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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be happy MIL bought DS gift?

112 replies

LetMeBe · 30/07/2016 20:08

Ive had my ups and downs with my MIL but nothing too serious and overall our relationship is pleasant. Her intentions are always meant well, even though she always gets carried away with them which most of the time is where we have our conflict.

i'll try and keep it brief, my DS is 4 and recently spent a couple of days with MIL and whilst with her he saw some boys on their bikes and said that he does not have one.
My MIL and DS have an amazing relationship he's the first grandchild and the connection they have to be honest is nowhere near how it is with other GC.
Other day MIL told my DS she had a surprise gift for him and after much guessing she told him it was a bike. She would give him the bike next time she visits us and then would keep it at hers for when he visits.
MIL then explained she had heard him say he didn't have one and couldn't resist buying him one. DS is over the moon and has mentioned many times he's waiting to see the bike.
Now this is where I would like to know AIBU...myself and DH had planned to buy my DS a bike for his 5th Birthday in a few months, we have been looking so forward to seeing DS's face when we give it him and DH being able to teach him. Ive been looking online at best ones to get in preparation for his big day. DH and I both feel like MIL has taken this away from us and gone off and bought this bike without even consulting us first. if she had, our suggestion would have been to still buy one for his birthday and go halves. We feel for any expensive presents it not acceptable to buy with out speaking to us first as this has now ruined us getting him one for his birthday.
I totally understand she meant well, but feel she's got excited and carried away. Now trying to think of best way forward, I feel like saying please just return it as my DH doesn't even like the type of bike she has purchased and not one we would have chosen at all. And then to say heres your gift but you can only use it at MIL house, where he visits probably every 5-6 months.
It was the perfect idea for his birthday present and now stuck as to what to get him, DH said to still buy one anyway.

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:

KittensandKnitting · 30/07/2016 20:51

I think the OP sounds disappointed not ungrateful, it is a lovely gift but something the parents should have been asked about IMO buying a kids first bike is a big thing, I'd be upset too, I would think it was very generous (although a bit weird he will only get it at her house though as no other grandchildren who might use it on other visits) but I would be a bit upset.

Id still buy him a bike for his birthday, he will be thrilled to have one at home :) that he get to use all the time

Original poster

LetMeBe · 30/07/2016 20:57

Kittens you are totally right. I'm not being ungrateful. We are all different and I appreciate all your replies thank you.
I am upset and my son will remember who bought it him. MIL isn't controlling but knows what she is doing.
Myself & DH will speak to her before she visits to prevent further situations as ultimately she should have consulted us first.

OP posts:

squiggleirl · 30/07/2016 21:00

I think YABU. You say your DSs birthday is in a few months time. That isn't a great time to get a bike as a present. At that point you're getting into the winter and his opportunity to right his bike is less.

She bought him something she thought he'd love. She didn't know what you'd planned.

mrsfuzzy · 30/07/2016 21:06

she over stepped the mark a bit but it's hardly worth arguing over, a bike at dgs, a bike at home sounds good to me, but... will you be happy about him being out on the bike unless you are supervising ? that will be the next cause of angst, the novelty, ime, will soon wear of for him and he will move onto other things, kids being what they are.

Roussette · 30/07/2016 21:10

For god's sake... what a caring MIL you have. She is trying to treat her grandson, please let it go.

I DREAD being a MIL reading some of the threads on here. Can't do right for doing wrong

Roussette · 30/07/2016 21:12

Read exrahot's post. It's really not important in the big scheme of things.

My DC's are all young adults now and they wouldn't remember who got them their first bike, honestly.

Heidi42 · 30/07/2016 21:16

You sound a very difficult person to please ..... your poor mil

EveryoneElsesMumSaidYes · 30/07/2016 21:17

Letmebe I'm glad you've taken PP's advice as it doesn't appear that your MIL meant to hurt your feelings, I agree you need to speak to her about it but don't make it a big issue.
Please don't let this damage your relationship with your MIL. the bond between a child and GP is precious. I understand you are disapointed but in the long run it's really not as serious as you think it is and there will be times in the future when her support will be invaluable

EssexMummy1234 · 30/07/2016 21:19

Sounds like MIL got carried away, and the more she has enjoyed getting carried away in the past with gifts the more she will do it in the future -

however I am bit surprised that no-one else has picked up on "he's the first grandchild and the connection they have to be honest is nowhere near how it is with other GC" - how does she treat the other grandchildren? does she favour your DS?

Lovemylittlebears · 30/07/2016 21:23

I actually think that this is lovely and whilst disappointing for you - on the grand scheme of life is really not a big deal and you can work round it with some of the suggestions mentioned. Life is too short to get upset by things where people's intentions are good and loving. If there was malice in it or knowing what you were doing and trying to beat you to it that would be different but I would put my feelings aside on this one and either as if he can bring the bike home and explain, but one for birthday for home etc

Magicpaintbrush · 30/07/2016 21:33

YANBU. Although your MIL meant well she should have mentioned to you that she was thinking of getting something as extravagant as a bike, then you could have discussed it at least. It's a tricky one as you obviously don't want to fall out over this as she did do it to be nice, however if you don't mention that this was going to be your present to DS then there is a chance things like this may happen again. I'm not surprised you are disappointed.

Janecc · 30/07/2016 21:33

I am perplexed at the decision to buy a gift with the stipulation to keep at her house. A gift is given willingly with no strings attached. Therefore, it's less a gift for your DS, rather a bike available for him (or any future grandchild) to use when they visit. Maybe she didn't mean it this way but it becomes a sort of insurance policy that your child will want to visit her A LOT. And a potential deal breaker and tantrum maker. To make that into a present is wrong.

