzyLeFrouf · 31/07/2016 07:17

'I think you are making an issue where there really isn't one.'

Indeed.

MrEBear · 31/07/2016 07:20

Mitzy how would you feel if someone came round to your house with a gift for you say a new mug with your favourite thing on it and took it away again saying "you will get it the next time you see me".

Seriously you would never do that to an adult why do it to a young child?

Sooverthis · 31/07/2016 07:23

What a depressing thread poor mil can't do right

MitzyLeFrouf · 31/07/2016 07:28

Oh for God's sake. If the OP is so traumatised buy this terrible woman buying her kid a bike she could maybe, oooh I don't know, pick up the phone!, and say 'yo granny this is what I'm thinking about the bike situation'.....

But I'd wonder why the grandmother uses these tactics. If you re-read the OP's third post, well it doesn't sound like she's exactly warm and welcoming!

MitzyLeFrouf · 31/07/2016 07:30

'she is lovely, but sometimes needs reminding to calm down.'

How patronising is that?!

Roussette · 31/07/2016 07:31

Bloody hell...

Just some of the things said about this MIL and what she's done -

Manipulative
Fucking weird
Hidden agenda
Disgusting
High maintenance

How mean. This comes from a place of love and it's thoughtful. OP you say she is excitable. How lovely she gets excited to see her GS. You should be delighted she wants to be involved and she has put thought into this because she wants him to be able to cycle on a bike when he visits . Yet even the bike hasn't had enough thought put into it (too boyish). She can't win can she?

chattygranny sums it up in her post at 22.52. How sad that MILs feel they can't even do something thoughtful for their GC for fear of being thought of as one of the words in my post above. Give MILs a break for goodness sake. Would you rather they didn't care?

gamerchick · 31/07/2016 07:32

OP you sound quite cold to be honest. As though your MIL is an irritant who needs to 'know her place'. She's bought your son a bike, that's a nice thing. No need for this over the top reaction

God this absolutely ^^

If this is the sort of shit I have to look forward to I don't ever want to be a mil.

OP why don't you go out today and buy the kid a bike of firsts are that important. Then you can put mil firmly in her place without your husband having to give her one of his lengthy tellings offs you mentioned back there somewhere.

BikeRunSki · 31/07/2016 07:34

I think she's actually done you a favour. DS clearly wants a bike. He can have one at Grandma's - lovely - but boo, not at home where he is most of the time. She's planted the seed.

So you get him a bike at home! Wow mum, this is great!!! I can have a bike all the time!

BikeRunSki · 31/07/2016 07:37

I agree with pp who said get the bike now, so he's got the summer to use it. My DC both cycle a lot and both have Autumn birthdays - rubbish time to get a new bike! I kind of consider a bike a human right though...

Then get him a small Lego kit or something on his birthday - he won't care that it's not a big thing.

Roussette · 31/07/2016 07:37

If this is the sort of shit I have to look forward to I don't ever want to be a mil

This.

Yes MILs must be kept in their place. Don't get too excitable. Don't buy surprise presents ever. And going from previous threads of this ilk, don't do DILs ironing or offer to help because that's implied criticism. Stay in your place at arms length until we want you.

The world's gone mad.

toastedbeagle · 31/07/2016 07:45

My parents did the same, just randomly announced they'd bought my daughter a bike from a charity shop, 2 weeks before her 3rd birthday. We'd always planned to make a big thing of it and take her to choose etc, so was slightly annoying to put it mildly.

My mum has a track record of behaviour that is either controlling / well meaning but thoughtless (eg painting my hall stairs and landing in a colour she liked when she knew I'd picked another, then calling me ungrateful when I was less than thrilled!) .

Get your son another bike, and just grit your teeth and smile. When he loves riding it it will be handier to have another at MILs house. X

Twooter · 31/07/2016 07:50

I would just ask that your ds decides where the bike is kept.
My gut reaction would have been the same as yours,

Original poster
LetMeBe · 31/07/2016 07:50

What I've written is a small snippet of relationship with MIL hardly enough to judge me or MIL. Yes I could wrote so much more on here to help you all understand the dynamics of the relationship with DH and I and other sons, but could be here all day.
I have asked for genuine advice, we are all adults so please no need for nasty comments.
MIL is giving bike at our house when she visits, I might suggest not to do this to avoid disappointment to DS.
I came on here for advice as I am genuinely upset about this situation, and yes I do keep mother in law at arms length because everytime I make an effort to keep her involved, invite on days out, be part of special events for DS, call her for her input she will take it to the next level which then makes me feel like okay next time I won't let it get to that and keep it simple. That's a completely different subject.

OP posts:
Twooter · 31/07/2016 07:50

..But it would also have been irrational.

SugarPlumTree · 31/07/2016 07:55

As said above, if he loves his bike at Grandma's, a bike of his own at home will be a big deal.

I do remember my first bike, it was bought by my Grandparents and it came back with us from overseas after a visit there. It had a little wicker basket that attached to the handle bars for dolls and I loved it. Both Grandparents died when i was 7 but the dolls basket was a reminder of them and my DD had it attached to her first bike too.

My parents bought me lots of other 'firsts' but I remember my bike fondly as it was from my Grandparents . I would accept this graciously and be grateful that he has such a special bond with her - that is something special that money can't buy .

Roussette · 31/07/2016 07:59

There's not a lot anyone can say then is there OP if we don't know the full story.

I just hope that when/if I become a MIL/GP, I don't ever take it to the next level, whatever that might be. I have an excitable nature so I can see it happening. It's going to be a very difficult path to tread going by threads on here.

You are making a mountain out of a molehill. Be glad you have a caring involved grandparent and a special bond as sugar says. She must feel like she is treading on eggshells with you both having to rein her in.

RedHelenB · 31/07/2016 07:59

YABU about time he had a bike! Why wait till he's 5?

DownWithThisSortaThing · 31/07/2016 08:02

I would still get him a bike for his birthday, even if she gives him the one from her he will still be excited and you can explain, you've got a bike from us AND granny's got you one to keep at her house too! And maybe say to her 'next time we could go halves on big presents if you like' or just simply tell her in advance 'we are getting a bike for DS's birthday, but we think he would really like a xyz too if you need ideas for a present?' So she can still treat him to something exciting and she knows what you were intending to get him.

Please don't ask her to take it back, she obviously means well and thinks the world of him. That's only a good thing imo. You don't want to fall out with her over it.

CodyKing · 31/07/2016 08:20

You sound really bloody ungrateful. She didn't do this on purpose.

How can you accidentally buy a bike?

My GM had kids toys at her house they are there for the kids to play with and don't belong to anyone - she has scooters paints box games - all very much second hand and we'll loved most have been through 8 grandchildren and 12 great grandchildren. That's OK.

It is not OK to have GC1 toys and GC2 etc toys at her house - it's odd and excludes the other GC - MIL looking at you!

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