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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD has been paired up with her bully for overnight excursion..

56 replies

MrsDrSpencerReid · 31/05/2016 07:22

DD (9) has her first overnight school excursion next week.

Today they we asked to pair up for the bus trip there and back. None of DD's group of friends are in her class, so she has found herself paired up with the girl who has been giving her a hard time all year.

She's burst into tears as soon as we've got home Sad

This girl has been quite nasty to DD, calling her names and a few weeks ago hit her in the face with a ball at lunch. This was reported to the teacher on duty but the bully said it was an accident and nothing happened.

Her class teacher hasn't been very helpful either when DD has gone to her when she's been upset by this other girl.

AIBU if I go in tomorrow and ask the teacher to change things around so DD has a different partner?

The bus trip will be about 1 1/2 each way, but it's likely the bus partners will also be roommates that night, and partnered up for the various activities.

DD was already nervous about going, now she's in pieces about being stuck with this bully for two days Sad

OP posts:
user838383 · 31/05/2016 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pollyblack · 31/05/2016 09:38

I can see the unpleasantness of putting them together and maybe a bit of sense too- if it is intentional. Either way I would speak to the teacher and say you are concerned and see what they say. If they are prepared to keep talking to your daughter and keep a keen eye on the situation maybe it will be ok and things will work out. My DS has had numerous cases where someone who has been a "bully" in his eyes has ended up being a close friend. But if you speak to the teacher and are still unhappy then I would ask if a switch was possible.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 31/05/2016 09:59

another to say I was bullied at that age- and this would have been hell for me!

so speak to school, and if they don't help- well would you just pull her from the trip??

TheDuchyOfGrandFenwick · 31/05/2016 10:08

Speak to the teacher, make it clear that your daughter being paired with her bully is unacceptable.

The girl may have problems or what not but that doesn't mean your dd should suffer because of it.

PetuliaGristle · 31/05/2016 10:13

MustStopAndThinkBeforePosting 'I would define bullying as the strong being cruel to the weak for fun.'

That's a common misconception about bullying, this link lists the more common myths in detail:

'Only the best are bullied. People who are targeted by bullies are sensitive, respectful, honest, creative, have high emotional intelligence, a strong sense of fair play and high integrity with a low propensity to violence' bullyonline.org/old/schoolbully/myths.htm

confuugled1 · 31/05/2016 11:03

Thing is, even if the teacher is hoping that sticking them together will help them to become friends, there's still a good chance that the bully will continue to pick on her and will make the trip a misery. If it's a one off I can completely understand why you wouldn't want to risk this and I wouldn't for my child either.

I would talk to the teacher, say how let down you and your dd feel, say that it's a continuation of bullying that you're worried about and that despite you raising it as a safeguarding issue on several occasions and it not being taken seriously, you see this as further evidence of the school failing in its duty of care to safeguard your child from the bully. Id also say about wanting to ensure that dd isn't in any groups or working directly with the girl during the trip. If they complain about having to rework groups then point out that it should never have got this far and that if they'd done their job properly - they should know that you have raised the bullying issue several times in regard to this girl so for an overnight trip they should never have contemplated putting them near each other, let alone pairing them up for significant amounts of time where the teacher won't be able to see them.

Hopefully they will come up with some solution that wont cause any related problems for your dd.

After talking to the teacher I'd follow up in writing so theres a record of your conversation because then if they do end up letting the bully get too close you can go back to them to raise an issue.

If they don't agree to make changes then I'd talk to the head to see why not and point out again more strongly that they are failing in their duty of care to safeguard my dd. Again.

And if I had to pull dd out of the trip because they couldn't guarantee her safety and were expectibg her to remain a partner with the bully, I would tell them that in that case you expect to be repaid for the trip. I know they don't give refunds and will try to fob you off - but if they are not prepared to ensure the safety of your dd on the trip then they are being very unreasonable. Particularly if your dd wants to go. It's sad but maybe if you push the financial side they might find it concentrates their mind more than being bothered by continued (even if not yet really bad - it's.still enough to upset your dd) bullying that they've dissmissed.

(And sorry if the thread has moved on lots, this has taken me longer to type than I realised!)

WhatchaMaCalllit · 31/05/2016 13:04

Good on you for spotting this before it could become an issue while they are away on their trip.

Hopefully your chat went well this morning.

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2016 13:10

Hoping that this isn't some misplaced 'bonding' strategy.

^^ This.

I'm also Shock at schools that do residentials for 5 year-olds.

Having supervised many Year 6 ones, there isn't a cat-in-hell's chance I'd do one with infants!

