To think DH is being slightly selfish?

[Onthedowns]

DS is 7 weeks , 3 weeks corrected as premmie. Hard work silent reflux still being sorted doesn't sleep flat, won't sleep unless upright ! Also have 4 yr dd . We are both suffering sleep deprivation. Averaging 4-5 hours a night, I have been up since 345. DH has been planning a night out since DS was 4 weeks old. He's out tonight AIBU to feel pissed off? I am exhausted as well as running house and dd etc. He is already tired go out drinking and be home 2-3 in morning Therefore wipe out tomorrow as won't be in fit state to watch children. Tiredness catches up doesn't it. I know everyone needs down time but I wasn't expecting so soon, none of his friends have children either. He said if I had said I wasn't happy he wouldn't arrange( I did got moaned at) I think he should be bit more considerate to situation? Or am I just pissedoff as so tired

Thank you the ones that fully understand me. I have had 2 hours sleep in 24 exhausted , DS is second baby with silent reflux although my dd was more manageable. I think my point was he is already sleep deprived why make it worse for everyone. It will effect today or whole weekend in fact as everyone catches up. Then dd suffers as both parents try to get sleep. I will be giving him till 8am I can't stay awake any longer. And no I don't want nights out ir days away I am shattered from a premature baby,scbu and a dreadful uncomfortable miserable baby. DH helps with baby when can but little esle, yes I am on mat leave but this is no different to before I do all cooking, cleaning washing ironing. I don't begrudge him a break but so soon feels sekfishv

Missing the point of the thread slightly but have you looked into CMPA? My DD was the same with sleep and being upright and it turned out she had a milk allergy, along with reflux. Once she was dairy free she started sleeping on her own and flat again.

Hope you get some sleep soon

Thanks we have a private paed appt today of all days!!!! Lunchtime! To get this looked at after trying other avenues. DH also gets downtime with bike rides football training so I am not a complete bitch!

We got an agency 'nurse' at this stage. She was from a nursing agency, but when we rang and explained that we wanted infant care the agency said this lady, a granny of huge family, about 50yo, was cheaper and would meet our needs.

The first time we used her, I'd had minor surgery that needed a GA, so I couldn't BF for 24hrs. Minor panic as I hadn't enough time to produce and store a 24 hr supply. Anyway, she was fantastic, I slept like the dead (drug induced😊), and was all the better for it.
We used her a couple of times after, not for a night out, just for sleep.

It wasn't cheap, it's a good professional service, but I'd go that route again if I was in that situation. One good night sleep can help for ages.

It's like MN bingo. Spa day, have a night out yourself and now employing staff to help! Why not get a whole team of staff. Nanny, cleaner, you will easily be able to afford it if you stretch a chicken to make meals for a week.

Which is the snarky cow smiley?

YANBU OP, and your DH is being selfish. I had an awful time with DD as a newborn, PND, literally zero sleep (she would only sleep upright on someone for the first 6 weeks). My DH was as useless as I was with DD, BUT he didn't leave me to go for a night out. We worked through it together. If he'd gone out drinking while I was in the state and trying to cope I would have seriously reevaluated my relationship.

I hope he sorts himself out today, and takes the baby so you can catch up on some sleep.

A bit unfair Lunar - OP doesn't say how much money she has and for some people (not me!!) that is a genuine option.

Fuck the ironing. Seriously. If it's for him, he can iron his own shirts. Reduce the homework to a bare minimum for now.
Let him sleep it off. Be civil, I know it's hard with the sleep deprivation.
Double your guaranteed hours off tomorrow and no discussions about it.

Agree with pps. Alot of mums (I know not all) are NOT having a fab time off meeting mummy mates, relaxing while their poor dh has to go to work. My mat leaves were the hardest thing I've ever done and i wouldn't have known how to even have washed my hair to be presentable enough to turn up at a spa ( I hate them anyway but that's beside the point)

You should go and wake your dh, hand over the baby, give a rudimentary update on where you are in the routine for today, shut the door, don't give a time you'll be back down. It won't necessarily stop him doing it again but he will know the lay of the land if he does.

People need more in their lives than just work and their partner. When things get crap in life, friends are vitally important, for BOTH partners. OP, you said that you were upset that he was going out "so soon". I'd be climbing the walls if I didn't see my girlfriends for 7 weeks, and my partner would be the same if he didn't see his friends. I get that its a hard time for you, but he needs to let off steam and have a break. You need the same, although perhaps you do get to see friends as you're on mat leave. I think you'd be perfectly entitled next weekend to hand the baby to your partner and go to sleep for 12 hours if you need that more than a night out. You should both be looking to be kind to each other and have breaks, not insisting that you both suffer together every minute of the day.

Thanks everyone I am off to bed for a few hours as we have paed appt at 12! And No I am not off with mummy mates our finances don't allow this or spa days, I am struggling to make time for my hair at the moment let alone anything esle. Surviving in a diet of tea and biscuits

Plus he has seen his 'mates' been in a long bike ride, football training. I don't see my friends as much as they are at work! Plus with a dd and miserable baby it's hard to get out especially when you have to watch finances. As DS came early this has out extra strain toi

It would be ok if he went out just for a few hours. Can't he control his drinking? I think that's pretty pathetic tbh.

