Dad thinks he should move in, hubby says no

[Achingallover]

Dad is getting older and more infirm and dropping hints about moving in so I can look after him. Hubby is clear and says absolutely not. Dad is a depressive, is very cantankerous and is very dirty about the place, hubby is a neat freak and dislikes my dad. To tell dad no is going to be very difficult and activates my guilt chip seriously ! Any advice?

If your dad is saying things like " you're not going to see your old dad go into a care home are you?" then you need to be clear with him that he will not be moving in but that you would be prepared to help him move closer and into a place where he could have carers come in to help him if he needed more support.

Your husbands suggestion sounds sensible , I assume that your spare room is upstairs and if he already needs downstairs living then you would be looking at stairlifts etc - much more sensible to find a sheltered flat / bungalow nearby .

It's also entirely possible that he could be living with you for another 20 years...

If your dad is guilt tripping you now think what will happen if he moved in. He will continue to guilt trip you if he doesn't get his own way and make you feel like the baddy all the time. Best option is to get him somewhere close to you so you can keep an eye on him.

It seems to me that in your feelings of guilt, you would rather lay the responsibility on your dh for this decision- but the truth of it is both of you can see why this would be a bad idea. If you are going to take him in you need to consider that it will be far, far harder later on to move him into a home: you will be expected to fill the job of 24/hr staff without a purpose built house or any of the equipment that spares their backs and knees to some extent.

My MIL is an absolutely lovely woman who would never be irksome to anyone, really one of the most lovable people I have ever met. But both my SIL and I refused to take her in under similar circumstances, because there was simply no way we could keep her safe in an ordinary family home. As long as she could cope without equipment she could live in her own house, the day she couldn't she needed far more than our houses could offer. She has been well looked after for the last 10 years: if we had given way she would almost certainly be dead now and one of us would bear the responsibility.

Giving your feelings about him I agree with your dp and be very clear now that this won't happen. Then look at other options with him.

I've had siblings suggest to me that my aging mother should buy a house with me, I have said no way straight away. As much as I love her she has massive mood swings and then indulges in every passive aggressive controlling technique available. Last time she visited for a bbq she was surprisingly good but still her response to someone saying lovely about her grandchildren was "but their parents all do things differently from me so I MUST have got it all wrong and did a terrible job raising my children." It's draining and living with her would be a soul sucking hell. Funily enough it makes sense why she has such an attitude about my sils. In her head mothers are 90% responsible for child rearing and she obviously takes it as a personal insult if they don't do things the same way. She would end up hating it as much as me.

Do you work? Would he then expect you to give up work as he gets older? Your father may be fairly independent at the moment but what happens when he needs care during the day. Is he the þype of person now who would chip in when he can. Or would you be doing all his washing, cooking, clearing up etc even if he is capable of some?

I do not think that you should bring your father into your home. Growing up we shared a house with my grandparents, and whilst all the adults were reasonable people it became a very difficult situation for my Mum, who was constantly caught between supporting her husband or her parents. It took her years to recover. If your father sold his property would you consider pooling resources, and moving to something with a totally self contained annexe? He could still have outside care coming in, but you would be on hand to give a little extra company and a quick check a couple of times a day to see that he is ok, which might make you and your Dad feel that you are fulfilling your side of things? Would have to have VERY firm rules to make sure he doesn't encroach on your home life though.

This is a very difficult situation for you, because you're damned if you do and damnedif you don't!
Think about the detrimental effect, your dad moving in, would have on the household, think about the extra work involved for you and think about how your DH would feel if you go against his express wishes, and finally think about the guilt you'll feel if you refuse....then weigh the two scenarios up! Deciding which one be harder for you to live with will give you the answer!

Going round the houses is irrelevant. The fact your husband says no is all you need here. The partner wanting to keep the status quo should have the choice, like couples where one wants another child and one doesn't. It's not even as if you want him to anyway. You do need to tell him so, though.

I don't think you should move your dad in. He's trying to make you feel guilty, and that's just not fair. Your h has said how he feels about it, and it wouldn't be fair to him either. It just wouldn't work. it would be hard enough to make that situation work even if everyone was positive about it from the start.

But I would look at care homes or assisted living complexes by you - your dad sounds like he's frail and needs help, and this will only get worse as he gets older. Much better to do it now than wait until there's a crisis, as it can take time to look round homes, find a suitable one that meets his needs and has places, to sell his house, dispose of his belongings, etc.

Good luck.

