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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How much time does your OH spend with his DM?

105 replies

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 16/03/2016 21:28

We don't live together, so it's probably none of my business, but my OH sees his DM at least 3 times a week for coffee etc (fair enough), feels like he wants us to pop in for a coffee most weekends (bit much some weekends, I think), she calls him most days, texts him several times a day. Often the calls/texts are late in the evening or in a weekend afternoon when we're spending time together with or without all the DCs.

I can't seem to help but find it a little bit annoying. I wouldn't if he only saw her a couple of times a month, but he rarely goes 2 days without seeing her.

The other day we were face timing and she arrived at his house, and he promptly turned the phone round to join her into the conversation. He'd just asked me how I was feeling (bit worse for wear at the moment) and I felt like I had to end the conversation as didn't fancy a three way! He didn't even leave the room to carry on talking privately to me, so I just wrapped up the call.

AIBU to think this is a bit much, or is this normal? Happy to be told!

OP posts:
CountryRoadTakeMeHome · 16/03/2016 21:28

Nada x

SohowdoIdothis · 16/03/2016 21:30

We see MiL about every second day maybe more.

Naicehamshop · 16/03/2016 21:30

Definitely a bit much! How long have you been with him for?

Lamu · 16/03/2016 21:33

I sympathise. DH speaks to his parents several times a day. If he could, he'd probably see them several times a week too.

Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 16/03/2016 21:33

Been together 2 years. I get the seeing each other a lot, just wish there were some boundaries, like when I'm on the phone to him, or when we are together having some family time or quiet no kids time.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 16/03/2016 21:34

One of the things that really attracted me to DH was how much he loved his DM. They spoke daily, he spent every weekend there, generally one evening a week and they shopped together etc.

But when I came on the scene that all gradually reduced (not at my insistence). We both spent much of every weekend with her, he continued daily phone calls etc.

Once we moved in together, and started our family, we fell into a pattern of less frequent visits and less time for phone calls.

My DD now calls her Nanny a couple of times a week, and we visit at least every other weekend. And we're obviously on call if she needs us in between.

In your case, I'd point out to him that your call was curtailed when she arrived, but I don't honestly know what else he could have done other than say to you that his mum had arrived and could he call you later?

Maybe the weekend coffees are his way of introducing you to each other, because you are both important parts of his life?

I can understand you feeling it overbearing, but unless she is impacting your relationship then I don't think you should make a big deal of it.

Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 16/03/2016 21:34

And then on a weekend together with no DCs (bliss and very rare) he'll say he wants to pop in there for a coffee. And I just want to say 'nooooooo!'

OP posts:
PomBearWithAnOFRS · 16/03/2016 21:35

DH goes to see his mother every Saturday afternoon and takes her a paper on Sunday morning. Apart from that he pops in for an hourish two or three days a week. If his sisters are away he will take her shopping sometimes too. I never go with him. The DCs go round on Saturday afternoon if they want to.

CountryRoadTakeMeHome · 16/03/2016 21:36

Seriously though, MIL is proper Toxic! If I felt brave enough I would reveal my old username but for outing reasons can not!

Thankfully after my DH had a seemingly midlife crisis he has seen the errors of his ways and the venom of his Mother.

I do wish my MIL was not weird and would like me but alas that will never be...

OP as long as he is paying enough attention to your relationship there is room for his DM. I personally think it's nice that they are that close, something my MIL will never be Sad.

BertPuttocks · 16/03/2016 21:40

MIL is lovely and dh gets on well with her.

He phones her every couple of weeks or so. We visit her about once a month and stay for a couple of hours each time.

Original poster
OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 16/03/2016 21:45

Countryroad sorry to hear that Thanks

I don't think his DM is toxic, but potentially just a bit needy. His dad is toxic, so maybe that's why DP feels he has to spend more time with his DM. I get that, but I don't want to find that when we move in together and get married that she is third wheel all the time. I just don't have the energy for it!

I will mention the phone call. It was totally derailed. He could have just gone into another room to finish our conversation but he stayed in the same room as her, so I felt I couldn't talk anymore then. (Personal health issue). And that was it, conversation over. I was a bit hurt tbh, as the rest of the convo was all about him, and we didn't manage to talk about me Grin possibly a bit selfish of me, but shoe on the other foot, I'd have gone in another room to finish talking.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 16/03/2016 21:47

About 8 days per year. She lives 100 miles away.

lamiashiro · 16/03/2016 21:51

I'm with you, OP.

