To feel this way in public (weight related)

[GeordieBadgers]

Whenever I'm in public and I see a skinny woman I feel immense shame.

I'm slightly overweight. 5ft 1 and 9st11.

I weight lift and do cardio every day but it's not enough. I'm a size 10-12 but 6-8 is the new skinny.

When I'm in public (particularly with my boyfriend) and we see a skinny woman I feel so ashamed of myself. So uncomfortable. So ugly. I feel scared that he'd prefer her to me. I feel inadequate.

Does anyone else feel the same with their partner?

But larger women, and average 14-16, find partners get married and have kids. I've been overweight in BMI and a size 14 without DH being repulsed, he didn't mind at all in fact. On top of that he actually has his own body issues - he's a bit too podgy but hides it well because he's tall. He feels a little ashamed about that. But neither of us are that shallow, there's so much more to a relationship than body size. And in reality there won't be many women who fall into this ideal you have in mind.

The ideal is skinny.
I'm not deal. Thus:
I'm = letting my BF down.

This post shows your not actually listening to a fucking word anyone has said on this thread!

If you want to belive that then go ahead it's your life after all, but don't come on here moaning about it and ignoring what others are telling you!

In my experience most men do not prefer skinny women. They prefer women with a few curves, big boobs etc.

Can we maybe try and support the OP without needing to denigrate slim women?

Maybe? Just once?

Op i think it's more motivating to think about being healthy for your dc - losing a parent is awful. :(

It sounds really hard to be hungry all the time, exercising a lot and living with those feelings OP. It sounds like maybe you could use some counseling as it's not healthy for you psychologically or physically to be living with this. I really would think about talking to someone. All the best.

whatyousee that's really interesting. I'm 5'3 and I'm currently 10st 13. Which puts me into size 12/14 clothes, depending on the shop/style.

I don't have rolls of fat, I have boobs, a small(ish) waist, hips and an arse. Proportionally, I'm exactly the same as I was when I was 2 stone lighter.

I did OLD for 6 months a couple of years ago after my crap, loveless and sexless marriage to a man who didn't fancy or love me ended. I didn't get much attention at all. I contacted them generally. Most of the men I met for first/second dates felt that I was too big and, at that stage, I weighed 9st 10 - 10st 2 and I thought I looked much better than I had when I was slimmer. It suited my frame better. I certainly didn't have low self esteem then. I was hopeful about the future and appeared quite confident. I actually felt quite sexy. Didn't take long for it to be squashed though.

In the three and a half years since my marriage broke up, the only men who have shown any interest in me in real life have all been married (about 6). Evidently, I'm good enough to be someone's bit on the side, but nothing more.

I went out with one man (single, I met him OLD) who told me that his exes had all been slim beautiful women but they'd all cheated on him. From what he said, he figured that as a less attractive, fatter woman, I wouldn't have as much opportunity. Although he still felt I could stand to lose "one or two kilos". I dumped him.

I don't know where these women live, or who they are meeting if they genuinely believe that men don't prefer slim women.

And I don't meet/associate with 'blokes' or tossers or men with trophy wives. These are just regular, decent men. But I've not met a single (single) one who is interested in me and the feedback I get is that I'm not slim enough (or young enough).

You think they're normal decent men you're surrounding yourself with, but they're not!

I know women who are gym bunnies and have been single (but looking) for years

I know larger women who were single for all of 5 mins before being snapped up again.

It's not about weight, but its an easy scapegoat to blame if the attraction isn't there

If you ask for feedback after an unsuccessful date, what do you expect? deep soul searching about just why they didn't feel any chemistry? or a cop out one liner about looking for someone younger/slimmer? Doesn't mean they won't go on to find love with someone the same or bigger/older than you! J

Feedback is probably the wrong word. These were comments that came up during the dates, e.g. preferring women of a different ethnicity as all women of my own are predisposed to put on weight. It's our genetics as much as our lifestyle so we can't really be blamed completely; surprise (mild disgust) that I was happy to be naked and 'visible' (as opposed to being hidden under a duvet) after sex (I forgot that I did date another man for about 6 weeks); an alternative active hobby being suggested as the one I do, whilst good for health/fitness/wellbeing isn't as effective when it comes to weightloss... so yeah, not feedback, but comments that arose during conversations on our dates that revealed their feelings.

