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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad thinks he should move in, hubby says no

76 replies

Achingallover · 15/05/2016 23:15

Dad is getting older and more infirm and dropping hints about moving in so I can look after him. Hubby is clear and says absolutely not. Dad is a depressive, is very cantankerous and is very dirty about the place, hubby is a neat freak and dislikes my dad. To tell dad no is going to be very difficult and activates my guilt chip seriously ! Any advice?

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 16/05/2016 09:08

Your DH absolutely can say no if he is unhappy with it. Its his home.

You need to find another solution. Moving your Dad close by sounds much more sensible.

MatildaTheCat · 16/05/2016 09:19

Lots of sensible suggestions here. It is best for older people with memory issues to keep changes to a minimum so research the options and look towards the longer term before deciding. A sheltered environment with additional care available might be best.

Re the decision on whether he comes to live with you and dh: who do you prefer to live with, because I cannot see your dh sticking around if DF comes to live with you? It would be a very unreasonable thing to do.

Just tell dad, no, you won't be able to live with us but we will find a good solution for you.

notquitegrownup2 · 16/05/2016 09:23

Your husband sounds v. sensible and sympathetic. Yy to a house, or sheltered accommodation nearby where you can support your dad but have a bolt hole to return to, to keep you sane too.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 16/05/2016 09:24

Don't move him in. Maybe a sheltered flat close to you would be best?
I know friends who say their fathers are extremely happy in theirs. Mind you they are in a very high end one that must have cost a fortune.

glassgarden · 16/05/2016 09:29

The fact that you don't have kids doesn't mean you don't have a right to your own life
Indeed!

I wonder if he sees a woman without a caring role as someone with a vacancy which he is entitled to fill....'women are there to care for other people, that one's not doing anything, she can look after me'

KitKat1985 · 16/05/2016 09:31

I think your husband's suggestion is sensible. Can your Dad move into some form of supported accommodation near to where you live? I think that would be more practical.

Zaurak · 16/05/2016 09:40

Sheltered housing.

The problem with planning for the care of elderly rellies is that there's no point just reacting - you need to be proactive. If you move him in and he deteriorates to the point he needs actual nursing care... Then what? Will you give up your job if he can't be left alone?
The most future proofed solution that's best for him is sheltered housing close to you with daily carers visits. Put it to him as what's best for him - you cannot provide quality care to someone who needs help with personal care and possibly dementia. You can't - it's a full time job for a team, not one person who has a job and a house.
Sheltered housing in a nice retirement complex nearby

LittleBearPad · 16/05/2016 09:40

Your DH's suggestion is good. You need to have the conversation with your dad and stop putting it off.

Rainbowshine · 16/05/2016 09:52

Zaurak is right - he needs professional care and you cannot provide that in your home, you're not a professional cater and your home isn't a professional care setting. Remember a different solution would be best for your dad, when he's laying on a guilt trip. The fact that caring for him would also be bad for you and DH is then irrelevant, this is about him having the best solution for his needs.

fiddlewifey · 16/05/2016 10:30

What GettingLikeMyMother said. All of it. I've been there with my dad.

As others have also pointed out, local SS are much slower to act if elderly parent lives with carer.

Your husband's suggestion is a very good one.

Good luck OP

CPtart · 16/05/2016 10:48

Do not do it! Your husband's needs and wants take priority over your dad's. Ignore the guilt, older people are very good at that IME. Often they just simply don't want to pay for help, even when money isn't an issue.
My DM had responsibility for my grandma for 2 years, and she didn't even live with her, yet my DM ended up on anti-depressants and blood pressure medication with the stress of it all. My aunt took in my other grandmother when she was struggling at home....they lasted six months then she moved to sheltered accommodation for the sake of salvaging relationships.
Mental and physical decline can be very slow. People now live regularly into their 90's. As long as your DH says no however, there really is no further discussion to be had.

StrangeLookingParasite · 16/05/2016 18:56

I think what glassgarden said is really true: I wonder if he sees a woman without a caring role as someone with a vacancy which he is entitled to fill....'women are there to care for other people, that one's not doing anything, she can look after me'

TheNaze73 · 16/05/2016 20:32

I agree with your husband

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 16/05/2016 22:19

Just wondering, OP, was your dad always on the dirty side, or is it a recent thing? One of the things that finally made me realise that there was something really wrong with FIL was when I called to see him (he'd forgotten I was coming) and he was unshaven and wearing a dirty jumper. Such things were unheard of before. And when I went upstairs I could see that he hadn't changed his sheets for God knows how long. He'd done some weird things before, like putting tins of soup in the freezer, but we hadn't twigged - had put them down to his innate somewhat stubborn streak.

Original poster
Achingallover · 16/05/2016 23:03

He's always been careless and a dirty bugger, it's just my mum went behind him cleaning and saying nothing. He always misses the toilet and does things like leave the cat litter tray on the hob with dirty litter spilt over counter tops as he changes it or splatters poo over the toilet seat and doesn't clean it, balances plates on top of glasses for the dog to knock over and then not bother cleaning up spillages etc, leaves snot rags everywhere for the dogs to rip apart etc . He can't get in and out of the bath, and sits on a stool in the shower. At home he has a bath lift and stair lift and grab rails, which were originally for my mum. He still drives, just about, but is starting to forget things, eg, left door open last night so battery was flat this morning.

