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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would be miffed over this?

79 replies

FlyRussianUnicorn · 07/04/2016 23:41

Friend of over 25 years is getting married in a few weeks.

V last minute, small ish ceremony of 50 guests. Said she wasnt having bridesmaids etc. Except i saw on facebook a "bridemaids trips away for Xs pre wedding celebration!" i wasnt even invited.

We have grown up together, see each other every few months.

Would you be a bit pissed off?

OP posts:
AristotlesTrousers · 08/04/2016 08:00

Are you sure the addition of bridesmaids wasn't a recent thing? Just wondering if maybe she didn't have any when you talked about it, but has since changed her mind. Might be that there was some pressure from the family or something?

I don't know. I can understand you being miffed, but it probably (hopefully) isn't personal. Have you any way of finding out further details?

TopHat33 · 08/04/2016 08:06

YABU. It's up to the bride to choose bridesmaids and from what you say she may not be having any - just some of her close friends have decided to take her for a weekend away. You are a close friend - that's reflected in you being invited to her small wedding. Go and be happy celebrating with her and her husband.

I'm another one who doesn't understand how you've been friends for over 25 years when you're only 25 Hmm

SoupDragon · 08/04/2016 08:11

Don't do anything spiteful.

TBH, your description of your friendship doesn't sound very close. Why do you think you should be a bridesmaid?

Friend of over 25 years

LOL. And yet you are only 25. You weren't "friends" when you were a newborn, you were the baby of her parents friends.

bakeoffcake · 08/04/2016 08:24

Confused.

Why should you be a bridesmaid? She's allowed to choose who she wishes. You dont live near her anymore and she obviously has much closer friends.

You may ne hurt but you can't EXPECT to be a bridesmaid.

My DD is getting married next year. She's having 2 friends and her sister as bridesmaids. I've already had my sister and SIL asking why their daughters aren't being bridesmaids. We've also had MIL saying she won't go unless X person is invited.

I've advised DD to gently remind these people that they did what they wanted on their wedding day and she is now going to do the same! Grin

pippistrelle · 08/04/2016 08:33

I thought I'd missed a page at the beginning of this thread as I couldn't understand what there was to be upset about. I might be mildly miffed if I thought I'd been lied to, but then I'd wonder why. Is it because I take offence too easily and they couldn't be doing with me taking umbrage.

But you don't even know for sure that there are bridesmaids - I could easily imagine a group of friends referring to themselves as such in a tongue in cheek sort of way.

CalonGoch · 08/04/2016 08:35

So because you haven't been asked to be a bridesmaid at a small wedding, other posters think you should tell the bride to 'stick the wedding where the sun fails to shine', get photos of her looking pissed and post 'the worst' ones on Facebook, buy the same dress as the bridesmaids and turn up in it looking crazy I'm far from one of the PO but Hmm

pictish · 08/04/2016 08:36

No I wouldn't be miffed.

pictish · 08/04/2016 08:42

Pippistrelle that's what I thought actually - it could just be a lark about with her pals. Maybe her pals have suggested a weekend away before the wedding.

OP - she will have friends in her life that have more direct impact on it than you do. They will know her dh to be, and be involved in her stuff on a regular basis and perhaps for have been for years too.
That's not to minimise your friendship, but when a wedding is small you simply can't include everyone that matters in a role. Yabu.

I'm taken aback by some of the replies here. What a self important, vengeful lot!

Notonthestairs · 08/04/2016 08:43

When is it ever ok to try and take horrible pictures of a bride to put on FB? If you are really that amused by the idea then you dont deserve to have an invitation let alone be a bridesmaid.
Go to the wedding, be supportive and wish her well.

pictish · 08/04/2016 08:49

When is it ever ok to try and take horrible pictures of a bride to put on FB?
When you don't get picked as a bridesmaid apparently. Shock Confused Hmm

Fratelli · 08/04/2016 08:49

Gosh I thought we were all clearly joking about the pictures! Must have forgotten it's mumsnet where lighthearted doesn't exist Wink

EweAreHere · 08/04/2016 08:55

YABU. And immature. And petty.

