Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD has been paired up with her bully for overnight excursion..

56 replies

MrsDrSpencerReid · 31/05/2016 07:22

DD (9) has her first overnight school excursion next week.

Today they we asked to pair up for the bus trip there and back. None of DD's group of friends are in her class, so she has found herself paired up with the girl who has been giving her a hard time all year.

She's burst into tears as soon as we've got home Sad

This girl has been quite nasty to DD, calling her names and a few weeks ago hit her in the face with a ball at lunch. This was reported to the teacher on duty but the bully said it was an accident and nothing happened.

Her class teacher hasn't been very helpful either when DD has gone to her when she's been upset by this other girl.

AIBU if I go in tomorrow and ask the teacher to change things around so DD has a different partner?

The bus trip will be about 1 1/2 each way, but it's likely the bus partners will also be roommates that night, and partnered up for the various activities.

DD was already nervous about going, now she's in pieces about being stuck with this bully for two days Sad

OP posts:
brodchengretchen · 31/05/2016 07:27

As a person who was also bullied at school I would say that DD will have a hard time forgiving you for allowing the school to pair her with her bully. You have to prevent it now that you are aware. Good luck with the school!

Wolfiefan · 31/05/2016 07:36

You are so not being unreasonable. Being unreasonable would mean doing nothing and having her dread the trip then have a miserable time.
Can she be paired with someone in a different class?

Rebecca2014 · 31/05/2016 07:39

Time to be a parent...

PetuliaGristle · 31/05/2016 07:42

I agree with brodchengretchen and Wolfiefan, talk to the school and don't take no for an answer. Hoping that this isn't some misplaced 'bonding' strategy.

Original poster
MrsDrSpencerReid · 31/05/2016 07:46

I hate to be 'that' parent that causes trouble, but I really can't believe her teacher has let this happen when she knows what has been going on!

I'm just worried about backlash for DD if the teacher splits another pair up so she can have a new partner. DD isn't the only one who is bullied by this girl, so if they do get changed around I doubt whoever gets paired with the bully will be too happy about it either!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDrSpencerReid · 31/05/2016 07:47

That's what I'm hoping too Petulia

I'll definitely be speaking to her teacher in the morning.

OP posts:
WreckingBallsInsideMyHead · 31/05/2016 07:48

Yanbu, especially since it's more than just the bus trip

Doesn't the bully have any friends she can sit with?

NynaevesSister · 31/05/2016 07:51

'That' parent is the one who hassles the teacher about every decision they make.

Why on earth are you worrying about being 'that' parent when your child is in floods of tears?

Time to woman up and stand up for. I would - and I would make it clear that she doesn't have to go on the trip unless she is happy to do so. Why can't she be partnered with a friend just because that friend is in a different class?

brodchengretchen · 31/05/2016 07:55

Re; speaking to the school, you may find that the other parents have asked for their child not to be put with the known bully and you were last in the queue. That is a legitimate question you can ask I think. I second not accepting no for an answer, it is their job to safeguard their pupils after all.

Xenadog · 31/05/2016 07:55

OP if you haven't been "that" parent so far I don't think you need worry. Do go and speak to the class teacher and explain why your DD is so upset and that this pairing is not an option.

If the bully is horrible to all children then it sounds like they have issues the school should be addressing (along with the fact they should have dealt with the issues that have affected your DD already).

MustStopAndThinkBeforePosting · 31/05/2016 07:57

Just a thought - is there a way to turn this around?
The incidents you mention - some name calling and a playground incident a few weeks ago - are of course unacceptable but they don't amount to the systematic daily victimisation which your thread title implies. Is this other girl really a bully or is she someone with poor social skills who has no friends and sometimes lashes out verbally in frustration and misery? Obviously I don't know the details but I would be wary of making the teacher split up another pair to give your dd another partner. If that happens the chances are that your dd will have to deal with her new partner and the other girl's new partner resenting her as well and she will have more trouble on the trip not less.
could it be possible that your dd might actually make friends with this girl? Or if not then at least improve their relationship a little - with support from the teachers made aware that there could be problems of course. Can you meet with the teacher to come up with an acceptable plan to put a stop to any bullying behaviour the moment anything happens if it does.
(I started writing this when there were no replies - I realise op may have given more details in subsequent posts that make this suggestion inappropriate...)

