Not showing up to a wedding

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I didn't go to the wedding of some lovely friends last October. I was suffering badly with depression and had something of a breakdown. I desperately wanted to go but on the morning of the wedding couldn't. I don't have a dp so would have been going alone. The couple are good friends although not people I see that regularly - I didn't want to call the bride/groom on the morning of their big day so told a bridesmaid I wouldn't be coming. I gave money online to their wedding fund.

I haven't seen the couple since - I was pretty ill for several months. I've now emailed them to apologise, explain why, say their photos looked beautiful and I hope they are doing well and I see them soon.

I was actually at a wedding last summer which the bride (of october's wedding) didn't turn up to - I think for similar reasons.

AIBU to expect a reply to my email? I do feel dreadful that I didn't go.

When disaster strikes and you can't be there I think two weeks is a reasonable amount of time to show the couple the gratitude and respect of explaining what happened. Several months is too long. I expect they may feel hurt and let down by this.

Telling or expecting someone to snap out of a depression or to be able to XYZ in ABC timeframe is akin to telling someone in a coma to wake up and then be pissed off that they can't. You wouldn't dream of telling the latter person that a 'two weeks' window is a 'reasonable amount of time' so whyTF would you direct that to someone with an equally brutal illness just because it's mental health and not physical health?

Truly, I could nut a wall at that stupidity right now

OP you sound lovely and I'm really happy you are recovering. I hope they respond to your e-mail but I too would suggest a letter; if no reply after that (& no thanks for gift) then I'm afraid they weren't really great friends in the first instance

If you weren't well then obviously you couldn't make it, that's not an issue at all. Personally though I think if you were up to sending a message with a bridesmaid, then you were up to sending a message of some sort to the bride and groom within a week or 2 of the wedding, even if just to say "I'm so sorry I was unable to come, I'll explain when I can" or something. If it was me, and you'd taken months to get in touch, I wouldn't rush to reply! I would eventually, but not right away. I'm glad you're feeling better now though.

Falling I'm glad you have been a bit clearer about what you meant.

Lady apologies if I offended you I know you can't put a timescale on mental health recovery. I do think though that OP you managed to get a message to a bridesmaid so maybe the hosts thought you would contact them directly out of courtesy?

Unless they didn't know you had personally contributed to their wedding fund them not acknowledging that is very rude and implies they are annoyed. Hopefully after absorbing your email they will understand the situation.

Did you take several months to reply because you weren't well enough or was it because you felt embarrassed about time passing and the fact it had been left so long?

If they know about your illness and how it affects you, I would have expected an e-mail asking if you were ok

Hope you're doing well now

Sorry haven't read whole thread.

If someone meant enough to me to be invited to my wedding and had to cry off at the last minute because they were ill, I would have been in touch with them soon afterwards to check they were OK.

I'm really shocked at some of the PP saying they would be upset because they had paid for food etc. at the wedding and therefore might take a while to respond to your message now!

Really, really fucking shocked.

You cancelled on the day and took seven months to email them with an apology? YABVU - you should have sent a card within a week. And yes, I have had episodes of depression so I know that of which I speak. You should give them seven months to get back to you with a reply

I could not agree less debbie.

If any of my friends had cancelled on the day I'd have been in touch within a couple of weeks to see if they were OK.

They would too if I'd ducked theirs at the last minute.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to think about a wasted plate of food.

Bewitched the key issue is that the OP didn't 'cancel'. To me, cancelling involves making sure that your host knows you're not going to be there. And relying on a bridesmaid to do it just doesn't cut it. It's basic manners and if the OP was able to contact a bridesmaid, she was able to contact the couple themselves.
I don't think that there is anything 'bridezilla' or unreasonable about wanting to know if a guest is cancelling at the last minute. I'm really careful not to let my mental health issues give me an excuse for being rude or flaky with friends. If I can't cope with pre arranged stuff then I let them know. It's not a big ask.

op don't panic just yet. We got married last year and had a friend not turn up. We were disappointed, obviously, but not too bothered. Although, you've just reminded me I haven't contacted them yet - we've been grieving for the loss of my baby, dealing with MH issues of my FIL and having massive money issues so have actually been really reclusive since

lemon to imply the OP was rude and flakey is out of order, she wasn't well ffs! I would have done exactly the same, do the bride and groom really want bothering when they are getting ready?! I would have contacted someone else too as I would assume the B&G were busy.

I'm appalled that people are being so rude as to suggest that a bloody wedding is more important than her health and therefore she has "let them down" by not going.

If a friend tried to guilt me for not attending their wedding in these circumstances then I would realise that they can't really be a good friend at all, as real friends aresupportive and not self-absorbed tossers.

I had a guest not arrive at my wedding and I was really angry.

We'd had a limited number of guests and so seeing an empty chair at the venue and then at empty chair at the wedding breakfast really put me out. It had cost me about £80-90 for her to attend and for her to just not show up was I think very rude and disrespectful.

The first I heard of it was about 5 minutes before the ceremony when she went a text to my sister (bridesmaid) to say she wasn't coming as she was unwell.

I totally understood that people get ill but she could have let me know much earlier so we could have invited someone in her place. I would have really appreciated a text from her, just an apology they she couldn't come and best wishes for the day etc and I would have been fine but to not even let me know personally and tell my bridesmaid so last minute is poor form.

