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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re my friends hen do/wedding...

87 replies

MummyBex1985 · 20/03/2016 12:50

Just looking for some opinions.

My friend has planned a wedding, 300 miles away, and as it's an intimate affair with only close family and friends, it's sort of expected that everyone that's invited will go. I'm okay with that, despite the £250 hotel cost and £100+ petrol cost.

Then her DF arranges his stag do - abroad - and my OH is invited. Total cost £400.

Now she has arranged a hen do 100 miles away, so another overnight stay. Hotel is £150, but the bridesmaids are expecting us all to chip in for the bride to be's portion, and also to split the entire cost between us, despite the fact that some people are in their own rooms and not sharing!!!

So all in all, this whole affair is costing us around £1,000, which in all honesty I don't want to fork out.

AIBU or is this just the done thing now?!

OP posts:
magoria · 20/03/2016 14:12

I wouldn't splash out £1000 for that.

I certainly wouldn't pay if I had to share a room the same as someone who got a room to themselves. If they can't afford the £150 for a room each why should I sub them whilst sharing? A difference of £50 less for one of them to have a room alone and £25 extra for me to share! No chance. They can share too.

Probably explains why I am not invited to many hen dos lol.

BackInTheRealWorld · 20/03/2016 14:13

It's an invitation not an order.
What fuss.

IthinkIamsinking · 20/03/2016 14:18

Not always as simple as that Back. But good for you that you can dismiss what can be a dilemma so easily.Hmm
If it is a close friend or a family member the weight of expectation can be pretty significant.

DinosaursRoar · 20/03/2016 14:18

OP - the main issue is how long have plans being coming back and forth before you've mentioned not being able to afford it - if you've been made aware of costs, agreed to go and then have let the bridesmaid/best man book hotels/flights etc before stopping to add it all up and decide if you can afford it, that's very bad form - they may well be out of pocket, and you need to at least pay anything that's been booked on the understanding you agreed to go at those prices.

However, if nothing has been booked that can't be cancelled, then it's still fine to cancel, but do so quickly so that there's time to rejig costs and numbers.

lorelei9 · 20/03/2016 14:19

are you actually "backing out" of the hen do - I mean, did you agree to cost, location etc and now you are changing your mind? Does that impact on the cost paid by others?

in general, YANBU at all but there's no way I'd spend the money going to the wedding alone. Hell of a lot of money. And this "it's sort of expected that everyone invited will go" - do you actually want to go? I realise that if you don't attend the wedding of a "close" friend you have to write off the friendship, but I've also realised that real true friends are low in number. Also, it's amazing how many peopel suddenly consider you "close" because they want you at their wedding, but then they will forget you exist!

Original poster
MummyBex1985 · 20/03/2016 14:25

The hen do has actually only been planned very recently. I said provisionally that I would stay over (as driving back would be unrealistic!) but that was before I knew what the cost would be. That's all come out today.

I think the sensible thing would be to back out of both of the hen and stag do as already suggested! The hotel rooms have been booked but they can be cancelled as late as 24h before. It doesn't stop the cost being spread between the rest of them though as the same number of rooms would still be needed. The B2B hasn't actually had any say in it - it's all been planned via a secret FB group so she doesn't know what's going on.... Or the cost....

DH has provisionally said yes but not definitely yet and the flights and hotel haven't been booked so it would be easier for him to back out. We are couples friends if that makes sense, although I'm closer to the B2B as we've known each other longer. She's a close friend so I do feel almost compelled to go!

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 20/03/2016 14:32

Hen do should be organised so people have budget options eg a meal, then some can stay over if they can afford to. If the organiser hasn't done this then they can explain to the bride their mistake and why people couldn't make it. Don't feel bad. Just tell them you can't afford it. If the bride is a good friend, suggest a local meal/eve out so you can celebrate too.

lorelei9 · 20/03/2016 14:32

if you didn't have any inkling of the cost, back out now - asap.

I will never understand hen dos where the B2B has no say, but that's a separate thread.

BackforGood · 20/03/2016 14:37

No, YANBU, and no it's not "the done thing" for loads of people.
I would book some other accommodation for the wedding, and not go to the stag / hen dos. There's no 'compulsion' to go. However, let the organisers know now - particularly your dh who has already indicated he would - it's not fair to let people go ahead with the arrangements if you aren't going to attend.

rookiemere · 20/03/2016 14:40

Ok as it's cancellable and you didn't know the costs in advance then I think you're ok to say you can't go to the hen do.

