How much time does your OH spend with his DM?

[OnceMoreIntoTheBleach]

We don't live together, so it's probably none of my business, but my OH sees his DM at least 3 times a week for coffee etc (fair enough), feels like he wants us to pop in for a coffee most weekends (bit much some weekends, I think), she calls him most days, texts him several times a day. Often the calls/texts are late in the evening or in a weekend afternoon when we're spending time together with or without all the DCs.

I can't seem to help but find it a little bit annoying. I wouldn't if he only saw her a couple of times a month, but he rarely goes 2 days without seeing her.

The other day we were face timing and she arrived at his house, and he promptly turned the phone round to join her into the conversation. He'd just asked me how I was feeling (bit worse for wear at the moment) and I felt like I had to end the conversation as didn't fancy a three way! He didn't even leave the room to carry on talking privately to me, so I just wrapped up the call.

AIBU to think this is a bit much, or is this normal? Happy to be told!

One of the first things that attracted me to Dh was how loving he is towards his mum.
I think you should be grateful and view it for what it is.

Do you have a DS? How much contact do you expect him to have with you once he's grown up? How much would you hope to have?

I get toxic MiL, but I find this thread quite mean.

Why should it be a crime for a child to love their parent and communicate with them?

I only have one DD, but I hope she'll have space for me when she's grown up, as I will make space for her. That's not intruding on any relationship she has - I very much hope we get on well with her chosen partner.

This is a sad thread!

Its this kind of possessiveness in women, whether Mil or Dil, that makes the man's life really difficult.

DH rings his mum every day on his way to work. They talk all the way to work (20 min). they also text/email each other all the time (week days, weekends and when we go on holiday). They are really close which I think is really lovely.

There closeness has never affected our relationship however DH has always set boundaries with regards MIL and our relationship. She has never interfered and she is lovely but she is an opinionated woman who can unintentionally step over the line sometimes. He will pull her up when she does and tell her straight.

I guess it also doesn't bother me because I am also close to MIL and we text/talk frequently and I see her for a few hours (alone) every week.

About once every month or so.

They live quite a way away but take it in turns travelling.

I hear what you are saying about his father being toxic. However, her actions aren't irreproachable. She is discussing you to your partner instead of to your face. That I believe from what I have learnt would be passive aggressive and tends to create negative energy and drama. I don't know, but I would wonder if the situation has been set up where he feels obliged to rescue his mother from his father. She has chosen to stay with him, so there will be some kind of pay off somewhere. Phew! Sounds there might be some parallels with my family. My brother speaks to my mother daily. She pulls his strings, they have a symbiotic relationship. He lives a long way away as do we so not much face to face. My SIL has finally realised my mother is a narcissist and is trying to extricate herself and her husband. SIL has treated me abysmally in the past so I don't know how successful she has been. Brother is golden child. I'm the scapegoat so I don't speak to my mother much. There's some good stuff online about Karpman Drama Triangle. I'm not saying this is happening or that his mother is a narcissist. I'm just saying if this is the case, best to be aware.

I brought my son up as a single parent from birth - so you can imagine the wrench when he left home and subsequently started his own family
BUT - although I only live about half an hour away (by car) I see him about once a month as one or other of us travels, he rings me once a week to check I am still in the land of the living and we email infrequently if some news needs to be imparted.
that seems normal but living alone I have learned to do things myself even though I am nearly 70 - he has his life and I don't interfere

I feel sad reading this that some day my DS may be married to someone who resents him being close to me or wanting to spend time with me

Got to be honest if I had a boyfriend that complained I saw my mum too much I would tell them to jog on.

I have a close relationship with my parents and dh would never get in the way. In fact over the years he has become close to mum and dad and even invited them on holiday.

Dh doesn't see his parents much as the knives 3 hours drive and don't like overnight guests so it's only the school holidays for about 3 hours. But when they lived closer I had ki issue with more visits.

I find mn weird on threads like this. A man wanting his wife to cut down contact with we family, is not ok.

But a man who sees his mum too much needs a talking too.

I know someone whose wife always resented his mother and it lasted until the mother died. Horrible situation to put your husband in. Imagine the torn feelings they must have.

I'm sure some mothers are horrible. But there are certainly large numbers that get labelled as 'needy', 'interfering' and other delightful words simple because they want to be involved in their son's life.

Kbear that's so heartbreaking she doesn't know him. My dh would be similar, he sees, or speaks to, his mum generally daily. She's lovely, yes sometimes she irks me but so do people I seen very regularly. I hope our sons behave similar to him when they are grown and don't have to choose.

Men aren't posessions that can only have one female owner at a time.