DH is an only child and his dad left when he was a baby with no further contact. MiL phones pretty much every day and usually during or just before dinner which I find infuriating. Often it's more than one call because she doesn't do texting and has suddenly remembered something she wants to tell him. She is still working and has a wide circle of friends and other family and a very busy social life.

My family are very hands-off and laid back, so I find the constant contact with MiL quite oppressive, especially as she's very demanding and wants to know everything, however trivial. DH isn't allowed to sound anything other than cheerful otherwise she gets in a strop. Sometimes she will call because she's had a bad day and needs to take it out on someone which is DH which then ends up with them having a row and him being upset. She will find a reason to get him over to her house pretty much every weekend and I refuse to go because if I do it will end up with us spending the whole day there.

Believe it or not, I do have a certain amount of sympathy, but increasingly I feel that she treats DH as a crutch and behaves in a way towards him that she wouldn't do towards her friends because she knows they wouldn't accept it. She's more wary with me and I've certainly knocked back any attempts to bully me but this has basically led to her moaning about me to DH rather than talking to me face to face so he feels even more in the middle.

Sorry, didn't intend this to be that long or distract from the OP. It just fell out.

ollieplimsoles · 16/03/2016 21:51

I also have a very toxic mil, dh knows she is impossible. Fil on the other hand is amazing and I know dh would like to see more of him.

We see her maybe once a fortnight when she can be bothered to see her grand daughter

MadisonAvenue · 16/03/2016 22:08

Mine moved 150 miles away so my husband sees less of her now. He used to call in and see her one night during the week and spend an afternoon with her at the weekend when she lived locally. Now it means an overnight (or two) stay and he does that every two or three months. She also stays here on occasions but that's just for her convenience, not because she's making a special journey to see us but if she's seeing old friends in the area or driving through to visit family elsewhere then we're a convenient place to stay.
On balance, he probably sees just as much of her now, if not more, than when she lived locally.
She also calls a few times a week, always at 10pm on the dot, and chats for quite a while with my husband. She's very demanding and would have him visit more often if she could, she's always asking when she'll see him again. She moved to live near to his sibling and family so has people locally but always complains that they never visit her. I'm dubious about that though as I think she's just trying to manipulate him into making more frequent visits.

ouryve · 16/03/2016 22:15

Couple of times a week, lately. His dad died, last month and he's helping her with lots of practical stuff, taking her on the odd shopping trip and so on.

She comes round to ours for tea, once a week.

Kbear · 16/03/2016 22:26

My DH pops in to see his mum nearly every day - although her dementia is so bad now she doesn't know who he is :(

Mum's are special and to be cherished. You sound jealous of their relationship. Don't be. Embrace the fact he's a great son and wants you to get to know his mum.

ThornyBird · 16/03/2016 22:28

Dh stays with his Mum one night a week at least when he's working as she is much closer to his current work place than home. Keeps everyone happy Smile

Namehanger · 16/03/2016 22:28

Zero - but then she left the family home when he was ten so the family bond was severed.

BieneBiene · 16/03/2016 22:53

We go down and visit a couple of times a year. It's 150 miles away and neither of us drive. He should really visit more often but he works really weird hours so it keeps getting pushed back.

Alisvolatpropiis · 16/03/2016 23:06

None,she's dead.

Were that not the case, I imagine there would be monthly/ bi monthly visits (we live a fair distance from where she did).

Specialsnowflake1 · 16/03/2016 23:16

Every Sunday with his DC, 1/2 the time myself and DD tag along too. She is brilliant!

timeisnotaline · 16/03/2016 23:29

I'd actually have said noooo can't we enjoy this very rare just us time re the weekend visit. It's obviously important that he loves and cherishes his mum but not to the exclusion of his relationship with you.

Linnet · 16/03/2016 23:31

Well there are 7 days in a week. My dh works 4 evenings a week and on the other 3 evenings he goes to visit his mum for a couple of hours. She needs him to pick up a few things from the supermarket that she can't carry because they're too heavy, she needs cat food, milk etc
It gets on my nerves, she's only in her 60's retired and in good health, she has all day to go to the supermarket to buy these things and could quite easily manage to do these things herself if she really had to. In fact she does if we are on holiday as there is nobody to run round after her then. But because she knows dh is around and he will go get what she needs she milks it.

DramaAlpaca · 16/03/2016 23:34

When MIL was alive, DH would pop in most weekends for a couple of hours.