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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mum went too far

79 replies

Justmeagain78 · 02/05/2016 06:04

Had friends and family round for our anniversary and a topical subject was brought up, one that's been on the news a lot lately. My mum got very emotional about her view about it. I am leaning towards the opposing view but I always like to hear both sides so I asked her a genuine question to explain her position better to me.

She flew at me in front of everyone yelling about how I'm young and ignorant (38!) and don't know what I'm talking about, how she didn't raise me like that etc etc, behaving as if I'm an idiot and that she's ashamed of me just because my views don't reflect hers. She was so aggressive and personal that she left me shaking and crying in front of everyone. She didn't even answer my question. My dh says I should stay out of politics and forget it happened but I hate her for doing that to me. She should have more respect and be able to cope with someone challenging her view without shouting them down. She always treats me like a child but Aibu to think she went too far?

OP posts:

icklekid · 02/05/2016 06:07

YANBU of course she went to far however I think your Dad was saying she's unlikely to change so probably not worth bringing up political issues in the future as will probably get a repeat performance

longdiling · 02/05/2016 06:14

Yes, on the face of it that sounds like a ridiculous over reaction and I'm not surprised you're upset. But what did you ask her?

Original poster

Justmeagain78 · 02/05/2016 06:20

Asked her how the current medial staff (not just doctors) are going to be stretched to allow routine procedures to be carried out at weekends without staff being overworked and/or weekday services being compromised.

OP posts:

mediocreHaired · 02/05/2016 06:21

You haven't given enough details really to make a sound judgement.

It does sound like your mother over-reacted.

Your husband was right insomuch as politics, religion and money never make good conversation topics at parties. As the hostess you should have steered the conversation away from it and bitten your tongue.

mediocreHaired · 02/05/2016 06:23

x-post.

My points still stand though.

Original poster

Justmeagain78 · 02/05/2016 06:27

She started off the discussion saying this generation (gesturing to me) don't have a clue about anything. That's what I was responding to.

OP posts:

wheresthel1ght · 02/05/2016 06:30

Does she work in the medical profession? Because it sounds like a massive over reaction. I can only think she does and it is emotive or she was drunk?

But Yanbu to be upset by her behaviour. She acted disgracefully especially in front of your friends and family. I would perhaps avoid these sorts of topics on future. But I also wouldn't be having anything to do with her until she apologises. The only one acting like an ignorant child was her.

congrats on you anniversary!

whattheseithakasmean · 02/05/2016 06:33

Look, I survived the Scottish referendum, with family members with strong opinions on either side, by never, ever allowing it to be discussed at family events. If it strayed that way, my DH or I would shut it down. Politics are not worth falling out with your nearest and dearest over. Let the dust settle, hug your mum, then put it behind you with an 'agree to differ'. Seriously, Scotland was put through the mill with this shit, you cannot let rank politicians spoil a happy family gathering.

Original poster

Justmeagain78 · 02/05/2016 06:34

She's an occupational nurse who used to work in a hospital many years ago. She thinks the doctors are disgusting and lazy and putting people's health at risk out of greed. Yes she had had a couple of glasses maybe that didn't help

OP posts:

Cloudstasteofmash · 02/05/2016 06:35

Has she form for this?

If I discuss politics with my DGM it gets heated very quickly if I oppose what she says. She doesn't really know much politics only the stuff she reads in papers.

Maybe your mum felt like you were trying to embarrass her or felt stupid in front of your friends that you were challenging her?

Cloudstasteofmash · 02/05/2016 06:36

Ah just seen your update!

Yep she sounds very similar to my DGM! She knows best and must never be challenged !!

Original poster

Justmeagain78 · 02/05/2016 06:37

Yes she has form for this - she opposes gay marriage and has shouted me down over that in the past. She reads the Daily Mail and never questions what she reads.

OP posts:

Cloudstasteofmash · 02/05/2016 06:37

Don't invite her again.

wheresthel1ght · 02/05/2016 06:40

You won't win an argument with someone like that. The only one who is ill informed is your mum but she will never admit it.

