Mother in law inviting herself

[Curvylou11]

I wanted to start a new thread to carry on the subject of my MIL. I didn't want people to have to read the whole topic again as this is something else that has bothered me a lot.
I have cooked Christmas dinner for my MIL and FIL for the past 17/18years, but the past few years she has started to invite herself, take it for granted, I was planning to just spend it with my dh and dc last Christmas until she said she would order the Turkey, luckily for me my oldest dd has a house of her own now and has invited us. This is my break, I will never spend Christmas cooking again, I will go out to a restaurant the year after

After 18 years did it not occur to you to tactfully tell her you wanted last Christmas on your own, instead of expecting her to wait for an invitation? No she shouldn't have presumed but you could have managed it better.

It's April! YABU to even be thinking about Christmas at this time of year.

Have you said anything to your daughter about invites this year? What does your DH say?

I agree. You have established a tradition of having her for Christmas. Until you say something to the contrary, she is not unreasonably assuming that it will continue.

If I'd been to the same house for 18 years for Christmas I wouldn't wait to be invited either. And it's April. April.

YABU here. Very much so.

Hang on...

Have I been in a coma and it's December already?!

She may invite herself to your DD's. Would that be ok or a bit of a pain?

You have established a tradition of having her for Christmas. Until you say something to the contrary, she is not unreasonably assuming that it will continue.

^This. She has been your guest every year for nearly 20 years. You can't be surprised that she thinks it will continue. You need to manage this situation and make it clear early on that she will need to make other plans.

If she has been coming every year, I am not surprised she just assumes.

If you are a family that plans this far in advance, you or dh need to tell her. Perhaps your dd will invite her to hers.

Tradition or not, I would never take it for granted or assume I am invited.
I tried to drop hints and say I was getting a little fed up of cooking every year and also said I might have been going away, MIL replied, "well if you are doing the dinner I will buy the turkey"
I try my best to keep the peace within this family by trying to accommodate mainly my dh parents, my mil starts asking what I'm doing for Christmas in September, I know it's only April but it's just another thing that frustrates me

It's April. Why the fuck are you stressing about Christmas? Seriously, pick your issues at appropriate times of the year.

Nobody said it was December, this is a discussion thread about any time of the year surely

And yes, almost two decades is a tradition. She's not unreasonable. I think it's quite sad you're pushing her out actually.

No need to swear either Paul that's inappropriate when I feel sensitive about these issues, the subject was about my MIL in general, her behaviour!!

Paul you're entitled to your opinion as I am mine! I just don't agree sorry

Grief... It's mumsnet, every other post contains a swear word. It's not an attack or a slight on you.

No the subject is about your MIL responding to a specific tradition after almost 20 years. There's no information at all about her behaviour in general.

Posters can only comment on the info they have. If there's a relevant back story, put it in the OP

I would assume I am invited after 18 years of doing it. I think you are doing well to tell them now so they can make alternative plans.

What does your dh want to do?

Just because you would wait to be invited for something that you have done every year, doesn't mean everyone is the same.

I would assume plans were the same. So would others

Veterinari, yes there is, when a person assumes, presumes, takes it for granted that someone is going to cook for them every year, that is plain bad manners, is bad manners not a behaviour?

In your opinion.

YABU and bizarre. Of course she thinks it'll be the same as the previous 18 years! What's making you put such a stroppy spin on this?

I agree that if I'd been invited to someone else's house every Christmas for the last 17 yrs or so, then by now I'd be assuming this was the family Christmas tradition.

So I think you need to stop dropping hints. Just come straight out with it and say "we're not hosting Christmas this year because we're going to DDs / don't want to cook / whatever"