Lunar I didn't say he should be allowed to sleep all day! I suggested waking him up mid-morning. If he's too hungover to safely look after baby, he can do laundry/housework instead then take over to let OP sleep.

Don't underestimate the need for time away from baby. Even if DH just takes him out for a day so you can sleep. I wasn't suggesting a spa-day flippantly, I didn't want one until DH booked it. The joy of a few hours in a hot tub, jacuzzi and being massaged was indescribable. I went with my best friend. I was too shattered to talk much so we just sat in silence enjoying the quiet. Just being out of the house, out of earshot of the screaming, and not covered in baby-sick, in the company of a sympathetic friend, was enough to change my whole outlook.

However, I do think your DH was being selfish to drink heavily when he needs to be on duty the next day. If mine did this I would insist he takes baby out for the whole afternoon so I can get 4-5 hours sleep.

I don't think it's worth falling out over though. The last thing you want on top of everything is a huge row.

As for mat-leave, why are you doing all the housework, ironing etc? I didn't enjoy the first few months, it was more survival. But I did feel sorry for my DH, as he was stuck in an office in a high-stress job then commuting 2hours home, then helping with baby and suffering broken nights etc. Whereas I could pop baby in sling and go out all day in the fresh air, in the company of friends who understood how hard it was.

OP sorry just saw your latest update about finances. There are still loads of free things you can do out of the house with a baby. Doing things with 'mummy-mates' can be as simple as a day at the park or a long walk. I made loads of friends through breastfeeding groups, messy play at children's centre, free baby-swim sessions at local pool and storytime at the library.

I can't stay up till mid morning as I am too tired having been up since 345 Friday morning plus we have s paed appt st 12 today for DS and need to leave at 1130. I don't unfortunately have lots of mummy friends to go out with and also have a 4 year old to look after during week. Yes DH does work hard but I think my mental state to look after two children is important too.

Can't you go an wake him and hand him the baby to take out for a walk for a few hours with your DD, then you can sleep before your appointment?

I've had a SCBU baby, it's bloody exhausting/terrifying/traumatising and three weeks after you'll still be feeling it.

No he should not have gone out if that's how you are feeling. I'm very sceptical of all this "away" from the baby stuff. I don't think most people skip away on nights out. My baby was still permanently attached to the boob at 7 weeks and I didn't want to be away from the baby either.

Hope today gets better for you.

The reason you are not going out with friends is because it's not appropriate for a grown up to do so, when they have a poorly baby, and another DC to look after. Which should also be his reason for not going out.

Adults don't need to go out drinking with mates. They may like to, but that's different.

You feel you would be a "bitch" if he couldn't go out to football training and cycling, but he's not at all concerned that you have had 2 hours sleep in 24! On the one side, your basic human survival needs are barely being met. He doesn't feel like a prick about that. On the other side, you would feel like a bitch if he couldn't continue his hobbies?

I am surprised that so few people think this chap should get a night off...

What would you lot think of/ say to a wife whose husband who worked away and wouldn't be around more than one week a month after the birth? Or whosr husband in the army was going on tour a couple of weeks after the birth for six months?

Sorry should read think of a husband, say to his wife..

Yes your mental state is important. So is his. You say he is also suffering with sleep deprivation so presumably he helps out most nights?

I think he should be allowed an occasional day/night off.

At one stage my DS was waking every 45mins and I was lucky to get 3 hours of broken sleep each night. DH helped by taking over some evening/weekend days so I could clock up a few hours extra sleep. However, he still went about his normal life- he met friends, went on a work trip, had the occasional night out. The stress of a non-sleeping reflux baby affects both of you. You both need time out. If you don't want to be away from baby fair enough but it seems harsh to say he can't take a night off either. What if baby's doesn't improve for months?

As for going out, I consider that vital for my mental state. I also fnd my DS is always calmer and happier when he has lots of stimulation and fresh air. From 3weeks old I would strap him into Ergo and go for long walks, to cafes, to baby groups etc. Fresh air and things to look at calm him down and he likes being able to sleep upright. Not sure why you feel you can't go out because of 4-year-old? Lots of the free mum and baby groups in my area are aimed at toddlers too. I also joined a mums walking group and we regularly meet up at each other's houses- having that support network is vital! Sometimes you just need someone to hold your baby for a bit so you can shower/eat/make a coffee. Or just to chat to others in the same boat.

As for sleep deprivation, awful as it is, 4-5hours a night is pretty standard when you have a young baby.
8months in and I consider 5hours of sleep a good night! If I've had a run of bad nights I start feeling shattered and dazed, so DH will take over the first half of the night and I'm on duty from midnight. That way I can get 4 extra hours if I go to bed by 8.

As for housework/cooking/ironing there's no reason why you should be doing it all or feel you can't go out because you have too much to do. Delegate some to DH!

I didn't say I couldn't get out with a 4 year old I said I have to look after her too and I function on average 3 hours a night since he has been born including going back and forwards to scbu. I haven't had 4 hours straight since I don't know when. I have a sling and he is carried in it but the stress of having a constant screaming child who is in pain and unsettled, no sleep and a 4 year old those life has been upturned also is stressful. I go to a group for pre term babies once s week

He can have an evening off. Just not the whole night and the following day too.