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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he should reimburse me?

92 replies

RoyalBlue · 23/07/2016 22:34

ExH works like a dog, when we were together he was gone by 5am and home by 9pm most nights and would still do work.
It was the major reason we divorced.

He's a nice bloke, but trying to pin him down is practically impossible. We have 2 DD together, 10 and 8 and if he's going to show up, I get a phone call or a text a few hours before hand and then he whisks them away for the day, which they love but is honestly annoying. He does this at least once a month.

We've only been divorced for 2 years, so this is only our second summer.

Last summer the girls were in play schemes/camp and with grandparents and he took them out a handful of times, I assumed this summer was going to be the same but without any warning whatsoever, DH has taken 2 weeks off work. Shock This is the same man that went to work half dead with a cold, shivering all over the place.

I was delighted, asked for the dates so he could have more then just a day with his Daughters and surprise surprise he's booked them all a holiday without asking/informing me that clashes with camp and a play scheme

The Camps cost a little over £600 per child and the playsheme is £35 per child per day for 6 days, that's £420, all together that's cost me a little over £1600 Sad

I said that it was fine if they went but that he would have to reimburse me the money for the camps and playsheme that they would miss as it's too late to get a refund, he argued that I should take it out of the Child Maintenance he pays Angry

He pays £500 a month, £250 per child, that's all he financially contributes, it would take months of his CM payments to cover the loss!

AIBU to think he should reimburse me? And if I'm not how do I get him to do it?!

OP posts:
SixtiesChildOfWildBlueSkies · 23/07/2016 22:38

Never mind him reimbursing you....
Did you book the camps first? If so then I'd be taking my children to that and let him ponder the downfalls of his 'surprise' holiday booking. It's his problem, not yours. Stick to your original arrangement, and don't let him guilt trip you.

GettingScaredNow · 23/07/2016 22:39

You need a contact arrangement.

I've just started the divorce process and at the moment we are conducting contact on a 'when available/convenient' policy but that will change ASAP.

You and your kids need stability.

I think he should reimburse you. If my STBXH did this and flatly refused to reimburse me I wouldn't let them go.

Original poster
RoyalBlue · 23/07/2016 22:48

I shouldn't let them go? Really? They never get to see XH and I'd feel awful denying access

I can't imagine what sort of contact arrangement I'd have with XH, his work hours means he's not around in the mornings/evenings and can't take them for consecutive days, they're asleep when he goes to work and asleep when he's back from work. Random days out with very little warning seems to be the best he can offer and I feel that if I stop those, he'd never see them at all.

OP posts:
chitofftheshovel · 23/07/2016 22:50

no way, he really should have communicated with you first unless you had the EOW and half of all holidays arrangement, which it sounds like you don't.
How long have you been apart for? Is there any way of stabilising his contact time?

chitofftheshovel · 23/07/2016 22:54

Ah, X posted! Ignore my post. But I will add, they never get to see him because they have not been made a priority...

NapQueen · 23/07/2016 22:59

I most certainly would not be Cow towing to his wishes. He can face the financial repercussions of not communicating. Not you!

Send the girls to what you have booked and tell him to communicate effectively with you next time.

Mummyme1987 · 23/07/2016 23:02

It's annoying but you haven't really lost money. Just wasted it. Which if he won't reimburse you for the you were spending anyway, then you are no worse off than if he wasn't taking them. It is worth seeing if the camps have waiting lists etc.

Mummyme1987 · 23/07/2016 23:02

I would ask the kids which they want to do

AyeAmarok · 23/07/2016 23:03

Difficult one. I think it would be cheaper for him to change his holiday than you to cancel all your clubs and arrangements, so I think I'd say no.

MyKingdomForBrie · 23/07/2016 23:03

To be fair it's not costing you extra. Yes the money will be wasted but you would have had to pay it out anyway. I definitely definitely wouldn't 'not let' them go - a holiday with their father is so much more valuable to them than a spiteful revenge refusal, which this would be.

Just give him a huge bollocking. I would also contact the clubs to see if the spaces can be re sold so that you get your money back, I bet that is possible. Some people aren't organised yet.