OP posts:
PoshPenny · 16/05/2016 23:08

Your husbands suggestion is an excellent one. Most importantly it is not putting him in a care home.

OnGoldenPond · 17/05/2016 01:41

I really don't understand why a care home is seen as such a dire option. The good ones offer good compassionate care and lots of interesting activities and are much better for an elderly person than being permanently stuck at home with only an exhausted carer for company.

My recently departed DF suffered from Parkinson's and dementia. He and DM were living abroad when he was diagnosed and DM soldiered on for several years as his carer despite having her own health problems. I didn't realise how exhausting this was until I spent 2 weeks as his carer while DM was in hospital having an op. It was honestly the worst two weeks of my life! Due to the dementia he was awake all night roaming the house and banging on my door telling me we would be late for the bus. I would never advise anyone to try to look after a dementia patient in the home, it is simply a never ending grind.

After that episode I managed to persuade mum to bring him back to the UK where he was admitted to a lovely nursing home. He was so much happier there as there was always someone to talk to and plenty of people to deal with his complex needs. He was cared for there to the end of his life and we will always be so grateful for the wonderful care he received in his last days.

Do not let your DF guilt trip you! Being a carer is a massive undertaking and may well not be the best option for him especially if you are barely coping.

StarryIllusion · 17/05/2016 10:23

Frankly I would be lying through my teeth to spare his feelings but he would not be moving in.

I would say it isn't practical as spare room and bathroom are upstairs and the staircase isn't wide enough for a lift. I would say we were considering trying for a baby and there wouldn't be room. Def point out that he and dh don't get along. I would say you had neighbours with new baby /loud music/complete and lengthy renovation of entire house or insert something noisy and guaranteed to put him off/ drive him mad in here.

Honestly I don't blame you, I get on with both my parents and they are both much tidier than me but I wouldn't want them to live with me. Besides care homes aren't dreadful. My nan lived in warden assisted and loved it. They had xmas parties and bingo nights, she had more of a social life than we did!

Original poster
Achingallover · 17/05/2016 10:34

Thankyou everybody so much for your responses. I'm new to all this. Can someone explain what is the difference between sheltered accommodation and care homes please? Also what type of thing could social services provide if he lived near me? I know of meals on wheels and that's about it. Lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Achingallover · 17/05/2016 10:39

Thankyou everyone for being so understanding and sensitive too. You have made me feel very supported and less anxious, it's horrible when you see a loved one suffering.

OP posts:
SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 17/05/2016 10:42

Sheltered accommodation is their own flat/apartment with emergency cords in all rooms and an in house warden to respond if needed.

Care home would be more appropriate if he did have dementia, as they have full time nursing care and it's more of a looked after situation.

Gazelda · 17/05/2016 10:46

From my experience, sheltered housing is where a person lives independently in their own home, but it is a complex/block of flat/estate where others in similar situations live and there is support via a 'warden' or estate manager. They flats are generally equipped with facilities such as pull cords connected to a careline, accessible baths etc. Often there are communal areas such as laundry rooms and lounges where residents can get together for a coffee morning, play cards, etc.

A care home is a house where each resident has their own bedroom but they share communal lounges, dining area etc. Care is on site 24/7 and the level of support (and cost) is higher than in sheltered housing.

VioletSunshine · 17/05/2016 11:06

If he's got memory issues (possible dementia?) then I would say think VERY carefully - and then don't do it. Dementia can get worse quite quickly and can be horrendous and utterly exhausting to care for. I am speaking from experience, and know of many others who have had a parent move in, and subsequently found they just couldn't cope. It's almost impossible to realise how hard it can be until you're living with it. Many, including us, have blithely thought they'd be able to cope, only to find out the very hard way.

Definitely this. Gramps went from being forgetful and unable to drive, to not knowing who anyone was, doubly incontinent, and incredibly withdrawn (and has only gotten worse from there) in the space of the time it takes to get and recover from a urine infection.

My grandma cares for him and it is such a strain on her. We do help where we can, but she will end up applying to have carers come in when she really can't cope on herself. My nan already has carers helping out 4 times a day because she's still with it in terms of her personality and wants, but really cannot take care of herself. I ended up staying with her overnight one time because my sis had found she'd taken all of her meds at some point and she didn't even realise she'd done it.

Your dad may be lonely too, which could be why he wants to move in with you. An alternative to that may be sheltered accommodation (?) + having carers to assist him at key times of the day because of his physical and memory issues. He would still have his independence, but he would also be around other people.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/05/2016 14:24

Call social services. They will know the options in your area. They may also really want you to care for him because money is tight but don't be fobbed off. Also, call his GP, he shouldn't be driving.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 17/05/2016 16:42

A word of warning, but if you want to move him to your area you need to do so whilst he's still capable of independent living. A family friend retired to the coast and wanted to be back near family when she was looking at care homes but social services would not accept her whilst she was outside of their area. She ended up moving in with her daughter's family on a "temporary" basis and then social services refused to move her for nearly 3 years. It was a very tricky situation all in.