Cooking for my 21 year old son!!!

[Smelley66]

I need advice please! Am I being unreasonable to get fed up cooking for my son? He comes home for his dinner from work and somehow (it's my fault) I've found myself getting his lunch ready, I also do his evening dinner with his Dad's. He's just turned vegan, which has made the whole thing even more hassle as his dad eats meat. I'm a veggy myself, so I don't mind doing some vegan dinners for us. But i feel my whole life is about cooking! I'm 50 this year, surely I should be having more freedom?

This is ridiculous!

I know more twenty-somethings are living at home with their parents because renting costs are so high, but parents need to grow a backbone and not make it so cosy, or they'll never leave home! Perhaps that's what some parents want but you're not doing them a favour in the long run.

If I was in this situation I would be expecting the offspring to shop and cook for me a couple of times a week, do their share of the housework and contribute at least enough to cover their share of the bills. On top of that I'd be asking for a few hundred pounds a month 'rent' (maybe 50% of what it would be costing them to rent their own place) which I would put into a savings account to try to save up some money for them so that they can bugger off to their own place as soon as possible.

*If it makes you feel any better, I was the same at 17/18. My mum told me recently she was really surprised when I moved out - I managed a job, bills, feeding a family (ex-P had three DC) etc. with no issues at all, despite living on toast, cereal, popcorn and ready meals at home!

He will manage it - sometimes they need the shove of independence/no-one to fall back on to really grow up smile*

Thank you, this gives me some hope.

£100 a month is frankly taking the P if someone's working and earning
anything like reasonable money. I charged dds £200 a month once they were properly earning - this was ages ago now and even then it was a lot less than they'd have had to pay in a flatshare. They didn't object at all or think it unfair. I really don't think it does them any favours to fail to learn that a roof over your head, heating, hot water, and a fridge full of food, don't come for peanuts.

As for the cooking, point him at a cookery book. He can get one from the library if he doesn't want to shell out!

This is mumsnet op but happy to help

Do you remember the post by the new mum with the manchild of a husband a few days ago? He was having a strop and some over dinner not being gourmet and not on the table for when he came home, how he was behaving was abusive. Don't let your son become that man, it might seem cruel now, but in the long run it will help him be a better person (it's not just about food, his attitude towards you is bad to start with). Good luck!

Also I have looked after myself since I was 20 when I moved out and I had a baby just gone 23.

So you're cooking three meals for 3 people?? Wow. You are more tolerant than I am. Does your husband cook at all?

I wouldn't even buy a vegan cookbook for your ds. Point him to the internet.

He laughed at you? He moans about paying £100 rent for all meals and bed and board? His attitude stinks. He needs a reality check. Sit him down, tell him just how much it costs to keep a roof over his entitled, lazy head, then give him a list of chores and tell him he;s cooking for himself.

Or tell him to sling his hook.

Doesn't sound like he respects you at all.

He will thank you in the long run - and his girlfriend/wife will too. What message are you giving him? That you're a skivvy, there to run after him and be taken advantage of. :(

Thank you ladies!! I've been kicked into action haha, you're just what I needed 😘

my step-Mum is still cooking for her son (and doing all the washing and cleaning etc) for her 29 year old son - who will never leave home until he co-habits, I mean why would he?

He's going to be one of these nightmare partner/boyfriends that does fuck all at home as his Mum enabled him, and "did" for him his entire life.

sorry but youre not doing him any favours

same thing happend with my sister she was cooked for even snacks and was a spoilt brat-it was only when our mum died did things change and she was very shocked

just stop cooking him meals or doing anything for him personaly and he'll thank you for it

maybe one day

One more thing, I'm not making excuses for myself or him (well maybe slightly). But I think a lot of my mollycoddling him is because he's always been seriously underweight (yes he's had tests etc) and I think that's affected his confidence. So I've always felt responsible for feeding him, he's put weight on now and looks good. And this is probably why he's being so cocky!

I can recommend the "Thug Kitchen: eat like you give a fuck" vegan cookbook. It's very sweary, but has a lot of simple recipes.

Also your son is treating you like a muppet- have a word!

He will thank you in the long run - and his girlfriend/wife will too. What message are you giving him? That you're a skivvy, there to run after him and be taken advantage of. sad

I see this statement often on MN and I think it's a fallacy. I did virtually no chores when I was at home and have always been very self sufficient after leaving home. I think it just depends on the person, whether male or female.

