Not showing up to a wedding

[Okay377]

I didn't go to the wedding of some lovely friends last October. I was suffering badly with depression and had something of a breakdown. I desperately wanted to go but on the morning of the wedding couldn't. I don't have a dp so would have been going alone. The couple are good friends although not people I see that regularly - I didn't want to call the bride/groom on the morning of their big day so told a bridesmaid I wouldn't be coming. I gave money online to their wedding fund.

I haven't seen the couple since - I was pretty ill for several months. I've now emailed them to apologise, explain why, say their photos looked beautiful and I hope they are doing well and I see them soon.

I was actually at a wedding last summer which the bride (of october's wedding) didn't turn up to - I think for similar reasons.

AIBU to expect a reply to my email? I do feel dreadful that I didn't go.

I think the right thing to do would have been to contact them yourself shortly after the wedding.

It's fine if you're too ill to go, but I do think that is basic courtesy and I am sure you can manage a quick message.

I am sure you can manage a quick message.

Someone with depression cannot always manage to get up or complete simple tasks.

I am really quite surprised at the number of posters who are very black and white about things. I have been that person who just couldn't go to an event. I have also had people not show up to my wedding, I am guessing, for their own personal reasons. It makes me realise just how little people understand about depression and makes me very sad. I hope you are feeling better OP and I hope your friends get in contact soon

I also have to say that when you are very ill with depression it just isn't a case of "you could have done more" "you should have send a text" etc. The assumption of rudeness and not a serious sometimes life-threatening illness is shocking really.

A4 OP was able to message, she messaged the bridesmaid.

I think it's disingenuous and extreme to claim that the OP was unable to do anything but miss it. It's uncommon for depression to be life threatening- that would be at the extreme end of the scale and no indication that was the case here.

What the OP seems to be insinuating (which is far more common with depression) is that she felt unable to cope with leaving the house that day. And that may well be the case.

But lots of people are also quite flakey and it's not really possible to tell whether that was the case here. It may be what the B&G think though.

The fact is several months later is too late to apologise for not turning up to a wedding. As the OP is good friends with the couple I'm sure they'll understand in hindsight but I wonder if it was embarrassment and not an episode lasting several months that prevented the OP making contact? I'm guessing in the several months after the event OP you were able to contact and speak to other people?

With all the information in sure the couple will be concerned about your wellbeing and move on from it, but really you did leave it too long.

TBH, the fact you didn't even tell her you weren't coming, nor contact them for several months, in my my mind would make the friendship over.

Unless you literally couldn't function at all for those months you could have sent an email/letter/text a lot sooner.

My friend told my MiL a few days before the wedding she wasn't coming. I wrote to her and said if she didn't want to be friends etc but she said she did when she wrote back. We used to write, nothing unusual in that after I moved, but I never heard from her again. Still no idea what was going on. I thought we were close friends .