She's getting married. Your families go way back. You're friends. You may have misunderstood your conversation with her or circumstances might have changed in the interim, or maybe her friends took her out and just called it a BM outing. Who knows and who cares. You're invited. Be happy for her.

If you can't be happy for her, decline the invite. Sheesh.

Delacroix · 08/04/2016 09:00

So basically you're upset you're not a bridesmaid?

That's a bit childish.

pictish · 08/04/2016 09:05

Fratelli the fact it was even suggested, whether as a lighthearted joke or not, says to the OP she has beef to grind.
She doesn't.

Notonthestairs · 08/04/2016 09:05

OK fratelli, its the last day of the holidays here and I am clearly missing my sense of humour this morning. But the first page of replies made me think I had woken up in a parallel universe.
Anyway Op, look at it this way - You have been invited to a small wedding which means that the bride and groom really want you there.

YouTheCat · 08/04/2016 09:06

It's a small, last minute wedding. She might not have been having any bridesmaids and then a friend might have persuaded her to have them.

You don't know because you're miles away and don't see her often.

I don't see why you'd expect to be a bridesmaid. And as it's a small ceremony, I'd just be chuffed to be invited in the first place. I can't see the drama here at all and yabu to be creating one.

pictish · 08/04/2016 09:33

I had a small, last minute wedding. Booked, planned and done in six weeks. I had two 'brisesmaids' - ie, my closest, most local friends at the time, who stayed with me the night before the wedding and got pished with me and came with me in the taxi to the ceremony. That was the extent of their 'duties'. No matching dresses, no hen party, no dress fittings, rehearsals, wedding car etc etc.
The term 'bridesmaids' was definitely tongue in cheek.

LuluJakey1 · 08/04/2016 09:35

OP?..........
Over 25 years? ...... You are just 25 and she is 32. Were you friends with her in a past life?

HPsauciness · 08/04/2016 09:45

I have never ever been a bridesmaid to any of my close friends, and I have lots of close friends!

I prefer being one of the gaggle of friends anyway, don't want to wear a bad frock, it's all good as far as I'm concerned.

Not going over this is absolutely ridiculous. In the nicest way you are a family friend, I'm sure she wants you there, but you are not a main part of the event. Go and enjoy it, don't take bitterness with you!

sofato5miles · 08/04/2016 09:49

Get a grip. And enjoy the wedding.

SaucyJack · 08/04/2016 09:55

You can feel however you feel, but is there an objective reason why you would feel entitled to be the bridesmaid of your DP's friends' daughter who lives miles away, and who you never see unless she happens to be in the area visiting family?

I'm not really seeing the outrage. I think you've done well to be invited as it's such a small wedding tbh.

Sorry.

Summerblaze100 · 08/04/2016 09:55

I had a BM for my wedding who was a family friend who I had known all my life. I was a witness for hers. This was 16/17 years ago.

We still live in the same city and our parents are still friends but our lives have moved on. I see her at family parties and send cards and presents for birthdays but if she got married now, I wouldn't expect to be her BM/witness this time nor would she be mine.

minesapintofwine · 08/04/2016 10:01

pippi I thought I'd missed a page too.

Yabu op. Seriously, what is there to be miffed about?

CaptainCrunch · 08/04/2016 10:13

The op has disappeared, foiled by basic arithmetic so her sorry tale won't run and run. Some of the initial "yeah op, what a cow she is" really make you wonder about the mentality of some of the posters on here.

Runnerd · 08/04/2016 10:16

Being a bridesmaid is seriously overrated - I'd be doing cartwheels if I was you. It's lovely to share the morning with close friends and to have the public recognition that you mean alot to the bride, but...

...wearing a dodgy dress, in a hairstyle chosen by someone else and identically to at least 2 other women who will inevitably be either thinner or have bigger boobs or just suit the style better. And you have to be in far more photos and potentially sit on the top table making small talk with the family instead of on the fun friends table...

Honestly OP, count your blessings, enjoy wearing a gorgeous dress that you've chosen and don't give it another thought.