2rebecca · 31/05/2016 07:58

Agree I'd explain about the bully. They should be able to change it, if not it's whether she goes or not.

RosaBee · 31/05/2016 08:07

My sons primary do overnight residential trips from 5. He has had some serious problems in the past with a boy in the year above. Before they even got to buddying up and room plans I arranged a meeting with the teacher saying I didn't give my permission for my son to share a dorm, shower or partner up with this child. If that couldn't be guaranteed he wouldn't be going. It's 2 nights and three days which at 5, already feels a lot so I needed the reassurance. It was all sorted out very sensitively and now he is looking forward to the trip.

YorkieDorkie · 31/05/2016 08:11

This makes me Angry.

As the teacher I would have used the situation to have a word with the bully and say - no one wants to be your buddy because of how unkind you can be to everyone.

On the flip side - I was paired with a bully once and that 1:1 time with them actually flipped our relationship and we became friends.

scarlets · 31/05/2016 08:18

Sounds like a hamfisted attempt to integrate/rehabilitate the bully. Talk to the teacher. Explain that your daughter will be polite to her when their paths cross, but won't be her bff anytime soon, so needs a new partner.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 31/05/2016 08:19

Rebecca2014 the OP is already a parent Hmm

I think you'd be well justified in asking for this pairing not to happen.

myownprivateidaho · 31/05/2016 08:23

I think that I agree with muststop that I'm uncomfortable with labelling this girl a bully on the evidence you describe. She's been unkind on several occasions and that's certainly enough to ask the school to separate them. But I do think there's a difference between what you describe and bullying.

Original poster
MrsDrSpencerReid · 31/05/2016 08:24

I wish I'd done that RosaBee

I've told DD that she dirsnt have to go if she doesn't want to. I'd rather forfeit the money than have her away and miserable for two days.

I'll be speaking to her teacher first thing. Hopefully she can be paired with someone from another class. The class that is sharing a bus with her class has lots of her friends in it, so fingers crossed.

Thanks for the replies Smile

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 31/05/2016 08:33

It's not about being 'that' parent. It's about what's best for your child, and making sure he needs and well-being are met. I'm sure if it were any of the teachers children. They'd be 'that' parent, too.
Just to go in their defence though for a minute. Could they be doing it as a way of trying to buddy them up, but then again, even. With the best will in the world. You can't force friendships.

SleepyForest · 31/05/2016 08:37

My dd got paired with her bully for her residential last week. It absolutely ruined her week.

emilybrontescorset · 31/05/2016 08:39

Yes go and speak to the teacher and ask for the pairing to be changed.
I think sometimes teachers arent aware of the friendship dynamics.

Original poster
MrsDrSpencerReid · 31/05/2016 08:39

They were just two examples of what's been happening, which I thought would be classed as bullying, but I may be mistaken and that's why the school haven't taken it seriously so far.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 31/05/2016 09:00

YorkieDorkie
"As the teacher I would have used the situation to have a word with the bully and say - no one wants to be your buddy because of how unkind you can be to everyone."

I LOL'ed at this no teacher would dare say that to a child the fall out would be immense.

OP

Have a word with teacher most will be receptive, but they may not be able to do anything.

Stanky · 31/05/2016 09:27

I would put all of your concerns in writing, with a clear time line of incidents leading up to the trip. My ds was bullied, and we were not taken seriously until I put everything into writing and made it clear that I would be taking the matter further and higher if it wasn't resolved. Suddenly, we were taken seriously, and meetings were arranged to resolve the bullying. Things have been much better since.

MustStopAndThinkBeforePosting · 31/05/2016 09:33

I would define bullying as the strong being cruel to the weak for fun. That doesn't sound like what is happening here. I do hope your DD has an enjoyable school trip in which she is safe from any emotional or physical cruelty but I also hope that the other girl gets supported and helped into better ways of interacting with her peers rather than being ostracised and labelled.

Swipe left for the next trending thread