DD has been paired up with her bully for overnight excursion..

[MrsDrSpencerReid]

DD (9) has her first overnight school excursion next week.

Today they we asked to pair up for the bus trip there and back. None of DD's group of friends are in her class, so she has found herself paired up with the girl who has been giving her a hard time all year.

She's burst into tears as soon as we've got home

This girl has been quite nasty to DD, calling her names and a few weeks ago hit her in the face with a ball at lunch. This was reported to the teacher on duty but the bully said it was an accident and nothing happened.

Her class teacher hasn't been very helpful either when DD has gone to her when she's been upset by this other girl.

AIBU if I go in tomorrow and ask the teacher to change things around so DD has a different partner?

The bus trip will be about 1 1/2 each way, but it's likely the bus partners will also be roommates that night, and partnered up for the various activities.

DD was already nervous about going, now she's in pieces about being stuck with this bully for two days

[HairyMuffandProud]

I hate to be 'that' parent that causes trouble, but I really can't believe her teacher has let this happen when she knows what has been going on!

Your poor DD of course you must support her.
Of course she cant go on a school over night with her bully! Isnt it sad when a fear of being that parent overrides a parents job to support and help their dc?

[tootyflooty]

my DD endured 3 years of bullying at primary school, every other parent in the year group knew this girl had form, the school dealt with it very half heartedly, any behaviour dished out that makes some one upset or fearful is bullying, and I can't bear it when people play it down, I would absolutely insist that they are not seated together or have to share a room. You are the only one who can fight her corner.

[Lymmmummy]

Any update OP? Hope it's sorted and DD had a positive experience

My DC is only in reception but since the start of the year we have had issues with one particular child - it isn't bullying more a case of the child wanting to be friends with mine - but being a bit over boisterous/physical about it - several incidents happened all of which were brushed off by the teacher -

I was made me feel like I was "that mum" when I first raised it - eventually on the second attempt I asked to see the head of year - well she was useless she kept saying oh well if X can't articulate it then there is nothing we can do (eg implying I was lying) - sorry but the kid is just 5 - surely a teacher can understand children sometimes don't have the language to explain themselves properly - also the reason he couldn't articulate it was because perhaps there was a fault in the class teachers approach in that kids didn't feel comfortable raising these issues with her or were not made aware of what the right behaviour was in that type of situation

anyway at my request in the end the head came into join the discussion - chalk and cheese - she totally got it and understood why my DC had not verbally expressed these concerns to the teacher - said it was in fact fairly common - in the end situation sorted - now teacher has given son had strategies/actions for reacting when other kid is over boisterous with him, the other boy has had his card marked and I made a formal request that the children be put in separate classes next year. The issue that made it harder to get my point across was that my DC was outgoing and happy so therefore there was an expectation that it was impossible that an extrovert could have been suffering type thing and that I was generally a bit mad for suggesting it given how happy he always appeared.

In fact when teacher took the time and spoke to the children separately my son was fully able to articulate the issues and they then knew they were real and were forced to address them -

Point is that sometimes the right message needs to get to the right person. I am not a helicopter mum my DC are independent and I leave them to sort their own fights out - but there are times a child simply doesn't have the ability to do this - and this is where a parent needs to step in on their behalf. I think as a parent you can distinguish minor spats from things that are or are likely to negatively affect your child. If you think the buddying up with your child's bully is a bad idea - then don't let it happen.

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

Has your DD been on her trip yet? Hope it went well for her and that she was able to have an enjoyable trip away.

[MammaTJ]

I am hoping this is some misguided attempt to make the bully be less nasty them become friends but it will not work and why should your DD suffer, if only in the anticipation.

This should be something she looks forward to and enjoys! Not dreads because of being paired with a bully!

I bet you have paid for the privilege as well! Tell them you will not pay for your DD to suffer!

[CodyKing]

Is this other girl really a bully or is she someone with poor social skills who has no friends and sometimes lashes out verbally in frustration and misery?

why should this child be OP's DD problem?

I she has poor social skills then this should be acknowledged and the child given an intervention to help -

More than likely DD will be seen as the child with least resistance to this paring - with a mother who wouldn't dream of complaining -

I have seen this happen - and it's likely my DS put in the position due to others getting in first to say NO to X Y And Z on their residential trip next month - I'm dreading it

[Catmuffin]

Ask for your dd to be moved into the class her friends are in asap. I've known people do that. That way she gets to escape the bully but can just use the excuse that she wants to be with her friends.

[Chloe1984]

"LOL'ed at this no teacher would dare say that to a child the fall out would be immense. "

Now imagining the parent of said bully posting on here complaining that the teacher told her daughter that no-one wants to be her friend

[ineedaholidaynow]

DS(11) has Y6 residential coming up. He and a number of other children are being bullied by a particular child in the class. We and a few other parents have voiced our concerns about the trip. They have said they will ensure the children are grouped carefully. They are also dealing with this child's behaviour and have told him that when other children call him a bully, the children are not bullying him they are telling him what he is.