Really sad thread

How often do adult daughters see their Mum? When mine was alive I was a bit like OP describes, she wasn't toxic or needy. It's called having a relationship. But for lots people this is expected to be different for men - reduce contact with their Mum.

And I despise the term "mummy's boy" applied to someone who just has a normal and close relationship with their parent.

It sounds strange but I tend to go for men that don't get along much with their parents or live far away from them . Just because I'm not really a family person and if I can't stand being around my own for long or short stretches of time, what hope would I have with someone else's! Couldn't abide interfering in-laws, I'd feel utterly suffocated.

ExH was NC with his father and his mother lived in his native South Africa so only met her once in seven years. I felt blessed . Have met my current OH's parents but quite casually, nothing formal or pressured and they seem nice enough. OH's dad goes to see his grandma every night! He isn't into big elaborate introductions or even really into family that much either so we're compatible. If a man is a massive family man that adores them and spends lots of them with them I'm pretty turned off by that TBH. Cold hearted sour bitch I am.

OP, what your describing, in my circle and work Collegues, throughout my life, at 48, is normal, in non toxic relationships.

I met up with my DD yesterday, because I haven't seen her or my GC for a week, I didn't realise it made me needy, we txt and call daily, even my eldest, my youngest still lives with me.

If I had a DP who tried to tell me to have less contact with my DDs, he'd be gone, I don't see why it has to be different in the Mother/Son relationship.

Likewise my DDs DPs don't dictate the contact that we have, they discuss when they feel they aren't getting enough couple time, which is different.

Every day, for one to two hrs total (about half of that is with the kids) over several visits each day (take her post in, help with her dog etc), more if she invites us round for a meal (fortnightly ish) or needs to be driven somewhere (weekly ish) or needs help with something (few times a week).
I think its nice, she is a nice person, loves him and our kids, wants to help as much as she can and respects our family rules ( cakes are not a dinner starter, coats and shoes put away type things).
What's not to like about your OH being a nice person and liking and respecting the people that made him like that?

Morning all. I'm sorry this has been a sad read for some. It wasn't intended that way! Just a sanity check for me!

To be clear, I do like his DM. As I said, I don't think it's toxic. I just know that my DM doesn't call me just for a chat when she knows I'm out and spending time with other people, and this is the part that I suppose bothers me when his DM does this. They spent time together the day before but then he's at my house for the weekend and she needs to call again about nothing in particular.

Maybe I am a little jealous of their relationship, not sure. Then again, maybe she is a little jealous of my relationship with her DS? Maybe a bit of both? And that would be understandable either way I think.

I'm not asking him to reduce contact. I'm not demanding anything different of him, so those who are 'wtf' 'get over yourself' have totally missed my point!

I simply asked what other people's experiences were as a gauge. I'm trying to settle into it and explore my feelings with the help of others and their opinions.

Janecc and lamia you are spot on. He is her crutch. And he feels obliged to rescue her. I feel sorry for him, but he seems fine with it, so I try to keep my mouth shut about it.

I suppose I feel that DP and I get sub a small amount of time together that I want to keep some of it just for us.

Yes I have a DS. And so does my DM. And I'd like to think I will be respectful of his life as he grows up, and not expect 24/7 open access to him.

I'm very close with my DM and she lives nearby and had my DCs for me a lot, so I see her most days too. BUT when I go away for the weekend or even longer, she leaves me to it! She knows I have a life that is not about her. I think it's not the visits that bother me so much as the need for contact everyday, regardless of what else DP might be doing with his time. But if that's their family way, I can respect that.

It's been interesting reading. Thanks for all the thoughts and opinions, it has been helpful

I speak to my mum every evening and text several times during the day as do my siblings. If my partner had an issue with my close relationship with any of my family or friends I would see it as a massive red flag and run a mile.

As far as I'm concerned it's the same with mother/son relationships and some of you need to have a look at your yourselves.

When I say I feel sorry for DP, it's because I can see the extra pressure that he puts on himself to be there for her, even when he's super busy with the rest of his life.

But he is happy to do this, so I just try to be supportive. But just sometimes I want to say 'take a break'. It's never well received though, so now I stay quiet.

I see my married son once or twice a week. Sometimes more if I am down town and pop in his shop. We message each other as well. I see other son twice a week. You sound jealous OP. Do you not see your Mum? We saw husband's parents once every 3 weeks as they lived away. We took my mum on holiday and she came to stay frequently. I cannot understand why anyone would expect their partner to give up their family for them.

Why do you find it annoying? Its his mother. He sounds like a nice decent chap to me. What is the problem here.

If he is happy to see her and talk to her then he is not putting any extra pressure on himself.