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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH is being slightly selfish?

77 replies

Onthedowns · 22/04/2016 17:30

DS is 7 weeks , 3 weeks corrected as premmie. Hard work silent reflux still being sorted doesn't sleep flat, won't sleep unless upright ! Also have 4 yr dd . We are both suffering sleep deprivation. Averaging 4-5 hours a night, I have been up since 345. DH has been planning a night out since DS was 4 weeks old. He's out tonight AIBU to feel pissed off? I am exhausted as well as running house and dd etc. He is already tired go out drinking and be home 2-3 in morning Therefore wipe out tomorrow as won't be in fit state to watch children. Tiredness catches up doesn't it. I know everyone needs down time but I wasn't expecting so soon, none of his friends have children either. He said if I had said I wasn't happy he wouldn't arrange( I did got moaned at) I think he should be bit more considerate to situation? Or am I just pissedoff as so tired

OP posts:

harshbuttrue1980 · 22/04/2016 17:42

I don't think there's anything wrong with him going out - it sounds like his first time of going out after the baby was born, and after 7 weeks he needs some time with friends to relax. People need to have other things in their lives than work, partner and kids. HOWEVER - you also need the same! He would be being totally unfair if he had a break and wasn't prepared to look after the kids for you to have one too. So, if he goes out this weekend, then you should get to do the same next weekend, whether for a girls' night out or a girlie lunch, whatever you would prefer. Time apart will make you both feel more rested and refreshed.

FusionChefGeoff · 22/04/2016 17:44

That would piss me off. I did all night wakings so Sat / Sun morning were lie in (8am!) time.

I understand he needs some time out etc and if you had an easy baby, then off you go and fill your boots DH. But as its been hard and you are so sleep deprived, I'd ask him if he can wait a few weeks.

GraysAnalogy · 22/04/2016 17:47

I think it's fair as long as you get to do the same. Completely understandable that you're knackered and pissed off about this though. But social life has got to start somewhere. I honestly don't think there's ever a right time in the first few years. There's always something to hold you both back from going out and having fun. I defo wouldnt accept him lying in bed all day the next day though, hangover or not.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 22/04/2016 18:06

I think it's just that DS screams constantly due to reflux , he Doesn't sleep and 9-12 was my guaranteed 3 hours. I understand time out but he's boy been out of hospital 4 weeks, I just don't get urgency. DH will be wiped out tomorrow and tomorrow night.

OP posts:

GraysAnalogy · 22/04/2016 18:13

Is it a 'wet the babbys head' sort of affair? I know when me and DP had DS DP's friends planned one to celebrate, I thought it a bit too early too.

What's he like when you talk to him about it?

Have you got any family at all who could help you out? I didn't so I know how even more crappy it is

neonrainbow · 22/04/2016 18:14

Why does he need to stay out so late and get so drunk? Can't he compromise and go for a couple of hours?

LindyHemming · 22/04/2016 18:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNaze73 · 22/04/2016 18:15

I think he needs a night out with his friends & so do you. You'll both go cabin crazy otherwise. Book something with your friends

Original poster

Onthedowns · 22/04/2016 18:16

Yes I think so, not at the moment to help. He gets stroppy when I mention it and says I should speak up but when I do he has a go cos I make him feel guilty.

OP posts:

magoria · 22/04/2016 18:17

Why can't he go out, have a few beers and come home?

Why the need to drink so much he is completely wasted the next day?

Even with a stonking hang over he can get up, feed a baby and change it's nappies.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 22/04/2016 18:18

Yes he will drink that much and on top of tiredness, he will be no use tomorrow. He can't compromise on time often says won't drink that much, won't be home late etc and never does.

OP posts:

GraysAnalogy · 22/04/2016 18:18

Yeahh I mean surely he could reign himself in a bit!

GeorgeTheThird · 22/04/2016 18:19

If he goes, he has to crack on with everything tomorrow. He can't have a 36 hour pass out at this stage, it's not fair on you.

GraysAnalogy · 22/04/2016 18:20

oh OP :( He's no right getting stroppy over you sharing your concerns. I'd be bloody concerned if he's going to drink himself into oblivion. He's basically going to be a write off for 2 days!

GeorgeTheThird · 22/04/2016 18:20

Sorry cross post. Well he'll have to bloody well stay in then.

LaPharisienne · 22/04/2016 18:23

Not saying that in your shoes I wouldn't feel hard done by, but maybe the thing to do is plan an evening for you to do whatever you want leaving him with the baby.

I suppose other people's lives may not necessarily be relevant, but lots of women are single mothers or have partners who work away from home and they have to do it all on their own all the time. I think there's a risk your husband will think you're being unreasonable if you don't let him go out for one night...

Danglyweed · 22/04/2016 18:26

I feel your pain, its not fair, make sure he suffers for it tomorrow screaming baby first thing will be perfect for his poor head. My dh best mate's stag night (well fri-sun) was two weeks after I had our dt's(10 weeks early), I stupidly insisted he HAD to go. Took our two older dd's with me to scbu on the sat and it was a fucking nightmare, so he promised he would be back by 10am sunday at the latest so I could head to the hospital myself... the shit rolled in at 3pm after stopping at the pub for a hair of the dog he suffered that week!!

Original poster

Onthedowns · 22/04/2016 18:29

I get that but having a baby in scbu for 3 weeks then so unsettled after makes it difficult to justify the urgency. Mentally shattering as well

OP posts:

GraysAnalogy · 22/04/2016 18:29

I'm fully for parents going out and enjoying themselves, even a few weeks after birth - but he's taking the piss if he things he can opt out of parenthood for all that time because he can't curb his drinking

strawberrypenguin · 22/04/2016 18:29

Going out is one thing but out til 2 or 3 and useless the next day is another. I'd be ok with him having an evening out but not what you are talking about.

toomuchtooold · 22/04/2016 18:30

Jesus no you're not BU. My girls were 4 weeks early too, they eat little and often in those first few weeks and it's murder. I sometimes used to hallucinate between feeds, I was so sleep deprived. I think at this point, going out at all is a bit of a pisstake - don't see why it couldn't wait till your DS is about 3-4 months corrected, at which point as you know it'll be tons easier - but if he is going out then a 3am finish is really over the top.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 22/04/2016 18:33

He's not unreasonable for wanting some time off. He is unreasonable to get completely sloshed like you're predicting, and be out of action for 36 hours. So text him now, and ask him to be home by 10pm at the latest, as he'll be up at 7am with the kids.

GraysAnalogy · 22/04/2016 18:34

10 is a bit early. I only go out at 9!

Furiosa · 22/04/2016 18:40

That's a shitty thing to do.

Drinking with his mates can wait until everyone is more settled.

Can you tell him you need him at home?

Original poster

Onthedowns · 22/04/2016 19:49

He will never be home early! That's half the issue if he went for a few then home reasonable time but it won't be!

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