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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not showing up to a wedding

83 replies

Okay377 · 25/04/2016 20:31

I didn't go to the wedding of some lovely friends last October. I was suffering badly with depression and had something of a breakdown. I desperately wanted to go but on the morning of the wedding couldn't. I don't have a dp so would have been going alone. The couple are good friends although not people I see that regularly - I didn't want to call the bride/groom on the morning of their big day so told a bridesmaid I wouldn't be coming. I gave money online to their wedding fund.

I haven't seen the couple since - I was pretty ill for several months. I've now emailed them to apologise, explain why, say their photos looked beautiful and I hope they are doing well and I see them soon.

I was actually at a wedding last summer which the bride (of october's wedding) didn't turn up to - I think for similar reasons.

AIBU to expect a reply to my email? I do feel dreadful that I didn't go.

OP posts:
bullshitbingo · 25/04/2016 20:36

I think if they're nice people they'll respond.

If they're arseholes who have no empathy, then they may not, but you'll be well rid.

Cut yourself some slack OP. Sounds like you've had a rough year. There are worse things than not turning up to a wedding. As long as you weren't the registrar then your presence wasn't crucial! Smile

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 25/04/2016 20:38

So you didn't turn up to their wedding then didn't get in touch at all for several months?
Of course you were ill and couldn't help it but they must have been pretty devastated and hurt for quite a while. It will take a fair bit to get over I guess.

FuzzyOwl · 25/04/2016 20:39

Of course you would expect a reply to your email. I know some people get quite bridezilla-like about their weddings but I think the majority of people are quite understanding about something coming up.

I hope you are feeling in a far better place now and keep improving.

Buckinbronco · 25/04/2016 20:42

I hope you feel better now OP. They might be like me, I'm
Afraid, I wouldn't reply. I am a bit black and white about these things and hate it when people let you down. It happens a lot with weddings/ big parties and makes you feel like no one can be bothered :(

ChemistryHunt · 25/04/2016 20:44

I would reply and would be more concerned if you were ok or not.

I think most people would be understanding and would reply.

Of they don't or they reply unkindly just remember it says more about them than you.

(Remember some people don't check emails all the time so it might take a few days to gets. Reply!)

chinam · 25/04/2016 20:48

I think it will say more about them than you if they don't reply. I hope you are feeling a lot better now.

RuthyToothy · 25/04/2016 20:49

If they don't reply, extend them the courtesy of acknowledging that you don't know what else they might have going on in their lives. They may be dealing with health worries, job loss, bereavement, etc - any number of things that push your email down the priority list.

You didn't attend their wedding due to your circumstances; they may not reply due to theirs, and as such YABU to 'expect' a reply.

expotition · 25/04/2016 20:50

I would reply - unless I had something going on myself that was similar to the situation that prevented you going (or of equivalent impact). If I didn't reply I would feel bad about it. I certainly wouldn't be angry with you for not coming, based on your description.

PPie10 · 25/04/2016 20:52

I think Yabu to 'expect ' a prompt reply when you took months to send them a message. Just wait patiently.

Ginslinger · 25/04/2016 20:59

it would be pretty mean to not acknowledge your email after you have explained that you were so ill. I imagine they had a lovely day as it was their wedding day

MegGriffin1 · 25/04/2016 20:59

Honestly weddings are expensive and if I had paid for you to attend and you didn't I'd question the friendship. Maybe im black and white. However you were unwell and would take that into account

toomanypasswords · 25/04/2016 21:05

Did they acknowledge your donation to their wedding fund or try to contact you at all to check you were OK? I think if they were lovely friends, they might have done that...

Original poster
Okay377 · 25/04/2016 21:07

Thank you for your replies- it's really helpful and yes, feeling better thanks.

Ruthy I think I worded it badly - I don't expect a 'prompt' reply. I guess I meant AIBU to hope for a reply. And your point about circumstances is a really good one which I'll bear in mind.

OP posts:
mrgrouper · 25/04/2016 21:07

There are many reasons people do not reply to emails. Please do not assume their non reply means they are pissed off with you.
Try to contact them again and send an email that clearly warrants a response.
If they do not respond to email number 2 then they are not real friends anyway

KatyS36 · 25/04/2016 21:07

Someone didn't show up at our wedding, for I expect similar reasons (friend of DHs who I didn't know well).

I'm fine about it. After all, if someone had eg a vomiting bug and didn't attend that would be the same - I mean that to be supportive btw, you were ill.

If you are inviting eg 100 people odds are someone is going to be ill on the day. you sound a lovely person mailing them when you are well enough to explain.

Katyxx

Original poster
Okay377 · 25/04/2016 21:07

No toomany

OP posts:
FoxyLoxy123 · 25/04/2016 21:08

I think you need to let them take as much time as you left before contacting them to reply to you. They might need to process/get over feeling let down and that can take time. If you had contacted them a month or two after it would have 'looked' better from their perspective. Kind of looks not a high priority friendship to have left it so long, regardless of the reasons.

Lemonblast · 25/04/2016 21:12

I think a text to the couple on the day of the wedding would have been the right thing to do. I don't think you can justifiably be upset if they don't reply to an email now but hopefully they will do so at some point.

PPie10 · 25/04/2016 21:15

Maybe a text on the day to the friend would have been better than asking someone else to pass on your message . Anyway they might not be upset, just that they don't think they should reply to you anytime soon.

Thebrowntrout · 25/04/2016 21:17

To be honest I would be upset.

I mean, weddings generally include a paid-for meal and so on.

I've had friends do this and it does hurt, especially when it's a lot of friends who let you down.

lorelei9here · 25/04/2016 21:22

Sorry if I missed it but did you explain why?
If you have said you were ill, if that's what you told the bridesmaids it's fine
More to the point, I think if you said you were ill, regardless of illness type, they should have been in touch

Illness doesn't account for who has paid for food, people get ill. If they dint care then you are well rid!

lorelei9here · 25/04/2016 21:23

I would have texted as well though
Are you sure the bridesmaid passed your message on?

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 25/04/2016 21:24

If they are good friends they will understand and perhaps their not emailing you is about not wanting to make you feel guilty about your non attendance.
I would write them a nice litter and explain in more detail your reasons, and perhaps offer to meet up for coffee.
There might be an elephant in the room situation going on and only you can make the first move to alleviate this feeling.
I think they are sparing your feelings. I fully understand as someone who has depressive episodes.

Original poster
Okay377 · 25/04/2016 21:32

I did say I was ill. To those who would've texted - I take your point but my thinking was that I didn't want to intrude on their day with my problems ie does a bride or groom getting ready want to have a text from a friend saying they're ill. But I may well have been wrong. If I'm honest I probably have felt well enough to be in touch for a few weeks now but have been agonising. That's a good point Another and I'll write too. I'm not expecting anything from them other than wanting them to understand I didn't deliberately just not show to their lovely wedding.

OP posts:
Orda1 · 25/04/2016 21:38

I think you did exactly the right thing, your health comes before a wedding. Did they not thank you for your donation? I would have text afterwards though.

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