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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would be miffed over this?

79 replies

FlyRussianUnicorn · 07/04/2016 23:41

Friend of over 25 years is getting married in a few weeks.

V last minute, small ish ceremony of 50 guests. Said she wasnt having bridesmaids etc. Except i saw on facebook a "bridemaids trips away for Xs pre wedding celebration!" i wasnt even invited.

We have grown up together, see each other every few months.

Would you be a bit pissed off?

OP posts:
Creampastry · 07/04/2016 23:49

She sounds like a cow .... Are you going to the wedding?

ImperialBlether · 07/04/2016 23:51

Are you invited to the wedding?

Original poster
FlyRussianUnicorn · 07/04/2016 23:51

Tempted not to but our familys know each other and the argument id have with my parents over the "embarassment" wouldnt be worth it. Will go for the ceremony/breakfast and make my excuses and leave

OP posts:
Original poster
FlyRussianUnicorn · 07/04/2016 23:52

I cant go into too much detail as it will "out" me but my parents have known the family for over 40 years.

OP posts:
Creampastry · 07/04/2016 23:53

How's she going to explain away the BMs??!!

TwoKettles · 07/04/2016 23:56

Wow. She's a charmer. I'd feel pretty upset too.

CockacidalManiac · 07/04/2016 23:56

I think it's pretty natural to be upset.

Salfordlass · 07/04/2016 23:59

Wow that's horrid, poor you. to me it sounds like 1) she's friends with you because of the family connection and the fact you go back years but maybe doesn't see u as a 'close friend' 2) these bm's are a bunch of mean girls and maybe she thinks you won't fit in (do u know these other women?) or 3) u are gorgeous and she doesn't want u as a bm in case you take any limelight.
These are just the first 3 explanations that pop into my head.

SweetieDrops · 07/04/2016 23:59

You only see her every few months? Do you know the people she has chosen as bridesmaids?

Original poster
FlyRussianUnicorn · 08/04/2016 00:05

She lives at the other end of the country now Sweetie so we dont see her unless we are down there or shes visiting her parents

I knowo one of them from playing out as kids but others are from work/university friends. Could be a age thing (im 25, shes 32) but her best friends sister is one and shes only 18.

I think your first suggestion is probably right Salford.

Dont want to fall out with her because its possible she just changed her mind and is obviously entitled to choose her BMs just feel unacknowledged.

OP posts:
Salfordlass · 08/04/2016 00:16

Well now at least you know where you stand! It always takes a wedding to bring a whole host of 'who means what to whom' type problems to the fore doesn't it? I'm sure your are probably not the only 'friend' left bemused by this. Your are absoulutely entitled to feeling hurt, but she is also entitled to choose whomever she wants as bm's (although to lie was foolish, how did she think she was gonna hide them - maybe she'll shove them under her meringue whenever the unchosen ones pass by!)
I would just take from this that she is not the friend you thought and don't waste any more time on her after the wedding. And buy her the cheapest thing on the wedding list (wooden spoon?)

MattDillonsPants · 08/04/2016 00:17

Are you more attractive than her?

Original poster
FlyRussianUnicorn · 08/04/2016 00:18

Shell be lucky if she gets anything of me, Salford Grin

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 08/04/2016 00:18

Yes I would be miffed very fucking miffed, and I'd be telling her to stick her wedding where the sun fails to shine. I'm sorry to say this but if she thought of you as a friend then she'd have invited you to her pre wedding celebration.

MeMySonAndl · 08/04/2016 00:20

Wait a minute... She leaves away and you only see her when she is visiting her family?

It may just be that he has a new (or not so new) socially active life where she is now and you are no longer part of her circle, even if you grew up together, people move on sometimes.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 08/04/2016 00:21

Oooh I would find out what the BMs are wearing and turn up in the same dress Grin
Then sit there, Po-Faced in the congregation, sighing.

FloatIsRechargedNow · 08/04/2016 00:24

You got me at the age thing - 25 and 32 - hardly a big age gap is it? Family friends are not the same as best mate wedding friends. Sorry but YABU with the proviso that we can all be "miffed" which is not U at all.

MeMySonAndl · 08/04/2016 00:24

... And you are much younger than her? Good grief woman, you hardly have any contact, your family are friends with her family, but possibly that is not close enough when you are doing a very small wedding, as she is. Sorry.

Salfordlass · 08/04/2016 00:28

Take loads of photos of her when she's had more than a few glasses of champs, and upload the worst ones to Facebook, also of course posting only the very best ones of yourself and even her bm's (all the while gushing about what a 'beautiful, emotional' day it was) haha - I know that's catty but it'd be funny too

ReginaBlitz · 08/04/2016 00:32

How have you been friends for over 25 years when you are only 25 that's impossible.

Witchend · 08/04/2016 00:32

In all honesty I wouldn't expect to be bm for someone I saw every few months and only saw if she was visiting family. To me that wouldn't be a particularly close relationship, and I would expect there to be many people in a closer category than that.
In fact, thinking of people I know that I'd say it sounds I have a similar relationship (see a few times a year and get on well when I see them, used to know them heaps better) I don't think I'd expect to necessarily get an invite, depends on how big a do they were having. Very pleased to be invited. Yes. Upset if not? No, I'd just assume they have friends they see far more frequently who were higher up than me.

Maybe she changed her mind after saying no bm. The fact she said that to you, knowing you would be at the wedding suggests either she meant it at the time, has remarkably poor foresight, thought you wouldn't come or thought it would matter so little to you that you wouldn't remember.

DementedUnicorn · 08/04/2016 00:35

Shock I'm proper shocked at how many people agree with you!

Entitled much?

MrsBobDylan · 08/04/2016 00:35

A 7 year age gap is pretty big when you are young. My dh is 8 years my junior and while it doesn't matter now, it would have been a huge age gap when he was 10 and I was 17.

Sounds like she regards you as a friend of her family first and foremost, rather than her friend. But lying about not having bridsemades was hurtful, so yanbu to feel badly about that.

MrsBobDylan · 08/04/2016 00:37

Sorry 18...can't count!

Itinerary · 08/04/2016 00:38

She can have who she likes as bridesmaids of course, but it's strange to say you're not having any if you actually are - people will clearly see on the day!

It's nice that you are loyal but I'm afraid she probably isn't thinking of you as a close friend these days. Maybe she assumes you feel the same way. Some people don't really maintain friendships once they've moved somewhere else.