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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dad thinks he should move in, hubby says no

76 replies

Achingallover · 15/05/2016 23:15

Dad is getting older and more infirm and dropping hints about moving in so I can look after him. Hubby is clear and says absolutely not. Dad is a depressive, is very cantankerous and is very dirty about the place, hubby is a neat freak and dislikes my dad. To tell dad no is going to be very difficult and activates my guilt chip seriously ! Any advice?

OP posts:

Pinkheart5915 · 15/05/2016 23:19

What do you want? You've said what your dad and dh would want but what about you?

It is a big commitment to care for somebody? Think how it will impact on your life.
Do you have children, if you do how would it effect them?

Would your dad look at supported housing? Might be an idea

Don't let yourself be guilt tripped by anybody!

Littlefish · 15/05/2016 23:20

You need to look at possible alternative arrangements for your dad. You simply cannot move your dad in without discussing it fully with your dh and taking his feelings into consideration. In my opinion, you cannot move your dad in unless you have reached agreement with your dh.

It sounds very difficult for you.

PurpleDaisies · 15/05/2016 23:21

What do you want to do? You've got everyone else's viewpoint there but yours.

VimFuego101 · 15/05/2016 23:21

It sounds like a recipe for disaster. You're already aware of the issues that will come up. Can you help your dad find sheltered accommodation?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/05/2016 23:21

This is a very important conversation to have and DH and I have had it early. I wouldn't live with his DF. It would be disaster for me, not great for DH and not good for DD. In your case it also sounds like a recipe for disaster...

Lovepancakes · 15/05/2016 23:22

Could he move nearer or next door so you can pop in every day?! I think you have to listen to your DH as it would only work if he is supportive of it and it's too much to ask if he isn't. But if your dad can be separate but as close as possible that would seem better? Or how far is he now?

fiddlewifey · 15/05/2016 23:26

Good luck OP. It's a very difficult situation. But you've got to protect your own family unit. Don't feel guilty... You will ...

Get advice from Age UK, and ensure that he has a care needs assessment.

Rainuntilseptember · 15/05/2016 23:26

What age is he? "Getting older" could mean 60 or 90!

MiddleClassProblem · 15/05/2016 23:26

I wouldn't want DH uncomfortable in his own home. I would look into all the options, even building an annex at the bottom of the garden if we had the money and if that would balance long term if he need extra care etc as he got older. There are some retirement villages which are half way house if he is a property owner, he would sell and buy there, some have a bar etc too

clam · 15/05/2016 23:31

He wants to move in so you can look after him? Do you want to do that?

And even if you do, you simply cannot move him in if your husband isn't on board with the idea. Think how you'd feel if he did the same thing.

nonicknameseemsavailable · 15/05/2016 23:40

having been a carer for a parent and hubby as a carer for one of his parents (neither live/d with us but both very nearby) it is a massive undertaking and even if you go into it with your eyes open it can cause so much upheaval and resentment amongst family members as well as being incredibly exhausting both physically and emotionally.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/05/2016 23:50

Well I wouldn't want someone dirty and cantankerous that I disliked moving into my home, so I'm with your husband on that.

glassgarden · 15/05/2016 23:54

is your Dad open to other options?

BackforGood · 15/05/2016 23:55

My advice is to be pro-active in looking for ways to offer him support, without there being a possibility of him moving into yours, and your dh's home.
Support going into his current home, or moving to sheltered accommodation or just a smaller (and more local?) place, or residential care? (Difficult to know without knowing what his needs are). But if you start looking into what's realistic and feasible locally to you, then you can be positive and proactive about the next phase of your Dad's life, without it turning into a "No, I can't help you" type of guilt trip, as you will be helping him.

grumpysquash3 · 15/05/2016 23:59

Yikes!

Why does your dad think he 'should' move in?
Do you want him to?
Are you planning to care for him in his old age?
I think you should very definitely discuss this in detail with DH - it's not something to take on lightly, especially if one person doesn't want it.
I would not entertain the idea of FIL moving in. Absolutely not. But it would be trickier if DH really wanted him to....

grumpysquash3 · 16/05/2016 00:00

Also, how big is your house? Could he live reasonably independently, if he came? Or would he be in the spare room and sharing the bathroom?

LisaMed · 16/05/2016 00:23

My DH got on better with my late father than I did. Father did move in with us, and was amazingly easy going and it worked out surprisingly well.

But it really takes a toll. It really does. I wouldn't change it, father enriched us all, but it was hard sometimes. There were endless compromises about what was on tv, what food we ate, holidays, heating, etc and endless spoiling of ds who was the only grandchild. He also introduced the evil cat to dreamies, which led to its own challenges as dreamies are crack cocaine to cats.

