To think he should reimburse me?

[RoyalBlue]

ExH works like a dog, when we were together he was gone by 5am and home by 9pm most nights and would still do work.
It was the major reason we divorced.

He's a nice bloke, but trying to pin him down is practically impossible. We have 2 DD together, 10 and 8 and if he's going to show up, I get a phone call or a text a few hours before hand and then he whisks them away for the day, which they love but is honestly annoying. He does this at least once a month.

We've only been divorced for 2 years, so this is only our second summer.

Last summer the girls were in play schemes/camp and with grandparents and he took them out a handful of times, I assumed this summer was going to be the same but without any warning whatsoever, DH has taken 2 weeks off work. This is the same man that went to work half dead with a cold, shivering all over the place.

I was delighted, asked for the dates so he could have more then just a day with his Daughters and surprise surprise he's booked them all a holiday without asking/informing me that clashes with camp and a play scheme

The Camps cost a little over £600 per child and the playsheme is £35 per child per day for 6 days, that's £420, all together that's cost me a little over £1600

I said that it was fine if they went but that he would have to reimburse me the money for the camps and playsheme that they would miss as it's too late to get a refund, he argued that I should take it out of the Child Maintenance he pays

He pays £500 a month, £250 per child, that's all he financially contributes, it would take months of his CM payments to cover the loss!

AIBU to think he should reimburse me? And if I'm not how do I get him to do it?!

Blimey. That would irk me. Get 20 percent of his salary. Pop a couple of thousand in an account marked holiday childcare. Book it every summer so it's covered and then it's his own money he is burning. You are right though. It's unfair to stop them going.

Well done OP. I think you have done exactly the right thing.

He is acting like a single man who plays happy families when it suits.

He is "management" not a person on a zero hours contract.
In a short time your eldest will be going out with her own friends and if daddy rocks up on random days or books holidays without prior notification he is going to be severely disappointed. Friends are soon going to be a bigger lure than an unreliable father.

What after school activities do your dds do?

Does his random days ever mean they have to miss these things?

I know several fathers who run high profile companies in the city who still make regular time to see their dc divorced or not

Op you needs on tun a stop to this right now.

This is bollocks.

You need definate contact times for the dc.

From now on he needs to adhere to set arrangement, yes there can be limited flexibility but only that.

Fuck all this I can't book holidays in advance, he is playing you.

Wake up - of course he can reduce his hours he isn't the bloody priminister is he?
Of course he can book time off work in advance.

You are both setting your dcs up to fail here. The lesson you are teaching them is that men are unreliable. It is the woman's job to forsake her own needs to be solely responsible for the children.
A man can never be relied on. Do you want this to be the basis on which they form relationships.

Well done for making him your ex btw he sounds like a tit.

No stick to your plans.
Either he pays up or they don't go.

It is not your job to ensure your ex mans the fuck up and has regular, stable contact with his children.

The problem with men like this is that at the beginning when you agree to a private, non-CMS maintenance arrangement and sporadic ad hoc contact where you are then solely responsible for the DC and childcare, then initially think "phew, dodged a bullet, landed on my feet here" etc etc and probably they feel quite lucky and might even behave "reasonably" with you, so as not to upset the apple cart.

However, within a few months or years, this arrangement becomes their new normal, it's expected, and they start to think that, actually, it's them doing you a favour. And they start to behave in this ridiculously entitled manner.

And the entitlement and incredulity of the man at the suggestion that he should consider the DC and their diary, and their mum's arrangements rather than just completely suit himself means that the woman starts thinking "maybe he has a point? Maybe I am making unreasonable demands".

But everyone on the outside who hasn't been emotionally manipulated/controlled by him can see straight away that he's being a twat and you're (sorry) being a doormat.

#NAMALT etc.

Good for you OP. Definitely the right decision.

DH is senior management, and the advantage of being so far up the food chain is that you do have the ability and option to organise your working life to suit yourself. It's a different situation - he doesn't work funny hours - but every second Friday he leaves the office at 11am to do the 288 mile round trip to collect DSS from school and bring him to ours for our contact weekend. He works remotely on the train up and makes up the hours during the week.

Your ex expects you all to jump to his bidding and it's not fair on any of you, including the DC. Well done for starting the process to formalise things, it'll be better all round once it's done.

£500 would be the minimum maintenance if he earned £30k per year.

Even DC when he was PM was able to coincide his diary with SC so they had holidays booked in advance. I doubt SC was suddenly surprised by a random holiday she knew nothing about.

He has with your blessing put work first for so long that he now thinks he doesn't need to prioritize his dc.
I think when you got divorced he thought it was brilliant. £500 per month and no nagging wife, and kids to play with when he was at a loose end. I think, he thinks they will play second fiddle to work forever.