In future I think you need to just say things like "I don't think this is the time or place" or "I am not having this argument with you mum"

She is wrong btw and i am very much on the side of the junior Drs!

msrisotto · 02/05/2016 06:40

Hi OP. I feel your pain. My dad has some views that i'd rather not hear. The only way I can tolerate him is if I refuse to talk about a lot of- some things. It's sad isn't it.

cansu · 02/05/2016 06:45

Sounds like she was annoyed about having you question her opinion in front of others. My mum is terrible on anything like this. I refuse to get into it with her. Next time change subject or leave the room. I smile and nod when mine start this crap. They usually spout daily mail crap so I ignore. However she is obviously out of order with her behaviour. I am guessing she was drunk. Leave it for her to apologise and then move on.

SuperFlyHigh · 02/05/2016 06:48

Bloody hell clouds that's harsh not to invite her again!

It's obviously a sore topic as OPs DM works in that profession and doesn't help that some of her views are skewed if she reads Daily Fail.

But OPs DH is being only sane person here by saying stay out of politics and don't mention it again.

In a quiet moment just the two of you I'd perhaps mention to her that you were very upset by the manner in which she broached her attack and how personally upsetting it was for you and how angry you feel/felt and say you don't want a repeat performance. If she's decent she'll agree, maybe even apologise.

Also there's nothing wrong with someone having an opposing opinion to you. We don't all think the same.

leelu66 · 02/05/2016 06:48

YANBU. It sounds like she didn't have an answer so lashed out at you. Unacceptable. I wouldn't brush it under the carpet, I would talk to her and say that you don't appreciate being insulted and shouted at, especially in the company of others, and that if it happens again, she will not be welcome at your home again.

curren · 02/05/2016 06:52

Personally I agree with your husband about not discussing things like this in future.

Me and some of my family members have opposing political views. Some you can chat with, some you can't.

I wouldn't let this go. I would tell her that acting how she did was not ok. But I would stop discussing things like politics at family events.

IWILLgiveupsugar · 02/05/2016 06:53

I think you should be able to express differing opinions without being personally attacked. If your mum cannot condict herself appropriately in public then she deserves not to be invited round. I would have a word now that the dust has settled.

MadameJosephine · 02/05/2016 06:57

My dad is very much like that, most of the time I just ignore him or change the subject but he'll sometimes put forward an opinion that I just can't ignore (he has some corkers on immigration and LGBT issues) and then when I bite he plays the martyr shouting sarcastically 'oh I'll keep my mouth shut then, I obviously know nothing and you know everything'. drives me mad, you have my utmost sympathy OP

IamCarcass · 02/05/2016 07:00

Another Scottish referendum survivor and in a it is still carrying on everyday for us, due to some people's actions. We manage by not discussing it at all, ever. If she is otherwise alright, then just set politics aside and focus on what you like about her.

Cloudstasteofmash · 02/05/2016 07:08

Bloody hell clouds that's harsh not to invite her again!

I don't invite my DGM to small gatherings as she dominates the conversation. If she thinks she is right on a subject - were all fucked!

I do however see her daily! on my own

horizontilting · 02/05/2016 07:16

It's horrible behaviour from her, being verbally aggressive and personal, in any scenario, but in front of other people must feel even worse.

If no-one speaks up to get her to stop it would feel that they thought it ok she verbally attack you.

Did she tend to be verbally aggressive like that when you were a child? I can fully understand how it left you crying and shaking - the suddenness of it must have been a real shock apart from anything else, having her rant against an issue turn into a rant about you, with other people not intervening (I hope someone did). But also would have brought you back to the helplessness of her doing that when you're a child, if she did that when you were younger.

Of course she went too far ranting at/about you.

SuperFlyHigh · 02/05/2016 07:26

Ha clouds I had a DGD who was also domineering and with extreme views, sadly we ALL had to see him on a regular basis and ALL put up with his rants which were almost every week. No bloody chance of ever seeing him alone (when often he was far more mellowed) as he loved to play to an audience. apart from the personal bits when he couldn't pay his bills and my aunt and mum had to bail him out time after time.

I was quite pleased when at 18 i left home and realised I didn't have to pander to the views of a bitter old man. Even though he was my DGD.

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