Hope you get it sorted OP. This boy has spoilt DS's last year of Primary School. Most of the bullying is low level but is almost daily and it has destroyed my sensitive child's confidence and self-esteem

[Nanny0gg]

Nanny0gg I think we are talking about Y5 (ie 9yo) not 5yo.

Yes, the OP was. There was another poster who said their school did it from 5 years old.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

skinofthericepudding

Not to labour the point but at no point did you speak to the child on their own.

Much as I admire your positive action you didn't do as was suggested by a previous poster.

[CocktailQueen]

Well done, Skin - good to see a teacher taking positive action like that instead of pretending that everything is fine and every child is lovely.

[skinofthericepudding]

BoneyBackJefferson

Last year, I had a very spiteful girl in my Year 3 class. She had quite a hold over most of the girls in the class and would choose to be friends with some and then exclude others. I spoke to all of the girls (including her) and told them that they all had their own minds, they didn't have to put up with anyone treating them nastily. I also said to the girl in question, in front of her parents, that if she carried on treating people like this, she would end up with no friends at all or the friends that she did have would only be with her through fear and not because they liked her.

[crje]

Definitely try to separate them.

We didn't do enough for our ds
The school did the 'misplaced bonding' and told us it was the best strategy.
He felt so let down by everyone.
Only now after 3 years and 12 months of counselling does he feel we are on his side .

Make sure your dd knows you are watching out for her.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

skinofthericepudding

So if you have said "this type of thing" what did you actually say?

Around here the parents would be on the phone to anyone that would listen.

[Witchend]

Has the school deliberately paired them though? I got the impression in the OP that the school had said to the class to pair themselves up, and they'd been left together.

[TheoriginalLEM]

i hope you were able to get this sorted. my dd is in year 6 and there have been some bullying issues. i pre-empted it by telling the teachers that no way is she to be in this girls tent or part of the same activity group. Yes the girl is having a difficult timeat home but that doesn't mean she gets to give my dda difficult time at school. The school have been good about it and ensureddd is with girls shegets on with

You are well within your rights to insist she is moved. .

[GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER]

I would just tell the school that if she can't be paired with someone else, then she isn't going. No arguments. Girls can be such unutterable little bitches (had a few at my school) and I would certainly make a stand about this.
Worst little bitch-bully at my school - pure poison - went on to train as a teacher! I've often felt so sorry for any kids who were unlucky enough to encounter her.

[MustStopAndThinkBeforePosting]

Nanny0gg I think we are talking about Y5 (ie 9yo) not 5yo.

[skinofthericepudding]

*"As the teacher I would have used the situation to have a word with the bully and say - no one wants to be your buddy because of how unkind you can be to everyone."

I LOL'ed at this no teacher would dare say that to a child the fall out would be immense. *

Of course a teacher would say this to a spiteful child- I have said this type of thing to several nasty buggers in my teaching career. I haven't had any fallout!

[katiekrafter]

I agree with RosaBee. I have an immature son who does find it difficult to make friends, and is therefore quite often the target for those who finding teasing fun. I sent him on his school trip in year 7 (which in Scotland is a "thing" as it's the last year of primary. He had an awful time. I then wasn't going to send him on his S1 (year 8 - first year of secondary) trip because I didn't want to let him down again by making him go on a week's trip to hell. The school persuaded me to let (make) him go. He had an awful time x 2. I have regretted not putting in writing the terms on which I gave my consent (not sharing room or activities with children he didn't get on with etc) ever since. Only you can advocate for your child and you need to.

[Robbo78]

Your not being 'that parent,' Your being cautious. I would think nothing of stepping in and asking the school to amend the pairing or i wouldn't be sending her, end of. Hope you sort it out.

[StarkintheSouth]

I was bullied between the ages of 8-11 and did a residential weekend course with my primary school. My bully had a field day and my teachers did nothing. It was miserable and now I'm pregnant I dread my DD ever going through something like that. My parents didn't handle my bullying well - they felt it was minor and I was being dramatic about it - so I felt completely alone. My advice would be definitely raise it with the school- they have a duty of care! This trip should be educational and an experience she should enjoy, not dread, so they need to make it so.
But also make sure your daughter knows she can talk to you about this and that you appreciate how shit it is for her (am sure you are already doing this though!!) But I vividly remember at a young age feeling like no one knew just how bad it was and wanting to die from the misery of it. (Things got better tho. Way better. And I am sure it will for your DD.) Best of luck xx

[Nanny0gg]

Hoping that this isn't some misplaced 'bonding' strategy.

^^ This.

I'm also at schools that do residentials for 5 year-olds.

Having supervised many Year 6 ones, there isn't a cat-in-hell's chance I'd do one with infants!

[WhatchaMaCalllit]

Good on you for spotting this before it could become an issue while they are away on their trip.

Hopefully your chat went well this morning.