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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My name is not Barry

80 replies

sizeofalentil · 29/04/2016 13:28

I'm sure I'm just being a cow here, but since I got married last week I've had several cards/letters addressed to 'Mrs Barry Sizeofalentil*'.

My name is not Barry - that's my husband's name. I didn't erase my full name and take his.

And it's not just wedding stuff - it's other letters etc, so not people trying to be cute.

Am I wrong to be slightly fucked off by this? The timing was quite poor - was telling husband I felt like my identity and old life was being slowly erased and then these came in the post.

*obvs a nc.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 29/04/2016 13:29

Annoying innit baz :) I agrew

Kidnapped · 29/04/2016 13:38

Suck it up, Baz. Wink

You don't want folks to think you are making a fuss. So what if your identity is being erased? You are only a woman.

MagnumAddict · 29/04/2016 13:41

Is Barry on her period? She sounds angry.

Now be a doll and produce a male heir won't you? Honeymoon baby preferably.

Wink
JazzApple · 29/04/2016 13:46

What sort of other letters? I can understand elderly aunts doing this as it was the done thing but not the bank or BT.

FancyPuffin · 29/04/2016 13:49

Now come on Barry. There are bigger things to be worrying about,

That casserole won't cook itself you know.

Original poster
sizeofalentil · 29/04/2016 13:58

See! I was right! It has started now... Wink

I was on the fence about giving up my last name, but had finally decided to do it but was having a bit of moan about how now we are ttc that I'll have to give up my body autonomy too then my job for a bit, then maybe career aspirations as I'm not sure that dh wouldn't drop/lose/forget a baby somewhere. And he doesn't have to change any part of his old life.

THEN dh said he didn't have to make me cups of tea any more because now I'm just his wife. THEN the post arrived and I don't have a name any more! Agh!

No letters from the bank, thankfully but there was an official-ish letter that made me Hmm and a 'congrats on your new home' card too.

OP posts:
Kidnapped · 29/04/2016 14:01

Barry, there are people in other countries who don't have one first name, never mind a fabulous choice of two first names.

Perhaps you should count your blessings rather than overthinking it.

Any decent woman would be proud to be thought of as Barry.

Original poster
sizeofalentil · 29/04/2016 14:01

Didn't help that dh thought For a while that I took his full name too - so I'd lose my middle name and be Mrs Myname Barry Andrew Lentil. Grin

OP posts:
DaemonPantalaemon · 29/04/2016 14:03

I don't understand this complaint. You have the option not to change your name, many women don't. That is a valid option.

Changing your name is also an equally valid option but surely you understood when you changed your name that the "correct" and "formal" form of addressing a married woman is a using her husband's full name?

Mrs literally means Wife of or Married to. So yes, you are Wife of Barry XXX. Mrs Barry XXX. Why else did you change your name if you did not wish to telegraph your married status to the world?'

So why be annoyed with people who honour your choice??

Original poster
sizeofalentil · 29/04/2016 14:03

He's having a nap (we have the week off and 100 leftover bottles of wine and a wheel of cheese to eat) and I keep accidentally waking him up laughing at your replies.

Have accepted my name is now Barry. Could be worse, I suppose. Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
sizeofalentil · 29/04/2016 14:08

Daemon - I haven't officially changed it yet, so it was the assumption really. Just was a bit of a shock when it was something I'd literally been worrying about that minute.

It is the formal way but still quite old-fashioned. And not like the people who did it addressed me in a similarly old-fashioned/formal way before.

I still have my first name, dammit! People who've known me for 34 years can still use it!

OP posts:
53rdAndBird · 29/04/2016 14:08

Mrs literally means Wife of or Married to.

Eh? No it doesn't.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 29/04/2016 14:10

Am I wrong to be slightly fucked off by this?

Absolutely not at all - very old fashioned, lazy and inappropriate assumptions are at play here.

Good idea to correct every single one of them and you'll be changing the world a little bit every time :)

DistanceCall · 29/04/2016 14:10

Mrs doesn't "literally mean Wife of or Married to". It means Mistress. Which is the female form of Master.

cjt110 · 29/04/2016 14:11

Lavish one was it Barry?

edwardsmum11 · 29/04/2016 14:12

Yanbu but it could be worse if he is a William or a Richard who likes shortening his name.

situatedknowledge · 29/04/2016 14:12

I had a (female) friend at school called Barry (yes with a y not ie). Perhaps you should change your first name not your second name and see how that messes with their heads! Barry suits you!

BoogieTime · 29/04/2016 14:12

It is actually the correct way of addressing mail to a married couple.

So, YABU.

EBearhug · 29/04/2016 14:12

Mrs literally means Wife of or Married to.

It literally means the title Mistress, just as Ms and Miss do. In Britain, we choose it to mean married woman, because we haven't caught up with places like Germany, France and Spain where all adult women have the same title and it says nothing about their marital status.

Choosing to change your name is one thing, but it's only your surname you change. You're not choosing to have your entire existence subsumed into his. You're not wrong to be pissed off with it, and I'd probably be complaining to all guilty parties (except elderly relatives. )

Catmuffin · 29/04/2016 14:13

I thought you were going to say your surname was Scott and people kept calling you Barry as in Barry Scott the Cillit Bang man.

Kidnapped · 29/04/2016 14:13

Thank God you're here Daemon. Barry has brought this entire thing on herself.

These young gals today, eh?

EBearhug · 29/04/2016 14:14

It is actually the correct way of addressing mail to a married couple.

50 years or more ago. Most people have moved on and allow women their own identities.

greedygorb · 29/04/2016 14:14

Is Barry his given name or is it actually Barold and you should really be Mrs Barold Sizeofalentil. Which sounds v classy. You ungrateful wretch.

My MIL does this - To her I'm Mrs Harold Smith. When my actual name is Dr Edna GreedyGorb. It gives me the absolute rage. 18 years hasn't lessened it.

LordoftheTits · 29/04/2016 14:15

I got married last week and already my own grandmother has addressed a card to Mr & Mrs [DH initial] [Surname] Angry

NOPE.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/04/2016 14:16

Just remember that everything you've listed is pretty much voluntary, you don't really have to do any of it. Some of it is pretty great and I never thought of pregnancy as giving up my body autonomy. Quite the opposite. I always felt that being pregnant was MY experience, DH being a bit on the 'outside' of the realities. And I'm assuming your remarks about DH 'losing' a child somewhere is tongue in cheek, but if not you've got time to work on that one!

As far as the 'tea comment', next time he says that tell him to shut up, get to the kitchen, and make you a sammich.

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