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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not showing up to a wedding

83 replies

Okay377 · 25/04/2016 20:31

I didn't go to the wedding of some lovely friends last October. I was suffering badly with depression and had something of a breakdown. I desperately wanted to go but on the morning of the wedding couldn't. I don't have a dp so would have been going alone. The couple are good friends although not people I see that regularly - I didn't want to call the bride/groom on the morning of their big day so told a bridesmaid I wouldn't be coming. I gave money online to their wedding fund.

I haven't seen the couple since - I was pretty ill for several months. I've now emailed them to apologise, explain why, say their photos looked beautiful and I hope they are doing well and I see them soon.

I was actually at a wedding last summer which the bride (of october's wedding) didn't turn up to - I think for similar reasons.

AIBU to expect a reply to my email? I do feel dreadful that I didn't go.

OP posts:

A4Document · 25/04/2016 21:39

If you have been ill to the extent that you had to miss their wedding and haven't been up to contacting people, then if they're friends they should reply, and say how sorry they are that you've been so unwell. Anyone who thinks you've "let them down" or can't be bothered to maintain the friendship, probably hasn't suffered in the way you have. I'm sure most people wouldn't expect someone with a serious physical illness to be able to attend, and mental illness should be considered in the same way. It really wasn't your fault that you couldn't attend the wedding or get in touch for a while. Of course no-one would choose to suffer from an awful mental illness in preference to seeing a friend get married!

superwormissuperstrong · 25/04/2016 21:42

Reality is probably that the bridal couple weren't 'told' by the bridesmaid that you had contacted her to send apologies, as its easily the kind of thing that gets forgotten on a busy day like a wedding.
Would it have been clear that you specifically sent them a money gift? Or would it have just been part of a total fund that they would have seen? That may or may not explain any lack of thanks or response on their part - although I have seen an unfortunate trend in the last 5 or so weddings I've been to that thankyou's or acknowledgements are not sent anymore by the wedding couple.
So those things aside - a reasonable friend would respond eventually but it may take a while because of their own circumstances, an unreasonable or rude friend may not respond at all.
If I'm honest I would be pretty miffed that it took you so long to contact me. You say she has also missed a wedding for similar reasons - but do you know what private messages she may have sent to the bride that she let down?
I would probably judge your behaviour against many other things not just this one incident, do you regularly drop out and let down because of your illness, is the friendship a quality exchange or does it feel one sided, how much do I know or understand about your personal circumstances and your illness.
I'd probably give it a bit of time and then try a phone call. I think as a society we rely too much on text for difficult conversations which are better sorted out in a conversation or face to face, which is why friendships and society are far more fractured and selfish than they ever used to be.

Lemonblast · 25/04/2016 21:43

A4 document nobody has suggested that the OP was unreasonable not to attend

EweAreHere · 25/04/2016 21:57

You were ill. People who say they couldn't get over it are being cruel and don't truly understand mental illness like depression.

Mental illness is no different that physical illness. Imagine someone is laid up with a broken leg or a sick bug; you would understand. Mental illness shouldn't be treated any differently ... and yet people do.

So sorry, OP.

Thebrowntrout · 25/04/2016 21:58

I don't think it's that people don't understand more the very short notice and the fact it was indirect (through bridesmaid.)

WonderingAspie · 25/04/2016 22:01

You should have had a thank you note/card for your Contribution to their wedding fund. It's quite rude that you haven't had this acknowledgment. And yes they should really have the grace to reply to your email. How long ago did you send it? Maybe they don't check often?

A4Document · 25/04/2016 22:03

If someone couldn't attend a wedding due to a physical illness, I don't think people would say they'd be hurt/feel let down/question the friendship.

But here, people have said they would question the friendship, they'd be hurt or would feel let down. As it if was the OP's fault or choice.

It's like saying it was unreasonable of the OP to be so ill she couldn't attend.

A4Document · 25/04/2016 22:03

(that was to Lemon)

Original poster

Okay377 · 25/04/2016 22:04

Just to be clear - I was and am very sorry not to have been there. I would have loved to have gone and definitely would have if I could.

OP posts:

BillSykesDog · 25/04/2016 22:09

If the bride suffers from similar problems how do you know that's not the reason she's not up to replying now?

Helbelle75 · 25/04/2016 22:10

This happened at our wedding with a friend of mine, except she didn't even pass a message on. I was quite upset about it ( didn't spoil my day or anything, but a little hurt). She sent me a lovely letter about a month later, explaining everything, and of course I replied and all is fine now.
Theycshould acknowledge your email.

Original poster

Okay377 · 25/04/2016 22:18

I don't Bill. Infact I thanked someone upthread for a similar comment and suggested I'd have been better to word my op 'hope' rather than 'expect'

Thanks Helbelle that's good to know.

OP posts:

Lemonblast · 25/04/2016 22:18

The OP was not in any way unreasonable by not attending the wedding in the circumstances.
The OP was somewhat unreasonable not to text the couple/ask someone to text them to let them know she wasn't going. And somewhat unreasonable to have left it so long to contact them.
The OP is somewhat unreasonable to be upset at not receiving a prompt reply to her email.

And my resonse would be exactly the same if she'd had tonsillitis, or appendicitis or a tummy bug. If somebody thinks enough of you to invite you to their wedding, the very least that you should do is let them know if you're not going to be there WHATEVER the reason.