I think you should research sheltered housing and bungalows close to where you live. Get brochures etc, then show them all to your dad.

I'm 100% with your H on this. There are lots of alternatives in between care homes and your dad in your home.

If he hasn't even got home carers coming in he's. Nowhere near the point of going into a home.

I suspect from what you say that if you move your dad in then your marriage won't survive long after.

Your DF is only 76, I think in the same circumstances I would get my DF to move closer to me but encourage him to build up his own social life. My dad is also 76 and has recently joined U3A, he is having a blast. It is full of people the same age and he has found lots of different groups of like minded people.

If he's got memory issues (possible dementia?) then I would say think VERY carefully - and then don't do it. Dementia can get worse quite quickly and can be horrendous and utterly exhausting to care for. I am speaking from experience, and know of many others who have had a parent move in, and subsequently found they just couldn't cope. It's almost impossible to realise how hard it can be until you're living with it. Many, including us, have blithely thought they'd be able to cope, only to find out the very hard way.

Another thing to bear in mind in such circs is that if someone is actually living with you, social services can be a lot slower to provide any practical help, even if you are on your knees, because obviously they know that you are conveniently there and are not going to move out of your own home.

I would certainly investigate any assisted-living type places he might be eligible for.

Having said all that, if your dad is already cantankerous and difficult, even without dementia, and your dh is firmly set against having him, I would think very carefully. Such situations can put a huge strain on a marriage.

Whatever not-moving-in-with-you solution seems best, do it as soon as possible, before it becomes urgent. It's difficult for elderly people to get used to a new status quo and the new setup is much more likely to fail if you wait till the old setup (i.e. him living independently 200 miles away) is no longer working before you try it.

A small flat or bungalow near you where you can visit regularly, possibly also arranging some paid-for personal care, sounds a lot more sensible than him moving with you.

Does he have any idea how much of a burden he would be, that he is very unpleasant company?

He keeps saying, you're not going to see your old dad go into a care home are you?

When was he last in a care home?
Some of them these days are quite good with all sorts of facilities. Get him to see one and that might quell his fears about Victorian institutions.
Times have moved on.

Sheltered flat? It's a good stepping stone to a care home. And don't be guilt-tripped about a care home either - the staff are trained and have the right equipment, you almost certainly aren't and don't. The fact that you don't have kids doesn't mean you don't have a right to your own life.

Re pooling resources and having an annexe, this may work fine unless there's dementia. A person with dementia will simply be unable to remember that they must not be in and out every five minutes, or phoning you umpteen times a day because they have forgotten how to work the TV remote.

Also, if the person ultimately does need a care home (when 24/7 care becomes necessary) then the fact that some of that person's assets have been used to extend or buy a bigger home for the family, may be seen as 'deprivation of assets'
If councils ultimately need to be footing the bill they can be very eagle eyed on deprivation of assets. Whether it has been done deliberately or not.

Having a parent move in is a huge thing to consider and all parties need to be on board. It can be incredibly stressful and place stress on previously good relationships. Based on how you've described your husband I'd say don't do it- your husband is clear he doesn't want it and you know and understand the reason why. You can already see areas of conflict and it doesn't sound as though these could be resolved (it isn't realistic to expect either your father or husband to change the habits of a life time). Guilt now is short term pain but to move him in without your husband being fully on bored could cause irreparable damage to both ratipnships.

Furthermore, living with someone with depression full time can be very draining.
Could your father move closer to you but in his own home?

Move him in to a house nearby or by a new house with an annexe . Then get carers in regularly . I presume he has money if he has a house to sell then use that . My dad was ill for a good few years before he died and it was a massive strain on all of us . We paid carers to come in 3 X a day on top of what we did . Don't commit to it unless you are really really sure you can cope and it won't affect your marriage 😁.

Your DH's suggestion is the best possible in the circumstances, OP. I think you would have to be prepared to give up your time to help your father find a property near you and help him to move and then accept you will have to visit him daily but also get extra help for him as you find he needs it. But this will be a thousand times better than having him move in with you and should also assuage your guilt somewhat. (I write with extremely long-distance experience of a demented, lonely, depressed, guilt-tripping parent.)
Good luck, I hope it all works out for you all.

Vicious circles- dirty and cantankerous, because he cant bath /shower independently any more and he gets frustrated? Multiply that by all the other things he finds difficult......

Get him moved to near you in supported living, take over such as his laundry/bill paying and shopping etc if needs be, but keep your own spaces.

I agree, the best possible solution is to get him to move to his own place in daily visiting distance.