To think my mum went too far

[Justmeagain78]

Had friends and family round for our anniversary and a topical subject was brought up, one that's been on the news a lot lately. My mum got very emotional about her view about it. I am leaning towards the opposing view but I always like to hear both sides so I asked her a genuine question to explain her position better to me.

She flew at me in front of everyone yelling about how I'm young and ignorant (38!) and don't know what I'm talking about, how she didn't raise me like that etc etc, behaving as if I'm an idiot and that she's ashamed of me just because my views don't reflect hers. She was so aggressive and personal that she left me shaking and crying in front of everyone. She didn't even answer my question. My dh says I should stay out of politics and forget it happened but I hate her for doing that to me. She should have more respect and be able to cope with someone challenging her view without shouting them down. She always treats me like a child but Aibu to think she went too far?

I had issues with my DM (although not as vitriolic by the sounds of it). Eg when I told her I was getting a dog, she huffed and puffed and told me I couldn't cope and nit to be ridiculous, or when I was putting up shelves and she grabbed the tool out of my hands and told me she'd do a better job. This used to happen a lot. I went to a series of CBT sessions, in which we unraveled the behaviour and worked out how to stop it. Basically, like your DM, she was keeping me in the role of the child and any time I reacted to her nonsense, I was feeding that cycle. I had to learn to very calmly call her on it every. Single. Time. It made me sweaty an nervous because I didn't want the confrontation but it worked. As soon as I stopped feeding into her pattern, and calmly told her that her behaviour was unacceptable to me, and that it was distressing (like I say, CALMLY and without fire) she would go all teenager-y and stomp off (think role reversal because she's not getting the reaction she's used to) but after some consistent work, it stopped. We now have a wonderful and mutually respectful relationship. Might be worth speaking to a CBT therapist?

Just to ask Op, you do know that she went too far, don't you?

You don't have any doubts about that?

Discussions can get heated-I know that I've been carried away myself & possibly become too loud

But actual yelling & insults-just not on.

"others were either shocked or laughing at her."-and yet still she carried on?

Most people would be able to stop & apologise for getting carried away about something that they feel strongly about.

I get this with my parents, they offer a two pronged pincer like maneuver and sometimes you do have to bite back.

She does't respect you very much does she. I would cool it for a while, let her call you.

Telling you that you are too young to have a view and know nothing is patronising bollocks.

I'd be very tempted with a very firm "Stop being so bloody patronising, mother!" as a public put down to her before walking away and refusing to engage further.

If she continued to rant and be obnoxious she would be asked made to leave my house.

She sounds like. My mother.
She has to be right
Always.
We havent been in contact for years.

My DM and stepdad are the same although the reaction is not as bad as yours. I think if alcohol is added into the mix it is even worse. Maybe it is a generational thing? My DM and stepdad read the Daily Fail, spout on about foreigners and benefit cheats etc etc and are very staunch right wing.

One of my DDs is very left wing and stayed with her GM this weekend and said she had to bite her tongue so many times. I do not understand why people cannot agree to disagree rather than try and push their opinion on others. It is disrespectful. I don't agree with my DD all the time about politics but we have got to the position where we can discuss and hear the others opinion respectfully.

I would have to agree with your DH in avoid politics in future gatherings with your DM and maybe keep your distance for a while and let things calm down then point out to her how rude and nasty she was.

since your mum is a nurse, she knows doctors better than you. better not to challenge her in front of others -try 1 on 1 next time .

amarmai OP's DM was a nurse. She also may know SOME doctors. From her experiences years ago. Why should the OP feel the need to speak in private to avoid DM's shitty attitude? That's just enabling bad behaviour.

Next time you speak to her I'd say that she behaved appallingly. I wouldn't have her back without some apology/reassurance she won't do it again.

I wouldn't have her round anymore until she apologised. She's abusive and she has no respect for you. Politics my arse, she cut you down by being abusive to win an argument. Because she's an abusive bully, and knew she would get away with it. What sort of person does that? She sounds deeply unpleasant.

I agree with horizontilting may I add you challenged mum's belive's....your her child you have no right todo this you must believe what I do, not think for yourself even though I brought you up to do so,plse don't let it spoil thing's she's your mum
Enjoy your dad

I think it is a generational thing regarding the DM Cornishclio my ILs read it and take everything printed in it as gospel..no questions asked, it's drives me potty.

Amarnai I didn't bring the subject up, I literally walked in to her telling everyone how ignorant I was and incapable of understanding anything. They'd started discussing it while I was in the kitchen.

I think she behaved appallingly. I actually wouldn't invite her to the next 'do' and if she asks, tell her why.

She spoilt your wedding and graduation?

This really is the tip of the iceberg isn't it?

Don't invite her back. Seriously. Your friends were embarrassed and made uncomfortable by her actions.

Your h should have stepped in and had that attack stopped too I think.

You and your h need to work together and make sure that this doesn't happen again.

Your DM needs to apologise, but she won't.

You don't get to come into someone's home and behave like that and expect an invitation back.

If this were a friend, you'd not put up with it.

Family needs to be held to higher standards than friends in terms of treatment of other family members.

Very much agree with Narp and Lemonade.
People will have different opinions on everything and you cant force people to change their views to your own way of thinking.
I'd say have a word too but if she's anything like my 'DM' it wont make a jot of difference. In my opinion
, it's nothing more than public shaming and it's completely unacceptable for a Parent to embarrass their child like this. OP my Mother recently had a similar outburst whilst I was in hospital and it is awful. Thankfully a good friend who was already visiting me at the time deflated the situation.
If you insist on having words with her, would your DH be better in approaching her? Just wondering if she's more likely to listen to him as opposed to getting overemotional with you again.

Sounds like you shouldn't invite her to happy celebrations as she doesn't think you deserve a happy celebration and has to spoil it, upsetting you so she can tell everyone how shit and ungrateful you are.

What Hissy said.

I literally walked in to her telling everyone how ignorant I was and incapable of understanding anything.

You do know that's unacceptable behaviour from her don't you OP? Would she discuss a friend in a derogatory manner like that? Likewise, would you allow a friend to talk about you like that? You are an adult in your own right and she should respect you as one.

I also think you're dh should have told her to shut up stepped in but I'm guessing it just made everyone feel incredibly uncomfortable and I'm guessing the laughter was a nervous one from them in an awkward situation as opposed to laughing at you.

OP .

I would now say her behaviour was totally unacceptable and how would she like it if you spoke to her in that manner in front of her friends. B

You are not a child and if she expects to treat you like that then she needs to learn some mothering skills

" I literally walked in to her telling everyone how ignorant I was and incapable of understanding anything."

It'd be a cold day in hell before I saw her again.

How anyone can talk about their daughter like that, I just can't comprehend it.

She flew at me in front of everyone yelling about how I'm young and ignorant (38!) and don't know what I'm talking about, how she didn't raise me like that etc etc, behaving as if I'm an idiot and that she's ashamed of me just because my views don't reflect hers. She was so aggressive and personal that she left me shaking and crying in front of everyone

This ^ is the issue. Not the politics, not the difference of opinion, but the total lack of respect or understanding that you aren't just an extension of her and her belief system.

I think you would find understanding and respect on the Stately Homes thread.

Homebird - completely agree with you.

This is just outrageous bullying OP - don't stand for it. Phone her, explain how upset her behaviour made you feel, and say that you are expecting an apology. If it doesn't come, tell her that she won't be invited to the next family event and explain why.

This is not a disagreement about politics folks - it's horrible, unkind bullying. Put an end to it now, OP - it will only get worse IMO.