Just go ahead and buy the bike you want for your child if that is your choice. In 18 months time, both will be too small at any rate. If your mil gets upset, much as you love the gesture, you do not approve of her buying birthday gifts to keep exclusively at her house. The present belongs to your ds and it is he, in negotiation with his parents, who ultimately get to decide where his belongings are kept.

So you could also just pack it in the car, take it home and buy him the one you want in 12 months time. It really will make little difference to his biking skills. And if you wanted a balance bike for example, you could just remove the pedals.

Ds really won't remember or care who bought him his first bike when he's 20. Firsts can be overrated, honestly.

3luckystars · 30/07/2016 21:44

Get him a car, that will teach her.

Only messing! She sounds really lovely though, try not to be cross with her. Life is too short and your son is lucky to have so many people love him and really listen to him. Just get him the bike anyway for home and enjoy his birthday.

RosieSW · 30/07/2016 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MonkeyPJs · 30/07/2016 21:50

ExtraHotLatteToGo that's such a sad story. Was your sister sorry?

MonkeyPJs · 30/07/2016 21:54

Also, I do struggle with these sorts of threads - shouldn't there be a little more wiggle room and understanding when something is bought for or done by relatives from a genuine and unmitigated place of love for your DCs?

tararabumdeay · 30/07/2016 21:57

Our DS1's first bike was fifteen quid second hand. It was chosen because it was the perfect size for him to learn on. It didn't matter who paid for it or whether it was new - it was right for him. He was four and we lived on a mountain. It was small enough to put in the car every night so he was able to ride in a safe flat place.

Since then he has been bought both new and second hand bikes. Some have been perfect, some have not.

Another second hand one cost us two hundred pounds from a friend but was worth a thousand was probably the next most perfect though its cost was more than we could afford. That was not used in a safe, flat place.

DS2 wasn't interested in bikes because boards were his thing.

Both are now adroit with the skills they chose at a very young age.

It's the gift of the skill that matters.

Please get him something else this time. If he loves his first bike then there will be many other new bike birthdays.

I'd be asking MIL if she'd like to buy him his first new car!

Pooka · 30/07/2016 21:59

Best bikes for kids ever - Isla bikes. Really light, fantastic resale on eBay.

Know bit of a digression - but couldn't resist.

I think your mil is coming from a good place. You acknowledge that she gets carried away, but better her having good intentions than being unpleasant or not interested.

Missgraeme · 30/07/2016 22:01

So your mil has bought herself a little bike and your ds is going to ride it twice a year?? And he won't even like it!!Bet u can't wait to see his little face when he gets the one u buy for him!!

Ameliablue · 30/07/2016 22:07

I'd also say that kids probably won't remember their first bike. I know I don't but I do remember a bike I got for my 9th birthday.

Wolpertinger · 30/07/2016 22:08

Is it really a genuine place of love if the same isn't done for every other GC?

There is a lot of love but an undercurrent of manipulation - bike must be at MIL's house, well how will he learn to ride it then? There is both love but a lot of payoff for her too rather than complete genuine altruism - GS must go to hers, she gets the first, seems a bit of a high maintenance relationship already, not like relationship with her other children or GCs.

Just go ahead and buy your own bike - DS will be just as excited as it's a bike he gets to have at home and practice on all the time! And MIL will understand further than big purchases need to be run past you and being a grandparent is lovely and special but not actually the same as being a parent.

vdbfamily · 30/07/2016 22:16

I guess if he is first GC and there are more younger ones, the bike will probably be useful for all of them when they stay with grandma. I have never understood why people get upset when others buy them stuff. We always bought from ebay or charity shops as just could not afford everything new. If my parents ever bought stuff for us we were overjoyed, but then I am not very sentimental about things like first bikes etc. It is not something that will make any difference to your son, it will just be great not to have to take his bike with you when you visit the inlaws.

Original poster

LetMeBe · 30/07/2016 22:24

She does not favour DS more than others, the set up with the 2nd eldest GC is very different and MIL is not given opportunity to be involved as much as we do, will leave it at that to not be outed.
DH and I will speak to her in a loving way making clear to just do the courtesy of running by us first. She buys many presents for DS and we've totally fine with them but they are £15 ish pound. Considering a higher priced present is slightly different. I may suggest to not give to DS at our home as too confusing for him.

Thanks for bike suggestion will check it out!

OP posts:

Original poster

LetMeBe · 30/07/2016 22:28

Also the bike is very boyish and not all GC are boys, so not much thought put in there. I think she has more money than sense!

OP posts:

LadyStoicIsBack · 30/07/2016 22:30

I do really really understand where you're coming from OP, but...

Her life is not as full as yours; allow yourselves to allow her a few joys.

She will not be around forever; my DC have no Grannies/Nannies left & - for them - I would give my eye teeth to have those relationships back and now kinda rue the time I spent thinking along the lines you are (& I really did - not proud of it now I know the reality of the polar opposite of that problem/issue, but I really really did which is why I understand where you are coming from).

Buy him a bike yourself, he will explode with happiness when he unwraps it irrespective of his reactions to the one from MIL.

There is enough love - and enough space for love - to go around. As long as you let it; a lesson some of us do not learn until it is too late

Buy the bike and be happy she too has bought him a bike, as other PP have said the timing is optimum now from his POV for HER bike but if it is to be kept up there then I promise that the joy you will see from him when he unwraps the one from you will still be priceless.

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