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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH is being slightly selfish?

77 replies

Onthedowns · 22/04/2016 17:30

DS is 7 weeks , 3 weeks corrected as premmie. Hard work silent reflux still being sorted doesn't sleep flat, won't sleep unless upright ! Also have 4 yr dd . We are both suffering sleep deprivation. Averaging 4-5 hours a night, I have been up since 345. DH has been planning a night out since DS was 4 weeks old. He's out tonight AIBU to feel pissed off? I am exhausted as well as running house and dd etc. He is already tired go out drinking and be home 2-3 in morning Therefore wipe out tomorrow as won't be in fit state to watch children. Tiredness catches up doesn't it. I know everyone needs down time but I wasn't expecting so soon, none of his friends have children either. He said if I had said I wasn't happy he wouldn't arrange( I did got moaned at) I think he should be bit more considerate to situation? Or am I just pissedoff as so tired

OP posts:

crazywriter · 22/04/2016 19:54

He needs a night, Yes but still needs to be a parent the next day. YANBU to expect that and be pissed off if it doesn't happen. My DH knows that he gets no sympathy for a hangover (hes known that from day one) and he's expected to do everything as normal. I'm expected the same because it's all self inflicted.

FusionChefGeoff · 22/04/2016 21:03

It's all very well saying to OP to book herself a night out so she feels ok about this plan, but what I wanted / needed more than anything was SLEEP - a night out would have been my idea of hell. So for DH to be out of action all night and in the morning is a double whammy.

There's no rush! Priority at the moment has to be caring for DC and sleeping and eating. Only when those basics are covered does anyone even start to think about going out on the piss until 3am.

Me624 · 22/04/2016 21:10

I am in exactly the same boat tonight DS is 7 weeks too (although not preemie and no reflux so your situation is definitely worse). I do every single night feed during the week as DH has to be well rested for work (drives a lot). He is therefore supposed to help out more at the weekends, but he's gone out with the lads tonight and won't be in until the early hours. He will be as useless as your DH tomorrow and his hangover will last well into the evening. Last weekend he was preparing for a big work event so he didn't help then either, I am starting to feel rather resentful.

LisaRinnasLips · 22/04/2016 21:21

Anyone who can take 4 year old tomorrow?

sammyjayneex · 22/04/2016 21:27

Men can be selfish. My husband went on a bander with his cousin 7 Days after giving birth to my 3rd child. Considering your baby is on 7 weeks on and spent 3 weeks in special care your gonna be exhausted. He could be more sensitive and stay at home with you.

Tumtitum · 22/04/2016 21:29

He sounds like my husband!!! He tells me to speak up if I don't want him to go out but I know he'd make me feel guilty somehow, even without meaning to! That said, I think he's only been out twice since our DD was born (10 weeks now) and both times he left me set the time he had to be home (I was quite generous as I knew if I said too early he'd only end up staying out later...) and he didn't get so drunk that he was useless the next day. So maybe he will be able to reign it in a bit if you have an honest chat and tell him that you don't mind him having some downtime but asking if you could set some limits??

Original poster

Onthedowns · 22/04/2016 21:32

I feel your pain me624. DS was asleep now awake won't settle as soon as put in crib for past 30 mins, trying not to wake dd also . I am on my knees and in tears as I have been up since 345 and no one to help, I haven't had a break since birth and he came early so I don't get the rush as to why he needs sneak first !

OP posts:

Original poster

Onthedowns · 22/04/2016 21:34

My dd is fine but because ds doesn't settle with reflux too he doesn't sleep well in the day either it's exhausting

OP posts:

scotsgirl64 · 22/04/2016 21:45

When my dd2 ( elcs)was 3 wks old and be and dd1 3 ,my husband would regularly do 3 day on call weekends as medical reg with no family nears to help....maybe you need to arrange some time for yourself too?

BeaArthursUnderpants · 22/04/2016 21:51

OP YANBU to think your DH should not be taking 36 hours off of parenting at this stage. But are you sure that's what he's planning? Or are you just assuming that because of how he acted at other (presumably less stressful) times? I do think it's fair that he should get a few hours out if that's what he feels he needs, but to be completely useless the whole next day AND night is unacceptable. Have you considered agreeing to the one night out but making it clear he is expected to start pulling his weight again at 7 am the next morning, no excuses? Remember that this is a hard time for him too, admittedly not as hard as for you but it's not a competition. Just because his way of cutting loose a bit isn't what you would choose doesn't make it wrong. Cut him some slack, as he should for you next weekend when you hand over both kids and go into a dark room alone for 12 hours, interrupted only if you are breastfeeding for him to bring you the baby for feeds only and then collect her for all soothing, bouncing, crying, etc that follows after.

Original poster

Onthedowns · 22/04/2016 21:53

I just don't get the rush with a high needs baby and yes I know he will be the same he always is! Having a baby with such bad reflux is horrendous I will be up most of the night. And I don't know why the urgent rush when he's only 7 weeks?

