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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re my friends hen do/wedding...

87 replies

MummyBex1985 · 20/03/2016 12:50

Just looking for some opinions.

My friend has planned a wedding, 300 miles away, and as it's an intimate affair with only close family and friends, it's sort of expected that everyone that's invited will go. I'm okay with that, despite the £250 hotel cost and £100+ petrol cost.

Then her DF arranges his stag do - abroad - and my OH is invited. Total cost £400.

Now she has arranged a hen do 100 miles away, so another overnight stay. Hotel is £150, but the bridesmaids are expecting us all to chip in for the bride to be's portion, and also to split the entire cost between us, despite the fact that some people are in their own rooms and not sharing!!!

So all in all, this whole affair is costing us around £1,000, which in all honesty I don't want to fork out.

AIBU or is this just the done thing now?!

OP posts:
rookiemere · 20/03/2016 12:54

Actually TBH it sounds a little bit cheaper than most - no foreign wedding and hen do in the UK.

I too would be aggrieved with the hend do for having to pay equal even if I was sharing and paying for the B2Bs room. However if you point this out you will look churlish and demanding and this will get back to the B2B, therefore unless you are very close friends and you want to go, then back out of the hen do.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 20/03/2016 12:56

If money is tight for you, I'd say no to the hen and stag dos.

If money isn't too much of a problem, I'd throw myself into enjoying all of it.

Eebahgum · 20/03/2016 12:56

Yanbu to tell her you can't afford it & would love to share her special day but will have to bow out of stag & hen do. If she's a close enough friend to be invited to the wedding she's close enough to say that to.

IthinkIamsinking · 20/03/2016 12:56

YANBU. This is what drives me batty about weddings...... yes of course people will say nobody is forcing you to go to the hen/stag/wedding but I think it is incredibly self absorbed when brides/grooms assume that all and sundry can afford these insane amounts. Plus the 'If they really want to be there they will' attitude I have come across with some brides which does nothing but heap guilt on those struggling financially.

Original poster
MummyBex1985 · 20/03/2016 12:59

Thank you :)

Money is tight at the moment as I'm on long term sick leave, although I'll be back at work soon. I just feel that I'll be judged for backing out of the hen do (and oh Re stag do)! And it'll hike the cost up for the other girls although I don't know any of them

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 20/03/2016 13:01

You don't have to be struggling financially to not want to go to an expensive wedding/hen/stag do. You can just be unwilling to invest £1k into someone else's 'big day'. I'd just go to the wedding, stay at an Air BNB, and try to share a lift with a family member/friend to reduce the costs [or take the train]. £35 for one night, possibly £50 petrol and a present for £30. Then don't go to any 'do', but just go out for a nice meal before she gets married.

The more people just tag along doing this nonsense the more it will continue.

rookiemere · 20/03/2016 13:02

Ah ok I'm getting the idea that it's somewhere where they've booked the whole place and you've already agreed to go.

In that case I'd email nicely and ask what the total cost is for you as money is a bit tight what with you being on sick leave.

curren · 20/03/2016 13:03

This happened when my dbro and sil got married.

We didn't do the stag or hen do. Dbro was annoyed so I asked him if he could have forked out £1000 when I got married. The answer was no.

Then he got over it

NoOneIsInterested · 20/03/2016 13:03

It's up to you, if you want you go then go but if you don't then don't. I wouldn't think much of a friend if they were pissed off with me for not choosing to spend
££££'s on hen and stag nights - that would be obnoxious. I would even be Hmm at someone being pissed off if someone didn't attend a wedding for financial reasons.

I think you would be daft to go if you don't want to or can't afford to.

pasturesgreen · 20/03/2016 13:09

I'd pass up the hen and stag dos if I were you. If can't afford it, you can't and it's perfectly reasonable to not want to 'invest' £££ on someone else's big day.

Don't feel guilty about a potential hike in costs for the other hens, nobody is forcing them to go!

Xmasbaby11 · 20/03/2016 13:09

Yanbu. There's no way I'd go to hen or stag. Unless you're a close friend and loaded, I can't see it upsetting the bride and groom.

. I made sure my hen was in a location that everyone could get to for the day. It was optional to stay for night out and overnight in an apartment then spa day the next day. Friends came to different bits of it and one pulled out because she couldn't afford it, which I was fine with. I think it worked well. A few had babies and could just manage a few hours away for afternoon tea. I was very keen for people not to be pressurised into spending money when they didn't want to.

rookiemere · 20/03/2016 13:12

Actually looking at the costs the things that jump out are the wedding hotel at £250 and the stag do at £400 ( which actually seems a bit optimistic if they are going abroad).

