To feel this way in public (weight related)

[GeordieBadgers]

Whenever I'm in public and I see a skinny woman I feel immense shame.

I'm slightly overweight. 5ft 1 and 9st11.

I weight lift and do cardio every day but it's not enough. I'm a size 10-12 but 6-8 is the new skinny.

When I'm in public (particularly with my boyfriend) and we see a skinny woman I feel so ashamed of myself. So uncomfortable. So ugly. I feel scared that he'd prefer her to me. I feel inadequate.

Does anyone else feel the same with their partner?

In the nicest possible way OP - No, and what you are feeling isn't normal.

You don't sound overweight at all to me. I am a lot (A LOT) bigger than you, and I don't feel any shame at all. A little disappointment with myself perhaps but not shame. This is affecting your life by the sounds of it- and I think you need to chat it through with your GP.

I used to. But I have become happier and more confident in myself. I couldn't care less if someone is skinnier than me.

It kind of came with age I think and getting to the point that I really couldn't carry on wondering what everyone else thought. It was making me miserable.

I used to do weights with some cardio. Fat didn't fall off me like some people report. Trying to get the right amount of calories to build muscle but lose weight was difficult.

As an aside, Now I run and do martial arts with a body combat class a week and weight is steadily coming off. I have maintained my muscle though too as I do a lot of body weight exercises during martial arts.

No, that's not normal. I feel that way but I'm a size 24. I'd love to be your size!

OP, no, this isn't healthy imo. You say you feel scared that your BF would prefer someone skinnier over you. That sounds like the crux of things. How is your relationship with him generally?

I'm 33 if that matters.

So ashamed of myself and sick of the constant struggle.

I agree, that's unusual. I am a size 16, weigh 15 stone, am 5'6 and the strongest feeling I have about it is disappointment, same as PP.

Now that's very not normal I think some talking therapy might help you through this. Do get this addressed ASAP as it could develop into something far less healthy.

I'm overweight. I'm fat. I'm letting my (normal weight) boyfriend down.

no it's not normal - I would consider some therapy to help with the anxiety and self esteem issues - sorry

Whether you're overweight or not, or fat or not, you're not letting your boyfriend down. You don't have a duty to him to be a particular weight or look a particular way.

It sounds like you have a problem with your weight that isn't just a problem with your weight, IYSWIM.

No, it's not Normal
I'm fatter and I suspect much older than you and I know my husband doesn't fancy anyone else
This sounds more of a self esteem thing than anything to do with weight

As someone who has had WLS, I have battled with this all my life. Indeed, it really doesn't matter what size you are, but how you feel that matters.

It is normal to compare yourself to others, but not normal to feel ashamed and worried that you will loose your OH to them (and to be honest, its not a realistic prospect if you are just walking along the street, and that suggests your OH is quite shallow too).

If this is a common thing and it is a constant struggle, go see your GP or look for some private individual counselling or CBT.

No, that's not normal. You should talk to a counsellor as you probably have other issues. Have you spoke to your partner? There's a problem of you don't feel secure enough in your relationship to see someone a stone or two lighter than you. I am overweight at 18-20 & loosing weight but if your bmi is healthy you shouldn't be obsessing over this

No it's not normal. Although being honest, I had similar feelings when I was obese.

Have you always felt this way or is it something to do with your partner?

Forget about cloths size for a start! It can never be an indication of body seze/shape because clothes size is not universal, every shop and brand have a different "size"

No it is not normal to feel this way. Some people do but I feel like it just wastes energy and time and is emotionally damaging so what's the point!

My advice is to do a bit of work on yourself (mentally) to feel better about yourself and accept and love you as you are.

And by the way as a side not. If your dp leaves you for a "skinny" girl then that's on him and he has proved himself to be a dick that is not about you so although it would be upsetting do not ever think you are less than or its your fault because actually the truth is you are worth more than a man that would do that to you!

No, that's not healthy. Because you have chosen to focus on a single aspect of yourself and are treating both yourself and your partner as though nothing else is of value.
Have you ever done any cognitive behavioural exercises? E.g. Make a list of all the things about yourself that your partner likes and don't include anything to do with appearance:
e.g.
you are good at your job
you make the best coffee
you are kind to his mum
you have a great laugh
you have great private jokes together

etc. And make a list of all the things about yourself you're proud of - again nothing to do with appearance:
e.g. passing exams
decorating a room
upping your weights/increasing cardio fitness (that's not looks, that's strength)
being a good friend etc etc.

Keep making these lists and adding tiny things to them from each day until you've strengthened your whole view of yourself and don't define yourself by your weight and dress size!

Fucksake. Yeah at a 10-12 you're huge and should go on a diet immediately before you suffocate a small child in your endless rolls of flab.

I hate what society and the media has done for body image, to make people feel like this with no reason whatsoever. And I sincerely hope that your boyfriend or anyone else in your family isn't making you feel that way deliberately.

There's nothing wrong with you. At all.

And I further hate that I can guarantee there will be someone along in just a minute to go "yes actually you are quite overweight for your height, let me analyse your diet and workout routine so I can make you feel even more shit about yourself."

I expected you to say you were much bigger than that

But even then no, it wouldn't be normal

As someone has asked, how are things generally with your BF?

Sorry about the spelling above!

To add perspective I have a normal weight boyfriend

I have (while with him) been a size 10 then went up to a 18/20 then down to a 10/12 then up to a 16/18 im now a 14 and have 1 stone to lose untill I am at a healthy bmi.

My dp has loved and adored me at all those sizes and all the sizes in between. He loves the whole person not only the shell.

I have felt unhappy at those bigger sizes and did on occasion worry about if I would be unappealing to him but that was my stuff not his

I worked out I need to accept myself as a whole person for what I was only then did I realise how much time I'd wasted when I could have just been happy!

My prefer earnie is to be at a healthy weight and the bonus will be il be happier then with my body.

Pyjamas, she's 5 ft 1. Size 12 at that height is very slightly overweight. I'm three inches taller and one size bigger and very noticeably overweight. There's a massive and very important difference between acknowledging you are a bit overweight (which is an important aspect of health awareness) and feeling unworthy/unsexy/inferior to strangers in the street just because they are skinny, which is very unhealthy!

Aaaaaand- there it is.

The new skinny???

That's not a thing.

If you believe what you said in your OP you genuinely need to get some help.

I recently read a book which I think, from the sounds of things, could help you. It's called The Goddess Revolution by Mel Wells - I can't stand self help type books normally but this one is quite different

No. Sometimes I feel I wish i were slimmer, but your feelings are very extreme and must be very debilitating.