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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother in law inviting herself

81 replies

Curvylou11 · 12/04/2016 17:00

I wanted to start a new thread to carry on the subject of my MIL. I didn't want people to have to read the whole topic again as this is something else that has bothered me a lot.
I have cooked Christmas dinner for my MIL and FIL for the past 17/18years, but the past few years she has started to invite herself, take it for granted, I was planning to just spend it with my dh and dc last Christmas until she said she would order the Turkey, luckily for me my oldest dd has a house of her own now and has invited us. This is my break, I will never spend Christmas cooking again, I will go out to a restaurant the year after

OP posts:
paxillin · 12/04/2016 17:39

No, 20 years of doing something is not rude, it is tradition. But you can of course break it, tell her soon that it won't happen this year. Don't "hint". Say it isn't happening this year.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 12/04/2016 17:40

I feel quite sorry for the MiL. She's going to feel... I dunno... abandoned?

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 12/04/2016 17:41

Yes in my opinion Paul. I don't care how many times I went for a meal at someone else's home, family or none family, I just wouldn't invite myself or take it for granted

OP posts:
Original poster
Curvylou11 · 12/04/2016 17:42

Milk2 sugars well I'm afraid you don't know her do you

OP posts:
curren · 12/04/2016 17:43

But you are not your mil.

Lots of people are telling you that, in their opinion, they can see why it wouldn't be rude to assume.

Why did you post if you don't want others opinions?

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 12/04/2016 17:44

Of course I want other people's opinions, no need for swearing or rudeness

OP posts:
TheCrumpettyTree · 12/04/2016 17:45

You certainly don't have to cook this year. And for all those saying you've abandoned your mil, is the OP not entitled to a break after 18 years? I'm not surprised you've had enough. Equally what does your dh do.

FuriousFate · 12/04/2016 17:45

I would still check to be honest. Most years as a child, we went to my aunt and uncle's on Xmas Eve. It was pretty much set in stone. I reckon if I turned up at theirs on Xmas Eve this year, there'd be a family party of some kind on and I'd be more than welcome. However, every year without fail, DM and DAunt would have the same conversation - shall we come to you Xmas Eve and then you come to us Xmas morning? It's just good manners, isn't it?

Arfarfanarf · 12/04/2016 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paxillin · 12/04/2016 17:46

But you do see that many pps on this thread would assume it to be tradition and assume being invited. No biggie if the host says "not this year" or "no more". But if she doesn't then yes, I would assume, as does your IL. Just tell her. Hinting can mean all sorts of thing, it is too expensive (so she offered to buy the roast), it's too loud, it's too much work... You will have to speak up.

AdrenalineFudge · 12/04/2016 17:47

Having read your other thread I'd say you're not exactly coming out of this smelling of roses either. I can't understand why you are so fixated with her.

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 12/04/2016 17:47

Thank you thecrumpetytree

OP posts:
TheCrumpettyTree · 12/04/2016 17:47

Stop hinting. Hints don't get you anywhere. Or better still get your DH to do it.

Original poster
Curvylou11 · 12/04/2016 17:49

What have I done wrong fudge?

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/04/2016 17:50

I presume there is more to it - otherwise stressing about Christmas in April is a little odd!

And as for the swearing - this is MN, there's not a swear filter and it's a sweary forum - not for the more sensitive little snowflakes...

Other forums are of course available

curren · 12/04/2016 17:51

Of course I want other people's opinions, no need for swearing or rudeness

Adults swear. Especially on mumsnet. You don't get to censor it.

You keep banging on about how it's rude in your opinion, but aren't grasping you and your mil are not the same person.

Of course you don't have to cook. No one has said you have to. So I don't get crumpets point. However, you do need to tell her or dh needs to tell her.

Besides which she may not be alone. She may go to your dds.

Yanbu to not host Christmas Day

Yabu to expect everyone else to be like you.

SuperFlyHigh · 12/04/2016 17:52

Seems a bit over dramatic on your part to start thinking and fretting about it now.

NeedACleverNN · 12/04/2016 17:52

Look 18 years is a long time

I would assume it was the same. When your hinting I would assume you wanted a bit of help either financially or in the kitchen

All you need to say is sorry MIL you will need to make your own arrangements this year. We are going to be eating at Dd's house. Hope that's ok

paxillin · 12/04/2016 17:53

I never react to hinting, it is so easy to misinterpret. As you saw, your MIL interpreted your hinting as "I'd like financial help with this". She could equally have interpreted it as "come two days earlier to do all the ordering, decorating and shopping" and you'd end up with guests for longer.

NerrSnerr · 12/04/2016 17:53

I would make sure you tell her straight. Will your daughter invite her?

limitedperiodonly · 12/04/2016 17:54

My MIL has given me a crisp £50 note for birthdays and Christmas every year since 1992. When I say it's crisp, it's pristine. I think she goes to the bank to order it.

That's a tradition for you. I might point out to her that she should revise the amount upwards to account for inflation. But probably I'll let it go and think I'm still on to a good thing.

AdrenalineFudge · 12/04/2016 17:58

It's not so much that you've done something wrong. But the angst in your posts about her seem to make you come across as very exasperated. As I said, I cannot understand why you would let someone (whomever they are) dominate that amount of headspace or in fact induce such a state of negative energy within you. Learning to let go and let things wash over you is what you should be focusing on, not your Mil.

Fishface77 · 12/04/2016 18:09

Has something happened with you mil to bring these feelings to the fore now Op?
I don't think you are unreasonable to not want to cook but something that is established for 18 years does end up being a tradition.
Maybe if you've always put them first noes the time to do what you want. And if you've done it for 18 years I don't see how anyone can call you selfish.

PestilentialCat · 12/04/2016 18:24

This is why I set no precedents at all about who went where & with whom at Christmas - hardly two consecutive ones have been the same.

umizoomi · 12/04/2016 18:44

I always cook Christmas dinner too. Have done for the last 15 years. Same guests each year. I assume that they assume they are coming here. Fair enough I assume the that too. If we wanted to do something else I would say so in advance and that's ok.

Your MIL said 'if you are cooking, I'll buy a turkey' perfect chance to say you're not cooking.