You need proper maintenance and proper access arrangements sorting out otherwise I foresee big problems in the future.
I presume the holiday he has booked is a foreign one, has your exdh ever looked after 2 dc who he barely knows on holiday with no back up before. Safety would be my priority. Given how he puts work first what happens if he gets a call from work. Who will be looking after dds whilst he is chatting on the phone

Well done op. To everyone saying op hasn't 'lost' money and she paid for childcare and got it if he takes them away. Do you really think it's OK for a mother to pay a father to actually spend time with his kids because that's what the OP would be doing.

You've got lots of different perspectives now so making your mind up should be easier on what you do next ... Let us know how he responds

Ultimately you are both at fault as you didn't agree arrangements jointly for this summer.

However you ex sounds like mine in work ethic and attitude.
As taking the kids away is a new positive attitude I'd be loathe to punish him for it as if arranged properly in future years would benefit both you and the children.

In your shoes I'd take the hit this year as an investment for future years but make it clear that planning for next year is done more considerately so the kids don't miss out on anything again (pointing out with notice they could have enjoyed camp as well as a holiday with him ).

He is getting a cheap deal with child support at the moment. It's probably worth you running the CMS calculator to see how much he is underpaying before deciding it's not worth worrying about......as someone else pointed out even if you don't need it now it could be saved for them for later on.

The money lost is most definitely wasted.

It is money out of the family budget that could otherwise have been spent on your DC.

I'd at least try to get the summer camp dates moved or transferred so they benefit from the activities.

He chose to text back and he just makes me think IBU and makes me very angry! This a small snippet "Didn't realise the holiday money meant so much to you, I've already sent it to your account, it's not something to get emotional about really and if CM isn't sufficient then just hit me with a number, when have I ever refused DD1 & DD2 anything" with a stupid sighing emoji and about the trip he said "Don't be a kill joy, two weeks in the sun would be good for them" and loads of other stuff guilt tripping me in to letting them go and making it seem like I'm taking my anger for him out on my DD.

I checked my online banking and he's sent 2 grand instead of the 1600 I initially asked for

What a dick.
Does he ever have them overnight? Next problem is going to be who is buying holiday stuff for the girls?

My ex worked in tech and a lot of his work like conference calls could be done remotely.

As your daughters get older the random visits are going to cause a lot of problems. They will want to spend weekends with friends and will be furious if they have to change their plans at the last minute. Your ex is going to have to grow up and plan days off in advance.

Please let them go. He's their dad. It's the best thing for them to be doing, not in some anonymous summer camp with strangers. You should want the best for them regardless of being pissed off with him.

Not good at wording replies but am sure others will be. Don''t reply until you have help from here!

If he does take them, then he needs to ensure they have all the items required and if not get them. AND he needs to pack for them. As he said it would be nice for them to go away with him and preparing and packing is part of HIS job as the parent taking them.

Royal refuse to be guilted. Text back what it us you would like him to give your Dd's. His time, his emotional availability etc

Two weeks full time care of them will be a shock to him.

Take the extra £400 and book yourself a holiday or spa treat.

Continue with trying to get the camp week changed.

Refuse to allow this man to make you feel guilty. Think of all the sleepless nights, tummy bugs, etc you have done while he shows up like a disney Dad for fun days out.

If he can send 2k in an instant he's not exactly scraping by to give you £500 a month CM.

I would grit my teeth and let them go this time and have serious words that if it happens again they are not going under any circumstances.

Dear TWAT

I am sure the children would enjoy their time with you and so I will allow them to go.

As I will not be involved in the holiday I think it is best if you organise and pack what they need - after-all you are in the best position to know what is required as you will be with them.

User, I never said he was scraping by, I've actually said the opposite, £500 was just the amount we agreed on and I've never asked for more.

I think this time I would let them go. It will be nice for them to spend an extended period with their dad. It would really stick in the craw, obviously.

But I'd make it clear that in the future, contact is goi g to have to be formalised. It's his problem if he chooses to work so much. You're not with him anymore, it's not your job to be accommodating his whims. I bet you're always changing your work schedule, juggling childcare, making practical arrangements for the kids so why should he not have to do any of that? If he wants a decent relationship with his children he's going to have to find a regular time he can see them.

Can you not talk to him about more regular contact arrangements, if only for the children's sake? It's ludicrous for him to say he can't do that, he must have control over what goes on at work in his position.

There is no reason to stop them going now then. I'd of been gutted at not having been allowed to go away for my dad for two weeks when I was there age. That's great he's gave the cash and is happy to increase maintenance he seems reasonable in that respect.

Whilst you are in discussions I'd be telling him now that proper regular contact needs arranged. Whether it's dinner once a week and an overnight every second weekend. It needs sorted for the children's sakes.

Oh and tell him he can sort and pack suitcases for them!