My name is not Barry

[sizeofalentil]

I'm sure I'm just being a cow here, but since I got married last week I've had several cards/letters addressed to 'Mrs Barry Sizeofalentil*'.

My name is not Barry - that's my husband's name. I didn't erase my full name and take his.

And it's not just wedding stuff - it's other letters etc, so not people trying to be cute.

Am I wrong to be slightly fucked off by this? The timing was quite poor - was telling husband I felt like my identity and old life was being slowly erased and then these came in the post.

*obvs a nc.

Now not using your title of Dr when you worked hard for it is very very rude!

When I was a child, I remember finding it hilarious to see a letter addressed to "Mr and Mrs Fred Once", rather than "Mr Fred And Mrs Betty Once". My mum explained that's how it was done, and I insisited it made no sense and was ridiculous.

Delacroix I changed my name because his is nicer. Think going from "Scrudge" or "Guffbert" to something nice like, I dunno... Silverflower

I'm on the fence with the surname changing; but this is what would sway me!

*TychosNose Yeah it's rubbish. I've been stripped of my doctorate too since I got married. Apparently we're Dr and Mrs husbandsname. Everyone remembers his PhD but not mine^

Don't change your name. Mind you, you'll still get letters addressed to 'Mrs Barry impossibletospellsurname'. I haven't changed my name and because companies generally ask if you are Mrs or Miss and then I say 'Dr' my PhD is more obvious than DH's because people assume he is Mr. Of course I still use my PhD whereas his was very obscure and not very useful at all.

What about friends - Rachel wasexcited to be becoming Mrs Dr Barry whatever. I always was impressed she gained a medical degree with her wedding ring.

Yeah it's rubbish. I've been stripped of my doctorate too since I got married. Apparently we're Dr and Mrs husbandsname. Everyone remembers his PhD but not mine (yes particularly you mil)

That is not correct! Mrs is the title used for married women without a higher title. If you have a higher title, you use that. So your PhD trumps Mrs! Just as Kate whatername is Duchess Bla bla ... not Mrs Windsor. Her higher title buries the Mrs :)

And as for Mrs meaning Mistress ...

Yes, I know Mrs is short for Mistress, as is the same with Miss and Ms. But in the context in which it is used in YOUR culture, it means Wife of. My culture uses "Mother of" to identify women, we use the names of our children, not the names of our husbands, like you do.

I do not know any Mrs Whatevers who have never married , is it common in the UK that Mrs is used by women who have never been married? It is why I say it means Wife of or Married to.

In France, Madame is used for all adult women, in Germany it is Frau, in Spain Senora. Only in England is Mrs used to indicate married, widowed or previously married status.

I expect to be Mr & Dr DHInitial Jointsurname but if it's just to me I expect Dr MyInitial Sharedsurname. I don't think I've ever had a letter addressed just to me with DH initial though. I will tolerate Mr & Mrs post from relatives but sent very sarky letters to companies who removed my medical degree when I asked to change my surname...

Only in ENGLISH ... obviously not just in England!!

I suspect she meant people just forgot.
that said women don't need qualifications once they're married surely?

This is a great thread. Thanks Barry!

Thabks for explaining the madame thing. So do people start calling you it when you're 18? Do they ask which you prefer? I suppose it must be similar to the "that girl /lady over there" transition.

Thats not true, Daemon

From Debretts on the subject of wedding invitations, if you think Debretts is correct (I think it is outdated bollocks):

"Doctor(s) (John Debrett is a medical doctor. This form of address applies even if the wife is a medical doctor): Dr and Mrs John Debrett (invitation), Mrs John Debrett (envelope)."

Women's qualifications count for nothing,apparently.

ArmfulOfRoses has the right idea:

^I think you could have some fun with it.

Order lovely things and blame it on Barry.
Likewise things you can't be arsed to do.

Barry would become my alter ego on which everything bad was blamed forevermore.^

Mrs. Barry ordered that handbag, dear. And those shoes. And the reason the house is a tip is because Mrs. Barry dragged you on a spa morning instead. With Mr. Barry's credit card

Paranoid why does only the (de-qualified) wife gp on the envelope?
Is it because the woman deals with correspondence and household admin?

I didn't have any choice about changing my name, kind of. I was an hour a bit late for our wedding, so they (not entirely sure who) had helpfully filled in all the paperwork so I just had to sign. They had ticked a box stating that I wanted to be known as Mrs DH Surname after we married and I didn't notice in all the flustery kerfuffle of weddingness. We married in South Africa so not sure if there's a similar tick box thing here?

I don't mind, I prefer DH's name to my old name, luckily.

Bit odd, really. no-one who wasn't notified of the wedding will assume a name change, and doing nothing means no name change. So I don't think the gas company will change anything.

elderly aunts etc probably will assume a name change, and plenty of married women do change their name. All you have to do is tell them.

the introductions go 'I'm Jane X and this is my husband John Y'. Easy.

It is actually the correct way of addressing mail to a married couple.

In the olden days yes.

these days it's a massive fucking assumption to take it upon yourself to change somebody's last name, let alone to to start calling someone Mrs Husbands Name.

No idea, Stealth presumably.

She's got nothing better to do though has she? Not like she'll be working long hours in a hospital or anything!

I think Barry is a good Starbucks name, I might try it next time I'm in there.

Anyone else seen empire records?

Thanks so much for the correction Paranoid I always thought higher title included academic title, but clearly it means only Princess and Lady and such!

That's the something new I learned today!!

Stealth, in France you still get called "Mademoiselle" in shops and such if you look "youngish" but the official address for a woman over the age of 18 is Madame. Married or not !

I have been so disappointed since I got married not to have been addressed as Mrs StrictlyHusband. Largely because my plan was always to give him the mail and say 'isn't it a shame aunt vera has never gotten over the fact you weren't a girl '.

I don't think I've been Mrs his name ever. Mind you I don't get invited to any swanky places that are hot on etiquette.

I didn't want to change my last name either, but went to Dublin with a friend a couple of months later and she booked the tickets in the other name. It was cheaper to get a new passport than change the tickets.

Suck it up Baz. You shouldn't have got married if you wanted to keep your own name. This issue is so insignificant that I'll now make several posts telling you how insignificant it is. It's a first world problem, but me being annoyed that you want to be called your actual name isn't. It's also much less important than a number of other causes that I never normally give the slightest fuck about, but feel the urge to post about whenever this comes up.

Pipe down Barry and go do some ironing or something. It's simply not attractive for wimmin to be all liberal, whatever would your husband think?

Incidentally I thought Princess Michael of Kent was actually a lady called Michael for ages and I was royally (ha!) fucked off to find out the poor woman, Marie, has to put up with this shit for her actual title!