Shizzlestix · 23/07/2016 23:06

He should change his plans, tough. He needs to be more organised, no way should you be out of pocket. Sorry, OP, he's an idiot.

MrsKoala · 23/07/2016 23:09

You wont be out of pocket tho will you OP? I mean you have paid this and the dc would have attended and now they are attending something else which is costing you nothing. So to you the money is spent and they are doing something, it just isn't the thing you paid for, but it isn't costing you any difference. If that makes sense.

I think i would take it on the chin, tell him from now on something needs to be planned but leave it at that.

CocktailQueen · 23/07/2016 23:16

He's being totally unfair and thoughtless. Surely he knows that op will have thoughts about childcare for the DC during the holidays, not just waited for him to turn up and sort something??

Sorry, op, but I think unless he reimburses you for all the childcare you've lost out on, he doesn't get to see the Dd for holiday.

Surely him taking them for a holiday should mean you have the chance to relax and organise something for you too?? Not just be glad for every second he can spend with them??

What job does he do anyway? No job I know involves being gone at 5.30am and not returning till 8pm.

Oooopsididitagain · 23/07/2016 23:18

You cannot stop the kids from going - thats really evil, but he should reimburse you for some if not all of the money. A contact arrangement needs to be set up for the future or just much better notice! Speak to the camp and see if they can sort out some kind of refund - they still may be able to fill that spot so you never know!

Original poster
RoyalBlue · 23/07/2016 23:23

CQueen, He's an executive at a computer tech company, although when we got together he's was only a developer, so nowhere near crazy hours.

I understand that I haven't lost any money as I would have spent it anyway but it's still wasted money, if he'd just asked they could have done all of that and a holiday, he can't/won't rebook as he's only free for those 2 weeks Angry but I feel that he should pay as it's his fault.

OP posts:
foursillybeans · 23/07/2016 23:29

Have you actually checked to see if any refund is available given the circumstances? If it's soon you might still get a refund in part if they can resell the spaces.

hotdiggedy · 23/07/2016 23:33

can u use the money as payment for weeks you need it when they get back from the holiday? Its annoying the way he has done it of course, but it isnt leaving you out of pocket and I guess it will be nice for your children. You are also very lucky to get that much money in maintenance assuming it is paid without fail!

Original poster
RoyalBlue · 23/07/2016 23:34

Foursilly, I've contacted the playscheme and they've said no refund but I knew that already as you're told when you're signing up, I emailed the camp, haven't heard anything back but it's next Monday, I fear it's too short notice to give the spot away so they won't refund Sad

OP posts:
cexuwaleozbu · 23/07/2016 23:35

Some holiday clubs will let you transfer to a different week. It doesn't make any difference to them whether they have 2 vacancies in week 2 and 3 vacancies in week 5 or vice versa. Phone them and explain and see what they say.

cexuwaleozbu · 23/07/2016 23:36

X-post but a transfer is different to a refund

Original poster
RoyalBlue · 23/07/2016 23:38

Hotdiggedy, sorry I didn't understand the first bit of your post, how would I use the money? And yeah he pays the CM without fail, on the same date every month, we didn't really discuss the amount. He asked is £500 sufficient, I said it was and that was it.

OP posts:
Original poster
RoyalBlue · 23/07/2016 23:47

Cexu, Didn't realise I could do a transfer, I'll send another email explaining the reasons and hope that they let them transfer, thanks for that, I really don't want £1200 going to waste

OP posts:
RepentAtLeisure · 23/07/2016 23:53

If you do let him get away with this, make it clear it's the last time and that next time he will have to cancel. Or you'll be jumping through his hoops for years to come.

Original poster
RoyalBlue · 24/07/2016 00:01

Repent, he will do this again, whatever I say will go in one ear and out the other, even if he reimburses me, the cycle shall continue, which is why I don't want to back down about this money

OP posts:
MargaretRiver · 24/07/2016 00:56

I imagine a tech exec who works those sort of hours would be on a pretty high salary.
Is he paying enough Maintenance?
I just wondered, If you've resigned yourself to this sort of fuckwittery being ongoing, you might find it easier to let go of the wasted money if you're getting more money from him.

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