OP posts:

Original poster

Onthedowns · 23/04/2016 06:07

He rolled in at 245 this morning as expected I have been in my lounge all eve with unsettled DS 2 hours sleep in 24.

OP posts:

Lunar1 · 23/04/2016 06:22

Well he's had over 3 hours sleep. So it your turn now, wake him up hand over ds and go to sleep. I'd be waking him up, even if it involved a bucket of water.

thisagain · 23/04/2016 06:22

Don't let him off parenting today though. He's had his night out but that was last night and it is done. If it were my husband, I'd leave him until 10am (which I think is more than generous) and then expect him to help out from then. Give him a chance to wake up properly and then go back to bed.

GreenRug · 23/04/2016 06:22

I think you're going to need to have an honest chat with him. Your situation isn't the normal new born exhaustion, it's caught up in more than that and frankly, I actually would expect him to not go out at all if you'd been up since 3.45am with the prospect of a difficult day ahead and another night of no asleep followed by a day of him being out of action through a hangover. Just no fucking way. He is a grown up, he can go out when he likes, he can get drunk. But it mustn't then negate his role in parenting the following day. He will have to get on with it. But you need to tell him that. Very matter of fact, no need for an argument, he needs to know where he stands. I am myself sleep deprived right now but no where near what you must be, be kind to yourself, but stick up for yourself! Good luck for the day ahead.

Spandexpants007 · 23/04/2016 06:24

Can't he just go out for a few hours but not get rat arsed. Like normal people

Spandexpants007 · 23/04/2016 06:25

Just ready our last post. He needs to give you a break today. You need to sleep

InlandTiger · 23/04/2016 06:31

I think YABU if it's just an occasional night out. Let him go but don't let him sleep in all day afterwards- wake him up late morning and give him lots of household chores to do (things he can do safely while hungover).

Having a baby is hard hard work (I have an 8-month-old who had awful reflux until 5months, so I sympathise). But you both need a break and sometimes one needs to take on more to let the other have a headbreak. Can you start planning an evening or day out for yourself? When my DS a few months old I had a spa day which was bliss. I expressed milk, left a list of instructions and went out for a whole day. I would have been upset if DH complained it was unfair to leave baby with him while he was tired and that we should both be on duty all the time!

My DH found it hard coping with work and lack of sleep (and a long commute) so I did nearly all night wakings on week nights. When we hit 4 month sleep regression I was managing on 3-4hours a night for months and a 3-hour sleep stretch was a rare luxury! DH still went for occasional nights out, drinks after work, the odd night away. I felt it was important for his wellbeing that he kept up a social life, you can't put everything on hold for months. You get used to sleep deprivation. I was on mat leave so had all day to socialise with mum friends and do fun stuff like baby cinema, long walks with pram etc. Whereas DH was stuck at work in an office all day with little chance to talk to friends or relax.

Could you divide your weekends up a bit eg he has Saturday to himself, you have Sunday to yourself? Or let him have Fri night to do his own thing and have him take over with baby Sat noon?

Lunar1 · 23/04/2016 06:37

For fucks sake, the op doesn't want a night out or a spa day, she wants to sleep.

She's not even objecting to the night out, she's objecting to the pathetic sod then taking another 24 hrs recovery time while she has had 2 hours sleep again.

He's been a greedy pig, how the hell will a spa day help anything!

HermioneJeanGranger · 23/04/2016 06:47

Wake him up, hand over baby, go to bed, lock door, earplugs in, go to sleep. Let him deal with it. Nights out don't give you a pass to stay in bed all day once you're a parent, I'm afraid.

VashtaNerada · 23/04/2016 06:52

One night out I would probably forgive but it all depends on how he is generally. Is childcare being split 50:50 the rest of the time? Having been on maternity leave with a baby and worked FT with a baby I don't believe for one second that the working parent has it harder - DH and I always split childcare 50:50 when we were both home and made sure we each got some rest.

StubbleTurnips · 23/04/2016 06:54

What Lunar said.

It's wake up time I'm afraid, hand baby over with a cup of strong coffee and go get some sleep.

43percentburnt · 23/04/2016 06:55

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think it's very selfish. Also as for men not helping in the night due to long commutes and work the next day, how do single mothers, women with stay at home husbands and working mothers cope? They still end up waking in the night to breastfeed etc. no let off due to their commute and long days ahead.

There is no way I would go out on the piss and leave my dh to struggle - very selfish.

NotSayingImBatman · 23/04/2016 06:56

thisagain 10am? Ten a-fucking-m?!

The OP has been awake and on duty since pretty much 3.45am yesterday. If you have a high needs, refluxy baby (and I've had two of the buggers) sleep becomes your most precious commodity. He deprived himself of it by staying out until 2.45, why should the OP suffer while he gets a full night?

OP, go and wake him up and hand him his son and get some sleep. If nothing else you're not going to be fit to look after two children on two hours sleep in twenty-four.

prettywhiteguitar · 23/04/2016 07:03

I think is struggle to get to sleep because I'd be bloody fuming that he is so selfish

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