I would really, really, really suggest against it unless it works for everyone. It is vital that if you are guilt tripped into this, and if your husband doesn't walk out, that your father has his own space, his own tv (with sky multiroom if necessary) and that he will respect you and your husband having nights together without him. You need to be able to lay down house rules and be confident he will obey them. You need to know that you will be fine spending all your time with him.

I would suggest finding sheltered accommodation otherwise it sounds like you could kiss goodbye to your marriage.

Original poster

Achingallover · 16/05/2016 00:38

He's 76. And needs two knee replacements and has poor balance, memory issues and a lack of awareness socially and hygenically. He is lonely, negative and keeps talking about my mums death, three years ago, which hurts and is emotionally draining on me. So, truth be told, no I don't want him here. My biggest concern is my own ability to cope with that. He keeps saying, you're not going to see your old dad go into a care home are you? I just keep saying, let's talk about that closer to the time. DH says I need to make it clear now, but dad is fragile and will see it as rejection. Age concern have put a fall alarm into the house and have moved his bed downstairs. House is big enough, but yes he would be in spare room.

OP posts:

LisaMed · 16/05/2016 00:45

I would say that if there is anyway that you can avoid him moving in, then do so. It is so hard, I can't tell you that enough, and I would say father living with us was a success.

Do you have children? How will they be affected? What sort of coping mechanisms will be there for you if/when he gets worse? When he is recovering from surgery? When he needs help to use the bathroom? Are there any siblings that can help share the load? Would he be downstairs in your home and is there a downstairs bathroom? Do you already help with cleaning/washing his home or do you think a cleaner/home help would be a good idea (if there is funds).

Sheltered accommodation may be a better bet. Especially if you visit him.

Original poster

Achingallover · 16/05/2016 01:02

Currently he lives 200 miles away. Hubby has suggested he sell his house and move into the village and live nearby, so I could go visit him daily and we take it from there ....

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/05/2016 01:02

I just keep saying, let's talk about that closer to the time. OK so you don't want him to move in, your DH doesn't either and you're lying to your father to try to spare his feelings? He's 76 and not improving so in order for him to make decisions about his own care and well-being, he needs to know what is and what is not an option. If he thinks you are an option, he will not adjust to and start thinking about, his ongoing care.

Talk to social services, find out what his options are, then talk to him. Honestly and with care and love.

Original poster

Achingallover · 16/05/2016 01:03

I have no children and no siblings.

OP posts:

MidniteScribbler · 16/05/2016 01:15

You've said your father is difficult and not very clean. Is he someone that you would choose for a room mate if you were looking for somewhere to live? Even taking away the care aspects, if he is not someone you would choose to live with in other circumstances, then he's not going to be right to move in to your home.

I think selling up and moving in to supported accommodation close to you is a fair compromise. Do not allow him to guilt trip you, he has absolutely no right to do this. "You wouldn't see your dad in a home, would you?" is a guilt trip, and not one that he has any right to. Families should support each other, but there is no requirement that an adult child become a carer to their parent when there are perfectly acceptable other care options available to them. Taking on the care of an elderly relative is a big decision, and unless everyone in the house is on board, then it just can't happen.

And I say this as a carer to an elderly relative that lives with me. I'm ok with it, but it is a lot of extra work, and it's another person in your house. I never get to watch my own big TV in the living room because she is always watching her shows, and I'm relegated to my bedroom tv. Just sometimes I'd like to slob in front of the couch by myself. She's a lot messier than me, and it's something I've had to just try and deal with. I do wish I had tried to encourage her in to a retirement village that is nearby so we could have the best of both worlds. That's with me being single, I would never have done it if I had a partner and they weren't on board with it.

paxillin · 16/05/2016 01:22

Your dh's suggestion sounds more sensible. You don't want him in your house either, he doesn't get on with your dh. He is cantancerous and dirty. It is extremely hard and puts a strain on marriages to look after somebody who you really love, who is sweet tempered and has no hygiene issues.

Thymeout · 16/05/2016 07:28

No - you absolutely can't do this if your dh is unhappy about it.

And I think you need to look ahead. He is infirm now and will get worse. There will come a time when you won't be able to cope and it will be far more traumatic to moved him out than have a difficult conversation now.

I agree with pps. Even if you get on well with the relative, full-time elder care is unbelievably stressful and exhausting. Your dh's plan is a much better solution and you will be doing your df no favours by making a commitment that you will not be able to keep.

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