I didn't get in touch with her because I was too upset by her disregard or lack of manners. I ended up bumping in to her two months later (in that time she hadn't tried to contact me) and it was very, very awkward.

I agree with the other posters, yes you were ill which does happen but to not let the bride know and then not make contact for 7 months is a little bit off.

She probably felt a little bit annoyed by your email, not because of its content but because it would have bought back to her how angry she felt on the day, so hopefully after a few days of seething you may get an email back.

Sorry you've been ill with your MH though OP and I hope you're on the mend

Who actually gets angry because of this shit?! Why aren't people concerned rather than angry?!

Bloody hell no wonder I dislike weddings so much, it seems to make people really self-obsessed and genuinely believe that the world revolves around them.

I wouldn't be desperately trying to find out if they were ok if someone missed my wedding through Illness tbh. Some people are incredibly flakey, and to miss something like a wedding i Would have to be incapacitated ill- nurovirus or flu.

But I've learnt over the years many people feel the same way. We're all different.

I have had episodes of depression and anxiety btw, and also supported Ex DH through a complete breakdown. So I'm not naive

We had a relative drop out on the day of our wedding. Similar reasons, they texted MIL. That was fine with us, wouldn't have ever wanted someone to risk making themselves more ill just did a wedding. I didn't specifically contact them after as they aren't usually at all open about their MH, very private person who I knew was uncomfortable opening up about that sort of thing, so I just asked MIL to let them know that we hoped they were as OK as they could be and would feel better soon. I hope that was ok, feeling a bit bad seeing that pp would have contacted directly . She hasn't contacted us directly since either though (I wouldn't have expected her too) so maybe that was ok.

The food thing never even occurred to me until I saw this thread, I've just mentioned it to DH, who laughed as apparently BIL ate his own meal and the absent relative's greedy pig apparently thought that was a great result!

Glad you're feeling better op

Which was a roundabout way of saying YANBU to hope for a reply and that I agree with pp's general bemusement that anyone would be annoyed. I really really wouldn't be in that situation.

Yes I agree no one would be suggesting you'd go with a broken leg or vomiting bug but because it's a mental illness you were letting them down
No wonder people still struggle to get mental illnesses taken seriously
and I agree you did the right thing nor contacting the bride or groom. Day before -fine. But the day itself s so busy and also free from admin!

If they don't respond, then they are self-obsessed idiots!! Seriously, a wedding really isn't a big deal compared to mental health problems. You can't 'just get up' from a sick bed if you have proper flu however much you want to; equally you can't 'just get up' from severe depression and shrug it off for a day.

Unmumsnetty hugs for you - you sound lovely, but you've clearly been through the wringer.

Firstly, you haven't done anything wrong (obviously), and I think it's nice of you to have emailed them now.

I got married last July and wouldn't have been angry at anyone who missed the wedding due to any kind of illness. If I'm honest, I think I would have preferred not to find out through a third party on the day if at all possible. This is purely because I could've asked someone else if they wanted to attend in your place (I had 2 cases where people met their boyfriends/ girlfriends really close to the wedding date after RSVPs had been done and food was ordered- I'm sure one of them would've come along so that the place wasn't wasted). However I think on your case I would absoloutely understand why you notified through a bridesmaid on the day- I know what depression is like.

I couldn't attend a wedding a few years ago because I had horrendous flu. I let the bride and groom know 2 days before and they were fine. People get ill, it's part of life.

I hope you're feeling better now OP

If it were me I would be really pleased that you'd emailed and would certainly respond. It would mean a lot to me that you felt able to confide why you weren't able to make it.

I have never had depression but have known others who have suffered with it so do realise the effect it can have.

Maybe if you never gave a reason for not attending but then just expected things to go back to normal I would be upset.

Hope you're feeling better now

To be honest, it's pretty bad of them not to have checked how you were - so not even a thank you from them for the gift is really rather rude!! Inconsiderate of them not to check if you're ok. To give you a gauge of my opinions on this, had someone been a no-show at my wedding, I'd be concerned, but if they were the type who still had the motivation to be posting on f/book etc but said nothing to me or anyone involved in the wedding on the day or in advance, I'd be pissed off as it would feel like they didn't care - sounds like you'd had no motivation for anything, so your situation wouldn't fit into this.
Six months is a long time for nothing to be said by either side, but I know how difficult it can be to try to articulate what you want to say, without feeling guilty as hell whilst writing it, so I understand why you'd put it off.
Perhaps they just need time to absorb it & reply when they're able to articulate things the same.

If they don't respond, then they are self-obsessed idiots!!

That's quite a sweeping judgement to make without knowing the couple or their personal circumstances.

OP has said that the bride in question seemingly suffers from similar mental health problems to herself. Yet she's a 'self-obsessed idiot' if she doesn't respond to an email, is she?

Someone we invited to our wedding failed to show. He knew a few days in advance he wasn't going to come but didn't tell us.. He told some mutual friends who did come and they passed the message on. Then he didn't apologise for a few months. It has affected his friendship with dh and they hardly speak any more. 4 people just didn't show up and another texted me on the morning to say he was ill and couldn't come so i quickly phoned someone from the evening list and they took that place which avoided the money being wasted. You should have texted the bride or groom on the day. You were not too ill to tell the bridesmaid so that's not really a reason not to have told the bride and groom yourself. A message for them to have picked up the following day to apologise for not coming would surely have been possible? As you were able to message the bridesmaid. I understand you're ill but I've been there myself and really you could have done more.