StarkintheSouth · 31/05/2016 16:24

I was bullied between the ages of 8-11 and did a residential weekend course with my primary school. My bully had a field day and my teachers did nothing. It was miserable and now I'm pregnant I dread my DD ever going through something like that. My parents didn't handle my bullying well - they felt it was minor and I was being dramatic about it - so I felt completely alone. My advice would be definitely raise it with the school- they have a duty of care! This trip should be educational and an experience she should enjoy, not dread, so they need to make it so.
But also make sure your daughter knows she can talk to you about this and that you appreciate how shit it is for her (am sure you are already doing this though!!) But I vividly remember at a young age feeling like no one knew just how bad it was and wanting to die from the misery of it. (Things got better tho. Way better. And I am sure it will for your DD.) Best of luck xx

Robbo78 · 31/05/2016 16:49

Your not being 'that parent,' Your being cautious. I would think nothing of stepping in and asking the school to amend the pairing or i wouldn't be sending her, end of. Hope you sort it out.

katiekrafter · 31/05/2016 17:16

I agree with RosaBee. I have an immature son who does find it difficult to make friends, and is therefore quite often the target for those who finding teasing fun. I sent him on his school trip in year 7 (which in Scotland is a "thing" as it's the last year of primary. He had an awful time. I then wasn't going to send him on his S1 (year 8 - first year of secondary) trip because I didn't want to let him down again by making him go on a week's trip to hell. The school persuaded me to let (make) him go. He had an awful time x 2. I have regretted not putting in writing the terms on which I gave my consent (not sharing room or activities with children he didn't get on with etc) ever since. Only you can advocate for your child and you need to.

skinofthericepudding · 31/05/2016 17:24

*"As the teacher I would have used the situation to have a word with the bully and say - no one wants to be your buddy because of how unkind you can be to everyone."

I LOL'ed at this no teacher would dare say that to a child the fall out would be immense. *

Of course a teacher would say this to a spiteful child- I have said this type of thing to several nasty buggers in my teaching career. I haven't had any fallout!

MustStopAndThinkBeforePosting · 31/05/2016 18:16

Nanny0gg I think we are talking about Y5 (ie 9yo) not 5yo.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 31/05/2016 19:30

I would just tell the school that if she can't be paired with someone else, then she isn't going. No arguments. Girls can be such unutterable little bitches (had a few at my school) and I would certainly make a stand about this.

Worst little bitch-bully at my school - pure poison - went on to train as a teacher! I've often felt so sorry for any kids who were unlucky enough to encounter her.

TheoriginalLEM · 31/05/2016 19:39

i hope you were able to get this sorted. my dd is in year 6 and there have been some bullying issues. i pre-empted it by telling the teachers that no way is she to be in this girls tent or part of the same activity group. Yes the girl is having a difficult timeat home but that doesn't mean she gets to give my dda difficult time at school. The school have been good about it and ensureddd is with girls shegets on with

You are well within your rights to insist she is moved. .

Witchend · 31/05/2016 19:49

Has the school deliberately paired them though? I got the impression in the OP that the school had said to the class to pair themselves up, and they'd been left together.

BoneyBackJefferson · 31/05/2016 19:50

skinofthericepudding

So if you have said "this type of thing" what did you actually say?

Around here the parents would be on the phone to anyone that would listen.

crje · 31/05/2016 20:00

Definitely try to separate them.

We didn't do enough for our ds Sad
The school did the 'misplaced bonding' and told us it was the best strategy.
He felt so let down by everyone.
Only now after 3 years and 12 months of counselling does he feel we are on his side .

Make sure your dd knows you are watching out for her.

skinofthericepudding · 31/05/2016 21:19

BoneyBackJefferson

Last year, I had a very spiteful girl in my Year 3 class. She had quite a hold over most of the girls in the class and would choose to be friends with some and then exclude others. I spoke to all of the girls (including her) and told them that they all had their own minds, they didn't have to put up with anyone treating them nastily. I also said to the girl in question, in front of her parents, that if she carried on treating people like this, she would end up with no friends at all or the friends that she did have would only be with her through fear and not because they liked her.

CocktailQueen · 31/05/2016 21:26

Well done, Skin - good to see a teacher taking positive action like that instead of pretending that everything is fine and every child is lovely.

BoneyBackJefferson · 31/05/2016 21:43

skinofthericepudding

Not to labour the point but at no point did you speak to the child on their own.

Much as I admire your positive action you didn't do as was suggested by a previous poster.

Nanny0gg · 31/05/2016 22:03

Nanny0gg I think we are talking about Y5 (ie 9yo) not 5yo.

Yes, the OP was. There was another poster who said their school did it from 5 years old.

ineedaholidaynow · 31/05/2016 22:11

DS(11) has Y6 residential coming up. He and a number of other children are being bullied by a particular child in the class. We and a few other parents have voiced our concerns about the trip. They have said they will ensure the children are grouped carefully. They are also dealing with this child's behaviour and have told him that when other children call him a bully, the children are not bullying him they are telling him what he is.

Hope you get it sorted OP. This boy has spoilt DS's last year of Primary School. Most of the bullying is low level but is almost daily and it has destroyed my sensitive child's confidence and self-esteem Sad

Chloe1984 · 31/05/2016 22:21

"LOL'ed at this no teacher would dare say that to a child the fall out would be immense. "

Now imagining the parent of said bully posting on here complaining that the teacher told her daughter that no-one wants to be her friend Grin

Catmuffin · 31/05/2016 22:21

Ask for your dd to be moved into the class her friends are in asap. I've known people do that. That way she gets to escape the bully but can just use the excuse that she wants to be with her friends.