Original poster

Okay377 · 25/04/2016 22:28

Hi lemon as I said in the op I contacted a bridesmaid and asked them to let the couple know.

And I'm not asking for a prompt reply! I just hope they will.

OP posts:

A4Document · 25/04/2016 22:28

The OP was somewhat unreasonable not to text the couple/ask someone to text them to let them know she wasn't going. And somewhat unreasonable to have left it so long to contact them.

Depression can rob people of any motivation or wish to do anything, giving instead a devastating feeling that nothing matters or is worth anything. People don't think in the same way when depressed. So if she hadn't even contacted the bridesmaid, that would still be understandable. It's also understandable, for the same reasons, that she didn't get in touch with them for a while afterwards.

She did contact the bridesmaid, and rightly didn't want to interrupt the bride and groom as they were getting ready.

If someone has a tummy bug it doesn't usually affect their mind's focus or ability to find any reason for doing anything.

Keely93 · 25/04/2016 22:30

You explained, give them time to reply, but I've had depression myself before, excruciatingly awful, it's not an illness that people can see, so the money spent on your meal is regardless, I had counselling and anti depressants and mood stabilisers and a hospital stay for it all, so you have my sympathy and understanding, if they're understanding people and decent friends they will reply, things aren't always black and white.

Falling270 · 25/04/2016 22:45

You did the best you could on the day but to be honest I think you could have tried to contact them sooner than several months after the wedding and if I were in the bride's shoes I think that is what would grate on me most. One of my best friends has sometimes debilitating depression where he can't do anything. Sometimes he goes off radar for a couple of weeks etc as he can't get in touch and is too ill. If he didn't attend my wedding for this reason I of course wouldn't hold it against him but I'd be bitterly disappointed. A wedding is a once in a lifetime (hopefully) and very special event for the couple and I would expect if you had RSVP'd yes then you should barring a disaster turn up on the day. When disaster strikes and you can't be there I think two weeks is a reasonable amount of time to show the couple the gratitude and respect of explaining what happened. Several months is too long. I expect they may feel hurt and let down by this.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 25/04/2016 22:52

I'm literally gobsmacked at the posters saying they would be disappointed if a friend didn't make their wedding because they were mentally ill - how fucking self centred can you get?!

OP, I'm sure your friend will be in touch. I hope you are on the mend now and things are getting better

lorelei9here · 25/04/2016 22:58

Wedding entitlement never ends...

meridithssister · 25/04/2016 23:08

I am trying to think how I would email you back if I were the bride. I would need to think about the wording to make sure I am sympathetic of your illness and thank you for your gift.
Also, the couple haven't bothered to see how op is doing or thank her for the gift so they are pretty unreasonable too, wedding or no wedding.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 25/04/2016 23:09

Indeed Lorelei, it's astounding!

RuthyToothy · 25/04/2016 23:16

Also, the couple haven't bothered to see how op is doing or thank her for the gift so they are pretty unreasonable too, wedding or no wedding.

That's not really a fair assessment. No one on this thread has any idea what that couple might have going on in their lives right now which might have taken priority over replying to emails. The OP has already alluded to the wife suffering from similar MH issues to herself.

MimsyBorogroves · 25/04/2016 23:19

You did the right thing, OP, and if they don't reply then more fool them. I can't understand people who get so het up about their own weddings - yes, it's a big occasion in their lives - but really, it's only that significant for them. It's nice for their guests but expecting the same levels of excitement is a bit

You had every reason not to attend. You passed on a non intrusive message, you sent a gift and then you've followed up with an email. What more can you do? Honestly, don't fret - decent friends wouldn't have you grovelling, but definitely give them time to reply.

For what it's worth, we had a small wedding - less than 25 guests. 2 of those didn't attend and we only found out they couldn't after the day itself. Has it affected the way we view them at all? No, because they had their own personal reasons for not being able to make it.

ChemistryHunt · 25/04/2016 23:21

I think two weeks is a reasonable amount of time to show the couple the gratitude and respect of explaining what happened. Several months is too long. I expect they may feel hurt and let down by this.

Some people may only take a couple of weeks to get over a severe depressive periods, others take months or even years before they are able to start doing the things they did before, even sending someone a message, particularly if you feel emotional over the subject you are messaging about.

You cannot put an exact time frame on mental health, much like physical recoveries.

Falling270 · 25/04/2016 23:28

ChemistryHunt

I don't disagree with you that you can't put a timescale on recovery, of course that's true. Maybe two weeks is not fair but I'm trying to see it from the couples POV and think of how they would have felt.

If someone doesn't turn up to an occasion like that when the B&G have probably spent £££ hosting them and then doesn't explain why for several months I think the couple may have felt a bit Of course now the OP has emailed explaining if they're good friends they'll understand (especially if the bride suffers in a similar way to the OP). I don't for a second think the OP did anything wrong by not attending the wedding no one could, but several months to offer a reason why is quite a long time. That could be the reason for no response. Or it could be that the B&G have been busy and will respond in due course. Obviously I have no clue as I don't know the people in question but I do think they may be thinking along the lines of you could have got in touch sooner, even with a text to say why you didn't show up.

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