Cooking for my 21 year old son!!!

[Smelley66]

I need advice please! Am I being unreasonable to get fed up cooking for my son? He comes home for his dinner from work and somehow (it's my fault) I've found myself getting his lunch ready, I also do his evening dinner with his Dad's. He's just turned vegan, which has made the whole thing even more hassle as his dad eats meat. I'm a veggy myself, so I don't mind doing some vegan dinners for us. But i feel my whole life is about cooking! I'm 50 this year, surely I should be having more freedom?

Buy him a vegan cookbook and let/make him cook his own meals.

Of course YANBU

And a vegan diet is also restrictive and tricky and he should cater for himself or certainly share the load

He can make his own lunch as well

He's an adult! If he wants to be vegan, he buys cookbooks and investigates it, and comes up with things he'd like to eat. I do this with dd if she wants to be veggie - and she's 12.

Do he do His fair share around the house? If not, I'd start getting him to!

YANBU at all. If he won't eat the main meal, he's old enough to sort himself out. I hope he pays you rent and does housework? Does he ever cook a meal for the two of you?

I'm living back home with my parents at 27 after a relationship breakdown. My mum will happily make enough dinner for me as well (she loves to cook anyway) but I wash up, do my own laundry, vacuum/clean my room, clean the bathroom, make my own breakfast/lunch and pay her some housekeeping. She does the main food shop as I don't drive and public transport is dire (over 10 miles to the supermarket) but I do top-up shops after work from the Tesco Express round the corner if she needs anything.

Your son is taking the piss. Stop enabling him!

Thanks loads everyone, yes it's time I pulled my finger out and stop being a wuss lol!
He pays us rent (£100 a month) and has a good moan about it. A lot of the food he has is pretty expensive as well like almond butter and milk ect.... He buys some of his snack type foods himself and cooks his extra meals as he's eating loads because he's trying to put weight on. And NO he doesn't do any housework! First thing is buy him a vegan cookbook and next give him some jobs to do.
I was actually at breaking point last night as he'd asked me if I'd cook him something after we'd just eaten! I exploded and he laughed! Netmums was the only thing I could think of for help so thank you so much I know I sound weak and Im kicking myself for allowing it to happen X

It's easy to get in the mode of these things, so don't be too hard on yourself. Once he gets his cookbook, he needs to be making some nice meals for you too.

Ps, he could do a bit of research himself really, print some recipes from t'internet.

If it was making one family meal I would say Yabu to leave him out.

But by the sounds of it you are cooking 3?

Personally at his age if he wants something different he should be doing it.

Why are you doing his lunches? My almost 12 year old does her own packed lunch

The thing is, if you don't cook for them they just go without or get cereal or toast which just makes me feel shit.

Sit down with him and tell him, in a calm way, what you are prepared to do for him and what he needs to do for himself. I have a daughter the same age and had to do this. She's a lovely girl but reverts to being 15 at home (as we all do!).

She eats what I cook. If she wants something different she makes it herself and cleans up afterwards.

I don't bother cooking for my 16 yr old anymore unless it's freezable. There's just no point.

Tell him he needs to buy his special foods out of his own money as 100 quid a month just isn't enough. That you don't mind making a vegan meal for all of you a couple of times a week but the rest of the time he can sort himself out. Also give him a list of chores. You're doing him NO favours here.

If he doesn't like it then he can move out.

The thing is, if you don't cook for them they just go without or get cereal or toast which just makes me feel shit.

Why? They're grown adults! At 21, OP's son is perfectly capable of making himself a proper dinner if he wants one. If he can't be arsed, then he can have a few nights of eating cereal or toast. It won't kill him and it'll teach him to grow up a bit.

Loads of 21 year olds live on their own and don't need their parents to run around cooking for them - they run households, feed small children and go out to work without combusting.

I do think there is a tendency, though, for parents to "infantilise" adult children who live at home. When I lived independently (shared uni house, then with my ex), my parents never worried about what I was eating or whether I had clean clothes. As soon as I moved back home after my relationship ended, I was fussed over endlessly! Have you had breakfast, do you need me to do laundry, let me change the bed etc etc. It's not necessary, but I do think parents (mothers in particular) like to feel needed, so when there's someone around to fuss over, they do so!

When I was in Upper Sixth (back in the dim and distant mists of time before it became Y13), I lived with my gran. She would tell me each morning before I left for school what she was cooking for tea. I would let her know whether I wanted any cooking for me. If I didn't want what she was cooking, I cooked for myself (or grabbed a takeaway or similar).

These days with DH I cook one meal - the only exception is if I am doing something he doesn't like - he doesn't eat fish, so if I'm doing fish for me, he gets a pork chop or similar. The rest of the meal is the same.

I am not a short order cook I am turning into my mum and grandma though

Agree with Hermione - there is nothing wrong with eating cereal and toast, if a 21 year old can't be bothered to cook his own meal then he can fill up on cereal and toast. And why do so many mothers allow themselves to become martyrs to their adult children?

Presumaby the Op is happy to cook some meals for the family to eat together during the week, but pandering to her son's whims about what and when he will eat is just unnecessary.

Op - I am older than you (but with a younger DS) and certainly wouldn't allow him to treat me like your DS is treating you. Good luck in sorting it out - is your DH supportive?

