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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mum went too far

79 replies

Justmeagain78 · 02/05/2016 06:04

Had friends and family round for our anniversary and a topical subject was brought up, one that's been on the news a lot lately. My mum got very emotional about her view about it. I am leaning towards the opposing view but I always like to hear both sides so I asked her a genuine question to explain her position better to me.

She flew at me in front of everyone yelling about how I'm young and ignorant (38!) and don't know what I'm talking about, how she didn't raise me like that etc etc, behaving as if I'm an idiot and that she's ashamed of me just because my views don't reflect hers. She was so aggressive and personal that she left me shaking and crying in front of everyone. She didn't even answer my question. My dh says I should stay out of politics and forget it happened but I hate her for doing that to me. She should have more respect and be able to cope with someone challenging her view without shouting them down. She always treats me like a child but Aibu to think she went too far?

OP posts:

Egghead68 · 02/05/2016 07:29

Don't talk politics with her again.

Lemonade1 · 02/05/2016 07:33

You don't have to pander or have these conversations with her. Most of us have someone in their lives like this (the Daily Mail has a lot to answer for ).

Depends what you feel the most comfortable way of avoiding these discussions:

Changing the subject
Saying nothing - refuse to engage
Nodding and smiling (this can be done sarcastically or in a straighforward way!)
Walking out the room (not flouncing - going to the loo, checking on dinner, getting a drink)
Saying 'let's not get into politics/heavy stuff it always gets too rowdy'
Saying 'mum we never agree on these things so let's get off the subject now'

If you can't head her off at the pass and she's aggressive and critical as she was in this instance, you really can say 'Mum that's enough, you're being unpleasant and aggressive' and leave the room. What's the worse that can happen?

mollie123 · 02/05/2016 07:38

Also there's nothing wrong with someone having an opposing opinion to you. We don't all think the same.
^^ this

diddl · 02/05/2016 07:40

But Op shouldn't have to avoid the issue just because her mum can't control her temper/answer rationally.

But, if it leaves you shaking & crying it might be best, Op.

She will likely have looked unhinged to the others, but I'd probably be at your reaction as well tbh.

Narp · 02/05/2016 07:41

What strikes me is not that it got heated but her personal criticism of you. That's not normal and it's not OK. it's not par for the course, in my world, for a relative to attack someone so personally in the middle of a debate.

I'd want to confront her about what she said to you.

But I suspect you'll get nowhere

Narp · 02/05/2016 07:42

diddl

Yes, I wonder what others thought

And my DH would not have let that pass in our house either

Lemonade1 · 02/05/2016 07:44

Yes I think some people are missing the point.

Mum didn't just disagree vehemently with OP's views - she attacked her very personally and aggressively.

Narp · 02/05/2016 07:44

I think this is much much deeper than a row about politics

I am really surprised how many of you aren't shocked that a family discussion would get to the point of shouting, aggression, personal attacks and tears

Narp · 02/05/2016 07:45

X post Lemonade

Shakey15000 · 02/05/2016 07:51

YANBU. My Mum and Stepdad are of the opinion that the doctors are ungrateful and should all be sacked. Though who would replace them is anyone's guess given their views on "foreigners coming here" and either taking all our jobs or receiving £90,000 a year in benefits when "our soldiers get nothing". Add to that their strong views on LGBT we've had some humdingers.

I do try and nod inanely but sometimes I think, you know what, not today.

velourvoyageur · 02/05/2016 08:07

Your DH says you should 'stay out of politics', wtf? what a bizarre thing for him to say

To be honest I don't think this is so unusual though....when I stay with my parents (and I have a great relationship with them) there are certain subjects I don't touch anymore because it just hits a nerve. It's a quirk you have to accept in people. I think, when people are generally very polite, dignified and try not to rock the boat, when it comes to something they really care about, they kind of give themselves permission to let go a bit and for once just....rock the boat. I know I can be really bad about getting carried away....last time was last summer, re: views on LGBT at the dinner table with some Catholic relatives and I went completely OTT. I just felt like, well, they're going there....so I bloody will too, and I kept on pushing it even after the point I'd lost the adrenaline and interest. Like, it was the sense that I'd already engaged with the subject and lost my composure, so I might as well go the whole hog. Sounds like sunk cost fallacy or something but I don't think it's that, because I knew from the beginning they wouldn't change their minds (& that I wouldn't either!).
Maybe just don't take it too much to heart?
However aggressiveness is not nice at all, she should probably apologise to you for that, and especially if she made you cry. Surprised your DH wasn't more upset with her for pushing you to the point of tears....surely once someone's actually stopped debating and is actually getting upset, that's when you stop and have a cuddle and change the subject.

HumphreyCobblers · 02/05/2016 08:12

You should be able to have a difference of opinion with someone without experiencing a vicious personal attack! She was really out of order. I am not surprised you are upset, this goes beyond 'political differences'.

velourvoyageur · 02/05/2016 08:13

To be fair with the LGBT ep, we ended up laughing because we knew that it had turned into a performance by the middle. My grandmother told me I was much too sensitive and what could I do but agree, really! Whereas polite-and-restrained discussions are usually cut short and not satisfying and everyone still has thoughts bubbling up inside them that will come out later.

bakeoffcake · 02/05/2016 08:19

I don't think it is bizarre of your DH to say you should stay out of politics. This is exactly what we do with my MIL.....