Can your OP drop out of the stag do ? Is he as good friends with the H2B as you ar with the B2B?
Re the wedding I'm guessing this one of these things where they've hired out the whole place and you're expected to stay there at great expense. Is that £250 for one night or two? If it's for one night, I'd seriously be looking at other options.

rookiemere · 20/03/2016 13:14

Pasturesgreen - Don't feel guilty about a potential hike in costs for the other hens, nobody is forcing them to go!.

I think we've got to be careful on this one. Place may already be booked based on those who said they were coming. If OP has agreed and committed to going then it is actually a bit unfair on the others to back out now and leave them with extra costs. I agree that room costs should be split fairly and why the heck can't the B2B pay her own share, but in principle if you agree to do something then it's not fair to lumber others with your costs if you subsequently decide to back out.

shebird · 20/03/2016 13:34

Why do people getting married expect so much of guests in terms of their time and money? I would be honest with your friend and say that you cannot afford to attend. A true friend will understand, unless she has been taken over by bridezilla monster which is often the case.

Is it possible to stay at a B&B or cheaper hotel somewhere near to the venue? We were recently invited to a wedding that was going to cost a fortune to stay one night. Much to the annoyance of the bride and groom we stayed in a really nice hotel close by for a fraction of the cost.

witsender · 20/03/2016 13:36

No way would we go to stag or hen dos...hate them at the best of times.

Pancakeflipper · 20/03/2016 13:39

Just go to the wedding if money is tight and offer to take the groom and bride out for a meal instead of stag and hen do stuff.

OnlyLovers · 20/03/2016 13:44

I'd say no to the stag and hen. I can't afford £1000 for someone else's wedding and, frankly, wouldn't want to spend that even if I could.

sleeponeday · 20/03/2016 13:47

Just say you can't afford the hen/stag but will be there with bells on at the wedding itself. Perfectly reasonable thing to say - npbody should have to get into debt for someone else's wedding, or miss out on their own holiday. And actually even if you can afford it I think people can say no if the costs seem more than they want to spend.

sleeponeday · 20/03/2016 13:47

X-post with Only.

Realfootyfan · 20/03/2016 13:47

Does your DH know the groom that well? If not I think it's reasonable for him not to go. As for the hen do, people should pay for the cost of their rooms, not subsidise other people in single occupation. Why should you pay for the bride's room? You're already buying a present and spending out for the wedding accommodation. Think it's a bloody cheek for them to expect you to spend out this much cash! YANBU!

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/03/2016 13:50

"You don't have to be struggling financially to not want to go to an expensive wedding/hen/stag do. You can just be unwilling to invest £1k into someone else's 'big day'. "
^^This

I'm a bit gobsmacked by the fashion for getting your guests to spend a fortune.

" I just feel that I'll be judged for backing out of the hen do (and oh Re stag do)! And it'll hike the cost up for the other girls although I don't know any of them"
I wouldn't give a toss. Probably because I'd have already judged them for trying to spend my money.

Noodledoodledoo · 20/03/2016 14:04

I am in the same situation with an upcoming wedding/hen do.

For the hen do its a pricey lunch followed by an alcohol class also very pricey, I will be 38 weeks pregnant so won't be able to take part in the alcohol class and am being made to feel like I am not participating fully! I am not spending £35 just prior to a year of mat leave pay to not be able to participate. I thought travelling into London for lunch at that stage was a fair compromise!

The wedding is in a place with no rooms and children not invited which I don't have an issue with but will have a very little baby 5 weeks past due date, and its a straight no to bringing them! It's my second and hoping to BF again, but will have no idea at what stage we might be at!

I wouldn't mind but bride has a 2 month old currently who she is also BF!

I would opt out of the Hen/Stag do and save the pennies, and I normally love them!

KoalaDownUnder · 20/03/2016 14:11

I can't be arsed with this kind of thing.

Her getting married =/= you suddenly having a spare grand to spend on festivities.

Skip the hen and the stag, and just go to the wedding.

Anyone who has a problem with that is being a twat. You can't have expectations around other adults spending large chunks of money on your plans.

DinosaursRoar · 20/03/2016 14:12

If nothing has already been booked on the understanding you/your DH are going on the stag/hen dos, then pull out - although if your rooms have already been booked then you do need to pay for them unless your bookings can be cancelled/someone else fill them.

Arrange for the bride to have a bottle of champagne in her room from you, and possibly send the groom with a bottle of whisky so they can have a drink on your DH on the stag, note from both that you are sorry to miss the do. Done.

Rafflesway · 20/03/2016 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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