To think he should reimburse me?

[RoyalBlue]

ExH works like a dog, when we were together he was gone by 5am and home by 9pm most nights and would still do work.
It was the major reason we divorced.

He's a nice bloke, but trying to pin him down is practically impossible. We have 2 DD together, 10 and 8 and if he's going to show up, I get a phone call or a text a few hours before hand and then he whisks them away for the day, which they love but is honestly annoying. He does this at least once a month.

We've only been divorced for 2 years, so this is only our second summer.

Last summer the girls were in play schemes/camp and with grandparents and he took them out a handful of times, I assumed this summer was going to be the same but without any warning whatsoever, DH has taken 2 weeks off work. This is the same man that went to work half dead with a cold, shivering all over the place.

I was delighted, asked for the dates so he could have more then just a day with his Daughters and surprise surprise he's booked them all a holiday without asking/informing me that clashes with camp and a play scheme

The Camps cost a little over £600 per child and the playsheme is £35 per child per day for 6 days, that's £420, all together that's cost me a little over £1600

I said that it was fine if they went but that he would have to reimburse me the money for the camps and playsheme that they would miss as it's too late to get a refund, he argued that I should take it out of the Child Maintenance he pays

He pays £500 a month, £250 per child, that's all he financially contributes, it would take months of his CM payments to cover the loss!

AIBU to think he should reimburse me? And if I'm not how do I get him to do it?!

So he has bought his children. The "hot me with a figure " makes my skin crawl. Or that could be just me.

With regards to the child maintenance, send him a link to the calculator and ask him to send the amount it says. (I bet it's much more than £500)
Take the money and use it on the girls, save it or whatever. The amount is a minimum so don't you dare feel guilty!

More importantly he MUST agree to a contact schedule. It doesn't sound important to adults but it's really beneficial for kids. If he can only commit to once a month then he needs to say first Saturday of each month or whatever. Why is he not doing overnights? He can look up half term dates on the school website and have a long weekend every 6 weeks if that's more his style.

Did you tell him your arrangements?
I think they should go with their dad but he contributes to the financial loss. He sounds a decent sort so I'm sure he will

"Hit me with a figure" sounds flash and uncaring. It isn't just the money is it Royal, it's his abject lack of consideration towards you.

At least they will have quality time with their DF.

Royal stay calm offer him every other weekend with girls from for day evenings and one day during middle of the week.

Also half holidays and if it is important to you both every other Xmas.

Tell him it's important for the girls to have stability and to feel they are a priority to both parents which with him disappearing with no defined timeframe in which they can expect him to see their father is unsettling for children. They need a set routine. Everyone does.

The current arrangement only suits your ex.

Be very reasonable.

Speak to CMS so you have the official minimum child maintenance from your ex, do not feel guilty or upset that he is contributing the minimum he should be towards your children. It's your children's right to be financially supported by their parents.

From Friday evenings

So the girls get a fortnight in the sun with their dad, you're 2k richer (possibly more if you can get holiday camp to refund you) and he's offered more child maintenance! .. Some of my friends would kill to be in your position! He just needs to be moe organised and committed and then surely everyone will be happy.

I think on this occasion you have to let the DC go, OP, but you also need to tell (not ask) him that this can't happen again. Set a deadline for agreeing summer bookings and tell him you have to have dates in place by then. If he says he can't plan that far in advance then you have to tell him the dates you are booking and leave him a window of times that he can have them. If he can't fit them and needs to doublebook your time then make sure he knows in advance you expect him to re-imburse you.

Also agree with PPs that regular access would be good for all concerned. My EX was a shit in many ways but he is almost anal about sticking to times with the DC. They stay with him on one weekday night and one weekend night, and go round for their tea on another day, and although he has never paid any CM as such, he pays half the cost of all their expenses as they crop up.

Only downside is if he has taken them on holiday for, say, a week, and has therefore had them for seven nights instead of the usual two, he will then expect five nights off later to compensate! But at least I know he is like this and know what to expect.

You just need to get your EX to commit to some ground rules and make sure he sticks to them. Good thing that money isn't an issue.

He's not a malicious twat, he's just arrogant and thoughtless and uncaring. The girls can go but we do have to get a formal arrangement in place for contact and CM, the calculator came up with £232 per week but this was based on his income from 2 years ago, so not exactly correct but it's clear that he's massively underpaying.

The good news is that I don't think he'll care about CM payments, the bad news is that I have no idea how to get him to commit to proper contact.

I haven't replied as I'm still trying to figure out how to word everything, I can't imagine him packing anything but I'm certainly not going to do it.

StuffandBother, all those things bar the holiday are things he should be doing any way and I wouldn't be 2k better off if he'd sort himself out.

You can't make him see them more than he wants to, sadly (but you don't have to allow last minute, drop everything type of arrangements).

OP- Just tell him that the norm is a weekend every other week and a mid-week overnight stay on the week that he doesn't have them for the weekend. If he doesn't live nearby then he can have dinner out or something instead of overnight on the mid-week contact visit.
If he won't commit to a night every fortnight then the alternative is for him to have them for a weekend plus a few days every half term (which is what he might have if he lived overseas)
If your daughters were dating someone who turned up when they felt like it, then you'd be telling them that it was a glaring red flag and not put up with it.

Here's an idea. Maybe your ex could change job and actually, you know, be there for his kids. I hate men who put work before family. Children don't remember daddy being at work for all hours when they look back on their childhoods.

You're being way too soft, OP. Don't let the kids go, get a solicitor and sort this out properly, once and for all.

I'd be texting back
"Thanks for the payment. Don't portray me as the bad guy in this - I provide consistency and stability for our girls, and it is unsettling for all concerned When arrangements are turned to chaos. This situation has been a lesson to us both in how to waste £2k! For everyone's sakes, I think it best we formalise a contact agreement and look again at child support. We both want the girls to have the best life possible. I'll look into this and be in touch."

Gazelda has written a great response. Guilt tripping you! The man who doesn't see them regularly and doesn't pay the minimum cms! Amazing.

It sounds like you are still bending over backwards to accommodate his punishing work schedule, which he does by choice. It has already cost him his marriage and his family, yet he has made no effort to change. If he wants to see his daughters he needs to be accommodating and communicating effectively with you. Failure to do so must have consequences. He should absolutely pay for theverything camps. Otherwise he will need to change his holiday to fit in with your arrangements. Also get a proper contact order, and don't feel bad for not bending over backwards constantly to meet his unreasonable schedule, it's him that needs to change.

How is the op £2000 richer. The op has already spent £1600 on wasted child care. The £2000 was to compensate what the op had alteady spent.
How many times has exh been solely in charge of his 2 dc and for how long. He does know he won't be able to work, or take phone calls or answer emails

Gazeldas suggestion sounds good.

You absolutely must have proper contact arrangements.

He is merely a Disney Dad at the moment.

Don't feel bad. If you behaved in the same manner as your ex, as the resident parent you would be in prison for child neglect.

I hate talk about how great a man is just because he tosses a few quid at his kids.

We would all be better off if we fucked our kids off and worked all the hours God sent.
However, some of us have to put our children first.

If he refuses to adhere to a set contact arrangement then I think I would ask for the £200 plus per week and use some of that to pay a solicitor to draw up a legal agreenent.