She has a lifetime membershipof UKIP. DH used to bring things up and they would always end up arguing. I asked him not to, as whilst I think her politics are awful, nothing he says will ever change her rascist opinions.

OP I can understand why you're so upset, your mum is totally out of order but obviously doesn't know how to have a proper discussion, so don't bother!

GingerMerkin · 02/05/2016 08:21

I have an aunt like that, knows everything and will never accept a differing point of view. 'Why did you say that, you're wrong' is repeated ad nauseum in an increasingly shrill voice until you cave in and agree with her. I went no contact with her 13 years ago after an incident when she made me cry. Had to see her at a family gathering 2 years ago and she started on me. I just glared at her and said 'Don't start' and she shut up. Haven't seen her since hurrah.

This is the person whose Christmas present to me as a young teenager was 'How to be a Complete Bitch' by Pamela Stephenson. It was a joke apparently when I was offended.

Cheby · 02/05/2016 08:30

YANBU OP. But I wouldn't put up with that behaviour. I wouldn't just ignore it or never raise it again, either. I'd tell my DM she was bloody rude, and is stand my ground in the discussion. Your views are as valid as hers.

I think pandering to people who behave like this only validates their behaviour and encourages them to continue and escalate.

moreshitandnofuckingredemption · 02/05/2016 08:38

Sometimes people behave with their families in a way they never would with "outsiders". Can you imagine her having the same conversation with her hairdresser? I doubt it would end with anyone crying! If she won't hold back from personal attacks then I'm with your DH - avoid tricky subjects all costs. Not worth the aggro, is it?

BadDoGooder · 02/05/2016 08:48

Oh god I feel your pain.
Luckily my family are all lentil weaving lefties like me, but DP's lot, well......

They all read the Daily Fucking Fail, they literally repeat it verbatim. When you show them actual facts, using reliable sources, they have a go at you for not just accepting their opinion as fact! I keep going though!

WeAllHaveWings · 02/05/2016 08:52

Only hearing one side of the story and not knowing your general relationship with your mum we cant understand why she reaction so vehemently, but there must have been a reason, maybe she thought you were patronising her and showing her up in front of people. Maybe she thought you were ridiculing or dismissing her experiences and feelings, whether they are right or wrong they are her feelings.

The simple answer is to keep out of politics with your mum if both of you cannot discuss respectfully of each others feelings and you know it generally results in this reaction.

DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke · 02/05/2016 08:56

Well wine never helped anyone be more rational and sensible, so if she was a bit tipsy then it sounds as if the social niceties were brushed aside.

I would contact her, once she has sobered up, and tell her that whilst she's your Mum and you love her, you will not put up with her being rude to you in your own home. That it's OK for you to have different views on things but that if she shouts and screams at you again, then she won't be invited round to gatherings like this in the future. That you are very upset by the way she behaved and you would like her to apologise for being so rude and aggressive.

diddl · 02/05/2016 08:57

"She always treats me like a child"

That's your problem!

So I think that if you never talk about "difficult" things with her then that won't change.

You need to be able to hold your ground & tell her that yelling & personal attacks aren't discussing the subject and that she is bullying you.

Original poster

Justmeagain78 · 02/05/2016 08:58

She's a very difficult person generally. She can be very generous and lots of times I've been thankful for her but she can be a bully. She spoilt my wedding and my graduation with her behaviour.

OP posts:

ChipperCharlie · 02/05/2016 08:59

You're mother doesn't respect you enough to see you as an adult with ownership over your own views. I'd guess that she has form for controlling behaviour too. My brother and I (48 & 43 years of age) are still referred to as "The Children" by my own Mum and I've had periods of NC which have been peaceful.

I wouldn't let it lie to be honest. The face that a simple, innocuous question can send her frothing and patronising her own DD in a family gathering, tells me that it's more than just a case of 'Just don't talk Religion and Politics'. I think Id be tempted to tell her to stuff her views up her backside and since they're clearly more important to her, then she can do-one; not to darken your doorstep again until she's prepared to issue a public and very grovelling apology and a promise to respect you as an adult with your own set of beliefs and views.

It's taken me years of having the phone slammed down on me, being thrown out of her home, screaming and frothing in my face to realise that there is actually no changing my Mum. She now knows to not challenge me on certain things, because I always win hands down on the side of fairness, humility and being reasonable.

This isn't a one-off OP, is it?

Shakey15000 · 02/05/2016 09:00

I once commented on how nice stepdad's south facing garden was. He insisted it wasn't south facing. We went through as the crow flies etc and he still wouldn't have it. Google maps came into play proving and he STILL wouldn't have it and said the laptop "was wrong"

Not political no, but indicative of how there's no arguing with some folk. In the main, when it comes to politics I try to change the subject but when he's insistent I think "ok. Let's give it a whirl". Usually ends in a stand off with Mum desperate to not have stepdad annoyed

Original poster

Justmeagain78 · 02/05/2016 09:04

In answer to your questions the others were either shocked or laughing at her. There were some points she did sound very ridiculous.

OP posts:

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