Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Mother in law inviting herself

81 replies

Curvylou11 · 12/04/2016 17:00

I wanted to start a new thread to carry on the subject of my MIL. I didn't want people to have to read the whole topic again as this is something else that has bothered me a lot.
I have cooked Christmas dinner for my MIL and FIL for the past 17/18years, but the past few years she has started to invite herself, take it for granted, I was planning to just spend it with my dh and dc last Christmas until she said she would order the Turkey, luckily for me my oldest dd has a house of her own now and has invited us. This is my break, I will never spend Christmas cooking again, I will go out to a restaurant the year after

OP posts:

grapejuicerocks · 12/04/2016 18:49

I think after 18 years the onus is on you you make it clear that you want change the tradition. Its not unreasonable of mil to assume and not pick up on any vague hints.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 12/04/2016 18:51

Perhaps the poor woman feel obliged to attend and doesn't know how to break the tradition!

SavoyCabbage · 12/04/2016 18:54

That's lovely Limited.

My opinion is that if I went somewhere for 18 years I would assume I was going on the 19th year too. It's become a routine as well as a tradition.

Original poster

Curvylou11 · 12/04/2016 19:33

I will try to answer all of the questions if I can, I think my dd will be inviting my MIL AND FIL this year. I just feel after all these years I need a break, those of you who said about my hints, I should and could have dealt with it better and spoke up. After all my MIF has her DH, she wouldn't have been alone on Christmas Day. I don't feel not having her Christmas Day is abandoning her, abandoning is what she did to me when I couldn't Walk after breaking my leg, came out of hospital when my Dc were toddlers, my dh was away with work, MIL wasn't working and left me to cope on my own she only lived 5 mins away, and she told we we all have to get on with it. Someone also mentioned about me having a fixation, I don't, this is a discussion board therefore I am talking about the subject in hand. This has all been brought to a head because of the way she offended my brother a few days ago,it's not right or acceptable anymore

OP posts:

Haffdonga · 12/04/2016 19:38

YANBU not hosting her for Christmas.

YABU expecting her just to find this out without explaining to her kindly.
YABVU discussing Christmas in April.
YABFU complaining about swearing.

GabiSolis · 12/04/2016 19:41

I'm not sure of your history with MIL but on the basis of what you have written on this thread YABU.

You established a tradition over the course of nearly two decades, the fault here is yours, not that of your MIL which I'm sure you're probably deep down aware of.

I don't know what happened with your brother, but it sounds like you really don't like your MIL and your judgement may be clouded because of that.

NeedACleverNN · 12/04/2016 19:43

What Gabi said

There must be more to the story

It's shit she couldn't help you when your leg was broken but she had no obligation to help you.

GoblinLittleOwl · 12/04/2016 19:49

Boy, do you nurse your grudges!

Canyouforgiveher · 12/04/2016 19:51

It's shit she couldn't help you when your leg was broken but she had no obligation to help you.

Well by the same token the OP has no obligation to have her for christmas dinner so problem sorted.

My neighbour who I barely know broke her foot. I dropped her over 2 dinners yesterday and gave her my number in case she needs anything from the shops. And she isn't managing toddlers.

SaucyJack · 12/04/2016 19:53

"What does your dh want to do?"

Presumably exactly the same as his mother; IE sit on their backsides, whilst the OP does all the work.

I don't know why you're getting a kicking on here. I think you deserve a sainthood meself.

Your only fault has been to let it carry on for so long.

Canyouforgiveher · 12/04/2016 19:54

Boy, do you nurse your grudges!

I think that is very unfair on the OP. She has had the woman for christmas dinner for 18 years-hardly holding a grudge.

She was explaining that this isn't a woman who believes in family supporting each other through thick and thin which I think is fair enough.

Teacaddy · 12/04/2016 19:57

But whether you like her or not (and it's obvious there's a history of mutual dislike, by your account, from your other thread), her being at your house for Christmas has been an established thing for almost two decades. It's hardly surprising she's assuming it will continue. I don't think this at least is down to her being an unpleasant person, I think that (as suggested by previous posters) many people would assume it's what happens at Christmas, because that's what you want to happen. If it didn't suit you, you wouldn't have gone on doing it for so long...