I am not a short order cook This. And nor is DH. In our house one meal is served and everyone chooses whether to eat or not. There's no alternative provided though fruit is always available. DC are 12, 9 and 6. They all seem to be surviving,

Netmums was the only thing I could think of for help

Apparently not ...

£100 covers his share of the bills and that's it.
He should be providing his own grub... Give him a shelf and let him figure it out..he won't starve.
I have three boys (teens) and do one dinner. That's it. I plate it and if one is working they can microwave it or not. Or cook something else.

I cook for my 20 and 18 year old sons in the evening (although, to be fair, they both have some mild sn's) but they eat what I cook or a slight variation on it. I don't do breakfasts or lunches but provide the food. They each give me £120 a month and do hoovering, unloading the dishwasher and entertaining ds3 (9). They are also completely responsible for their own rooms.

Vulcan, it may be a fallacy in the sense that people who have not learnt to cook/do housework at home can perfectly easily learn elsewhere. Of course they can.

But there is a risk that a man who lives at home until he moves in with another woman and who has had all his adult needs looked after by a female (his mother) will not see the need to change when he transfers to another female. At the very least, his girlfriend will then have the hassle of making it clear to him why this is unacceptable- a tiresome and stressful job that she should not have to do!

Adult men (and women) living at home with their mothers is becoming increasingly common these days due to house prices. This probably means that quite a few young people will never go through that transition period when learn to be self reliant without other people suffering from the results. So there will be more frustrated girlfriends who do not get the hands-on input you need as one part of a modern household.

I moved from home when I was 18. My dd can't afford to.

i wouldn't bother buying a cook-book. i bought them for my oldest 2 when they went to uni and they never used them - they all google for recipes.

i have 3 boys and they tell me if they want dinner and they have the same as everyone else. otherwise they make their own and clear up after themselves

I was working at 18, still living at home and was then a vegetarian. I'd come home from work and cook my own meals. No biggie.

My DSs can use the Hoover and washing machine and do their own cleaning. They're teenagers. I do cook for them because I'm here and it's easier to do 5+ meals.

I think it depends how long an adult stays at home. I had a brief relationship with a man in his early 40s who was living with his father. Although he had done the traveling thing after uni, he had definitely reverted to being dependant. His Dad did everything in the house.

One week his dad was away on holiday and my bf was saying how busy he was as he had 'chores' he needed to do that day. I asked 'what needs doing'? 'Oh, it's bin day tomorrow so I need to put the bins out'. This tiny task was a big deal to him because he never had to do it usually.

After 2 months of me cooking for him at my place (and him not thanking me, and critiquing my food, never turning up with a bottle of wine) I suggested he might like to cook. Oh my god the drama of it! He made sure I had to be involved every step of the way. 'Where's this, where's that, how do you use this peeler'.

He was a really nice and kind chap, he just had never grown up and didn't appreciate things like a meal being cooked for him because it was the absolute norm for him to have everything done for him.

If I was 21 again (I wish) and dating a 21 year old guy I'd be mortified if he came home from work expecting his mum to cook for him. You're doing his future partner no favours. It's high time he looked after himself!

Last year I dated a 26 year old man. Twenty six. Because his parents had always done everything for him he didn't know how to cook, he barely cleaned up after himself, he felt it was perfectly acceptable to ask me, his friends and mother constantly for money and didn't even feel rude about asking. He was extremely lazy and I dread to think what would happen to him if he lived in a place on his own because yes, he still lived with his father. He even would ask his dad to collect him from my house at midnight sometimes!! I obviously couldn't handle the idea of a man in his mid twenties not being able to care for himself and for various other reasons (he just was not a very nice man at all...) it ended.

I, on the other hand, left home at 16 so have fended for myself ever since. I can't wrap my head around anyone over the age of 16 still expecting their parents to run around after them. Not when I've self taught myself everything and know that just about anyone is capable of doing the same.

You are enabling him to grow up lazy. What will happen when he lives alone? Will he still be bringing you his laundry? Popping in for dinner when he can't be arsed cooking? Or get himself a partner that does everything for him? It's not cool, not at all and it isn't attractive to prospective partners either!

YANBU.