I never actually sought feedback after a date!

They are decent, normal men.

that's not normal "decent" behaviour
Thats controlling red flags
They don't sound nice

nobody has ever said anything like that to me after sex! Sounds horrible for you

DH is the only man I've been with at my slimest, although I wasn't that slim when I met.

Nobody I slept with or date before him said anything like that - and I didn't really get "slim" until after meeting DH (and I'm not any more)

The men who said those things aren't the men I'm describing as normal and decent, though, sorry. Those were the men I went on dates with through OLD.

The men I'm describing and normal and decent are my friends; men I've met through various hobbies and interests etc, The single men I meet i
IRL aren't interested in me, most of the married ones aren't either! But the only men in real life who have been interested are married.

So, the men who aren't interested in you but haven't said mean dickish things about your weight to you… you're assuming just aren't interested in you sexually because of your weight?

But the only men in real life who have been interested are married.

And how do you think that relates to weight or the OP?

I'm 5'8 and 11 stone. I'm a 'big' size 10... I sometimes feel huge. Sometimes I feel like a skinny Minnie.

It doesn't matter what random men think.

I have never ever gone out with a man who has commented in any way on my weight. Or made remarks such as you describe. I've weighed between 9st 9 and 14st. They all seemed to fancy me. My own dh has seen me veer between 9st 9 and10st 10. He always seems keen and again, has never made any remark one way or the other.

These men you are meeting are AWFUL morning.

And how do you think that relates to weight or the OP?

It relates to weight because they're the only ones who don't make any negative comments about my size because it's not about genuine attraction or falling in love or anything, it's just about getting sex with someone different.

It relates to the OP because everyone else is telling her she is wrong for feeling like that because men don't care about weight and it's not true. A lot of them do.

I do think the OP should seek some counselling to address the pervasiveness of her thoughts though.

It relates to the OP because everyone else is telling her she is wrong for feeling like that because men don't care about weight and it's not true. A lot of them do

the OP HAS met someone who fancied her and wanted more than casual sex - her boyfriend! It's the OP who is saying her weight is an issue not him (as far as we know from the thread)

Just go flick through your local wedding photographers facebook or blog - there's women of all sizes getting proposed to and married!

Yes, you're right. I suppose then, I'm just saying that her fears are not unfathomable, when some men are bothered by it.

If her boyfriend genuinely isn't, then she is one of the lucky ones.

I think you need some help with your confidence OP as no I don't think it's normal to feel like that. It's hard for me to relate as I would love nothing more to be a size 12 let alone a 10 but I know from the time I was that size (many moons ago) it's about how you feel in your head.

The thing is now I am fat, properly fat (not like how i used to feel at a size 12& wanted to be a 10). I mean, too fat to wear a skirt in years, walk up a flight of stairs without getting out of breath, fat enough that I can't just go into any shop and clothes shopping is a nightmare.

BUT despite knowing I am letting myself down and my health down for getting to this point....I don't feel ashamed and don't feel I am letting my DP down. I am more than my weight, I am funny, kind, intelligent, adventurous etc and that's why my DP is with me.

I weigh the same as you and am the same height OP. From time to time I feel like utter shit a little chubby when walking past a crop topped 21 year old but then I remember that I can always lose weight but others can only dream of the daybthwyvrealise crop tops should've been left in 1995.

If her boyfriend genuinely isn't, then she is one of the lucky ones
no.. it's pretty standard! Look around you in the street, is it rare to see a woman over a size 12 in a couple?

And yes lots of men do care about weight...I know that from my own experience of dating, but I doubt a size 10-12 is going to turn many men off.

*day they realise.

Fail. Ultimately - you're not fat. At all.

If you honestly thought your boyfriend would prefer a random in the street because she's slimmer than you, then ask yourself "who was he walking side by side down the street with his head held high?" Was it her?...... No, it was you!

It's ok to feel unhappy about your weight, but I don't think it's normal to feel the way you do. I agree with others you may benefit from counselling because I suspect this may go a bit deeper than your weight.