You're under no obligation to host her next Christmas, and it's entirely understandable you want a break, though. But I don't think her assuming after 15 years or so that she's invited necessarily makes her rude or self-entitled.

AgentProvocateur · 12/04/2016 20:00

YABVU to make your Christmas arrangements in April. With that, and the obsessing over your MIL, it seems you have too much time on your hands. Get a hobby, go for a run or see some friends. Nursing your wrath isn't good for you.

Original poster

Curvylou11 · 12/04/2016 20:03

Thank you to the people who can see it from my point. I am a genuinely nice woman who has tried to keep everyone happy,but unfortunately it has backfired on me. Yes I should have spoken up and said I needed a break. Yes I suppose I hold a grudge but I do not nurse my grudges, I am merely answering questions people are asking.

OP posts:

PaulAnkaTheDog · 12/04/2016 20:13

Sorry OP but I'm really failing to see what you want from this thread.

Original poster

Curvylou11 · 12/04/2016 20:18

Paul I am answering people's questions, and if you read my replies you will see that I have taken onboard that it was my own doing by not speaking up about having breaks on Christmas Day, so yes I've gained something from others opinions

OP posts:

PregnantAndEngaged · 12/04/2016 20:25

OP, I'm sorry if you've been feeling attacked, I'm sure that's not peoples intention :)

I do agree with the others that it is easy for someone to presume they'd be coming for Christmas again this year if they have been doing it for 18 years prior. It's at that point I would have just said, I'm sorry this year I fancied a year off from cooking and my DD has invited me for dinner. That would be enough said then :) I know that you personally would not presume that you're invited automatically, but I don't think it's unreasonable either for your MIL to make this assumption. A tradition has basically been established.

TheCrumpettyTree · 12/04/2016 20:32

Where is your dh in all this? Or does his Christmas involve sitting on his arse whilst you do all the work.

Original poster

Curvylou11 · 12/04/2016 20:43

Thecrumpetytree, of course not, he helps out too, I would just like to have a Christmas Day not cooking, being able to enjoy exchanging presents and having a few drinks, I have never had a meal cooked for me by my MIL in 20 years, even when I broke my leg with small children, but I've learnt my lesson very late though

OP posts:

TheCrumpettyTree · 12/04/2016 20:54

Well that's ok then. So many of these type of threads are where the OP is running around like a headless chicken whilst the DH sits on his backside.

Your mil has never cooked for you in 20 years? I think it's about time she did Christmas.

Original poster

Curvylou11 · 12/04/2016 20:59

Thecrumpetytree no she hasn't and that's the truth. I need to have a break even just for a couple of years

OP posts:

Original poster

Curvylou11 · 12/04/2016 21:04

Pregnantandengaged, yes I can see that now, maybe my thoughts have been clouded over other issues, as someone said earlier

OP posts:

SabineUndine · 12/04/2016 21:09

If you really want to do something different, I would book a holiday abroad NOW, and tell your MIL straight away. Explain that you really feel the need to do something differently and say you hope she will be able to find someone else to spend Christmas day with.

Original poster

Curvylou11 · 12/04/2016 21:12

That is something I could consider Sabine

OP posts:

SuperFlyHigh · 12/04/2016 21:35

Whatever arrangements you want to make just be firm about them and follow them through. They're your Xmas just put plans in Place and refuse to budge. If MIL takes offence so be it. Sounds as if you've been Patient too long.

I always spend Xmas with mum and stepdad just pop round sometimes even stay (bringing cat).

DB however for past 6-7 years has been to his ILs at other end of country (they're SW England we're all London area), part of them not being able to stay with us (they could though) is his FIL is a paraplegic and stroke victim recoveree and also has cerebral palsy - he had his stroke I think 10 years ago now, they're well able to stay for a few days in London with their DD and DS and do so frequently. their xmases are week long events and as SIL gets on well with her DF but not DM then at least twice there's a blazing row between them with tears and MIL or SIL Storm out (I've been subjected to this on 2 family xmases).

My DB before happily went and got bored to tears and came to us for either NYE if he was allowed (not much) or Xmas eve/morning. Then he had to drive on Xmas day. However last year he out his foot down and although he went made it clear it wouldn't be the same again, his DW could go but he wouldn't. Plus they're having IVF for a baby now. My own DM would never make a fuss but doesn't really have the money or inclination to rent a cottage near ILs.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread