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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re my friends hen do/wedding...

87 replies

MummyBex1985 · 20/03/2016 12:50

Just looking for some opinions.

My friend has planned a wedding, 300 miles away, and as it's an intimate affair with only close family and friends, it's sort of expected that everyone that's invited will go. I'm okay with that, despite the £250 hotel cost and £100+ petrol cost.

Then her DF arranges his stag do - abroad - and my OH is invited. Total cost £400.

Now she has arranged a hen do 100 miles away, so another overnight stay. Hotel is £150, but the bridesmaids are expecting us all to chip in for the bride to be's portion, and also to split the entire cost between us, despite the fact that some people are in their own rooms and not sharing!!!

So all in all, this whole affair is costing us around £1,000, which in all honesty I don't want to fork out.

AIBU or is this just the done thing now?!

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 20/03/2016 16:11

I agree that you should back out of the hen and stag dos now. I can never understand why people find it so hard to say "look, I just can't afford it".

kennyp · 20/03/2016 16:12

but surely the more money that the hen do costs, the betterer a bride and more fabulous a wedding it's going to be???? (joke)

agree with everyone else - regardless of if you're on sick pay or have just had a bonus of 50 grand ... it doesn't sound like you want to go, so saying that you can't afford it (becuase of sick leave) is a fabulous alibi (so to speak).

i think a hen do like in terms of endearment when you get stoned with one friend and prance about etc et c.... looks like a much better idea (to me)

littleleftie · 20/03/2016 16:20

Agree with PP - just say you have been off on sick leave and therefore cannot afford for either Stag or Hen. You would love to meet up with her for a drink locally (along with anyone else who cannot attend) and are really looking forward to the wedding.

EverySongbirdSays · 20/03/2016 16:21

I find the modern trend for "I'm getting married ergo you must spend X" exhausting and slightly offensive part of the 'It's MY Day culture we have going these days. I was delighted to be asked to be a bridesmaid. Had no idea just how much it would cost, and there were 2 separate hen nights. It got to the point were me and the other bridesmaid were throwing each other "a look" when another unforeseen expense emerged.

shebird · 20/03/2016 16:36

I agree Every

The costs involved for wedding guests seem to be far down on the list of priorities for many brides and grooms.

Being asked to be a bridesmaid should be treated with caution and often comes with expensive expectations of spa days, afternoon teas, shopping days, hen dos, hen weekends, hair trials, make up trials, rehearsal dinner, wedding night dinner. I actually spent more being a bridesmaid than I did being a brideGrin

Hissy · 20/03/2016 16:39

Totally agree.

A handy riposte might be "its 'your day' love, but it's MY money..."

See if you can find out the usual rate for a room at the boutique hotel tho, there have been many threads on here where room rate has been hiked to help pay for the wedding

If this is the case, find a B and B nearby.

lorelei9 · 20/03/2016 16:44

Every - couldn't agree more

it came as a complete shock to me that things happened, like people being ill, and I saw couples unhappy about how money had been "wasted". Terrible attitude. Really don't understand how weddings became like this.

EverySongbirdSays · 20/03/2016 16:58

Don't get me wrong I loved being a bridesmaid but the sheer constant expectations financially were beyond anything I'd given consideration inc. fancy dress for the first weekend, fancy dress for the second weekend, a trip to the Body Shop to buy an exact SPECIFIC eyeshadow.

Not near as bad as when I bridesmaided for my sister, we don't like each other, but she knew she would "look bad" if she didn't. She made me buy my own dress!

It's made me not want a wedding. Married yes, wedding no.

lorelei9 · 20/03/2016 17:03

Every, I hate weddings so always relieved when someone doesn't have one Grin
but you can have a wedding without inflicting all this on everyone.

lorelei9 · 20/03/2016 17:05

OP, just wondered, you say "intimate" - how many are invited? Just wondering.

sleeponeday · 20/03/2016 17:13

Pretty sure exclusive use includes loss of ability to sell rooms/meals for usual guests. By making guests pay for that opportunity cost to the hotel, you're making them pay for your wedding IMO. Most people would not choose to stay at a super lux venue for a wedding, when the food is laid on, so is the setting, and you barely spend any time in your room - they want a functional and clean B&B or chain place, I think. I do think presenting it as a lovely enhancement for guests when what they really mean is "subsidise our extravagant wedding" is cheeky.

sleeponeday · 20/03/2016 17:13

*exclusive use cost

AntiHop · 20/03/2016 17:14

You have every right to back out of hen and stag. You're not under any obligation.

A close friend organised my hen and I asked her to keep it as cheap as possible. I'd hate the idea of people feeling pressured to spend money they can't afford.

starry0ne · 20/03/2016 17:28

I think weddings are getting ridiculously expensive for the guests...

Yes I would look up a B&B nearby..She might like it but I wouldn't spend £250 on a room to sleep in...

Also reminds me of the thread the other week where the bride was charging for rooms to reduce cost of her wedding.

Original poster
MummyBex1985 · 20/03/2016 19:06

Lorelei there are only 30 people in total. So it is very small! Mainly friends, as some parents sadly died and others are also sadly estranged, so there will only be a few family members there.

Your view points are all very interesting!! FWIW I genuinely don't think we are subsidising their wedding as such, but as the father of the bride passed away he won't be contributing obviously so they've had to stump up the finances themselves. The room rate does seem to be right from what I've seen so I don't doubt their motives. It's just the expense of everything.

I don't publicly declare our finances but last year we managed to take three holidays abroad so people will naturally assume we are comfortable to spend £1k! All the wedding guests are young professionals, and barring one couple, can probably afford to spend whatever. We can't afford a holiday ourselves this year but I have a feeling "we're too skint" won't quite be believed Hmm needs must though!!

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 20/03/2016 19:10

OP, as per another poster, I don't think in terms of whether people can afford it, but also whether they want to. It's one thing to buy the bride a couple of drinks on her her night. It's another thing entirely to spend the way you're being asked to.

I know what you mean that people think that because they saw you having a holiday, but for all they know you could have put it on credit cards and be paying it off. Your finances and what you choose to spend your money on is no one else's business.

I'd second finding a cheap B&B, you can always pop to their hotel and pay for breakfast, I bet they'll allow it.

When are you going to tell them?

Hissy · 20/03/2016 19:41

Your money is yours to spend on what you want to spend it on.

Why would you want to spend £1000 on something that won't be of any benefit to you?

Bugger what they think. It's genuinely not your problem that they haven't scaled their wedding according to their ability to finances.

MidniteScribbler · 20/03/2016 21:34

"Oh what a shame, I'm not available that weekend. Would love to catch up with you for a coffee/wine/whatever before your wedding."

WonderingAspie · 20/03/2016 21:40

Nope, YANBU. Totally ridiculous of the brides friends to be spending this much on a hen do. Both of you back out citing finances if you must. You don't actually have to justify yourselves. It's actually got bugger all to do with anyone as to why you can't make it. And it's really not your problem that you not going will mean it costs more for the other guests.

lorelei9 · 20/03/2016 22:15

Midnite, you might want to RTFT...

anotherusernameugh · 21/03/2016 00:02

Yes this whole issue f-s me off.

DH's friend is getting married abroad in July and we are having to spend £400+ on it. Because he ALWAYS wants the same as DH, he then asked his friends do travel to a long haul destination for his stag (8 hrs away from the UK) that is known to be expensive. DH and another friend did theirs there, but we got married in the UK. The only expense our friends incurred was the petrol for the 10 min ride to the venue. We even said no gifts! Anyway, this guy's friends politely told him that given how much they are spending on the wedding itself, a stag closer to the uk would be more appropriate, so now he is doing Europe. But frankly, we are all just thinking he could have done a simple UK stag. But he just wanted it all - the glamour of going abroad, but he doesn't want to pay for it. So we are. FFS.

Clearoutre · 21/03/2016 06:18

"So all in all, this whole affair is costing us around £1,000, which in all honesty I don't want to fork out"

Nobody ever wants to fork out for these events so you are definitely NBU to feel this way!

FWIW I had a 3 or 4 year period of 5 weddings and several hen dos per year and consequently no holidays during that time due to lack of funds and free weekends. The couples were not ego-maniacs or bride-zillas intent on cheating me out of my hard-earned money they were (and are) friends - I'm older now, the wedding blitz is over and I look back on it fondly.

Brummiegirl15 · 21/03/2016 08:09

Blimey I'm getting married this year and trying desperately not to be a bridezilla

I'm paying for the bridesmaid dresses, shoes, hair and make up. All they have to pay for is their hotel room. My view is that you want a set number of bridesmaids, you have what you can afford!

I certainly won't be having wanky spa days

I've also told guests about the rates for our hotel which start at £129 B&B but that that is also a premier inn 2 miles down the road

My hen do is 1 night job in this country, with cocktail making, pottery painting and a nice dinner

I wouldn't dream of planning a 3 day extravaganza costing the same as a small holiday.

I'm also one of those "big wedding brides" and I admit it's a big do, but that's my choice and I certainly won't be passing any cost on to anyone!

Gazelda · 21/03/2016 08:17

I think it's perfectly reasonable to back out now. Far better than to leave it to closer to the Hen. Just a quick message to say 'I'm afraid that now I realise the cost involved, I'm going to have to back out of the Hen Do. As you know, I'm on long-term sick leave at the moment and finances are tight, I'm sure you understand'. No-one can argue or feel agrieved at that.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 21/03/2016 08:21

As a 42-yr old man I can honestly say I have only once ever been invited to a stag do that was not based "at home". That was Dublin, so it was possible to do it cheaply (but as at that time I had not got over a severe flying phobia, I didn't go anyway). All other stag dos have been in the groom's home town. Last one I went to do was golfing in the morning (if you could golf), drinks in the afternoon and then a curry at 8 pm (yes, 8pm). All of us present were in our 30s.

A female friend's recent hen was a tour of a local vineyard in the afternoon, drinks and a meal (again, all in their early 30s and most of them professionals with a fair chunk of money). Yes some people travelled (old friends) but they could even do it by bus if they wanted and choose their own B&B/hotel according to budget for one night.

I do not understand this need for expensive or foreign stag dos.

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