I'd message them as quickly as possible though and do be apologetic about it, and blame it on finances due to sick leave. I know some here will say that you don't need to be, but IMHO it's always best to act in the first instance as if the organisers motives were good and that they did the best they could.

FWIW I had an extremely cheap hen do ( in retrospect probably too cheap as the building was quite dingy) which I organised myself. There was a set cost of £50 for two nights including kitty contribution for food and booze and if anyone had dropped out it would have been me who made up the difference if they hadn't.

DinosaursRoar · 20/03/2016 14:40

OK - if the cost has just come out today, then today is the time to back out. Send the bridesmaid organising it a message saying you are sorry but you are going to struggle to afford it, so think it's best you drop out now.

If nothing's been booked for the stag do yet, again, dropping out now is best as while it might not be booked, it could be numbers will impact on how good a deal they can get.

Original poster
MummyBex1985 · 20/03/2016 14:42

Yes I think a quick back out is probably the best idea!

Should have said re the wedding - it's a boutique country hotel in the middle of nowhere, so we are all pretty much forced to stay on site. And the £250 covers one night (that's one of the cheaper rooms!). Plus the happy couple thought it would be nice for the whole wedding party to have breakfast together the next morning...!

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 20/03/2016 14:44

I suspect the happy couple had to guarantee full occupation to get exclusive use, and sold it to guests as "nice". But maybe that's my cynical side speaking.

HackerFucker22 · 20/03/2016 14:44

My friend is getting married in May. Her wedding is in the town most of her friends and family live in and the hen do is going to be local too. No overnight stay for most people for the wedding and she hasn't even invited anyone who isn't local to the hen do.

Things really don't need to be that complicated. My friend seems to be in the minority when to comes to wedding planning though!

expatinscotland · 20/03/2016 14:52

Back out of the stag and hen do and feel no guilt.

HanYOLO · 20/03/2016 15:05

Stuff that

Decline Stag and Hen. "Sounds lovely but I'm sorry I just can't afford it". Covers it. Tell organisers and your friend. Take your friend out for lovely lunch/cocktails in your home town.

HanYOLO · 20/03/2016 15:06

But go and enjoy the wedding. It's pricey but roll with it. It will be nice, but the sounds of it.

eddielizzard · 20/03/2016 15:18

def back out from the hag & sten do asap.

enjoy the wedding tho - it does sound lovely!

DoreenLethal · 20/03/2016 15:27

Plus the happy couple thought it would be nice for the whole wedding party to have breakfast together the next morning...!

No they didn't! They just said that to get you to book the hotel room.

Even in the middle of nowhere, B&Bs exist. Mainly because it's the middle of nowhere.

lorelei9 · 20/03/2016 15:38

£250 for one night. Yikes.

lorelei9 · 20/03/2016 15:39

oh wait - that's not necessarily the "real" price but if they've booked it exclusively...have you done that thing of checking what it is normally, I mean on another Saturday?

sleeponeday · 20/03/2016 15:53

oh wait - that's not necessarily the "real" price but if they've booked it exclusively...have you done that thing of checking what it is normally, I mean on another Saturday?

I'm afraid my mind instantly went to, "Well that's one way of getting guests to pay for your wedding, while telling yourself it'll be a lovely little weekend break for them."

lorelei9 · 20/03/2016 15:58

sleep - to be fair I've not yet heard of anyone overpricing their hotel....but then it's only a matter of time I guess Grin

daisychain01 · 20/03/2016 16:05

as it's an intimate affair with only close family and friends, it's sort of expected that everyone that's invited will go. I'm okay with that, despite the £250 hotel cost and £100+ petrol cost

Don't forget, any invitation is just that, an invitation.
It is not a summons, with a decline resulting in summary execution.

Don't waste your family finances on someone else's ego inflating wedding event.

Just tell them the MN jury has excused you from attending Grin

shebird · 20/03/2016 16:08

Often at these at 'exclusive' wedding venues the amount the guests pay to stay overnight at the venue goes towards the overall wedding cost. So if they have paid for the exclusive hire of this venue then you are essentially as guests crowdfunding their wedding.!

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