Why? They're grown adults! At 21, OP's son is perfectly capable of making himself a proper dinner if he wants one. If he can't be arsed, then he can have a few nights of eating cereal or toast. It won't kill him and it'll teach him to grow up a bit.

Yes, you're right, my son is 17 and is perfectly capable of cooking/baking but 9/10 times he just won't bother, the cereal/toast is a permanent fixture not for just a few nights. I don't do special single meals, I make mine because I try to eat well, he gets that too. What he does when he leaves home will be his look out but my hopes aren't high unfortunately.

He asked you to cook him something after dinner then laughed at you when you got angry? What an entitled little prick! What did your DH say? I know what my Dad would have said!

£100 a MONTH and he's complaining?! Does he have any idea how much food costs?

Yes, in a way you only have yourself to blame for enabling this behaviour for the past 10 years, but the good news is, 'your house, your rules' if he doesn't like it, he can bugger off out into the real world!

Don't rush into this. Have a think about what you want to happen, then tell him it's the way things are going to be. End of.

Start to get him to help more around the house and cook a couple of times a week. Your future daughter/son in law will love you more if you have 'trained' him to be self sufficient and not lazy/unable to look after himself. Teach him how to cook a few easy meals and give him some responsibility around the house.......tell him it's his job to clean the bathroom and hoover and show him how to do it once and if he won't double his rent.......he'll soon start helping if it affects his ££!

If you're cooking for his Dad, then offer him the vegetables from what you're making for his Dad.

Show him how to make a vegan sauce. Tell him to get online to learn what to make.

Dd clean eats (and its expensive) she buys her own food if she isnt eating what im cooking she works shifts though so she it depends but i have stopped worrying and they can eat whats there or make their own just because there has to be a time when we stop with the faffing about food

Yes, you're right, my son is 17 and is perfectly capable of cooking/baking but 9/10 times he just won't bother, the cereal/toast is a permanent fixture not for just a few nights. I don't do special single meals, I make mine because I try to eat well, he gets that too. What he does when he leaves home will be his look out but my hopes aren't high unfortunately.

If it makes you feel any better, I was the same at 17/18. My mum told me recently she was really surprised when I moved out - I managed a job, bills, feeding a family (ex-P had three DC) etc. with no issues at all, despite living on toast, cereal, popcorn and ready meals at home!

He will manage it - sometimes they need the shove of independence/no-one to fall back on to really grow up :)

Our 19yo dd also lives at home and pays rent. The deal is that on top of her rent she has to provide (buy, pay for and cook) one meal a week. This in our opinion is a very small ask, deliberately small because she is not in the best of health. Again, the small rent asked (similar to that of the OP) is because she is saving up for higher education and we want to help her with that, not because either we or she are clueless as to what her living costs would be like elsewhere.

We don't complain about her provision on her day of the week and she does not complain about what we provide the rest of the week. I do not check what she eats when she is working long shifts or otherwise not at home, none of my business. Her friends from school are all at uni and looking after themselves, the fact that she has a job instead doesn't make her a baby.

If she was an ordinary healthy young adult we would also be asking for a substantial amount of housework every week. (As it is, we have to recognise that if she was living along she probably wouldn't be able to do that much housework on top of her job)

It's all very well and good deciding to go vegan if you have your own chef! I'd do it lol
I was moved out and living with my fiancé at 21, married the next year. He is not a child anymore but you're facilitating him staying as one.
£100pm is very reasonable, may I ask what sort of ratio/% of his monthly income that is? If he's earning a decent wage he may see his hundred quid as very cushy and have no intentions of sorting himself out and will be happy to muddle along for quite a while.

I've got an empty nest now. but my kids always had chores eg, wash their own clothes, kitchen tidy etc if the cat or dog was theirs, they had to see to it's care and training/sewing buttons and basic sewing as well. and had to make their own lunches on the week ends. I love cooking. but I did expect them to leave and make their own lives

I grew up on a farm and altho the work was hard, I was a competent adult by the time I married at 20.

(((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) Smelley66. I'm glad to see you are going to lay down the law. Good wishes to you.

OP, can I come live with you?

at 16 I was living alone and would've bit your arm off to have a cheap room and food!

also, vegan food doesn't have to cost much. There are lots of cheap vegan spreads and I'm sure your usual one is probably vegan without you realising it. Lots of foods are. If he wants almond butter and milk he should be buying it himself.

When you do food shopping OP buy things like 'Pure' spread. Its vegan. Vitalite is also vegan and cheaper! Oat milk is cheaper than almond and you can actually make that yourself. Well your DS can! show him this blog so he can feed himself in a way that fits his own budget ohsheglows.com/2013/01/10/homemade-oat-milk-easy-fast-cheap/

Or even do a search on pinterest for some good meals.

He needs to learn sooner rather than later, having chosen a vegan diet, to cook so he can make sure he is eating the right amounts and taking B vitamin supplements if he isn't getting enough from his diet. Its so so easy to slip into a habit of convenience foods which are loaded with sugar, salt and fat. It's not limited to vegan diet btw but something I see so often when people switch to a restrictive diet and are left wondering what they hell to eat they opt for the easy solution.